christmas.

This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life. 

I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs. 

My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well. 

I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day. 

On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after ! 

Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! 

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's. 

I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all. 

18 months

I can't believe 18 months have passed since I gave birth to my dear boy. So tiny and perfect, he is quickly growing into a handsome little man. A year ago, these milestones would have affected me more than they do now, when the pain was fresher, deeper. While tears still slowly fall down my cheeks as I type tonight, I know that all will be okay. God did not send us here to struggle, he sent us here to learn and to grow. And that is exactly what Cash and I both are doing. 

" Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love "

Happy 18 months of life to my little angel

something perfect.

G just sent me this poem. What could be more perfect for me to read today than this. G read it at our Birthmothers Day Dinner, and just received permission to send it out. Note who the author is... BF's Aunt. Kinda cool huh? Anyways, I really. really. really. needed to read this tonight. I feel comforted now, and hopefully I can get some sleep in before I work in 6 hours. I pray with all my heart that one day Cash will think this about me. 

TO MY MOTHER

You really are my mother.

The time I spent swaddled in the warmth of your womb….

Will always be ours. 

A mother with her child.

You cared for me and nurtured me in such a wondrous way.

It is you that truly gave me life.

I know it was hard for you to let me go

I know because I was there, I heard it all - felt it all

That moment – the moment when….

You made your most difficult decision ever.

Then the time came and the whole world stood still.

We said good-bye.

I know it took all you had….

To do what you knew was the best for me.

God knows your trial and your strength,

He knows of your great sacrifice, as he too gave a child.

I have never forgotten you….

Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile.

I know of your great love for me.

On each anniversary of my birth,

I think of you and offer a silent prayer….

A prayer of thanks for you

My great and courageous mother.

The mother who gave me life.

I know that one day we will meet

And you will take me in your arms.

And I will know you by….

Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile,

Your love.

- Cathy Matkin

10 months.

MY LITTLE BUTTERFLY

You were finally here,
My little butterfly.

You were placed in my arms,

And I couldn’t help but cry.

You were so precious so beautiful.

I stared at you with pride.

Your hands so tiny,

Your eyes so bright.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And I knew it would be hard

To say goodbye.

I cried for you at night.

How could I let my

Little butterfly go?

Then I thought of the new world

You will see.

Of the loving parents that will

Take care of thee.

And I felt peace.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And no matter how hard it is,

I must say goodbye.

So, open your wings

And don’t be afraid to fly.

Fly away to a new life.

Where opportunities are

At every door.

And my love around every corner.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

But, quickly you left

To live your new life.

You’ll always be in my heart.

Your memory in my every thought.

Those tiny hands,

And bright eyes.

I will forever love you,

My Little Butterfly. © gina 2000

Merry Christmas!

                        A Birthmother's Christmas

by Shonna K.

It was the night before Christmas

and all through the world

Birthmothers were praying

for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother

Was trying not to mourn

For this Christmas was the first

Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many

She will feel this great loss

For her child reaps the benefit,

She simply pays the cost

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight

It is officially Christmas morn

The first that he's had

Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Today was Cash's first Christmas, and to be honest- I wasn't necessarily sad all day because of it. Seeing him this week was the best Christmas present I could have received, and it gave me the comfort I needed. I think today would have been an extremely painful Christmas for me if I hadn't seen him and shared in some Christmas memories. Stef posted something interesting on her blog today. (Thats where I stole that poem from too !) It is so true that we mainly think of Christ at Christmas as a little child. This is exactly how I think of Cash. I still thought of him today while we were celebrating. I thought of how much differently things would have been had he been there too. I was sad for awhile when I thought of how he could have been right in there with his cousins opening presents. I know they would absolutely adore him. Brielle will be 2 in February and she just loves babies. She would be all over Cash, trying to take care of him! When I think about how one of those little kids are missing from our family, it does make me really sad. But I know Cash and his sister S had an amazing day today with D&Y, and got so very spoiled. 

I want to make Cash a part of my family traditions each year, so I put an ornament on the tree that says "The first steps a baby takes are into your heart", and it has a print of Cash's feet when we were in the hospital. I gave the same one to D&Y to give to Cash when he is older. I think I am going to give them ornaments every year. She collects them and I think it would be a nice thing for Cash to get when he is older. 

In all, my Christmas was not as emotional as I was expecting it to be. I know that my visit with Cash this week was the reason for that. I know he was being very loved today for his first Christmas, and thats what comforts me.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas, and kept Christ in your heart as you celebrated with your families.

Lots of love!