thanksgiving & an update !

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I sit here reflecting on what I am thankful for. But what do I have that I cannot be thankful for? Truly life has blessed me throughout my 21 years, and I can honestly say have nothing to be ungrateful for. Of course I have my hard days, as everyone does, but in the end I am lucky to have these challenges to help me continually learn as I go. Life is hard. But it is so beautiful at the same time :)

I spent a wonderful weekend back at home with my family, and it was 4 days of non-stop laughter, love, and fun. My best friend had a little girl a month ago, and my sister had a boy 3 days later. Cuddling with these little cuties was therapy for my heart, and I can't even imagine how much love I will have to share with children of my own one day. I look forward to that time down the road, when I am ready.

Well, a few weeks ago I received an amazing update from Cash’s parents, showing me through photos, videos, and words what a darling little man he is growing into.  So this thanksgiving, I am most thankful for the blessing that is my birthson & his family. I can't believe how much he has grown, I am so unbelievably proud of him and how smart he is becoming. He is talking in full sentences, riding a bike, and just being the most adorable little kid my eyes have ever seen. 

My heart is so very full of love and gratitude. Each time I receive these updates, it confirms once more that I made the best decision for him. I can’t imagine what his life would be like had it been any other way. I can feel of the love they have as a family, and they really do provide for him better than I could ever hoped for. My heart is filled with joy when I realize that I was the one who gave him the ability to have this life.

 I am so proud of my decision and I don't care who knows it! 

Cash knows he has 2 moms and 2 dads, who each love him unconditionally. 

What could be better than that? He is happy, and thats what makes me happy.

I am truly blessed.

birthday number three

 Happy Third Birthday, Cash. Even as I type that I still can't believe it has been this long. The memories of those few days we spent together 3 years ago will never leave me. The precise details are starting to slowly fade over time, but the feelings are as real to me today as when I first felt them. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the emotions I felt that day you came into the world. My heart was filled with such LOVE, joy and peace, as I knew that I was making the right choice for you. I feel so blessed to be a part of such an amazing spirits journey here on earth, and lucky that I am able to continue watching you learn and grow in this crazy thing called life. 

I loved you then, and I love you still. Always have, always will.

"Children and Mothers never truly part, bound together by the beating of one another's heart."

- Charlotte Gray

Happy Birthday, baby boy. Loving you today, and for always. 

2 years.

I'm sitting in bed at my parents house, the same bed I woke up in having contractions two years ago. This time, two very short years ago, I was on my way to the hospital with my mom. I had been in earlier that night but they sent me home, with a shot of Demerol so that I was able to relax. After getting me into the delivery room at about midnight, it all became a blur. Little did I know that at 3:59am, I was going to meet the little boy who would turn my world upside down. I wasn't prepared for the emotions I would feel during the next few days.. For those amazing days, he was known to the world as Cash Mackenzie Curtis Sloan. & I was his mom. 

I wouldn't take those days back for anything. I knew that I would have to make the heart-wrenching decision to place him in the arms of someone else, but that didn't keep me from loving him as any mother would. 

The past 2 years since that morning have been the craziest of my life, but I owe all that I have to that little boy. He didn't make the decision to come to this earth, but I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the blessing that he is to my life. What started out as being a trial has definitely impacted my life for the best, and helped shape me into the person I am today.
I couldn't be more grateful for Cash's parents, and their willingness to share his life with me. I feel blessed that over the past 2 years I have continued to play a role in Cash's life. 

Happy Birthday to my blue eyed boy. 
love and miss you always.

I loved you then, & I love you still. 

Always have, & Always will. 

dear cash: mothers day

Dear Cash,
I'm curled up in bed tonight with the same blanket and stuffed frog I gave you the day you were born.. It makes me feel close to you. It's been almost 2 years since I became your birthmom. My second Mother's Day was no easier than the first, but between these tears that roll down my cheeks are smiles because I know you are so happy.

Cash, I hope you gave your mom an extra hug for me today. She sure is an amazing woman. You are so lucky to have her as a mommy. Each time I see you two together I am overcome with joy... she loves you so much, and its easy to see ! She once told me that as she takes care of you, she thinks of me and wonders if I would be happy with the way she is raising you. And Cash, I am. I couldn't imagine a better mother than yours. She loves you and your sister more than anything, and would give the world to you if you asked for it. I know with all my heart that she will help mold you into the perfect man you one day will be.

Although I could never compare to your mom, promise me you will always remember that you have two mothers who love you equally.

Happy Mothers Day, Y. I love you ! 

christmas.

This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life. 

I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs. 

My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well. 

I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day. 

On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after ! 

Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! 

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's. 

I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all. 

"Ultimate Sacrifice" by Madilyn Bailey

This song was written by a girl named Madilyn for her friend who was placing her child for adoption. It is so hard to find a good adoption song, but this is PERFECT. You all know I've been at a loss of words lately... so as usual here is a song that explains it all. How I felt 18 months ago as I was getting ready to place Cash into his mothers arms.

I can give you all the love you want 
But I know that'll never be enough
Because a home is made of more than just well wishing
And there are so many things I can't give to you that you'll be missing
I know that love isn't true unless it's unconditional
So I don't get to chose whether or not to love you 


So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right


I'll break my heart to make yours whole 
Cause it's the only thing I can do
This chance at happiness
Is the only thing that I can give to you
My heart can't ache any more than it does
This is the ultimate sacrifice for love



There's this little piece of me
That you took hold of the moment that you laid eyes on me
I know that struggle here is far from done 
But the memory of you will help me through
The hard days to come
And this grieving has made my heart so weak
Not sure if I'll ever be able to love someone
With the same intensity


So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right

The hardest moment of my entire life. 

October 22

The date was October 22, 2009.

I was sitting on the floor in my friends bathroom with a stick in my hand. I refused to believe it was true, yet I knew it was. I very quickly made a decision that night that changed my life forever.

That was 2 years ago. Today is October 22, 2011.

I had one main reason for making the decision that I did 2 years ago. I was able to witness that reason come true today. The pain and heartache I experienced by placing Cash is all worth it now.

Cash was sealed to his adoptive parents today for time and all eternity. This means he will have the opportunity to live with his family forever in the after-life. This is such a profound thing to LDS members, and the biggest reason of why I decided to place him in an LDS home. As members, we believe that in order to have celestial glory, you must be sealed in the temple, either to your parents or to your spouse. Children who are born to parents who were married or sealed in the temple are automatically part of this covenant. For children who are not born into the covenant, like Cash, but are legally adopted, can be sealed to their parents once the adoption is finalized, therefore receiving the blessings associated with it.

It's sort of hard for me to explain, but short form: it was a really special day for Cash, his parents, and me. 

what makes a mother?

Since Mother's Day last week, I have been thinking a lot about the title "Mother." What really defines someone as a mother? A mother is something more than the result of a biological function.  A mother is a woman who does more and goes farther than a simple physiological process can explain.  There are so many different situations that give a woman this classification. Some women deliver their children to become mothers, and some women become mothers through adoption. Some women are not able to carry their children to term, but are still mothers to those babies who have passed on. Some women are raising other womens children because they cannot take care of them themselves. A mother does not always raise her own child. She may know she can’t provide for it and knows she’s not ready to be a good mother.  She may realize that the best thing for this child is to be raised by a mother who can provide for it and who is ready to raise this new baby. 

I became a mother to Cash the minute he was placed into my arms. Y became a mother to him the minute I placed him into her arms. Each of us care for him the way any mother would. We found out we were going to be mothers at different times, yet the love we felt for him was the same. I know Y would do anything for Cash, as I would. To me, a mother is someone who puts the good of their child above their own good.  They put their own needs aside so that their child can have what he needs.  

"He is mine in a way that will never be hers. Yet, He is hers in a way that will never be mine. Together, we are Motherhood."

"So now you see what makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart

it's the LOVE you had so much of

Right from the very start."

always.

For one so small, you seem so strong.

This bond between us can't be broken,

I will be here...

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on, Now and Forever more

You'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be in my heart, Always.

always & always.

visit #2

HAPPY EARLY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME! 

OH, and HAPPY BIRTHMOTHER'S DAY! 

(just thought I'd throw that in there so people outside of the adoption world would know)

Friday afternoon I got to see my sweet little Cash. We met at LDSFS and had a great visit. Just Y, S, Cash and myself. She wanted to spend some time together, just us moms, for Mother's Day. 

He wouldn't stay away from the water cooler ! Here he is giving me a face before reaching up and pulling the lever. He knew he wasn't supposed to! Such a mischievous little boy.

He loved being spun around with S in the chair, and every time he'd come around he'd give me a little face. This was one of  many different looks ! 

Crawling after his big sister! 

Big Yawns !!

 It was getting close to nap-time, so we had to say our goodbyes.

When Y was putting him in the carseat, Cash just stared at me and smiled. She shut the car door and the last thing I saw was his little face looking back at me. I pictured him thinking "Don't be sad, look how happy I am!" And look how happy that makes me.

I am TRULY grateful for Cash's adoptive parents. The fact that it was her that reached out to me for this visit means the world. They are amazing people, and I am so lucky to have a relationship with them. Y and I talked about many things that "friends" would talk about. I feel so comfortable around her, and she gives good advice. I know she would do anything for me.

We shared words that are very near to my heart, and I don't wish to write them on here because they are so special to me. This woman is such a light in my life, and I look up to her so much. I strive to live my life daily to become more like her, but I know I could never come close. Her love for her children is overwhelming. I found myself just looking at the three of them and being so happy. 

I feel at such peace. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type, but they are tears of joy. 

I have searched for answers for so long, and I have finally received them. 

I know why I went through what I did this past year and a half.

True, it hurt. A lot. It still hurts. It probably always will. 

But you know what ? 

It's. SO. Worth. It.

10 months.

MY LITTLE BUTTERFLY

You were finally here,
My little butterfly.

You were placed in my arms,

And I couldn’t help but cry.

You were so precious so beautiful.

I stared at you with pride.

Your hands so tiny,

Your eyes so bright.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And I knew it would be hard

To say goodbye.

I cried for you at night.

How could I let my

Little butterfly go?

Then I thought of the new world

You will see.

Of the loving parents that will

Take care of thee.

And I felt peace.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And no matter how hard it is,

I must say goodbye.

So, open your wings

And don’t be afraid to fly.

Fly away to a new life.

Where opportunities are

At every door.

And my love around every corner.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

But, quickly you left

To live your new life.

You’ll always be in my heart.

Your memory in my every thought.

Those tiny hands,

And bright eyes.

I will forever love you,

My Little Butterfly. © gina 2000