i AM a mother.

Another Mother's Day has approached, which means another painful time of year for us Birthmoms. But this year feels different to me than previous years before. An account on Instagram has recently started trending #placed- that got me thinking about the terms we use to describe adoption, and why the negative connotation needs to be changed. I am tired of hearing the words "gave up". 

Birth mothers don't "give up" their children- We give them LIFE, we give them LOVE, we give them HOPE, and most importantly; we give them a FAMILY. Birthmothers put the needs of our children above the desires of our hearts, and just as our own mothers do every day of their lives, Birthmom's do what is best for our children, purely because of the pure love we have for them. Birthmother's sacrifice their own happiness, for the well-being of their children. We give a little piece of our heart that can never be replaced. We give another mother the gift she was always missing. We give & give & give & give- but we never GIVE UP. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I became a mother the moment I started carrying a child. I became a mother when I gave birth to a little boy and felt the same love all mothers feel for their children. I switched roles and became a BIRTHMOTHER during that sacred moment when I placed my son into his Mother's arms. No matter how untraditional the route was that brought me there, I AM still a mother. For a fleeting moment I played the active role of one, and now I get to watch my son from the sidelines.

 I am so deeply thankful for my experience, no matter how hard it has been. I am thankful for the beautiful woman who protects a part of my heart she gets to call her own- and that she gives that little boy SO much love. I am thankful that I call myself a birth MOTHER- and that no one can take that away from me.

So yes, there are still streams of tears falling down my cheeks- but they are there to remind me of what I GAVE. And that's what I will be focussing on this Mother's Day. It's still a painful day, but it is a happy day too. Wishing a very Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing women in my life who are mothers, each in our own unique ways. I love you all. 

thanksgiving & an update !

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I sit here reflecting on what I am thankful for. But what do I have that I cannot be thankful for? Truly life has blessed me throughout my 21 years, and I can honestly say have nothing to be ungrateful for. Of course I have my hard days, as everyone does, but in the end I am lucky to have these challenges to help me continually learn as I go. Life is hard. But it is so beautiful at the same time :)

I spent a wonderful weekend back at home with my family, and it was 4 days of non-stop laughter, love, and fun. My best friend had a little girl a month ago, and my sister had a boy 3 days later. Cuddling with these little cuties was therapy for my heart, and I can't even imagine how much love I will have to share with children of my own one day. I look forward to that time down the road, when I am ready.

Well, a few weeks ago I received an amazing update from Cash’s parents, showing me through photos, videos, and words what a darling little man he is growing into.  So this thanksgiving, I am most thankful for the blessing that is my birthson & his family. I can't believe how much he has grown, I am so unbelievably proud of him and how smart he is becoming. He is talking in full sentences, riding a bike, and just being the most adorable little kid my eyes have ever seen. 

My heart is so very full of love and gratitude. Each time I receive these updates, it confirms once more that I made the best decision for him. I can’t imagine what his life would be like had it been any other way. I can feel of the love they have as a family, and they really do provide for him better than I could ever hoped for. My heart is filled with joy when I realize that I was the one who gave him the ability to have this life.

 I am so proud of my decision and I don't care who knows it! 

Cash knows he has 2 moms and 2 dads, who each love him unconditionally. 

What could be better than that? He is happy, and thats what makes me happy.

I am truly blessed.

everything you're thankful for

I came home from an incredibly long day at work today and was feeling a little grumpy. I could tell the grumpiness was going to be leading into a pity party for myself that evening as I walked through our back entrance. I got to the kitchen, only to find a disaster (as per usual... ha) and I grumbled a bit to myself, now understanding how my own mother felt when she arrived home and nothing had been done. I glanced at our white-board, where the sometimes bitter notes to each other usually sat, and read something that really softened my heart. My roommate Melissa had wrote, 

    

"What if You Woke up Tomorrow with Only the Things You Thanked God for Tonight ?" 

I really pondered this thought as the night progressed. (I still had a little pity party for myself, but it was necessary haha) I then turned it around to, "What if I woke up tomorrow without the things I forgot to thank God for tonight?" So often we don't think about the things we are truly grateful for, until a moment makes us realize it- and sometimes too late. Like the old saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." That's a pretty sad thought, if you ask me. There are so many things in this life I take for granted, and I don't want to anymore. I'm challenging myself- and all of you!- before you go to sleep at night, think of everything you are thankful for. Remind God (and yourself) of the things you don't want to wake up without. Maybe even make a list, and continue adding to it every day. I bet we could each fill an entire book of everything we are grateful for! 

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (even though Canadian Thanksgiving was last month, I missed it because I was in Europe), I will start my "thankful" list here, of the things I most definitely could not imagine waking up tomorrow without. 

1. I am most grateful to a certain blonde haired little boy, who completely turned my world up-side down. I could never in a million years imagine continuing life not knowing him. He did not make the decision to come here, but through being here he made me a completely different person. My whole perspective on life (and love) changed, and for that I am truly grateful. 

2. I can't imagine waking up tomorrow without my family, each and every single one of them. My dad, who has the biggest heart of anyone I know... My mom, who became my best friend when everyone else walked away. Those 6 adorable kids who call me "Auntie", the ones I would unquestionably give my life for- My sisters, my brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... the list could go on and on. I am super blessed to be born into the family I was, and I love each of them so very much.

3. I am thankful for my friends- there are a select few who stick out the very most to me, but each of my friends over the years has made a big impact on my life in their own way. Those friends who, when things got tough for me, didn't walk away. The ones who stood by my side in the face of adversity and pulled me through it, making sure we would make it out alright together. I am grateful for the friends who were forgiving, sometimes more than once, and who just wanted what was best for me- even if it wasn't always the easiest thing to do. 

4. I am grateful for the gospel in my life, and for the beliefs and values that I have. Although (clearly) I have faltered at times, I have never doubted what I know to be true. Without that guidance in my life, I honestly do not know where I would be at right now. Life would certainly be different thats for sure.

As long as I woke up every morning with these 4 things, everything would be alright. The material things in life really don't matter (although I am grateful for all of that, too!) So make a list, and make sure you think specifically about all the things you can't imagine living without. Thanks Mel, for giving me a little wakeup call ! 

update coming soon

I've been impatient with my updates yet again... its almost 2 months late, again. Slightly frustrating for me because I SO look forward to them. Well G got in touch with D&Y and they have just been waiting a little bit to get more pictures and send some gifts along for the one year update. Again, I'm kicking myself for getting a little upset because of course I know they would never let me down.  They go above and beyond what I ever could have expected in my update packages, and I am so eternally grateful for that. Looking on the bright side- my next one is now due in 2 months instead of 4, so now I don't have to wait quite as long for that one. They are also taking him to the Temple next month to be Sealed to them- I will explain all that later :) So that means a visit is coming up too! Very excited. 

I feel so lucky to have a great relationship with Cash's APs, and that they are willing to share his life with me. They take so much of the hurt off my heart by keeping me involved in his life. I couldn't imagine having it any other way, and I am so very blessed by our whole situation. I got a new charm for my bracelet for Cash's 1st birthday and it totally speaks what I feel towards Cash & his parents:

 " I am grateful that in God's design, he planned it so your path crossed mine." 

for Nikki.

This post is in honor of a very special girl's 19th birthday. She is the single most supportive friend I had during this past year and a half. I honestly could not tell you where I would be without her in my life. She showed me that there is so much more to someone than meets the eye, and forgiveness is possible even in the worst of situations. She helped me remember that everyone can have another chance if they just take the steps to. She taught me that it is okay to have dreams and plans for the future, even if you know they might not come true. Through her example she helped me realize that I was taking important things in my life for granted. She taught me that if you believe something is true, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. She showed me that it is possible to love someone without even seeing them. She made me feel important enough to drive across the country for. Most importantly, Nikki taught me the value of friendship and what a best friend is. She taught me so many life lessons, more than I think she will ever realize. I will forever cherish the experiences we shared together. She was my therapist, my travel buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my comedian, my support system, my photographer, my confidant, my delivery coach, and my best friend. She is, and forever will be a part of my family. She knew absolutely everything about me, the good and the bad. We talked about our deepest feelings, and shared spiritual moments together. Even in my darkest times, she never allowed me to feel alone. This girl changed my world.. she taught me to look at life in a whole different light. She is determined, compassionate, genuine, trustworthy, strong-willed, hopeful, optimistic, beautiful, inquisitive, courageous, ambitious, loyal, brave, & the list could go on and on. She is such an example to me, and I hope to someday be half the person she is. When I look back on high school, Nikki was the friend that never faltered. No fight was too big to keep us apart for long. Some of the best memories I have include her, and there are far too many to name. Just thinking about them now makes me laugh, and others make me cry. I will forever be grateful for this girls' friendship, and no matter what happens in life I hope she knows that she will always be my best friend.

Summer 2008

2009

This basically sums it all up.

Anaconda! I'm sorry Nik, I had to.

We sometimes acted like children.

Unsuccessful Waterton trip 2009

Successful Waterton trip, 2009

Sometimes we took roadtrips..

Summer 2009
 

First picture with Babis

LOVE.

Utah, April 2010

Grad 2010

Grad 2010

You were there, every step of the way

You saw Cash first.

Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you are with them..
but still, there is love between you.

Cash will always know of your love for him.

Bug, I hope you have a great birthday, 

because you definitely deserve it.

I love you so much, & don't you ever forget it.

comfort.

I finally got the courage to read the update Y gave me for Cash's 10 month package. It is so amazing to read her letters, she is an amazing writer, and it really makes me feel like I'm right there with them in the story. When reading, I always skip ahead to the end of her letters where she always turns the cheery, upbeat words into a more serious tune. This last letter, which she wrote in April, really touched me and made me realize, for the billionth time, how wonderful Cash's parents are and how grateful I am for them.

"As Cash sleeps, his deep blue eyes closed for the night until the daylight of a new day awakens them to their brilliance, I give my deepest thanks to the unselfish choices of two sacred birth parents. Two blessed souls, who put their own pain aside an felt that making a choice in the best interest of their son was the right one. Every day, I often think as I raise him; "Is this what they would want me to do?" You are always on my mind. As I wipe his hands and face without delay and keep him squeaky clean I know his loving extended family would be pleased to see him kept that way. I think of you as I see characteristics that emerge and I am able to see each of you begin to develop in him. He is our son and a miracle of creation that reminds me daily to be grateful to the loving choices of his birth parents and to our Heavenly Father's great plan for us on this earth. 

To two of the most beautiful people that we have ever known, we want you to know how much we love you, think of you and pray for you always. Cash will always know who you are and love you for your choices. I will teach him to always be grateful for loving birthparents who followed inspired messages and to a loving Heavenly Father who directed this amazing, perfect boy to your eternal family. 

With love, now and always. "  

wouldn't you love waking up to this little face ?

visit #2

HAPPY EARLY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME! 

OH, and HAPPY BIRTHMOTHER'S DAY! 

(just thought I'd throw that in there so people outside of the adoption world would know)

Friday afternoon I got to see my sweet little Cash. We met at LDSFS and had a great visit. Just Y, S, Cash and myself. She wanted to spend some time together, just us moms, for Mother's Day. 

He wouldn't stay away from the water cooler ! Here he is giving me a face before reaching up and pulling the lever. He knew he wasn't supposed to! Such a mischievous little boy.

He loved being spun around with S in the chair, and every time he'd come around he'd give me a little face. This was one of  many different looks ! 

Crawling after his big sister! 

Big Yawns !!

 It was getting close to nap-time, so we had to say our goodbyes.

When Y was putting him in the carseat, Cash just stared at me and smiled. She shut the car door and the last thing I saw was his little face looking back at me. I pictured him thinking "Don't be sad, look how happy I am!" And look how happy that makes me.

I am TRULY grateful for Cash's adoptive parents. The fact that it was her that reached out to me for this visit means the world. They are amazing people, and I am so lucky to have a relationship with them. Y and I talked about many things that "friends" would talk about. I feel so comfortable around her, and she gives good advice. I know she would do anything for me.

We shared words that are very near to my heart, and I don't wish to write them on here because they are so special to me. This woman is such a light in my life, and I look up to her so much. I strive to live my life daily to become more like her, but I know I could never come close. Her love for her children is overwhelming. I found myself just looking at the three of them and being so happy. 

I feel at such peace. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type, but they are tears of joy. 

I have searched for answers for so long, and I have finally received them. 

I know why I went through what I did this past year and a half.

True, it hurt. A lot. It still hurts. It probably always will. 

But you know what ? 

It's. SO. Worth. It.

edited: a letter to you.

I originally wrote this on February 22nd, but I felt the need to add in some things. Sorry to those of you who have already read it.

This is a letter to you. Maybe you just accidentally came upon my blog. Maybe you've been reading all along. Whatever the reason for your visit at this very moment, I want to thank you. I don't get many responses to my posts, but the ones I do get inspire me. If I have made even the smallest influence on someone else's life, then my job here is done. I started writing with the intentions to keep it private and just write as a sort of healing process for me. Then I decided to open it up without telling anyone, so that the only readers were those who actually wanted to hear from someone like them.. Well, now it has become all of that and so much more. Writing this blog has helped me in so many ways, and its the people like you who make me want to continue writing. I receive so many emails and Facebook messages from you all, and I am so thankful for them. To those of you that I have not yet replied to, I am sorry! But please know I appreciated your kind words so much, and it all means a lot to me. Sometimes you say you are embarrassed to tell me you read my blog, or that it is awkward to send me a message. Please stop thinking like that ! haha. I love hearing from you, especially when you say I have made a small difference in your life. So keep sending those messages ! ;) Maybe you haven't personally been affected by adoption, but I hope you can use some of it to apply to other trials you are facing. Whatever the case, I hope you have gained a little something from reading about my experiences. If you are struggling with something, anything at all.. just remember to keep your head held high. Thats the best advice I could give you. Don't give up when things get tough. Thats when you have to keep going.. never give up. Take the opportunity life has handed you with open arms. Don't think of a trial as the end of something. Think of it as the start to something great.

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will... "

-Hope Floats

8 months.

It seems like yesterday I was holding his tiny hand in mine. It still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about those days I spent with him, and the day I let him go. I don't think the tears will ever stop. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I am able to get through a day now without crying when I think of him, but that doesn't mean the pain isn't still there. I'm healing- slowly. Thinking about him specifically- what he looks like, what he is doing- that doesn't hurt. Its remembering back to what it felt like to hold him for the first time.. and the last time. Placing him into Y's arms and walking out of the room, not looking back. Driving away from the hospital with an empty backseat. Going on with life as though nothing happened. That's where the tears come from. I can't believe all that happened just 8 short months ago. I wish I had found this journal entry I wrote earlier. I found a lot of comfort reading it today, but I had wrote it to Cash on January 18th, 2010. Here it is:

"I feel really blessed today. I don't really know why, nothing special happened ! I just feel like honestly I have nothing to complain about. I could always whine and say how much my life sucks and black blah blah but it really doesn't ! I'm HAPPY. I look at other people's lives and realize how lucky and blessed I truly am. Look at me- I've got an amazing support from family and friends, talents, a good lifestyle, and most importantly- you. I feel so blessed to be a mother, in spite of the circumstances. I was just thinking today, "wow. Heavenly Father has trusted me enough to send one of his children here to me." It's like I finally realized that maybe this was meant to happen. That maybe this was what my role here on Earth was supposed to be. That maybe we all agreed to this before we even came here. I don't know, maybe that sounds silly. But its just a thought. I found this quote and it's what made me stop to think about it all. 

"There are two great days in a person's life. The day we are born, and the day we discover why."

You are my reason for living. I've always struggled with self esteem, and for the first time in my life I feel extremely confident and trusting of myself. I believe in myself. I know that I have made mistakes, but I am doing all I can to make them better. Words cannot describe how much I love you already. For the next 4 months, its me and you against the world! I promise we will get though everything it throws at us. You have given me a strength I didn't know I had. I promise I won't let you down, not now and not ever. I hope you will always be proud to call me your birthmother, as I know I will always be proud of you.  I love you! 

"Lonely was the song I sang, till the day you came. Showing me another way, and all that love can bring." " 

love day

Happy Valentines Day!!

Things I am grateful for today:

That 2 people fell in love, and opened their lives to my son. I am grateful for the way they have lived their lives, so that they are able to give Cash what he deserves. I am grateful that they will have him sealed to them for time and all eternity, so that one day, I will be with him again. I love D&Y so much .

Curtis. He has changed my life in so many ways, and I don’t know what I would do without him. He knows absolutely everything about me and somehow still loves me anyways. The past few years with him have made my life a complete rollercoaster, and yet I wouldn’t change a single minute of it. I say I owe my life to Cash- well, I owe it to Cash’s birthdaddy too. He is what got me through the last year and a half, and honestly without him I don’t know if I would be where I am today. He was there when I felt so alone. He was the only one who completely understood what I was feeling. We shared more than a child together- we shared an incredible love for that child. Not one person on this earth has felt the way I feel about Cash besides Curtis. When I am feeling a certain way, Curt is who I go to. Some days, I don’t even have to say anything and he just knows that I am missing Cash and tells me everything will be okay. We cry together, we laugh together, and we smile together, talking about what Cash’s life is going to be like. At times we wonder what it would be like if we had kept Cash, but we do not regret our decision. I love Curtis so much and am proud of the man he has become over the past year. I’d like to take the credit for it, but I really can’t do that. He has become an amazing person, and has grown into a great man. He too, recognizes that all this happened because of our baby boy. Our mistake that turned into a blessing. I fell in love with a man who loved my son as equally as I did. Curt showed me that it is possible to break out of the things that bind us, and to fight and become a better person when things seem impossible. When most people expected him to walk away, he instead walked into my life, and was determined to stay there. Cash will always know how much his birthfather loved him, and how lucky he is to have him in his life. Many times the birthfather doesn’t stick around, and it is the child who suffers when they go looking for answers. I am so grateful for Curtis in my life, and for everything he has helped me through. Without him, I don’t know if I could’ve gotten through what I did as easily. He supported me whole-heartedly, no matter what, and I love him for that. Curtis will always be my best friend, and father to the little boy that changed my life.

honorable mentionaries

There are many people who helped me an insane amount during my pregnancy and after placement, and definitely deserve a spot on my honorable mentions list. They are those who were "behind the scenes" and that I haven't blogged about, yet still love very much and played huge roles in my life last year.

1. Bobbi- I have always always always loved Bobbi (aka Sister O) and she honestly saved me through so much. I met her years ago on a church camp and we became really close. We used to go for dinner once a month and just talk for hours. I loved our conversations, and she genuinely cared about what I was feeling, which was important to me. I was with her the day before I had Cash, and then she came to see us in the hospital. She gave me a blanket for him that she had made for her baby (who ended up being a girl) and so she was keeping it to give to someone special. I kept that blanket as a reminder of all I've been through and cherish it very much. 

2. Gloria, Lindsay, Cathy, and Michelle- The women I counseled with. All had something to do with LDSFS, and I saw each of them weekly. They made sure I was aware of all the options and that I was making the right decision, for me and for Cash. Without their support and love I don't know what I would have done. They were so easy to talk to, and helped me with anything I needed. I still feel close to all 4, and am so grateful for the roles they played in my life throughout the hard times. I love them all so much! 

3. Guest speakers that I talked to during my pregnancy- Gloria had lots of people come to our classes and talk to us about their stories. We talked to lawyers, single moms, nurses, birthmoms, adoptive parents, women who kept one child and placed another, and couples who placed and then ended up getting married. Their stories were so touching, and helped all of us girls so so much. It was so helpful to talk to people who had been through what I was going through, and get important information from the lawyers and nurses.

4. The people from my church- You'd think being a pregnant 17-year old would turn some heads and get some negative attention, but honestly I had never felt so loved, and accepted as I did during those 9 months. This might all be in my head and maybe I am living in denial, but not once did I ever feel judged or disowned by the people I went to church with. I guess that because I went every week, maybe people were used to seeing me and didn't really think about it after awhile. Whatever the reasoning for it was, I am so grateful for all the people from my ward who supported and loved me no matter what the circumstances were. It just goes to show that we shouldn't judge people for their mistakes, because everyone can change. 

5. This may seem a little odd, but I am going to mention all the people from LCI- Walking the halls of that high school and trying to fit in a desk surrounded by 30 classmates was a little uncomfortable, to say the least. But everyone there made it so much easier, because they accepted me and did not say rude comments. I know how judgmental teenagers can be, I am relieved I did not hear any of that personally. Most acted like I wasn't gaining a pound a day, which was nice. My friends were still my friends, regardless. Teachers were kind to me, and treated me just like any of their other students- which was really important to me and I am thankful for that. I didn't want to be given any special treatment, because that would only draw more attention to myself. They worked with me, and I did my best to blend in to everyone else. (which is difficult when you have a basketball for a belly. on a little side note- ever wondered how overweight people feel, trying to squish into one of those stupid desks with the chairs attached? well let me tell you, it is no easy task. Near the end of school I had to start sitting sideways in my desk because I wouldn't fit anymore :( made a good laugh for all my friends though) 

The list could go on and on, but I think I should end now and just extend a HUGE thank you to everyone else. Your love and support last year is so greatly appreciated, words can't even say how much the little things you did got me through the big things. I love you all!! 

calling all b'moms; part 2

SO, I just had a thought about the last post I did, asking for some advice from fellow birthmoms to help my friend Nicole. As I was talking about the situation with a close friend of mine today, I realized how upset this actually makes me.

Adoption is a sacred thing. Those children are placed because of an unconditional love their birthparents feel for them. It goes so much farther than just the child's current temporal needs. Speaking on behalf of Curtis and I, when we made the decision to place Cash it was so much more than us not being able to take care of him "right now". We realized without a doubt that our child's entire future for ETERNITY would be affected by our decision. It was a very spiritual decision I had to make, and I did not take it lightly whatsoever. A lot of sincere prayer went into choosing a family for Cash, and to this day I still feel "tingly" when I think about the incredible experience it was for me. I am sure Nicole and Justin went through this same thought process. Adoption is a very tender, touching subject for me to be open with. It is becoming easier through this blog, but He and his family will always be very sacred to me. I would be furious if one day Curtis and I broke up and he brings some random girl (that he was not engaged/married to) to see MY son. When I gave birth to Cash, we decided not to have any visitors other than our families. I wanted as much time with him as possible. I think I hurt some people's feelings when I asked them not to come, but they respected me and I am grateful for that. In the end, I had my two best friends, Nikki (who was in the delivery room) and Karlee come because they were so close to me, and also my cousin/best friend Hayley and my close friend Anise from dance. I chose who I wanted to share him with very carefully, and I really wanted these girls to see him while they could and love him with me. I drew the line at those friends, because I felt that he was too special to be shared with just anyone. Again, I'm sure that Nicole and Justin didn't invite the whole world into their special moment with Levi. I would love to have my friends see Cash because he is so darn cute! But I am kind of selfish in the fact that I want my private time with Cash because I don't get it very often. I would hate to share that time with my ex-boyfriend/baby's daddy's current girlfriend. Especially if that girlfriend was trying to take my place in my son's life. Not OK at all.
These are just some of the reasons I am so upset over the fact that Justin wants his new girlfriend Emma present in his birthson's life. Maybe I am over reacting, but this is something that really struck me in the wrong way. What do you all think? Thanks for the quick responses to my last post!

because of a little boy

It is amazing to me how many people are affected by one life. I was thinking about this tonight while talking to Karlee. She texted me saying she misses her "nephew" (Cash) and wishes she could hold him.. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew it would affect my family. I knew it would affect some of my friends. But I didn't realize the effect it would have on so many of the other people around me. Making a decision would not only have an influence on my life, my baby's life, and my parents life, but everyone else's life as well. Had I kept Cash, my friendships would have changed dramatically. Placing him also made my friendships change though, too. One of my best friends took the loss of Cash very hard. She was a huge part of my pregnancy, and felt as though now that he was gone, so was our close friendship. It was difficult for me to watch her pain, but I was going through it too so we grieved together. Nikki, Karlee, Hayley and Anise were the only friends I had come see Cash in the hospital, and none of them have seen him since other than in pictures. Despite this, I know that he has made a big impact on some of my friends lives, and it touches my heart. That little boy didn't have a choice to be brought to earth- but he has already made it a better place without even knowing it. I can't imagine what my life would be like without having this amazing experience; I honestly am so grateful for having had it in my life. At times it doesn't feel real- did I really go through all of this last year? And then I stop and realize how different things were before I got pregnant, and how happy I am with the way things are now. Who knew how much a little baby boy could change the world? He certainly changed mine. 

"Because you live and breathe, Because you made me believe in myself when no one else could help. Because you live, my world has twice as many stars in the sky... Because of you, I made it through every storm" - Jesse McCartney "Because You Live"

meeting the family.

(March 2, 2010)
Today was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. I will think back to this day many times and it will make me feel at peace. I met two of the most amazing people today. They have changed my life in more ways than one. I walked into the office, and I was so nervous! I didn't know what to expect or how to act. But as soon as I saw their smiling faces, I knew I was in the right place. Y told me I as beautiful. Wow, she is too! I looked at their faces, and saw my son. It was the strangest thing, but I seriously looked at them and pictured you right there. They started off our meeting talking about each other. Tears came to my eyes and I felt them slowly run down my cheeks as I listened. I felt the love they shared, and just the way they looked at each other touched my heart in more ways than I can explain. THAT is what I want in my marriage. One of their very first questions was from Y.. "Do I need to get Dora or Diego?" and D said, "No! Figure skating or hockey?!" Then they both laughed, not expecting me to answer right away but I smiled and said "Definitely hockey!" Without skipping a beat, they pushed their chairs back out of excitement and their eyes teared up. It made me so happy to see THEM so happy. We talked about schooling, sports, travel, family, etc. and I loved EVERYTHING they said. They really are PERFECT. And Curt completely agrees :) He was getting along great with them, D & him have so much in common ! Their jerseys playing hockey were #2, expect this year Curt was #20, which was D's football number. They both play defense and shoot left, but are right handed. It was so crazy! 
We talked a bit about names, and there is one they suggested that Curt and I really like. We think we have the name we want on the original birth certificate picked out, and your first name will be the same as the name D&Y choose. Your middle name will be Mackenzie, after my dad. I didn't want our meeting to end today!! They are amazing people and I can't wait to get to know them better. Curtis and I were talking after, and we feel 100% that this is the family for you. They have everything we could ever ask for our son. You will have an amazing life with these 2 perfect parents. I promise! I have a calm, peaceful feeling for my decision, and that is the comfort I need. I love D&Y, and I know you were sent here to me, to be sent to them. I strongly believe this with all my heart. You are my world, and these are the people I trust to love you as I do.


We met with D&Y a couple more times after this first meeting, and each time made me fall in love with them even more. They have touched my life in so many ways, and I feel as though I am a better person because of their influence. I honestly have not forgotten the way they looked at each other, and the way they spoke to & about each other. They are the example of a truly happy couple, and I hope to one day have the same level of love within my own marriage. I love them so much for opening their hearts, and lives to Cash and raising him the way I wanted to.