visit #2

HAPPY EARLY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME! 

OH, and HAPPY BIRTHMOTHER'S DAY! 

(just thought I'd throw that in there so people outside of the adoption world would know)

Friday afternoon I got to see my sweet little Cash. We met at LDSFS and had a great visit. Just Y, S, Cash and myself. She wanted to spend some time together, just us moms, for Mother's Day. 

He wouldn't stay away from the water cooler ! Here he is giving me a face before reaching up and pulling the lever. He knew he wasn't supposed to! Such a mischievous little boy.

He loved being spun around with S in the chair, and every time he'd come around he'd give me a little face. This was one of  many different looks ! 

Crawling after his big sister! 

Big Yawns !!

 It was getting close to nap-time, so we had to say our goodbyes.

When Y was putting him in the carseat, Cash just stared at me and smiled. She shut the car door and the last thing I saw was his little face looking back at me. I pictured him thinking "Don't be sad, look how happy I am!" And look how happy that makes me.

I am TRULY grateful for Cash's adoptive parents. The fact that it was her that reached out to me for this visit means the world. They are amazing people, and I am so lucky to have a relationship with them. Y and I talked about many things that "friends" would talk about. I feel so comfortable around her, and she gives good advice. I know she would do anything for me.

We shared words that are very near to my heart, and I don't wish to write them on here because they are so special to me. This woman is such a light in my life, and I look up to her so much. I strive to live my life daily to become more like her, but I know I could never come close. Her love for her children is overwhelming. I found myself just looking at the three of them and being so happy. 

I feel at such peace. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type, but they are tears of joy. 

I have searched for answers for so long, and I have finally received them. 

I know why I went through what I did this past year and a half.

True, it hurt. A lot. It still hurts. It probably always will. 

But you know what ? 

It's. SO. Worth. It.

huge sigh of relief.

SO HAPPY TODAY. Indescribably happy.

G texted this morning asking me to call her when I had time. I immediately did, hoping that she had the pictures from D&Y for me.. She didn't..

She had even better news ! They have been waiting to send my update package until now because they are headed to my city this weekend to spend Easter with their families... And that's not all!  

I am meeting with Y and Cash next Friday. She wants to spend some "mother" time together with Cash for mothers day. 

I cannot tell you how much relief hearing this gave me. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I couldn't help but cry tears of happiness. 

I am so very grateful for these amazing people in my life. Their willingness to open their lives to me and share special moments together means the world. 

I will admit I got very discouraged when the package was late. But I know they would never let me down :) Just goes to show that you don't always know the reasons behind something, good or bad. I can accept a late update because it means I get to see the real deal in person :) One week! 

I can't wait to hold that little guy in my arms and tell him how much I love him. 

First Visit with Cash !

Well, today was the big day... and what a good day it was. Curtis and I spent the whole afternoon with Cash and his family, and it was perfect. We were very nervous going in, because we didn't really know what to expect. So we walked in the door, and there Cash was being fed by his mom. It was like looking at Curt, so freaky how much they look alike haha. Hes adorable! (if i do say so myself!) I had seen pictures of him throughout the last 6 months, but if I hadn't, I definitely would not have even recognized him. He wasn't the little baby I think of when I think of Cash. I think that is what made our visit easier- to me, Cash will always be my "baby". I associate the feelings of hurt with a baby.. and when I saw him today, he definitely wasn't that anymore. It was so amazing to be there and share some special moments with each other. 

It was almost a sort of "closure"- not in a bad way though. I have had some concerns since placement, because I have been told that he will always know who his "real mom"(me) is.. But when I was with him today, it was obvious that he knows his real mom is Y. If I was holding him and he'd get fussy, all it would take is Y's arms to calm him down. This may sound odd, but that made me feel so good. I am happy that he doesn't recognize me, because that means he wasn't hurting for me. Leaving was the first time I teared up all day, and it was because I was thinking back to 6 months ago, when I last said goodbye. Once I reminded myself that this is not the last time I will see him, and of how happy & loved he is, I was able to keep it together. It wasn't as hard to walk away this time, because I know without a doubt that he is with the family he was meant to be with. They are wonderful, and I couldn't be more happy with the way things turned out.

I am going to keep this short and sweet, and add more tomorrow. I am waiting on some pictures from D&Y, because my camera was being dumb so they are blurry. But here is a little preview! 

Curtis & Cash

look at those eyes.. he got them from his momma!  

 he loves cars.. anything but baby toys! 

 he bounces around like crazy in his jollyjumper! 

Birthmomma & Baby 

Playing  

 look at that face! 

 He's all smiles! 

the beautiful bracelet they gave me :) 

In all, an amazing and perfect day. Seeing Cash was the best Christmas present I could have gotten <3 

6 months.

I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. At times, it doesn't even seem like it actually happened. That 6 months ago I was holding a tiny baby boy, getting ready to say goodbye. People say that things get easier in time, but I disagree. Life goes on and things get busy, but Cash is always in my heart & mind. When I think back to that day, 6 months ago, the pain is as real now as it was then. When I stop to think back to placing him in the arms of his mom, my heart breaks and no matter how hard I try not to cry, I do. Little things remind me of it- the clothes I was wearing, the blanket he was wrapped in, the soother I took from him… movies like “Charlie St. Cloud” ("Everyone has to let go sometime") and “The Last Song” ("Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more.") 

I love that little boy more than words can explain. I think about him all day, everyday. Not a single hour passes by that I don't think of him. Of course, I still cry sometimes when I think about Cash.. But the sad tears are slowly being replaced with happy ones. At first, I was crying because I missed him. I wanted to hold him in my arms again. I wanted to hear his little cooing noises while he slept. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him so he would never forget. I still want those things.. But now I cry because I know he is being taken care of. I know he is loved. I want to tell him I love him- but he already knows.

Curt and I are going to see him tomorrow for the first time in 6 months. I can hardly wait to see how comfortable he is in his home, with his family. I can't wait to hold him and tell him I love him. I can't wait to see how he has grown.. he's no longer the little baby I knew. I won't lie, I am pretty nervous. I don't know what to expect. Saying goodbye once was hard enough, saying goodbye again might be just as tough. Or, it might be easier because I know this isn't goodbye. Its just a simple see-you-later.