Attention all birthmothers ! I need help from some of you who have been through a similar situation to the girl I am about to tell you about. (Names have been changed for Privacy)
Nicole and her boyfriend Justin gave up their son Levi in 2009, and broke up shortly after. They decided at that time that they would always go together to see Levi, and not bring their new partners. It would complicate things too much for Levi if he always had to meet new people his birthparents were dating. Well, Justin has decided that he is going to bring his new girlfriend Emma (keep in mind all involved are still teenagers), and doesn't see a problem with it. Justin no longer speaks to Nicole at these visits, and doesn't even want her coming to them anymore- which I think is ridiculous, because she is Levi's mother. Anyways, Nicole is very upset about this and is super frustrated because there is not much she can do. She feels really betrayed and powerless. Emma has been stepping in and is always nagging Justin to go see Levi. This whole situation is very difficult on Nicole and her family. I am close to her sister, and she has came to me with concerns for Nicole.
If any of you birthmothers are in a similar situation, or know someone who has dealt with this, please send me an email or comment with your own story or advice I can give to Nicole. So far I have not had to deal with anything like this, so I am not in any position to give her advice.
You all are great, Thank-you!!
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Ashley and Michael
This guest blogger is the other girl from my birthparent class. I'm sure you have all read Hailey's amazing story, and this one from Ashley is just as touching. She had a unique experience, one that happens often and unfortunately gets overlooked in the adoption world. The couple she chose were my #1 choice before I found D&Y, so I always had an interest in her adoption situation. I fully supported her in the difficult decision she ended up making because she knew she was doing what was right for her son. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, and I see that so strongly in her story. In the end, it all worked out perfectly for everyone involved and I am so happy for them. Here is her story:
"Becoming a mother is in no way an easy change in life. Things change so fast when you find out that you are pregnant. Your thoughts go from being about yourself and what you want in life to " Where is he going to go to school?" " Where are we going to set up our home?" The change is so fast so unexpected that over night you become a whole new person. You would never have expected to think about diapers or formula, but you find yourself constantly thinking about them. You fear labour and getting fatter. STRETCH MARKS. That is a huge worry for some women. Your boobs litterally are not where they used to be. They seem to have fallen and you need to buy a good support bra to hold them back up or else you look like your grandma with your boobs lower then everyone else.
My pregnancy was easy, physically. But emotionally was a whole different story. I was very messed up. I was scared and upset. I felt alone and stupid. I would have panic attacks. I was dreading the final stages of pregnancy cause I was so afraid of what would happen after.
You see, when I found out I was pregnant I was surprised. It wasn't a "I had only been with the guy a short period of time" or one of those one night stand situations. I had been with my boyfriend for over a year. He was the only guy that I had ever had a sexual relationship with and I loved him. I wanted to get married to him. We liked to be together and we liked similar things. But in Decemeber some stuff started to go wrong. I was finding myself unhappy all the time. I was angry all the time. I wasnt really angry with my boyfriend, I was angry with myself. I hated the world and I hated myself. Then on Christmas Day my Grandma died and that sent me over the edge.
Normally I take out my journal on these occassions and vent then come back the next day read it and reflect on the situation. That way I am calm and can look back and figure things out. Well I didn't do that this time. This time I went to my mom. And she had some good words to say but it wasn't the right moment for me to hear it. Everything everyone said I tried to do. My mom suggested that if I was so unsure maybe I should look into adoption. So I did. But I went beyond that. I signed up for adoption. I put my name on a paper and signed it saying I was going to put my unborn baby into someone else's home and let them raise him. I commited to it so fast that I didn't really think about it till after. I didn't even discuss it with my boyfriend first. I just did it. Then that is when the bigger problems started.
I had been living with my boyfriend for a couple weeks. Just over a month really. We moved in together because I was pregnant. Things became frustrating for me. He lived with his brother, his cousin, and another guy lived downstairs. Then there was me and living with all those guys I needed to get away. It wasnt home to me. I ended up causing more stress to myself because I had to move out and I had to tell my boyfriend that I was leaving. I still remember every feeling in my body when I told him. He was so sad. The shock in his face still haunts me. I loved him so much yet here I was causing him pain. Then when I told him about adoption, his entire body just slumped over and his tears became heavier and more rapid. I was taking away his son and he had no warning about it.
I ended up living in my cousins basement and 95% of the time I was alone. Being alone was not something that should have happened. I should have made myself get out and do things. But I was so sad and so unhappy with myself that I couldnt think about leaving the house. I wanted to disappear. My boyfriend didnt break up with me. He would come visit me and he would spend sometime with me, but I know it was hard for him to do. He wanted to be as involved with the adoption as possible. He wanted an open adoption and he wanted to be able to let our son know that he always loved him. He wanted to be there for him. It hurt to know that he wanted this baby so much and yet I was going to deny him his own family.
You see, my boyfriend wasn't a bad guy. He was a sweetheart. He was sensitive. He had a very strong work ethic and he had a stable job. He was awesome with money and budgeting. He owned a very family friendly vehicle. He was genuine. He had just bought his own home and was waiting for construction to start.
We moved on with the adoption. I went to my pregnant mothers class with a few other girls. One was keeping and raising her baby on her own. The other was doing adoption. I was so nervous to be there. I thought that they would all see through me. A 20 year old who could afford to take care of my son, who had the means to do so. Who would have support. Yet here I was. Giving up my baby. I felt like people were going to say I was taking the easy road out. I was too selfish to take care of him. But they would be wrong. Adoption is the hardest, most terrifying experience I have ever had in my entire life and I admire those who follow through and place their child into the arms of a loving family.
We found a couple families that we liked and it took three tries before we found the right one. I fell in love with them ASAP. Then when we met it was so perfect. The wife I will call Mrs. H. She was so adorable and she was so excited. She was willing to do an open adoption and wanted us to know that she understood how hard it was for us to let him go. Mr. H was supportive of his wife but I felt like he didnt really want an open adoption. My boyfriend felt the same way. He said that he seemed like he only wanted us to recieve letters and pictures and maybe eventually stop with pictures and letters. We both wanted to be able to visit. To see him grow with our own eyes. To see that he was happy.
As time passed I kept pushing my doubts aside and saying I signed that I wanted adoption and I better follow through. I was having problems with family because half said I was being a good mother doing this for him, then the other half said they would not be supportiive of this desicion. I was torn. I was scared. I was alone. I couldnt tell my mother that I wanted to keep him because she was pro adoption. She was very excited for the adoptive family. Yet it felt like my pain meant nothing to her. That I would easily be able to walk away from him and move on with life. I knew he would be my biggest event in my life. I loved him already and I would never stop loving him. My boyfriend was very cautious. He told me that we could support him and that he would be there for everything. But if I went through with the adoption, he never wanted to see me again. I understood but it hurt to hear him say that. I would not only lose my son but the only man that I had ever loved.
I was due July 12 2010. My son came into the world July 15 2010. The last week I was pregnant was the hardest time during my pregnancy. I didn't want him to come. I wanted him to stay inside of me forever. I could keep him safe from heartache, pain, anger and all the cruel things of the world. When I went into labour I called my boyfriend, for what I feared would be the last time. He didnt answer his phone and I dont drive. So I took transit to his house while in labour. Not the funnest experience of my life.
My labour was fast and quick. I went into early labour at 8 pm on July 14. I started having contractions that were 10 mins to 15 mins apart at 5am. We went to the hospital at 6 just to check if i was dialated yet. Only 1 cm. I went to my house and packed somethings and by 12 my contractions were stronger and closer together. I was having a hard time swallowing so I became dehydrated. The only thing they could give me was ice chips. I tried jello at the hospital but a contraction made me throw-up. By 1pm I was in the hospital again dialated 6cm. The delivery room is nice and big. And the shower was the best part. It helped so much with my contractions. Although I was being a total wimp. They had to give me an IV cause I was so dehydtrated that pushing would be harder. My boyfriend was awesome. He stayed by my side the entire time and helped me when I was having a contraction. He was scared himself. My mother was in the room and was being very supportive for him. She helped him coach me. She told him to be firm and to be strong. When I started pushing she told him that this would be intense but he needed to stay strong for me and for the baby. She was there the entire time and I am very greatful to her. My boyfriend was amazing. He was so brave. And at one point when our son was crowning he looked down by mistake. He turned his face back to me and he was ash green. It made me laugh. I almost thought he was going to faint. But he stayed strong and coached me. My nurse was the best nurse. She was strict, firm and was not affraid to get in my face to make me concentrate. I was a wimp I must tell you. Morphine was my bestfriend. I refused an epidural. Michael was born at 5:28 pm. I only had to push for 20 mins. He was born 6lbs 10 oz. He was 21 inches long.
I don't remember much about after he was born. I was taken to the OR cause I was in bad shape. I had torn so bad inside and outside that they had to put me under to fix it. I missed the first 6 hours of my sons life because I was under anesthetic. I wasn't able to get out of the bed for 36 hours. I could hardly sit up and so i was unable to change his diapers. Feeding him was impossible. I felt like my only chance at being his mother was taken away. I watched his little face and I knew he was mine. We decided to keep him and it tore my heart to pieces when I thought of the adoptive family who wasnt going to take him home.
For 5 months I had nightmares and I tortured myself. I hated that I had hurt such an innocent couple. Then at Christmas time I got an amazing gift of relief. The adoptive family had been given a baby, and to make things better it was a fully closed adoption.
I love being a mom. I love my son. I love my boyfriend. I love my family and I feel incredibly lucky to have so many people who care about me. My friends at work were so supportive and happy for me. I love them and I cant wait to go back to work and see them all everyday.
I admire Dallas and what she did for her son. She is an inspiration to me and I know her son will love her and thank her in the future."
Love you, Ashley and Michael!
"Becoming a mother is in no way an easy change in life. Things change so fast when you find out that you are pregnant. Your thoughts go from being about yourself and what you want in life to " Where is he going to go to school?" " Where are we going to set up our home?" The change is so fast so unexpected that over night you become a whole new person. You would never have expected to think about diapers or formula, but you find yourself constantly thinking about them. You fear labour and getting fatter. STRETCH MARKS. That is a huge worry for some women. Your boobs litterally are not where they used to be. They seem to have fallen and you need to buy a good support bra to hold them back up or else you look like your grandma with your boobs lower then everyone else.
My pregnancy was easy, physically. But emotionally was a whole different story. I was very messed up. I was scared and upset. I felt alone and stupid. I would have panic attacks. I was dreading the final stages of pregnancy cause I was so afraid of what would happen after.
You see, when I found out I was pregnant I was surprised. It wasn't a "I had only been with the guy a short period of time" or one of those one night stand situations. I had been with my boyfriend for over a year. He was the only guy that I had ever had a sexual relationship with and I loved him. I wanted to get married to him. We liked to be together and we liked similar things. But in Decemeber some stuff started to go wrong. I was finding myself unhappy all the time. I was angry all the time. I wasnt really angry with my boyfriend, I was angry with myself. I hated the world and I hated myself. Then on Christmas Day my Grandma died and that sent me over the edge.
Normally I take out my journal on these occassions and vent then come back the next day read it and reflect on the situation. That way I am calm and can look back and figure things out. Well I didn't do that this time. This time I went to my mom. And she had some good words to say but it wasn't the right moment for me to hear it. Everything everyone said I tried to do. My mom suggested that if I was so unsure maybe I should look into adoption. So I did. But I went beyond that. I signed up for adoption. I put my name on a paper and signed it saying I was going to put my unborn baby into someone else's home and let them raise him. I commited to it so fast that I didn't really think about it till after. I didn't even discuss it with my boyfriend first. I just did it. Then that is when the bigger problems started.
I had been living with my boyfriend for a couple weeks. Just over a month really. We moved in together because I was pregnant. Things became frustrating for me. He lived with his brother, his cousin, and another guy lived downstairs. Then there was me and living with all those guys I needed to get away. It wasnt home to me. I ended up causing more stress to myself because I had to move out and I had to tell my boyfriend that I was leaving. I still remember every feeling in my body when I told him. He was so sad. The shock in his face still haunts me. I loved him so much yet here I was causing him pain. Then when I told him about adoption, his entire body just slumped over and his tears became heavier and more rapid. I was taking away his son and he had no warning about it.
I ended up living in my cousins basement and 95% of the time I was alone. Being alone was not something that should have happened. I should have made myself get out and do things. But I was so sad and so unhappy with myself that I couldnt think about leaving the house. I wanted to disappear. My boyfriend didnt break up with me. He would come visit me and he would spend sometime with me, but I know it was hard for him to do. He wanted to be as involved with the adoption as possible. He wanted an open adoption and he wanted to be able to let our son know that he always loved him. He wanted to be there for him. It hurt to know that he wanted this baby so much and yet I was going to deny him his own family.
You see, my boyfriend wasn't a bad guy. He was a sweetheart. He was sensitive. He had a very strong work ethic and he had a stable job. He was awesome with money and budgeting. He owned a very family friendly vehicle. He was genuine. He had just bought his own home and was waiting for construction to start.
We moved on with the adoption. I went to my pregnant mothers class with a few other girls. One was keeping and raising her baby on her own. The other was doing adoption. I was so nervous to be there. I thought that they would all see through me. A 20 year old who could afford to take care of my son, who had the means to do so. Who would have support. Yet here I was. Giving up my baby. I felt like people were going to say I was taking the easy road out. I was too selfish to take care of him. But they would be wrong. Adoption is the hardest, most terrifying experience I have ever had in my entire life and I admire those who follow through and place their child into the arms of a loving family.
We found a couple families that we liked and it took three tries before we found the right one. I fell in love with them ASAP. Then when we met it was so perfect. The wife I will call Mrs. H. She was so adorable and she was so excited. She was willing to do an open adoption and wanted us to know that she understood how hard it was for us to let him go. Mr. H was supportive of his wife but I felt like he didnt really want an open adoption. My boyfriend felt the same way. He said that he seemed like he only wanted us to recieve letters and pictures and maybe eventually stop with pictures and letters. We both wanted to be able to visit. To see him grow with our own eyes. To see that he was happy.
As time passed I kept pushing my doubts aside and saying I signed that I wanted adoption and I better follow through. I was having problems with family because half said I was being a good mother doing this for him, then the other half said they would not be supportiive of this desicion. I was torn. I was scared. I was alone. I couldnt tell my mother that I wanted to keep him because she was pro adoption. She was very excited for the adoptive family. Yet it felt like my pain meant nothing to her. That I would easily be able to walk away from him and move on with life. I knew he would be my biggest event in my life. I loved him already and I would never stop loving him. My boyfriend was very cautious. He told me that we could support him and that he would be there for everything. But if I went through with the adoption, he never wanted to see me again. I understood but it hurt to hear him say that. I would not only lose my son but the only man that I had ever loved.
I was due July 12 2010. My son came into the world July 15 2010. The last week I was pregnant was the hardest time during my pregnancy. I didn't want him to come. I wanted him to stay inside of me forever. I could keep him safe from heartache, pain, anger and all the cruel things of the world. When I went into labour I called my boyfriend, for what I feared would be the last time. He didnt answer his phone and I dont drive. So I took transit to his house while in labour. Not the funnest experience of my life.
My labour was fast and quick. I went into early labour at 8 pm on July 14. I started having contractions that were 10 mins to 15 mins apart at 5am. We went to the hospital at 6 just to check if i was dialated yet. Only 1 cm. I went to my house and packed somethings and by 12 my contractions were stronger and closer together. I was having a hard time swallowing so I became dehydrated. The only thing they could give me was ice chips. I tried jello at the hospital but a contraction made me throw-up. By 1pm I was in the hospital again dialated 6cm. The delivery room is nice and big. And the shower was the best part. It helped so much with my contractions. Although I was being a total wimp. They had to give me an IV cause I was so dehydtrated that pushing would be harder. My boyfriend was awesome. He stayed by my side the entire time and helped me when I was having a contraction. He was scared himself. My mother was in the room and was being very supportive for him. She helped him coach me. She told him to be firm and to be strong. When I started pushing she told him that this would be intense but he needed to stay strong for me and for the baby. She was there the entire time and I am very greatful to her. My boyfriend was amazing. He was so brave. And at one point when our son was crowning he looked down by mistake. He turned his face back to me and he was ash green. It made me laugh. I almost thought he was going to faint. But he stayed strong and coached me. My nurse was the best nurse. She was strict, firm and was not affraid to get in my face to make me concentrate. I was a wimp I must tell you. Morphine was my bestfriend. I refused an epidural. Michael was born at 5:28 pm. I only had to push for 20 mins. He was born 6lbs 10 oz. He was 21 inches long.
I don't remember much about after he was born. I was taken to the OR cause I was in bad shape. I had torn so bad inside and outside that they had to put me under to fix it. I missed the first 6 hours of my sons life because I was under anesthetic. I wasn't able to get out of the bed for 36 hours. I could hardly sit up and so i was unable to change his diapers. Feeding him was impossible. I felt like my only chance at being his mother was taken away. I watched his little face and I knew he was mine. We decided to keep him and it tore my heart to pieces when I thought of the adoptive family who wasnt going to take him home.
For 5 months I had nightmares and I tortured myself. I hated that I had hurt such an innocent couple. Then at Christmas time I got an amazing gift of relief. The adoptive family had been given a baby, and to make things better it was a fully closed adoption.
I love being a mom. I love my son. I love my boyfriend. I love my family and I feel incredibly lucky to have so many people who care about me. My friends at work were so supportive and happy for me. I love them and I cant wait to go back to work and see them all everyday.
I admire Dallas and what she did for her son. She is an inspiration to me and I know her son will love her and thank her in the future."
Love you, Ashley and Michael!
Monday, January 3, 2011
guest story!
"Everyone’s story is different, even when we go through the same sorts of things... My story didn’t start eight years ago but it didn’t end there either. My story probably starts in grade school. I was not a popular girl and I was picked on and spit on and bullied my whole school life. In grade 12 I moved, ran away from my school problems and found a better group a friends. I dated my first boyfriend, although I don’t think I liked him but liked the fact that he liked me. It didn’t last long.
After school, I went to college. One day, walking down the halls with my roommate, we past a really attractive guy. He said something I thought was nice and my roommate thought was flirting and I was hooked. I didn’t know who he was, but he was nice to me and he was attractive. Later on during the school year we met and started hanging out. He wasn’t a member of my church and didn’t believe in God at all. He didn’t have a lot of moral standing or have a lot of the qualities I wanted in a husband but he thought I was attractive and no one had ever said that before. My parents were always trying to get me to be better and do something different and it’s probably because they could see the direction in which I was heading and wanted to help. But I didn’t see it as help or love, I saw it as attacking. I got into trouble as always happens in these stories and then I assumed that the Lord no longer loved me because I had sinned. No one else seemed to love me or care for me so why would He? The only person who did was a guy who wouldn’t even date me exclusively, but that is all I thought I was worth.
I got pregnant and the first suggestion from this guy was to get an abortion. I was offended but looking back, it makes sense that if a person didn’t believe in God, they wouldn’t see abortion as wrong either. Luckily, I remembered enough of what I had been taught as a child and could never abort a child. His next idea was adoption. We weren’t going to be married, that wasn’t the direction our relationship was going, although I thought I loved him. He didn’t have a steady job and wanted to be a magician and free, not tied down to a kid with some girl he was just having fun times with. So, I looked into adoption and single parenting. I had some really good friends to help me along the way and one told me time and time again that if I wanted to single parent, I could come live with her and her soon-to-be husband once they were married and they would help support me and my baby. I loved the support but I knew that adoption was the best thing for this child and that is the direction I went in. I know it is not the same for all young, unmarried mother’s but that was the best thing for my baby. I found a good family and met them a few times. When I first saw their pictures, I knew that was where my child belonged- they were her family!
At the end of our relationship, this guy I was dating decided that he wanted to change things up. Three weeks before I was due, he came to me and said that he wanted his brother and sister-in-law adopt our daughter and then he could see her whenever he wanted but he wouldn’t have to parent her. He told me he was going to take me to court over her. I was pretty worried and went into the hospital that night, bleeding due to stress. This was where things changed. I asked my dad for a blessing and in it I was told that I had to fight for this child because she couldn’t fight for herself. Three weeks later, I went into the hospital with my mom as my support and had a beautiful baby girl. Five days after that he took me to court and I fought for my daughter and what I knew was right. I knew she was part of someone else’s family and I knew that was the will of the Lord. So many people were behind me, praying for the baby and I and it did work our way. Before the end of the day, my daughter was with her family and I have only seen her once since. I have gotten pictures and letters of her for the last eight years and now my openness agreement has come to its end. We have written about it and her parents feel that continuing should be her decision and so I will see if I hear anything else.
Was this hard? Yes. It was the hardest thing I did in my life, but one of the best things I did, too.
Is it still hard? Yes. But life is different now looking back.
Do I regret my experience? No, I was able to make something good out of something that wasn’t and I was able to bring a beautiful daughter of God into the world for someone who couldn’t do it for themselves.
I learned a lot from my experience and as I fought for her, I learned to fight for myself. I learned that I am important, to the Lord and to myself and that is all that matters! There were still times where Satan tested this new resolve to love myself and there are times when he still does but I am winning more and more.
I learned that I wanted to date a young man who would treat me well and who loved me, and I did. I made myself a list of things I wanted in a husband and when I got married a few years ago, my husband had so many good qualities. He treats me the way I should be treated. Does he know about my past? Yes, but he doesn’t truly understand it. It’s hard for people who haven’t been through something like that to understand. I never gave her to her family because it would be a good decision for me, I only thought of her.
Since this, I have gone to school in the field of those who worked with me and helped me so that I can do the same for someone else.
I don’t have any children yet but I plan on it.
There are always hard times, but things seem to get better. Like a war wound the scab heals and becomes a scar and doesn’t bleed anymore. But also like a war wound, there are good days and bad days. There are days that the old war wound really hurts and I pull out my pictures and letter and cry. There was the time I help my first nephew for the first time and just cried for a little while. I wouldn’t hold babies at all until he came but he helped me heal that wound. But those bad days are getting further apart with a lot more good days in between. There are days when you wouldn’t even notice my war limp and there are days where people look at me and I can tell they are seeing the limp and wondering where it is from. Even people who know what the limp and wound are from still don’t understand. Some of my siblings were angry with me for a long time because I took their niece away. Others have used this to change their lives and do things differently. I even have one sibling that wants to adopt now.
Every story is different and every girl decides her ending differently. For me, I chose to keep my daughter to myself- not a secret but something that I don’t share because she is too personal and others don’t understand.
The last time I took out my pictures and letters there weren’t any tears. There is always sadness but there is hope, too. Hope for her and hope for me. Hope that her life will turn out better with her family than it would with me and hope that she will have a great self-esteem and not get into the problems I did. Hope that I will have my own children and be able to raise them and love them as much as I love her.
“Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you.” A Knights Tale
Saturday, October 23, 2010
death, adoption, love & change.
"Death does not end relationships, it just changes them."
It was my great-grandmothers funeral service today. The priest said the above quote and it really hit me. How true this statement is! It is hard to deal with the death of a loved one no matter what, but this quote put things into a new perspective. When someone leaves this world, the relationship we shared with them doesn't leave with them. Memories will forever be remembered, and the love we shared will never be forgotten. My grandma will always be my grandma. Just because she's not here with me to talk to doesn't mean she's not watching over us. I sat there in the church thinking about this some more and an idea came into my head. Switch a word and the quote reads "Adoption does not end relationships, it just changes them." Cash will always be my son. I will always be his birthmother. Just because we aren't directly in each other's lives doesn't change that fact.
In death, and in adoption, relationships are drastically changed. But they do not just END. The love we feel for someone like a grandmother or child will continue no matter the circumstances. I learnt this first from my own parents, and I will keep learning as I go.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
"Juno"
Going through life as a pregnant teenager was difficult to say the least. Fortunately, I look older than I am so people who didn’t know me didn’t judge. But walking the halls of LCI high school was an interesting experience. I think it was harder for me when people didn’t know. The first day back to school that Monday after I found out was rough. I felt very detached from the world around me, probably because I had so much going through my head. I felt “dirty” for lack of a better word- I was ashamed of what I had done. Curtis didn’t even know yet.. I didn’t want to tell him- at that time, we were at different places in our lives and weren’t exactly on speaking terms. I knew he wasn’t going to react the way I wanted him to. He was your typical 17 year old (and a hockey player at that haha) and he just wasn’t ready or willing to accept the responsibility that I had to. It was extremely difficult to see him in the halls, especially since I had such negative feelings towards him at that point. I felt really alone, and I wish I could’ve turned to him then like I can now. Right now you’re probably thinking wow, that guy needs to shape up! Trust me, he definitely has. It just took him a little while longer to realize what was happening than it did for me. While he was probably really scared too, it was way more in my face than his those first few weeks at school. Luckily I only had two classes, so I would numbly go through the morning and then run home to my mom to cry. I made the mistake of telling people I thought I could trust too soon. I needed to talk to someone other than my parents, and since I couldn’t talk to Curt I looked elsewhere. A secret like mine wont be kept a secret for long and very quickly, word spread and everyone was now giving me attention. No one said anything for a long time- but it was obvious that they knew. People I never talked to started texting me randomly “just to see how I was doing”. I felt like I had more friends just because people wanted to be in on the school gossip. Everyone was nice to me.. Not that they weren’t before, I had lots of friends. But it seemed as though the kids around me were just doing it for their own selfish reasons, not genuinely concerned about me. I knew they would get information from me and then go spread it with the rest of the audience.I kept to myself a lot- but obviously I welcomed the fact that everyone was nice to me. It was way better than getting picked on or anything. And for the most part, everyone treated me with respect and were very kind to me. I never felt like anyone was judging me or being unkind. Once I started showing, that’s when things started to change a little bit, although my friends were still really great around me. At first, I just looked fat. And that was difficult enough for me to accept, because I was normally a tall, slim size 2 haha. Previously, I was a well-known girl in my school, so most people knew me anyways. One time, probably in my 5th month or so, I was standing at my locker and two grade 9s walked by. The one (who I actually knew from awhile ago) said “did you see how fat that girl was?” RIGHT as she walked behind me. They snickered and I turned around and smiled at her. She quickly shut her mouth when she realized who I was. When I walked through the halls, I got stares. But I stared right back, and they would turn away. I didn’t care what anyone thought, there was nothing I could do about it or my situation. I held my head high each and every day I went to that school. The teachers were amazing, I never heard one comment from them and that was really nice. It was almost as though they were pretending I wasn’t pregnant, and in a way I guess I was too. I lived in denial for a very long time, that’s for sure haha. But I embraced it and tried my best not to let it get me down. Of course, I would still go home and cry but I never let on in front of my friends. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together. But on the inside, I was definitely hurting. I went through high school the same as any student would have and graduated with my class, two weeks before I gave birth. It was a really hard thing to accept not being able to have the “perfect dress” I had always dreamed of, but I was still graduating in spite of my situation and that’s what was important to me. I never once considered giving up on my education like previous girls had.
At a grad party
carrying on with my weekend activities!
spending time with friends, meeting new friends
No, it wasn’t the senior year I thought I was going to have but it was memorable that’s for sure! I lived each day preparing myself for the day I would have to say goodbye to the baby I had grown to love so much. I didn’t have a boyfriend to tell me everything was going to be alright, and I didn’t feel like I fit in with my friends anymore because I was thrown into this mature situation where I had bigger things to worry about than what was going on that weekend. As I spent more and more time alone or with my family, I realized that the little things don’t matter. I wish I had placed a greater importance on my family and my inner self during my previous years in high school than I did on friends and my outward appearance. I had always struggled with self-esteem issues up until that point, but feeling like all eyes were on me all the time at school and having to keep my head up throughout everything really gave me the opportunity to become confident. I grew to know myself, and love myself during those 9 pregnant months of grade 12. Many people wondered how I was able to do it, seemingly careless of what was going on around me. And for the most part, that was true. The minute I found out I was pregnant was the minute I stopped living for myself, and started living for my unborn baby. No, I did not care what people thought about me like I used to. All that mattered to me was that I was making a life this baby would be happy to be in and preparing everything for the day I would place him in the arms of a loving family.
"No one ever said it would be easy-
only that it would be worth it."
No, it wasn’t the senior year I thought I was going to have but it was memorable that’s for sure! I lived each day preparing myself for the day I would have to say goodbye to the baby I had grown to love so much. I didn’t have a boyfriend to tell me everything was going to be alright, and I didn’t feel like I fit in with my friends anymore because I was thrown into this mature situation where I had bigger things to worry about than what was going on that weekend. As I spent more and more time alone or with my family, I realized that the little things don’t matter. I wish I had placed a greater importance on my family and my inner self during my previous years in high school than I did on friends and my outward appearance. I had always struggled with self-esteem issues up until that point, but feeling like all eyes were on me all the time at school and having to keep my head up throughout everything really gave me the opportunity to become confident. I grew to know myself, and love myself during those 9 pregnant months of grade 12. Many people wondered how I was able to do it, seemingly careless of what was going on around me. And for the most part, that was true. The minute I found out I was pregnant was the minute I stopped living for myself, and started living for my unborn baby. No, I did not care what people thought about me like I used to. All that mattered to me was that I was making a life this baby would be happy to be in and preparing everything for the day I would place him in the arms of a loving family.
"No one ever said it would be easy-
only that it would be worth it."
Me and Curt at my graduation, May 29th, 2010
Me and Curt before his graduation, June 5th, 2010
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