graduation- friends forever?

It has been exactly one year since I graduated high school. As I watched the Class of 2011 last night, I found myself reminiscing about my own grad night, and it actually made me a little sad.

The night before my grad, I had an emotional breakdown. I was determined not to go to convocation the next morning. I did not want to get up in front my classmates and their families, filling our local WHL hockey arena. It was probably one of the biggest struggles I had while I was pregnant. I was fine walking the halls of school because I was surrounded by people.. not walking alone across a stage, looking especially gigantic in that hideous cap and gown. Grad is supposed to be the best day of a teenagers life, but I was expecting it to be the complete opposite. After thinking about it more and talking with my parents, I finally decided that I needed to go. No one was forcing me, but I needed to show everyone that I wasn't going to back away then. I went to school every day for 9 months, and I couldn't give up now. There was no other option, I had to show everyone (and myself) that I wasn't ashamed. I remember crying myself to sleep that night, dreading the next day. Even tonight it makes me cry to think about how I felt. I woke up the morning of May 29th, telling myself I could do it. And I did. I was one of the last names to be called up to receive my diploma. I waddled up there in my high heels, and shook the hands of my teachers that had been so supportive of me. Each one of them told me how proud they were of me, and that meant a lot. After convocation, everyone started taking pictures with friends, and I just left. I wasn't included in much, and at the time I didn't want to be in any. I just wanted to get out of there and get the day over with. Looking back, I wish I had dressed up and taken pictures. I think I only got this one with Kar and Pa.

This is what I wore to convocation after I handed in my gown.. classy I know.
My best friend Karlee and "Pa", my other father. 

Not at all the dress I would have chosen had I not been
50 pounds heavier, but it worked.

At least I looked the same from my shoulders up!
 Just a little cubby ;) 

I didn't have a grad date, so my best friend Nikki and I went together haha.. She was such a great friend. We walked with two other boys from our graduating class, and that meant a lot to me that they weren't too embarrassed to walk with a hugely pregnant girl. James and Dylan, you'll never know how much I appreciated that. 

I often wonder who I would have gone with had I not been pregnant. All of my friends got asked in really cute ways, and it hurt me a lot not to be included in that. Its something every girl thinks about for years, and its a really exciting topic of conversation in grade 12. I wasn't surprised that no one asked me, but I do envy those who were asked. It would've been fun to match a boy and have him buy me my corsage and take pictures with me. 

I regret not taking pictures at all that day. It wasn't a big deal to me at the time, but looking back I wish I had some good ones. While I don't really want to remember the feelings I had, it would be nice to have more pictures to remember what I looked like, haha.

After the grand march, we had a dance. I danced with my dad very first, and then it was the dance for your "significant other". Well, mine wasn't there so I stood on the sidelines, and watched. The dance carried on for a few hours, and I just sat in the back and ate, haha. I talked with a few friends and it was actually pretty fun, when I didn't think about how much fun it could've been. 

After the dance, I went to Dry Grad. It's a grad put on by parents for those who aren't drinking at Safe Grad. We had it at the UofL, so we went swimming and rock climbing and had the gyms rented out for games and laser tag. It was reaaally late, and I was tired so I didn't do much. My parents were chaperones so I hung out with them a lot and did a few things, but because I was so big I wasn't able to do much other than swim. I always thought I'd have so much more fun than I did. 

Nikki and I giving each other foot massages at Dry Grad.. it was a longggg day!
What a great best friend.

My grad wasn't at all what I had dreamed of it being. It's not one of the happy, important days in my life, and I try not to think about it much. I looked last night at all the seniors, and felt super jealous of them. Oh how I wish things had been different! I remember dancing with Nikki to the song Graduation by Vitamin C and crying. Most of my friends and I have drifted apart, and its really sad. It happens to everyone though I suppose. We've all grown up, and things have changed.

I am extremely proud of myself for graduating high school and not missing a single day, despite my situation. I would have regretted dropping out, or finishing at an outreach program.
I wish things had been different, but they weren't.
I decided my graduation night that my wedding was just going to have to be perfect and everything I had wanted & more. Haha. I guess I'll have to combine my grad and wedding dreams into one day.
I can promise you right now that I wont be 9 months pregnant for my wedding!
I'm making a concious effort now to just forget about grad and look forward to the day I can wear the perfect dress, be with the perfect man, and be HAPPY! THAT will be the happiest day of my life. This whole deal with grad will just be a silly memory.

grad dress dilemma

OK creepers, I need your help. A close friend of mine has a friend who will be pregnant for her grad, and she is wondering if she can wear my dress for her grad. I can understand that because as you can imagine, it is not an easy task to find a maternity grad dress. Especially a modest/maternity/grad dress. I searched endless hours online for one, with no prevail. They just aren't around. (which is a good thing I suppose!) Plus I'm extremely picky. It was probably a good thing I wasn't shopping for my perfect dream grad dress I would have been had I not been huge, because it honestly would have taken months of looking to make me happy. I ended up getting mine in Utah, (surprise, thats where all Mormon girls get their grad and wedding dresses isn't it?) at a small boutique in the mall. It isn't a maternity dress though... Oh no. That would be easier for me to swallow. No, it is a lovely size 2XL. Let me tell you, being a girl who's never worn over a size small in her life, that was a hard tag to see. I was really tired by that time and just didn't care about the superficial things anymore, so I ended up just buying the first one I tried on. I actually fell in love with it, despite it not being what I had always dreamed of.
No girl dreams of being 9 months pregnant for her grad. 

Anyways, long story short- I haven't decided if I am okay with this girl wearing/buying my grad dress. I talked to my mom about it and obviously I will never wear it again, so why not let her have it? I received so many compliments on it, and I should let this friend at least look good while hugely pregnant right? Well, I guess I'm being selfish about it.. I'm attached to the dress. That's why. There is just something about that dress that I don't want to part with. Yet at the same time, I realize that it is so not practical at all to keep a size 2XL purple dress hanging in my closet. I don't know what to do. If you think I should let the girl wear my dress, check "I agree". If you think I should be a hoarder and keep it, check "I disagree". Thanks ! 

food for two.

One of the things I listed that I love is unhealthy food. Well, here is a list of all the things I craved whilst pregnant, and trust me- they are none too healthy. I kept a list in my journal just for fun, so here it is !  

The very first things I craved were Skittles and Grape Juice. I have no idea why, but this craving was huge. And my momma went out and got them for me :) During the first few months I was a bit nauseous (although I didn't get sick once! lucky me!), and I wanted saltine crackers and pickles. All I ever wanted to drink was Lemonade, and didn't realize how hard it was to find at a fast food restaurant! Karlee being the best friend that she is, drove all over trying to get me some Lemonade and we couldnt find any :( so I went through a TON of Country Time lemonade powder and just made it myself.  I ate any and all sour candies like they were going out of style. I was always eating some sort of candy. And anything that was sour I definitely wanted.  One day me and Nikki were sitting in the hallway at school and I got the sudden need for a pepperoni stick. Luckily enough we had some in the vending machine at school! And every once in awhile Nikki would suprise me with one at break (she was an awesome best friend!) I craved yogurt, potatoes and gravy, lemon chicken from the Cheesecake Cafe (which they now have discontinued and I am extremely upset), Chinese Food, movie theatre popcorn and blueberry milkshakes. As you can tell, nothing good for me at all. I was constantly eating- its true that I was eating for two!! I gained almost 50 pounds! Hitting 170 was a sad day for me, even though it wasn't all me, haha. I always thought I would have a 5 pound baby, but after remembering what I was eating the whole time, I'm not suprised he was almost 4 pounds heavier than that!! Here's a picture of my giagantic baby belly, taken the day before I delivered. 

honorable mentionaries

There are many people who helped me an insane amount during my pregnancy and after placement, and definitely deserve a spot on my honorable mentions list. They are those who were "behind the scenes" and that I haven't blogged about, yet still love very much and played huge roles in my life last year.

1. Bobbi- I have always always always loved Bobbi (aka Sister O) and she honestly saved me through so much. I met her years ago on a church camp and we became really close. We used to go for dinner once a month and just talk for hours. I loved our conversations, and she genuinely cared about what I was feeling, which was important to me. I was with her the day before I had Cash, and then she came to see us in the hospital. She gave me a blanket for him that she had made for her baby (who ended up being a girl) and so she was keeping it to give to someone special. I kept that blanket as a reminder of all I've been through and cherish it very much. 

2. Gloria, Lindsay, Cathy, and Michelle- The women I counseled with. All had something to do with LDSFS, and I saw each of them weekly. They made sure I was aware of all the options and that I was making the right decision, for me and for Cash. Without their support and love I don't know what I would have done. They were so easy to talk to, and helped me with anything I needed. I still feel close to all 4, and am so grateful for the roles they played in my life throughout the hard times. I love them all so much! 

3. Guest speakers that I talked to during my pregnancy- Gloria had lots of people come to our classes and talk to us about their stories. We talked to lawyers, single moms, nurses, birthmoms, adoptive parents, women who kept one child and placed another, and couples who placed and then ended up getting married. Their stories were so touching, and helped all of us girls so so much. It was so helpful to talk to people who had been through what I was going through, and get important information from the lawyers and nurses.

4. The people from my church- You'd think being a pregnant 17-year old would turn some heads and get some negative attention, but honestly I had never felt so loved, and accepted as I did during those 9 months. This might all be in my head and maybe I am living in denial, but not once did I ever feel judged or disowned by the people I went to church with. I guess that because I went every week, maybe people were used to seeing me and didn't really think about it after awhile. Whatever the reasoning for it was, I am so grateful for all the people from my ward who supported and loved me no matter what the circumstances were. It just goes to show that we shouldn't judge people for their mistakes, because everyone can change. 

5. This may seem a little odd, but I am going to mention all the people from LCI- Walking the halls of that high school and trying to fit in a desk surrounded by 30 classmates was a little uncomfortable, to say the least. But everyone there made it so much easier, because they accepted me and did not say rude comments. I know how judgmental teenagers can be, I am relieved I did not hear any of that personally. Most acted like I wasn't gaining a pound a day, which was nice. My friends were still my friends, regardless. Teachers were kind to me, and treated me just like any of their other students- which was really important to me and I am thankful for that. I didn't want to be given any special treatment, because that would only draw more attention to myself. They worked with me, and I did my best to blend in to everyone else. (which is difficult when you have a basketball for a belly. on a little side note- ever wondered how overweight people feel, trying to squish into one of those stupid desks with the chairs attached? well let me tell you, it is no easy task. Near the end of school I had to start sitting sideways in my desk because I wouldn't fit anymore :( made a good laugh for all my friends though) 

The list could go on and on, but I think I should end now and just extend a HUGE thank you to everyone else. Your love and support last year is so greatly appreciated, words can't even say how much the little things you did got me through the big things. I love you all!! 

Ashley and Michael

This guest blogger is the other girl from my birthparent class. I'm sure you have all read Hailey's amazing story, and this one from Ashley is just as touching. She had a unique experience, one that happens often and unfortunately gets overlooked in the adoption world. The couple she chose were my #1 choice before I found D&Y, so I always had an interest in her adoption situation. I fully supported her in the difficult decision she ended up making because she knew she was doing what was right for her son. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, and I see that so strongly in her story. In the end, it all worked out perfectly for everyone involved and I am so happy for them. Here is her story: 


"Becoming a mother is in no way an easy change in life. Things change so fast when you find out that you are pregnant. Your thoughts go from being about yourself and what you want in life to " Where is he going to go to school?" " Where are we going to set up our home?"  The change is so fast so unexpected that over night you become a whole new person. You would never have expected to think about diapers or formula, but you find yourself constantly thinking about them. You fear labour and getting fatter. STRETCH MARKS. That is a huge worry for some women. Your boobs litterally are not where they used to be. They seem to have fallen and you need to buy a good support bra to hold them back up or else you look like your grandma with your boobs lower then everyone else. 
  
 My pregnancy was easy, physically. But emotionally was a whole different story. I was very messed up. I was scared and upset. I felt alone and stupid. I would have panic attacks. I was dreading the final stages of pregnancy cause I was so afraid of what would happen after. 

 You see, when I found out I was pregnant I was surprised. It wasn't a "I had only been with the guy a short period of time" or one of those one night stand situations. I had been with my boyfriend for over a year. He was the only guy that I had ever had a sexual relationship with and I loved him. I wanted to get married to him. We liked to be together and we liked similar things.  But in Decemeber some stuff started to go wrong. I was finding myself unhappy all the time. I was angry all the time. I wasnt really angry with my boyfriend, I was angry with myself.  I hated the world and I hated myself. Then on Christmas Day my Grandma died and that sent me over the edge.  

  Normally I take out my journal on these occassions and vent then come back the next day read it and reflect on the situation. That way I am calm and can look back and figure things out. Well I didn't do that this time. This time I went to my mom. And she had some good words to say but it wasn't the right moment for me to hear it. Everything everyone said I tried to do. My mom suggested that if I was so unsure maybe I should look into adoption. So I did. But I went beyond that. I signed up for adoption. I put my name on a paper and signed it saying I was going to put my unborn baby into someone else's home and let them raise him. I commited to it so fast that I didn't really think about it till after. I didn't even discuss it with my boyfriend first. I just did it.  Then that is when the bigger problems started. 

 I had been living with my boyfriend for a couple weeks. Just over a month really. We moved in together because I was pregnant. Things became frustrating for me. He lived with his brother, his cousin, and another guy lived downstairs. Then there was me and living with all those guys I needed to get away. It wasnt home to me. I ended up causing more stress to myself because I had to move out and I had to tell my boyfriend that I was leaving. I still remember every feeling in my body when I told him. He was so sad. The shock in his face still haunts me. I loved him so much yet here I was causing him pain. Then when I told him about adoption, his entire body just slumped over and his tears became heavier and more rapid. I was taking away his son and he had no warning about it. 

 I ended up living in my cousins basement and 95% of the time I was alone. Being alone was not something that should have happened. I should have made myself get out and do things. But I was so sad and so unhappy with myself that I couldnt think about leaving the house. I wanted to disappear. My boyfriend didnt break up with me. He would come visit me and he would spend sometime with me, but I know it was hard for him to do. He wanted to be as involved with the adoption as possible. He wanted an open adoption and he wanted to be able to let our son know that he always loved him. He wanted to be there for him. It hurt to know that he wanted this baby so much and yet I was going to deny him his own family. 

You see, my boyfriend wasn't a bad guy. He was a sweetheart. He was sensitive. He had a very strong work ethic and he had a stable job. He was awesome with money and budgeting. He owned a very family friendly vehicle. He was genuine. He had just bought his own home and was waiting for construction to start. 

We moved on with the adoption. I went to my pregnant mothers class with a few other girls. One was keeping and raising her baby on her own. The other was doing adoption. I was so nervous to be there. I thought that they would all see through me. A 20 year old who could afford to take care of my son, who had the means to do so. Who would have support. Yet here I was. Giving up my baby. I felt like people were going to say I was taking the easy road out. I was too selfish to take care of him. But they would be wrong. Adoption is the hardest, most terrifying experience I have ever had in my entire life and I admire those who follow through and place their child into the arms of a loving family. 

 We found a couple families that we liked and it took three tries before we found the right one. I fell in love with them ASAP. Then when we met it was so perfect. The wife I will call Mrs. H. She was so adorable and she was so excited. She was willing to do an open adoption and wanted us to know that she understood how hard it was for us to let him go. Mr. H was supportive of his wife but I felt like he didnt really want an open adoption. My boyfriend felt the same way. He said that he seemed like he only wanted us to recieve letters and pictures and maybe eventually stop with pictures and letters. We both wanted to be able to visit. To see him grow with our own eyes. To see that he was happy. 

 As time passed I kept pushing my doubts aside and saying I signed that I wanted adoption and I better follow through. I was having problems with family because half said I was being a good mother doing this for him, then the other half said they would not be supportiive of this desicion. I was torn. I was scared. I was alone. I couldnt tell my mother that I wanted to keep him because she was pro adoption. She was very excited for the adoptive family. Yet it felt like my pain meant nothing to her. That I would easily be able to walk away from him and move on with life. I knew he would be my biggest event in my life. I loved him already and I would never stop loving him. My boyfriend was very cautious. He told me that we could support him and that he would be there for everything. But if I went through with the adoption, he never wanted to see me again. I understood but it hurt to hear him say that. I would not only  lose my son but the only man that I had ever loved. 

 I was due July 12 2010. My son came into the world July 15 2010. The last week I was pregnant was the hardest time during my pregnancy. I didn't want him to come. I wanted him to stay inside of me forever. I could keep him safe from heartache, pain, anger and all the cruel things of the world. When I went into labour I called my boyfriend, for what I feared would be the last time. He didnt answer his phone and I dont drive. So I took transit to his house while in labour. Not the funnest experience of my life. 

My labour was fast and quick. I went into early labour at 8 pm on July 14. I started having contractions that were 10 mins to 15 mins apart at 5am. We went to the hospital at 6 just to check if i was dialated yet. Only 1 cm. I went to my house and packed somethings and by 12 my contractions were stronger and closer together. I was having a hard time swallowing so I became dehydrated. The only thing they could give me was ice chips. I tried jello at the hospital but a contraction made me throw-up. By 1pm  I was in the hospital again dialated 6cm. The delivery room is nice and big. And the shower was the best part. It helped so much with my contractions. Although I was being a total wimp. They had to give me an IV cause I was so dehydtrated that pushing would be harder. My boyfriend was awesome. He stayed by my side the entire time and helped me when I was having a contraction. He was scared himself. My mother was in the room and was being very supportive for him. She helped him coach me. She told him to be firm and to be strong. When I started pushing she told him that this would be intense but he needed to stay strong for me and for the baby. She was there the entire time and I am very greatful to her. My boyfriend was amazing. He was so brave. And at one point when our son was crowning he looked down by mistake. He turned his face back to me and he was ash green. It made me laugh. I almost thought he was going to faint. But he stayed strong and coached me. My nurse was the best nurse. She was strict, firm and was not affraid to get in my face to make me concentrate. I was a wimp I must tell you. Morphine was my bestfriend. I refused an epidural. Michael was born at 5:28 pm. I only had to push for 20 mins. He was born 6lbs 10 oz. He was 21 inches long. 

 I don't remember much about after he was born. I was taken to the OR cause I was in bad shape. I had torn so bad inside and outside that they had to put me under to fix it. I missed the first 6 hours of my sons life because I was under anesthetic. I wasn't able to get out of the bed for 36 hours. I could hardly sit up and so i was unable to change his diapers. Feeding him was impossible. I felt like my only chance at being his mother was taken away. I watched his little face and I knew he was mine. We decided to keep him and it tore my heart to pieces when I thought of the adoptive family who wasnt going to take him home. 

  For 5 months I had nightmares and I tortured myself. I hated that I had hurt such an innocent couple. Then at Christmas time I got an amazing gift of relief. The adoptive family had been given a baby, and to make things better it was a fully closed adoption. 

 I love being a mom. I love my son. I love my boyfriend. I love my family and I feel incredibly lucky to have so many people who care about me. My friends at work were so supportive and happy for me. I love them and I cant wait to go back to work and see them all everyday. 

 I admire Dallas and what she did for her son. She is an inspiration to me and I know her son will love her and thank her in the future." 


Love you, Ashley and Michael! 

"Juno"

Going through life as a pregnant teenager was difficult to say the least. Fortunately, I look older than I am so people who didn’t know me didn’t judge. But walking the halls of LCI high school was an interesting experience. I think it was harder for me when people didn’t know. The first day back to school that Monday after I found out was rough. I felt very detached from the world around me, probably because I had so much going through my head. I felt “dirty” for lack of a better word- I was ashamed of what I had done. Curtis didn’t even know yet.. I didn’t want to tell him- at that time, we were at different places in our lives and weren’t exactly on speaking terms. I knew he wasn’t going to react the way I wanted him to. He was your typical 17 year old (and a hockey player at that haha) and he just wasn’t ready or willing to accept the responsibility that I had to. It was extremely difficult to see him in the halls, especially since I had such negative feelings towards him at that point. I felt really alone, and I wish I could’ve turned to him then like I can now. Right now you’re probably thinking wow, that guy needs to shape up! Trust me, he definitely has. It just took him a little while longer to realize what was happening than it did for me. While he was probably really scared too, it was way more in my face than his those first few weeks at school. Luckily I only had two classes, so I would numbly go through the morning and then run home to my mom to cry. I made the mistake of telling people I thought I could trust too soon. I needed to talk to someone other than my parents, and since I couldn’t talk to Curt I looked elsewhere. A secret like mine wont be kept a secret for long and very quickly, word spread and everyone was now giving me attention. No one said anything for a long time- but it was obvious that they knew. People I never talked to started texting me randomly “just to see how I was doing”. I felt like I had more friends just because people wanted to be in on the school gossip. Everyone was nice to me.. Not that they weren’t before, I had lots of friends. But it seemed as though the kids around me were just doing it for their own selfish reasons, not genuinely concerned about me. I knew they would get information from me and then go spread it with the rest of the audience.I kept to myself a lot- but obviously I welcomed the fact that everyone was nice to me. It was way better than getting picked on or anything. And for the most part, everyone treated me with respect and were very kind to me. I never felt like anyone was judging me or being unkind. Once I started showing, that’s when things started to change a little bit, although my friends were still really great around me. At first, I just looked fat. And that was difficult enough for me to accept, because I was normally a tall, slim size 2 haha. Previously, I was a well-known girl in my school, so most people knew me anyways. One time, probably in my 5th month or so, I was standing at my locker and two grade 9s walked by. The one (who I actually knew from awhile ago) said “did you see how fat that girl was?” RIGHT as she walked behind me. They snickered and I turned around and smiled at her. She quickly shut her mouth when she realized who I was. When I walked through the halls, I got stares. But I stared right back, and they would turn away. I didn’t care what anyone thought, there was nothing I could do about it or my situation. I held my head high each and every day I went to that school. The teachers were amazing, I never heard one comment from them and that was really nice. It was almost as though they were pretending I wasn’t pregnant, and in a way I guess I was too. I lived in denial for a very long time, that’s for sure haha. But I embraced it and tried my best not to let it get me down. Of course, I would still go home and cry but I never let on in front of my friends. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together. But on the inside, I was definitely hurting. I went through high school the same as any student would have and graduated with my class, two weeks before I gave birth. It was a really hard thing to accept not being able to have the “perfect dress” I had always dreamed of, but I was still graduating in spite of my situation and that’s what was important to me. I never once considered giving up on my education like previous girls had. 

 At a grad party 

carrying on with my weekend activities!

spending time with friends, meeting new friends


No, it wasn’t the senior year I thought I was going to have but it was memorable that’s for sure! I lived each day preparing myself for the day I would have to say goodbye to the baby I had grown to love so much. I didn’t have a boyfriend to tell me everything was going to be alright, and I didn’t feel like I fit in with my friends anymore because I was thrown into this mature situation where I had bigger things to worry about than what was going on that weekend. As I spent more and more time alone or with my family, I realized that the little things don’t matter. I wish I had placed a greater importance on my family and my inner self during my previous years in high school than I did on friends and my outward appearance. I had always struggled with self-esteem issues up until that point, but feeling like all eyes were on me all the time at school and having to keep my head up throughout everything really gave me the opportunity to become confident. I grew to know myself, and love myself during those 9 pregnant months of grade 12. Many people wondered how I was able to do it, seemingly careless of what was going on around me. And for the most part, that was true. The minute I found out I was pregnant was the minute I stopped living for myself, and started living for my unborn baby. No, I did not care what people thought about me like I used to. All that mattered to me was that I was making a life this baby would be happy to be in and preparing everything for the day I would place him in the arms of a loving family. 


 "No one ever said it would be easy- 
only that it would be worth it."

Me and Curt at my graduation, May 29th, 2010

Me and Curt before his graduation, June 5th, 2010