Happy 4th Birthday, Little Man

It seems that time passes by so quickly, and it isn't until Cash's birthday approaches each year that I realize the full extent of that. I cannot believe it has been FOUR years since I had that cute little guy. FOUR years since my life flipped upside down. 

In four years, the pain hasn't left- but it has lessened. 

In the past four years I have made peace with my decision, learned from my mistakes, and realized that I can't hold onto things I have no control over. Things are not ideal, and I wish that I had more involvement in Cash's life than I presently do. But I don't, and I can't be angry about that. 

Whether he is physically a part of my life or not, he is always part of it nonetheless. 

Four years later, I still think of him every day. No amount of time will ever change that.

So as hard as it is, I'm sending all of my love to him today as I always do. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASH. I WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU.

untitled.

WOW. It has been way too long since I last wrote a post! I have 16 drafts sitting here, of which none made it onto my page. None of them seemed good enough for anyone to read. I don't even know what I'm going to write here tonight either, but I felt like its about time I wrote something. 

I've spent the last 2 hours looking through old blog posts from the past 2 years (crazy to think I started this that long ago) - and thinking about how much has changed since then. 

I was a mess back then. And still now, when I read my words, I become a mess again. I have been incredibly busy since my last post, with a crazy work life and working on my bachelors degree, and unfortunately I haven't spent much time to think about how I am feeling. I still think about Cash every single day, but the sad tears I used to shed are beginning to be replaced with smiles. 

Honestly, sometimes I can't even believe I went through what I did. I'm proud of myself. I don't think I have ever said that to anyone, but I am. It doesn't even seem real that I was pregnant, let alone in highschool and gave birth when I was a teenager. It actually is so crazy. Obviously I know I did, but it seems like just a far off memory by now. So much changes in 3 years!  

When I think back to the "dark" days when I started this blog, my heart absolutely breaks apart. I felt so much pain and sorrow that first year after I placed Cash. Reading my words and having those memories come back is difficult, but I think that it is good therapy for me too.

I had the opportunity to see Cash and his family twice this year, and I am truly grateful for that. They are amazing people, and I feel blessed to be able to spend time with them. Each time it gets so much easier, and it helps me cope with the pain I still feel from his placement. But like I've said before, seeing Cash isn't hard for me- I absolutely love seeing him grow and learn- it's remembering the feelings I had when we had our first goodbye, and how empty it made me feel, and still makes me feel.

The pain sometimes eases, but I don't believe it will ever truly go away. There's a place in my heart that will always be for that little boy- no matter how old he gets, I will forever think of him as a tiny baby in my arms. I will always cherish the short moments we spent together, with me as his mother. And tonight, I will be traveling back to those days and trying to feel close to him by sleeping with his baby blanket. I haven't faced my feelings for awhile, and tonight I think its time I do.

I don't know if many still read my posts, especially since I have been slacking off this year, but I still want to thank those of you who do for taking the time to read my blog over the past 2 years, even if sometimes I don't have much to say. Writing was exactly what I needed to help me deal with the pain I was going through at an extremely difficult time in my life. I am so grateful for those of you who reached out to me and helped me feel of your love. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you all so very much.

March, 2012

July, 2012

what is birthmothers day?

I found this great article online, and knew I needed to share it with all of you. This has made me feel a thousand times better about the upcoming holiday, and am so grateful for a group of women who recognized the need Birthmoms have. I hope this gives you all a better look at what Mothers Day is like for a Birthmother, and what our thought process is about the whole thing. 

What is Birth Mother's Day?

"Birth Mother's Day is a day to honor and remember the motherhood experience of birth mothers, the women who lost/placed their children in adoption. It is held on the second Saturday in May. Birth Mother's Day was created out of the shared recognition that Mother's Day is one of the most painful days of the year- second only to the birthday of our missing children. 

Most people are simply unaware that for the rest of their lives, many birth mothers feel sorrow, and love, for the children they have lost through adoption. This is partly because there has never been place or a way for birth mothers to tell their stories. Our pain has been made invisible by a society that tells us we can forget. Without permission to grieve by those around us, we have lived in isolation and silence with a great wound upon our hearts and souls. We have lived with the unspeakable sorrow of a mother's loss, a mother who lives separated from her child.

Despite this invisibility, and denial, birth mothers are mothers. We are not egg donors, or baby making machines. We have names and faces, hearts and stories. The process of pregnancy and the act of birth are profound life-changing experiences. 
The birth experience impacts a woman for the rest of her life. Connections of heart, spirit, and biology are forged. Eternal connections are made that cannot be dissolved by ink and paper. When birth is followed by the abrupt loss/separation from one's child, a mother is plunged into the most difficult of human experiences- grief, loss, despair, shame, and failure. This is the traumatic aftermath of an adoption decision for a birth mother. It is with her the rest of her life. 
Some birth mothers ultimately find peace with the adoption decision, but even more live with it as an open wound. It is a wound for which little understanding or help has come from those who advocate, facilitate and profit from adoption

Mother's Day brings a birth mother's feelings and memories rushing forward like the tide. Most of us have endured this annual event in isolation, invisibility, silence and secret grief, acknowledging our motherhood and our absent child only to ourselves. Birth Mother's Day was created to help birth mothers move through this torrent of memory and feeling. It is a way to take back our rightful name of Mother and to celebrate ourselves as birth givers- the ones who give life. It is a way to expand the celebration of Mother's Day to make it inclusive of all the mothers in our communities. It is a day to remember and to celebrate the birth of our children- an experience many of us were denied. In doing this we affirm our connection and feeling for our children. We create a space to tell our stories and become fully human again- with names, faces, voices and compassion for ourselves and our experiences.

Birth Mother's Day is held on the day before Mother's Day.  A separate day allows all of the feelings to be acknowledged, especially those that are painful and rooted in grief. Birth mothers who have had other children expressed feeling torn between the Mother's Day celebrations of the children they are raising and the memory of the child who is absent. A separate day allows for observance and expression of both circumstances.

Our motherhood comes first and makes possible the motherhood of another woman- the adoptive mother. If we had not given birth, there would be no child for the adoptive mother (and father) to parent. Observing Birth Mother's Day on the Saturday prior to Mother's day symbolically represents this reality. Adopted children have two mothers. Our shared child links us one to one another. The intention is not to detract from those who are parenting our children, but to make this annual observance inclusive of all the mothers in the lives of our children and our communities. Observing Birth Mother's Day could also create a time for families of adopted children to talk openly about birth families and the ways we are all connected to one another through our children.

Mother's Day was originally founded by Julia Ward Howe, as a day for peace, in which the mothers of the world would commit themselves to peace by not allowing their children to kill another mother's child in war. This commitment was based on the shared understanding of a mother's love and the terrible grief of losing a child. In recognizing the love and the sorrow of birth mothers, Birth Mother's Day can be seen as an act of peace-making and healing. It stands in contrast to an adoption system that has been built upon the destruction of the birth family relationship, destruction with consequences for the adoptive family as well. Truth cannot be whole without all its parts. People cannot be whole without all the people who love them. 

christmas.

This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life. 

I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs. 

My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well. 

I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day. 

On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after ! 

Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! 

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's. 

I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all. 

sharp knife of a short life

I had been reading a lot lately about mothers who lost their children. And I realized something that I hadn't really thought of before. I have said in other posts that giving a child up for adoption is like having a loved one pass away. But I am officially taking that statement back as of this moment.

I have a small idea of what losing a child feels like. But I realize now the pain really can't compare. My heart breaks for these women.. one, who's daughter was a stillborn, another who's premature twins died shortly after birth, and a single mom who made the heartbreaking decision to take her 18 month old off of life support. I cannot even fathom the emotions they were feeling, and are still going through. I have said that I lost a child. But I still have contact with him, and know he is being taken care of. These other mothers have trouble finding comfort in their pain, when there is only memories to hold on to. 

Just goes to show there are always people going through something harder that we are. 

Early Thursday morning of this week, 4 more mothers lost their children too early. All are grieving the loss of their son or daughter, and another is grieving for all 4 lives. I know that most of my followers are not from the small Southern Alberta city I come from, but the event that occurred this horrible night has grown into a national story, so I am sure most of you know about it by now. Hearing the news of these deaths really hit me when I first heard the names early Thursday, I didn't know them personally, but we had many mutual friends and I felt so sad for my childhood friend who was dating one of the boys that was killed. I had an immediate feeling of shock I felt when I heard the other name... I didn't believe it, and I still don't want to. My memories of Derek Jensen are completely different than the memories the world holds of him now. My heart aches for his family and the emotions they must be enduring right now. Words cannot describe how anyone involved with this tragedy is feeling, nor should we try to. May we remember these young lives the way we knew them here, and wait for our questions to be answered when we see them again.

Rest in Peace, Derek Jensen - Mitch Maclean - Tanner Craswell - Tabitha Stepple
<3

just a blah day.

It's been a long time since I've made a post like this. I've been able to hold myself together pretty well, without many sad days. With each passing day, the pain gets more bearable. Every day still has heartache, but I learn how to cope when thoughts come into my mind... but that doesn't mean that it ever is fully erased from my mind, either. Little things trigger the hurt- tonight, I was reading a post my friend made on her boyfriends wall, who passed away 3 months ago in a car accident. Of course nothing was said about adoption, but whenever I read about other people's pain, it only brings back my own. 

I miss him purely for my own selfish reasons. I'm very lonely living away from home, and I wish with all my heart that I could just have him here with me. To smile up at me when I'm sad, to give me cuddles in the mornings, to know someone loves me unconditionally. All these things I picture him doing with his real mom, and sometimes I just wish I was her. I know I gave up the chance to do all these things, but that doesn't mean sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't. 

I guess I'm just rambling on and don't really have a point for this... I've been struggling with finding the words for posts these past few months. I feel like my mind has just shut off and is refusing to put my feelings into words. Blah. Hopefully have some real posts coming for you all soon.

i'm back.

Well, I'm back in the blogging world. For how long, I don't know. I haven't decided what my mind and heart will allow me to do. But I do know that this post needs to be shared, because it has been weighing on my mind and I need to let it out...

My sister had her baby yesterday. A beautiful, 8 pound 12  ounce, 21 and a half inches long baby boy. Everyone is so happy for them! My dad is over the moon- and I don't blame him!

But Ah. That's where the hurt started. 

I thought I was okay. And I WAS ! 

My arms wanted to hold him so badly. I told my mom I got first dibs on the new baby. And I did- but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. It only made me miss holding my own baby. Being in the same hospital, seeing those white blankets. Reminiscing and comparing my own labor experience to my sisters. Remembering what it felt like to sit in that bed and hold something so perfect.

I envy her. She gets to take him home. She has a husband and family who supports her. She gets phone calls from family saying how excited and happy they are for her.  She gets to cuddle with her baby whenever she wants, and make sure he knows how much she loves him. 

I walked out of that same hospital alone just over a year ago, carrying nothing but material memories of him, and the heaviness of my heart. No one was excited or happy for me, only hurt. I don't get to cuddle him whenever I want, or make sure he knows I love him. I have no control over that.

I made the decision to let all of that go, and I am owning that decision. I don't regret it.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

I LOVE my new little nephew. I will never hold a grudge against him or anything like that. Its just hard for me to be in a hospital room and see a new baby. I know I'll get over it eventually. One day I'll have the opportunity to take my own precious one home. And what a great day that will be. 

Saying Hello to Cash, June 18th 2010

Saying Hello to Cooper, July 6th 2011

PS. I got to see Cash quick on Canada Day. I was in the parade in the town where I work and they were watching because Y is from there. I knew they would be there, but I didn't think I would see them. Y called my name out and I went over to say hi. She told me how beautiful I looked. Cash looked big and definitely not like a baby anymore. I chatted for all of 10 seconds and had to go because my float was way down the road. I wish I had asked to see them after but I didn't. I don't like stepping on any toes. It was just nice to say hello. I love that family so much.

happy birthday, baby boy.

Cash's first birthday has come and gone. 

I treated it as another day- I worked and then went out with my parents and brother and sister-in-law for dinner to celebrate. I tried not to think about it. As soon as everyone left, I couldn't help but think about it.

My heart is absolutely breaking right now to think about it.

This time last year, I was looking at the most perfect child I had ever seen. You lay there, sleeping peacefully in my arms... I thought to myself, "How am I ever going to let you go? I love you too much to." 

I prayed for the strength to remember my reasons. My questions quickly changed to "How could I ever give you less than the best? I love you too much not to." 

Cash, the day you were born, exactly one year ago, I looked into your big beautiful eyes and I promised I would never stop loving you. Bittersweet tears rolled down my cheeks and onto yours, and I prayed that one day you would understand.

Tonight, I'm praying that one day MY heart will understand.

I feel an an emptiness that nothing, and no one but my little boy could ever fill. 

no words.

I have so many things that I want to write about, yet somehow I can't find the words to. 

I have felt so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life lately, and each night I stare at this blinking curser, trying to find a way to type what I need to. I know I need to get it all out, I've found it's the best way for me to deal with everything. But how?

Point Form:

1. I didn't think Mother's Day would be hard on me, but I'm starting to get more upset each day that it draws closer. I'm spending Sunday with my family, and I've realized its going to be really hard on me. We're celebrating all the mother's in my life... my grandma, mom, and my sisters.. and I'll just be sitting there. No one will even think about me on mother's day, because I'm not really a "mom". It's hard for me to be excited for my family, when I want so badly to be included too. It's a really hard feeling to explain, and I wish they would understand. Y wrote me a letter to open on Mother's Day, so I'm excited to open that, but dreading the day itself. This must be how all birthmom's feel, and for lack of a better word- it SUCKS.

2. I went to an amazing dinner last night that G put on for all the birthmothers she has worked with at LDSFS. I will elaborate on that later, when I'm not feeling grumpy because it was a really special evening. 

3. Last week I got together with Ashley and Megan, and we just talked and talked and talked. It was so nice to be together again. We are each so different, yet share the same experiences. We are SO excited to be working more on Birthmother Appreciation! More to come on that, too. 

4. You all know how much I love music and quotes. So instead of telling you how I feel and sharing my entire personal life with the BF, here's a video that explains exactly what has been going on. 

In all, kinda been feeling pretty crappy lately. I try to stay positive and upbeat on here, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't usually like that. But I guess life can't always be the way we want it, right? I know it'll all be okay in the end. And like I always say, a few tears and heartache isn't always bad. Still forcing a smile on my face, even when it's hard.

dreams.

I had a bad dream last night. I don't recall what the dream initially started out as, but the main idea was this: I got shot in the heart. Don't laugh, it was serious! I was trying to be protected by a group of people, but the bullet still hit me. It was almost as if I could even feel the pain of it though. My mom was trying to save me, but I woke up before I knew what happened. I looked it up online, and was interested to know what the meaning of it could be. I don't necessarily believe in all that stuff, but sometimes it makes sense. These are the different interpretations I got for my dream, and what I took out of it.


Being shot in the heart symbolizes that you have been deeply hurt emotionally, mentally or spiritually. You may dream these kinds of dreams a lot because some event, relationship or person is causing you pain. - It was interesting to me that I had this dream after writing my last blog post, in which I was very upset. I believe the event of Cash's adoption becoming final was the event that was haunting me in my dream.. I went to sleep crying and holding Cash's blanket and frog. I know I have been deeply hurt emotionally. It literally hurts my heart when I think about it. The fact that there was a group of people trying to protect me symbolizes all those who were standing there by me throughout the difficult days and trying to make my pain easier. My mother was trying to save me in my dream, just like she does every day. She does not want me to hurt, and I can tell she wishes she could have "saved" me from all I went through.  


To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you need to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person. - This is also true. Even though I have put the past behind me, I am still not proud of the fact that I became pregnant at 17. I strive daily to become a better person, and start over. 


I just thought it was interesting how much symbolism there actually is in dreams, and it got me wondering if maybe there really is something more to them than we believe. We'll see what's on my mind tonight I suppose.  Hope your dreams are better than mine were!  

he's not mine.

I got served the Court papers today. This means Cash's adoption is almost finalized. I've known this day was coming. He is already 8 months, I am surprised it didn't happen sooner. I thought I was ready.. but I guess there was no way I could prepare myself for something I hadn't been through before. I's a hard thing to swallow. Really hard. When Curtis asked me what it was that made me cry the most, I couldn't get any words out. The emotions are there, but the words aren't. Sometimes you just can't put into words what you are feeling. There is a sincere amount of happiness for D&Y, and knowing Cash is being well taken care of. However, in a way I feel a sense of loss and pain amongst the joy. Almost as if this is the end of something. But the end to what? I wish I knew what to say. Any day now, Cash's birth certificate will be permanently changed. No longer will he have the name I gave him, or the piece of paper saying I was the one who gave birth to him. Any day now, D&Y could potentially delete me from their lives forever. Now that the papers are approved, what do they need me for? These are all the thoughts running through my head that have been making the tears fall down my cheeks all day. Nothing is different today than it was yesterday. And yet at the same time, everything is. The second I looked at that stack of papers and saw his "new" name, it hit me like a train. Any day now, it could be as though I never existed. I am hanging onto the belief that D&Y will continue to honor our agreement and keep me involved in Cash's life. They are amazing people, and I know they would never want to disappoint me or hurt me in any way. But there is always the possibility that they will change their minds, now that they don't need me for anything else. I signed my rights over 8 months ago. There was a copy of the relinquishment papers in the court order, and when I saw it I rewound in time. June 19th. Sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward, with Curt next to me and our lawyer stating the terms. Using everything I had left in me to sign my name on the line to pass my rights over to D&Y. Tears streaming down my face while I struggled to write. Longing to get out of that room and hold my baby while I still could. Feeling like my heart was going to explode with the pain I was experiencing. I pushed all of those memories out of my head for so long, and seeing those papers again today made the pain come rushing back. I haven't even blogged about those days yet, because I try everyday not to think about it. These new court papers remind me of what the relinquishment papers proved 8 months ago. He's not mine. He never has been. And admitting that hurts a lot. I filled out his birth certificate the day he was born, as if he was a child that belonged to me. I gave him a full name, and Curtis and I are his parents on that birth certificate. That gave me a sense of attachment to him. For the past 8 months he has had the name I gave him, with my last name as his. Now, he has an entirely new name. It kills me. I know D&Y are his parents, I chose them to be a year ago, and I knew what I was doing when I placed Cash into her arms. I have not, and will not ever regret the decision I made to do so. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Reading these papers made everything real once again. Signing my rights over, placing Cash with them, leaving the hospital alone, and now this. All of these events are the inevitable milestones that reaffirm the fact that he is not my son anymore. This is just one more thing I have to stay strong through and remind myself why I put myself through this. I love that little boy more than anything on this earth, no matter what the name on his birth certificate says. No he's not mine, but I still love him as if he were. 

mistakes becoming miracles.

This might be a little confusing, but I had a lot of thoughts on my mind. And although what I say in this post relates to my past, it is also for everyone who’s ever made a mistake. For everyone who’s been angry with someone over something they’ve done. Or maybe someone who’s angry with themselves for hurting someone else. Whatever it is in your life you are struggling with, I hope this post can help you see the bright side of it.

My mom commented on a previous post of mine, "If we can learn from our [mistakes and] experiences, they aren't mistakes at all." How true this is! Never let a decision from the past ruin your life, but take a lesson from the past to start a new life and make your future the best you can. It doesn’t matter who you are- every person on this earth has made a mistake at some point in their life. And if you think you haven’t- well there’s your mistake right there. Everybody has a past.  But why let your past define you? It’s what you do in your future that counts.

When something bad happens, you have three choices: you can let it destroy you, define you, or strengthen you.

I have found that when some people go through a less than desirable experience, they use it as an excuse. They use it as a crutch to all their other problems, and when something bad happens again, they blame it on the first experience. This is allowing the hurt to destroy and define you. I did NOT want to be remembered just as "the girl who got knocked up" in highschool. I could have let my whole world crash down around me. I could have allowed it to get the best of me, and I could have just given up right there. But after a lot of praying and thinking I realized this- anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart? That’s true strength.

Strength doesn’t come from winning. Strength comes when you lose, and go through struggles.

The strongest people I know aren't physically strong.. The strongest people I know are the ones who were able to pull through seemingly impossible trials in their lives and still manage to smile. They are the women who have buried children, just days old. The women who, against all odds, have overcame cancer. The women who's husbands abandoned them and their families. The women who have been abused, yet are still able to trust. They are the women I admire, and strive every day to be like. I am positive that these women have had multiple times where they felt like throwing their hands up in the air and being done with it all. Everyone goes through their highs and lows, and we all feel useless and upset with our lives at one point or another. We all feel like giving up sometimes.

When you reach the point where you want to give up, look behind and see how far you have already came.

What would be the point of going through hell and back, only to throw it all away when things were looking up? What would be the point of giving up then? Was hiding out in my room going to change the fact that I was pregnant? NO, it wouldn’t! I didn’t want to just give up- I had a new life to take care of, and I wanted to make that baby proud. I had already come so far from where I was- and although it was extremely difficult at times, I decided that no matter what, I was going to keep my head held high. I was going to stay positive.

Our choices rule our destiny. What happened yesterday we cannot change, but what happens now and what will happen tomorrow is always in our hands. Life will happen the way
 we choose it to happen.

People make mistakes, things go wrong, just remember
 life goes on.

We all make mistakes. Everyone on this earth has made mistakes. Recognizing that, and acting on it to make things better is the first step to moving on. I knew I had made a mistake.. I knew I had made many. I directly hurt someone really close to me, and I was hurting my family and everyone else who cared about me. I felt so much shame and hurt for these people I was hurting. It was eating me alive- I felt guilt, sadness, and anger. I felt embarrassed when I was in public, not because I was pregnant, but because of the pain I was causing people I loved. I don't know what did it, but one day I just woke up and realized I had to let that all go. I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I made, so that I could move on. I didn't want to feel this way, because I knew I wouldn't be able to move forward with my life. 

When you dwell on the past, the past dwells on you.

The whole purpose of forgiveness is to allow yourself the permission to move on without the hurt. Often times individuals are more than willing to forgive others- but not so willing to forgive themselves. As human beings, it is our natural tendency to beat ourselves up over things we do wrong, and hardly acknowledge the things we do right. By forgiving yourself of a past transgression or mistake, you are allowing yourself to move forward, and past that negative event in your life. However, forgiving yourself will not cause those feelings to disappear completely. The memory lasts as a reminder not to repeat the mistake, and allow the hurt back in. 

The past can hurt, but you either run from it or learn from it.

“You can’t erase the past, you can’t even change it. 
But that doesn’t mean life doesn’t offer you 
the opportunity to make it right.”

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t erase the fact that I was pregnant. I couldn’t change the fact that I was pregnant. But life handed me the opportunity to choose a great life for my child and make it right. From day one, I knew I couldn’t support a child, and I didn’t want him to suffer because of my mistake. People may disagree, but to me adoption was the way I could make something good out of something bad. I looked at this trial as a blessing for another family- and never as a burden to my own.

It turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes your have to make a big mistake, to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they’re really the only way to find out who you really are.

Trials are Gods way of showing us that he trusts us enough to know that we can get through whatever life is throwing at us.

I had always looked at Cash as being a “gift” of sorts- My Heavenly Father needed to give me a firm smack to smarten up, and someone else needed a child. I definitely believe that if He didn’t think I could handle it, He wouldn’t have trusted me with that big of a thing. It made me feel better knowing I had His help in all I do too. Cash was my wake-up call, and from that moment on I made a conscious effort to change my life around.

“You’ll never leave where you are without first
 deciding where you’d rather be.”

When you set a goal in life, sometimes you always don't have a plan to get there. You just know its something you want to achieve, and will do what it takes to get it. A year ago, I was on a path I didn’t even think about where it was leading to. But when I thought about that baby boy, I realized where I wanted to end up, and I left that life behind. Today, I am on my way to being the kind of person I wish I had always been. I don’t want to sound all self-righteous or anything, so I wont. But I learnt so much through this experience and cocky or not, I know that I am a better person because of it. I am neither proud of nor happy with the girl I used to be.

No smile is more beautiful than one 
that’s smiled through the tears.

Honestly, before last year I hated myself and everything about me. I was never happy, and I was upset with the things I was doing yet didn’t have the confidence to step up for myself and quit it all. But this trial showed me how to love myself, especially when everyone else didn’t. Its odd- but feeling alone didn’t necessarily bother me.. I learnt to be comfortable with my own skin, even if it was 50 pounds heavier!

Every story has an end, but in life every
 end is just a new beginning.

I have this quote at the bottom of my blog for a reason. At one point, almost everything comes to some sort of an end. People pass away, relationships end, friendships are lost… the list goes on and on. But Life doesn’t end when someone dies, break-ups happen so that you can find the right person, and friendships end to make way for new people to come into your life. The same goes for trials and hardships. You can look at a death or break-up as an ending, or you can look at it as a start to something new. The trials we face may seem horrible at the time, but when all is said and done, it is just the start to the next chapter in our lives. Don’t give up and close the book just because things get bad. 
There is always something brighter on the next page, just waiting to be read.

Hailey & David

I started going to a class at LDS Family Services a couple weeks after I found out I was expecting. My social worker was an absolutely amazing support to me throughout those 9 months, and I really, truly, honestly could not have gotten through it together. She encouraged me to look at all the options, even though I was stubbornly looking solely at one. We laugh about it at times- I was so set on adoption that I did not even want to speak on the other two options. Reluctantly, I did consider all of them at one point, and you can read all about that thought process here. I started attending a Birthparent Class around January, 2010. I was a little uneasy about going at first- I wasn’t proud of my story, and I wasn’t looking forward to having to share it with other girls. I didn’t want to be judged. But Gloria assured me that they (obviously) had stories of their own, and that it would be a great opportunity for me to spend time with girls in the same situation as me. I was one of the 3 girls in the class, and we really did learn a lot from each other. We all had our own stories and were taking different roads, but we were all walking towards the same goal. I was due June 17^th. The other boys were due July 15^th, and August 17^th. The three of us were very different- but we shared a similar love and concern for our baby boy’s. I asked each of the girls to share their stories, and here is one of them. I was present throughout most of her journey, and I thought I knew what was going on in her life. But I am amazed at the trials she went through, and yet still managed to put on such a good face. Yes, it is long (haha) but it is so worth reading!!! I cried the entire time I read this, and I hope it touches each of you the way it touched me. She is an amazing girl and mother, and I have learnt so much from her.

When Dallas asked me to write about my desicion process and what brought me to the choice I made in single parenting I was so excited. My high exitement level was brought down a few notches after I allowed my mind to rewind and pause on the past year. It was a little bit painful for me to go back on those memories at first. 

So when I say that I've been 'avoiding writing this' it really is an understatement. But here I am and I know I need to do it so I'll take a big breath and plunge through it all as best as I can - sorry it's so long!

I've always loved talking to girls who find themselves in situations similar to my own and I truely hope this goes on to help others. I know how difficult it is. Every story is different in it's own way but all of them kind of come together, I think, leading us all through this journey together. We can all help each other.

Let's start here

I remember the moment when I knew I would keep him. I was driving home and sitting in the back seat of a car. It was dark outside. It was a quiet voice in my head saying:

"You're going to be his Mom; it'll all be OK".

It's something that's hard to explain because, of course, I'm the one to make the desicion anyways. But I know that if I wasn't ment to be the Mother to raise David that destiny would have taken me there; my Father in Heaven would have led me there (through all of my obstinance haha).

Having this thought in my head was really 'out of no where'. I've had these promptings before in my life but this one didn't make any sence at all. I was getting married. I had been in a relationship with David's Father, Josh, for almost a year and we had been engaged for quite some time when we found out that I was expecting. We were going to be married anyways; of course I was going to be my baby's Mom?

My heart knew something that my mind didn't. I'm not saying I'm a physcic or something ha. I guess I just mean to say that deep down my heart knew something that my mind didn't. I believe it prepared me for the coming days, but you can call it what you will.

Let's back track a little; and just to start off I'll mention this - my story is pretty complex - . I could write the whole thing; every single detail. But that would take ages (and this will probably be a long long long read even with me attempting to shorten it; again, I'm sorry!).

The Boy

My story doesn't really begin with finding out I was pregnant, though. It began when I met a boy (I think that every girl's story starts there ha. it kinda takes two ;).

I met him in another city that I had been visiting with my family. It was love. He stole my heart completely. He was well spoken and so charismatic. Tall, dark, handsome. Amazing body. Yes. Please. His smile warmed up my heart. But don't worry he wasn't a dumbo either. He was interested in politics and his knowledge of the world in general kind of made me feel like a 'bimbo' haha. He was the 'all around athlete' and played (and excelled in) basically every 'manly man' sport you could think of and at the same time managed to keep up honor role grades.

I was. head. over. heals. He told me he loved me early on in the relationship and then shortly after that told me that he knew I was 'the one' and that he wanted to be with me forever. The feeling was mutual 110%. Oh my heavens, love, love, love.

There were a couple of issues (or as my Mom would call them 'red flags') but I continued on blissfully in our seemingly perfect relationship. We traveled all over the place together and laughed almost the whole way and on one perfect sunny day he asked me to marry him.

I said yes, of course.

Monthes passed as we planned our wedding. I was going to have the wedding I had always dreamed of in a Temple close by. I was so happy.... but I couldn't deny the naggy voice in the corner of my mind whispering "Stop. You need to stop".

Allas, I continued on.

Invitations were sent out. Family was notified. It was going to happen.

There were a couple more issues and that naggy voice continued. Fighting was happening more often and I kept on seeing scary glimpses of a completely different side of Josh. He left... multiple times. But he would come back, acting as if nothing had happened and I was just happy that everything went back to normal; complacency isn't something I pride myself in but.. I loved him too much to even think of anything else.

We post poned the wedding.

Finding Out

One of my first encounters with my son was one night when I had been asked to babysit at a friend, Jesse's, house. Josh came along. Jesse and I were standing in her baby's room while Jesse was talking to me about how to put the baby to bed. I had my hand on my stomach and I completely zoned out for a few seconds. The thought "you're going to have a baby" popped into my mind. I was full of love; so much love. Jesse asked if I was alright and I came to and pushed the thought away.

"That's absurd" I thought.

Things continued mostly downhill. Josh would get upset about the smallest things and try and turn my family and friends against me if he felt like they thought he was in the wrong. He left again. I never thought that I didn't want to be with him though.

All the while... I was waiting for a certain something that was, every single day, becoming more and more LATE. I took a test 'just to be sure' and it came back negative so I shrugged off the worry.

Realizing who my real friends were

This is gonna be a long one haha.

A few days later I went to work and while I was working thought that the 'late' thing had finally come. I asked if I could take my fifteen minutes and rushed out of work. I was wrong. Now I was beginning to panic. 

I picked up my phone - light stomach, butterfly feeling and all - and called one of my best friends, Anna. I FINALLY got a hold of her after the millionth time of trying to call her. I had tried calling her a bunch of times before but she was busy with working and saving up; she was leaving to do a year and a half long volunteer program in a few monthes. 

She asked me what was wrong and I said:

"Can you please just guess and I'll say yes or no???"

"... are you pregnant?" she asked.

"I think so..." She amazed me after those moments. 

Anna is my best friend and I love her with my entire being. But sometimes, she does tend to be 'naive' at best; I love her for it and it's one of the things that drew me towards her. She has a peaceful calm about her that can only be wrought through that kind of 'innosence' and belief that life is beautiful. But a side effect of this 'naivete' was that sometimes things over whelmed her. I was nervous that I would be the one supporting her when I called to tell her.

I was completely wrong.

She mumbled something along the lines of "Ohhh Hail..." I could hear her voice shake a little and then she paused for a few seconds, took a deep breath and pushed on. 

"It's going to be Ok, Hail." She said.

I felt so relieved. She continued in a strong voice and I never heard a waiver or shake in her tone again. Her confidence comforted me. She told me of how she had been at Church that Sunday and my Dad (he was, coincidently, up visiting the area that she was living in at the time) had got up to share his testimony with the congregation. She said that she didn't understand why but while he was speaking she kept hearing again and again in her mind:

"Hailey is going to be alright. She'll make it through." 

She didn't understand at the time because I hadn't talked to her about my concerns, but had felt that I needed to hear it. This comforted me. My journey through pregnancy involves my beliefs and religion a great deal; prayer helped me through so much. But at the time that I first found out I was expecting I hadn't been praying. I didn't feel 'worthy' to and when I got on my knees to talk to my Father in Heaven... all I felt was guilt; like I had failed (which I know now was not from Heavenly Father but rather from opposition). Regardless, I hadn't been praying. When Anna told me about her experience it was as if Heavenly Father couldn't get through to me; so he told my best friend who He knew He could rely on telling me. sneaky, sneaky. I know haha.

When I spoke with her later I asked if she really and for truely was Ok. I was suprised she hadn't been more upset. She kind of laughed at me and then said: 

"Oh Hail. I had my cry after I got off the phone, I won't lie to you. But I knew you needed me right then." 

I'm so grateful for that girl and her strength. She is such a blessing to my life always but has been so especially during my journey through pregnancy.

Chloe was another one of those girls who I realized was a 'real' friend. She was there for me, without fail, through all of my heart breaks with Josh. I told her shortly after I had found out for sure. The conversation still makes me laugh now haha.

"I'm pregnant."....."Hail....I don't understand... how did that happen???"... "Ummmmmm well, ya see when a boy and a girl"... "Hailey! I understand that part!"

I thought I was being pretty funny ;). She turned my frown upside down many times <3

I lost friendships when I told some people of my pregnancy. I'd been friends with one girl (let's call her Leah) since I was 13 years old. She considered me a 'sister' and I her. I loved her a lot. After I told her about the pregnancy she stopped talking to me. She's now cut off all communication with me because she feels that I am 'selfish'. I don't mention this girl to throw a 'Hailey Pity Party'. My choices are valid to me and that's all that matters in the end; I won't try and be all emotionless though - it hurt... a lot. I miss her and think of her often. 

After recieving the response from Leah and more down hill progress from Josh... I felt mighty alone.

It's for sure

Through a LOT of denial and after about the 5th pregnancy test AND Dr's confirmation I came to the conclusion that I was DEFINITELY pregnant.

Love; undescribable love. So many times before, I'd heard it; 'There's nothing like a Mother's love'. I never understood it completely untill then. It all hit me pretty hard and I cried. Josh was so happy and so excited; his eyes lit up. I hadn't seen him that happy in a long time. That moment seemed so perfect.

To be completely honest about my feelings, a part of me was excited - scared, terrified, confused, disapointed in myself? Yes - . But we were planning to be married anyways and my heart was set on being with Josh forever. This wasn't so bad? Bad timing, yes. We had gone against our standards and made some mistakes. But we couldn't change that and I will forever refuse to look upon the result of that mistake (a beautiful new life) as a mistake itself. God doesn't make mistakes. People make mistakes. We could continue in our plans for marriage (quicker then previously planned of course). I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. 

From Josh's point of view; he was over the moon at the idea. He agreed that yes, it was terrible timing and yes we'd made a huge mistake but the result of that mistake (I'll repeat again) wasn't a mistake of any sort. Josh had a terrible family life growing up. One of his parents had basically kidnapped him when he was a young boy and, while he gave Josh a good life, he was constantly critisized and emotionally and physically abused. With that being said; he had always dreamed of having his own family one day.

This was going to be Ok. We were going to be Ok.

Telling my Family

I told two of my siblings the night we found out and then the other two a few days after. I won't go into detail on all of their reactions but generally they were concerned for me but also excited for the arrival of a new niece or nephew. 

Telling my Mom was the hardest. I've had siblings before who have had babies out of marriage or in their teenage years. Growing up I had always tried my hardest to make life easier for her and not follow in the footsteps of some of my other siblings. I sincerely believed in and still do believe in the standards my parents had taught me and was so disapointed in myself; a part of me felt as if I had let the whole world down. Seeing disapointment in my parent's eyes... well... to say the least I was NOT looking forward to it. 

She was disapointed and so was my Dad when I told him. But they were both supportive and loving; they never yelled at me or made me feel like I was 'bad'. Looking back on everything and writing about it now reminds me of how truely grateful I should be for the awesome family that I have. Their guidance during the road ahead gave me the strength to make the choices that I knew I needed to make. And for the times when I just really needed to pretend that my heart wasn't completely shattered they were there to make me laugh, reminding me that I would eventually not need to pretend.

Wedding Bells

So. The wedding was going to happen. We told a few close friends about the pregnancy and that we were going to have a small ceremony at the end of the following month. Once we were able to get sealed in the Temple we were going to have a bigger celebration. Close friends of Josh's insisted on paying for the flowers. Josh planned and booked the honey moon. My Mom and I went dress shopping together and I found a beautiful wedding dress (I wasn't a fatty yet haha). I still have that dress. I haven't taken it out and looked at it; kind of like I'm fearful of it.

One day my Mom asked if she could speak with Josh and I privately. She explained to us that one of my sisters was having a difficult time coping with the pregnancy and to try to not retaliate to anything hurtful that she had to say. I understood... but Josh grew angry. He started yelling saying that we shouldn't have to have our excitement diminished by others. He stormed out of the house.

I went to Church feeling completely discouraged and once again - lonely. He posted something on facebook (publicly) about the argument and I saw it from my phone. I retaliated in an angry way and wrote him telling him, basically, to grow up and to please support me instead of me trying to help him through it all.

He called me and I got up and left church. He was screaming at me and breathing in a funny way. I remember sitting in an empty entryway getting more and more scared. I remember thinking: 

"What if he was with me in person right now?" I was terrified.

He eventually just hung up on me. He then called me shortly after and told me to tell one of his friends to go see him and that he was leaving; that I could do it on my own and I would 'never hear his voice again'. I found his friend in the hallway and told him that he needed him.

Josh had left me before; but for some reason (yes, some stupid reason) I thought that he wouldn't leave me again after we found out that I was expecting. I remember feeling dizzy and turning off the hallway, trying to open this gym door so I could cry in peace without everyone staring at me. The door was locked and I kept trying to open it anyways. I burst into tears and cried and cried. It was the first time I'd really actually cried since I found out about the pregnancy. Thinking back I probably looked like a crazy person. 

I pulled it back together and tried my hardest to suck back those tears.

When I went home later that day I got a phone call from one of his room mates telling me that there was a hole in the window; it was shattered everywhere. He was wondering if I knew where Josh was. He was worried and thought someone had broke into the house; but was confused because it was smashed from the inside out. 

I later found out that it was Josh who had smashed the window after he had hung up the phone with me. He called me on his way to wherever he was going and was apolagetic. I was too numb and hurt to hear any of it.

Bad Day

He showed up the next day as if nothing had happened. I couldn't even talk to him. I was too angry.. and so hurt.

I got home from errands in town. He was sounding terible and was talking about being 'depressed' and wanting to 'end it' and pleaded with me to please come over so that we could 'talk about things'. He made me feel guilty and I didn't think that it was good for him to be alone so I dragged my tired self over to his place. 

I sat on the floor of his room and he laid down on his bed. He was irritated that I wouldn't come and 'cuddle' him. I was just too numb. I could hardly look at him. 

He asked if we were still getting married. I danced around it and didn't answer him directly. I told him that I was planning to go away and see Anna for a while. I could tell that this made him angry... but I thought it was completely logical seeing as I wouldn't see her for another year and a half. More importantly, though, I needed to think about my life and the huge choices that I was beginning to realize were creeping up on me.

He asked me how I was getting there. I told him that I would be flying. I don't know what it was about that answer that made him react the way he did; maybe the finality of me going away? 

He said "Goodbye, Hail".

I remember everything after that moment so vividly; sometimes I wish that you could erase certain memories from your mind. He got up off the bed quickley. I was still sitting on the floor with my back against the wall and my knees pulled up to my chest; starring blankly at the ground. I remember the way he sounded as he hurredly ran down the stairs and back up again... and the way the glass clinking against the counter in the hallway bathroom sounded... and the water running... and a bottle shaking; it kind of sounded like a rattle.

I remember the panic that began to form in the pit of my stomach as my mind slowly processed what was happening around me and the way my body froze in fear. 

Then he was there... standing in front of me... with a huge bottle of pills and a glass of water. He was poring them down his throat and starring at me with a look that said:

"Now look what you've made me do".

When you're watching movies you always think that you won't be the retard just sitting there and doing nothing. You know; the moments when the character is just standing there with this stupid awe-struck look on her face instead of DOING something? I always thought I would DO something. I was wrong.

I just sat there... starring. "What is happening right now???"

It was as if my sense of site and my mind hadn't connected; like my mind was rejecting what my eyes were seeing and flashing a big red sign with the word 'OVERLOAD' repetedly.

After a time that took much too long I finally responded:

"Stop! JOSH! Stop!" He continued.

He walked out to go get more water from the sink. I followed him there yelling at him to stop the entire way. He kept poring it into his mouth and getting more water. I tried grabbing it out of his hand but he had too much height on me. He walked into his room again all the while making sure he could keep starring at me with that look. I rushed after him and hit his arm as hard as I could. Little red pills flew all over the hardwood floor. 

He took off down the stairs. I tried to stop him but he wouldn't. I yelled for one of his room mates to come help me. My sister eventually found him riding a bike down a main road and convinced him to go to the hospital only on the terms that I wouldn't be there. 

I remember sitting in the parking lot. My Mom had gone into the hospital because something had gone wrong. I later found out that Josh had overdosed enough to reach more than 30 times the dangerous level of toxicity a body could undergo. 

I sat there alone; I was so relieved to be alone. The silence allowed me a moment to stop pretending that everything was fine; stop pretending that this was just any other day in the life of me. It was snowing outside and late at night. 'Let it be' by the beatles was playing in the cd player. I turned it up loud so no one could hear me crying... and I let myself go. 

I curled up in the passenger seat and sobbed. I remember praying out loud... but it was more like talking to someone who was sitting right there with me. I kept repeating over and over again: 

"My heart hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. Please don't let him die. This is all my fault". 

That night was one I hate to remember. Josh asked for me eventually and I stayed with him through the night. His lips were black from the charcoal that he threw up. Every twenty minutes his body would start convulsing and he would start yelling in pain. The nurses and Drs kept on telling me that he wasn't going to make it through the night and to say goodbye now.

I remember one time, during a particularly bad episode, I was standing by the edge of Josh's hospital bed. He was leaning on me and I was trying to keep him from falling over and on to the floor. Everything went black around me and it became hard to breath. My ears started ringing and I felt like everything was spinning around me. When I become overwhelmed I have panic attacks. This was the worst one I'd ever had and it scared me.

I found a seat and put my head between my knees and tried to focus on breathing. I remember saying a prayer in my head and asking for strength to get through the night. I kept saying over and over in my head: 

"I can't do this. I'm not strong enough for this". 

Then this thought came into my head from out of nowhere 'You can't do this. Not alone; that's why I'll be with you the whole way through'. That experience was one of many that I had as a result of saying my prayers. 

One of the things that I'll put a lot of stress on is this; when finding out that you're single and pregnant, no matter your situation, it is a lonely road. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to stop for a couple of seconds and rely on something other than yourself. For me it was two of my best friends, my family, and mainly my prayers and Father in Heaven. 

That night seemed to last forever. I was terrified and I was lonely. I remember around 3 AM Josh began another episode. I had been laying on the floor; I was so tired. I pulled myself up off the floor and sat with him through it. After he calmed down I curled up back on the floor and I cried. I was losing faith that he would make it through the night. What would I tell my baby when he asked me 'Mom what happened to my Daddy'? How can you explain something like this to a child?

Josh made it through that terrible night and was released the next evening. But through out my pregnancy I considered that question a great deal. What would I tell my baby? How would I explain this? I remember writing Anna about it. She wrote me back and what she said really helped me. She talked to me about how she knew that, when the time came, Heavenly Father would guide me to know the words to say; that I needed to teach him between right and wrong and that Heavenly Father would help him through everything else.

I think that sometimes Birth Moms forget this. We worry and worry and worry about our babies and we should. I believe that it's important to do what's best for your baby and to search for guidance as to what Heavenly Father knows is best for them. But when it comes down to things that you can't completely control like "Will he know that I loved him?" if you choose adoption or "How will I tell him? How will he understand?" in regards to my situation, you have to have faith. Heavenly Father knows what he's doing. He wouldn't set up any of his children for failure. He's promised us that He wouldn't ever ask for us to face anything that we couldn't overcome. It's so important to trust that He's in control and He loves that little life in your tummy just as much as you do (as difficult and scary as it is sometimes).

Bad Week

I thought that after Josh was released from the Hospital things would get better; that the worst part had been that terrible night. But I was, once again, wrong.

The Drs and nurses told us that because of the strain on his liver Josh could die at any moment. He was prescribed an anti deppresent. Some of the side effects included mood swings and sometimes in the first couple days, worsening of the deppresive behaviour. Looking back, I think that he leaned on that and used it as an excuse for bad behaviour.

That few weeks to follow were the most horrible in my entire life. Sometimes I'll see things that will trigger a memory of that week and painful feelings will flood into my heart; the first snow, broken plastic juice jugs (I know, random much lol. there is a story behind that one), closed doors, broken glass.

I won't take a million years to delve into every single story. But one of them was a turning point for me.

He kept on throwing things whenever he got angry. I tried to help him to not grow angry but his outbursts were completely unpredictable. I remember one time I was in my bedroom sitting on the edge of my bed. I was so tired after a long day of his violent mood swings. I felt dead inside. I guess he could read that on the outside too. It made him angry. He kept telling me to look happier; to smile. I didn't respond because I didn't want to make him angry. He picked up a framed picture of us together. It was my favorite one. We had written our favorite quote on it. He smashed his fist through it and glass shattered everywhere.

My parents came downstairs after hearing the breaking glass. They wanted to talk. Granted, they didn't feel good about us getting married. They kept on trying to talk to me. I just sat there, non responsive. I knew if I said anything and made Josh feel cornered then he would retaliate and try and hurt me emotionally. So I said nothing and I tried my hardest to shut myself off; to not feel anything.

It was a big moment for me. Josh had gotten angry and broke things before. But this kind of struck a chord. I felt as if, along with that beautiful picture depicting us in one of our happiest moments, my happiness - and heart, really - was shattered like glass; irreparable. My hopes and dreams looked like they were swirling away down a dark and dreary drain.

I was hopeless. My lack of defending myself matched my body language; I didn't have any fight left. I wanted to go outside and dig a deep dark hole and bury myself inside it.

Haha. I know; so dramatic. But to me it was everything. I wasn't mendable.

One day Josh grew angry with me and after a heated conversation where he threw a pot at the ground and I walked out, he decided that he was leaving. I made up my mind that I was going to be with Anna. I needed to. I booked my flight. He happened to book his flight a few hours before mine was to leave. In a typical 'Josh' fashion he changed his mind shortly after he booked it and decided that he didn't want to leave. He didn't want to get on the plane.

I knew that this never ending circle of him throwing angry fits and deciding to leave, then changing his mind and acting as if nothing had happened would continue. I knew that was no life for a baby; I also knew that Josh couldn't find the help that he needed because of or for me and that he needed to go off and do it on his own. Accepting that was so. hard.

I remember walking away from him at the airport. I remember everything I was wearing (my teeny baby belly peeking out from my sweater). I stuck out my chin and with my big alligator tears I walked away from that boy 'with my head up and my eyes ahead'; and remembered that I had to keep fighting for this little life in my tummy. I had a lot more strength than I thought I had in that moment; and I know that it wasn't all my own.

You might think that I continued with this confidence for the rest of my pregnancy. No. Not at all. I went back to the 'unmendable' phase. Then back to the confidence. Then I got angry (I cry when I'm angry; there was a LOT of crying).

Mostly, though, I was in that unmendable phase. There was one occasion - my lowest point, I think - it has always stuck out in my mind. Josh wouldn't talk to me. I had made him upset about something and he hung up on me. He wouldn't answer; I tried calling so many times. I felt pathetic but I missed him so much and I felt like a fish out of water, flailing around. I felt like I would die! I really did. I was so angry that I had to do this alone. I was so hurt I couldn't even see straight. I didn't think that I would ever get through it.

Now, ladies, if you hit this spot - and plenty of you will - I know it's hard to imagine; but you'll mend. If you take hold of your life and remember every single second that you are in control and that you can make it right; you'll find that deep down happiness again. I truely didn't think I would. I remember lying in bed and staring at the white roof for hours and hours; feeling that crushing heart feeling.

I wish that someone who understood what I was going through had told me that I would make it through. You'll make it through.

I promise; you'll make it through <3.

Kate and Diane; rule it in or rule it out

Kate was one of my 'unsung heroes' in my whole process. We didn't spend a huge chunk of time together as other birth Mom's have told me that they spend with there birth Mom volunteers. But the time that we did have together helped me through so. much.

I knew Diane before I found out I was pregnant. I had seen her for counseling regarding other things. I also knew what this 'birth mom' class ment. My little sister had gone to it the year before. I felt that it was important for me to go so that I could really make informed choices regarding my situation. But I always had my gaurd up about adoption. Don't misunderstand me; I'm tottaly for adoption - completely 100%. Let me explain myself before confusing you further haha. 

Two of my sisters had placed babies. 

One (a much older sister) placed her son when I was much younger. It was difficult - I remember being able to hold him once. I have mental images of my sister laying on our coach in the basement after the placement... sobbing. She just looked... broken. Her son went to an amazing, amazing family. She made the right choice; I know it.

My other sister (who is younger than me) placed her baby about 6 monthes before I found out that I was expecting. This was fresh on my mind. I remembered everything. I remembered watching my baby sister and seeing her pain and wanting with all my heart to just. take it. away. I remembered the first night she came home and snuggeling up with her in her room when she cried and cried "I miss him so much, I just miss him so much". I remembered going into her room to shut off the light when she'd accidentally fallen asleep; she had her son's little photo album tucked under one arm and a teddy bear that his adoptive parents had gotten for her in the other. 

I felt useless; helpless to do anything for her. I knew it wasn't something that I could take away; that she had to do it on her own. 

Once again, though; I know that she made the right choice. Through all that pain is a myriad of happiness. I know that she knows she made the right choice and that's what gets her through it. Seeing him happy with his Mom and Dad gets her through it. I have a testimony that relationships aren't built through blood; they're built through time and love. And Heavenly Father has a plan. for. everyone.

Adoption is such. a beautiful. thing.

But really, coming into this class, I was still grieving from having just watched my sister through the placement and also for the loss of my nephew. So the fact that I was scared of even thinking about the concept of adoption doesn't really suprise me now, but I didn't connect it at the time. I littorally refused to even count it in as an option. I made up my mind that I couldn't put my family through that.

There was that issue... then there was the issue that I was still completely in love with Josh. Letting go takes time; even when it's clear to everyone else around you that something is wrong. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. We'd commited to that. And counting in adoption as an option... well in order to do that I had to let go.

Then I also went through stages where I refused to consider it because my heart was so broken. I wanted to keep my baby and Josh had put me through so much pain that I wasn't going to let his bad choices destroy me by saying goodbye to my baby. I was in pain and that was all that I could see. 

With all this being said - I was terrified. I felt as if I was cornered and a big scary monster was going to appear if I opened my eyes. It was painful to sit through some of the speakers that came to our class; I felt it was important to go anyways to support the other girls that I went with. Looking back, I'm so grateful that I was able to sit through those classes; even the raw ones. Sometimes they were painful but really, the journey through pregnancy isn't a pain-free thing. I think in order to get to those happy healed parts, you have to suffer through the painful parts. They change you. They strengthen you. They mold your core.

Diane was a listening ear. I truely don't know what I would have done without her. She pushed me to consider all of my options. Because really you don't know that something is wrong untill you've really looked at it and evaluated it. This was a difficult task as I usually changed the subject whenever my baby and adoption entered into the same sentence. She supported what I wanted but also steered me towards answering those scary questions that I didn't want to answer. She knew my history and she knew my family's history. 

I remember her once saying "I am sometimes concerned that you are making the choice you are making because you are trying to save your family from anymore pain." I had to dig deep for that question. But it jogged me into remembering that no matter what the result was I. would be. o.k. My family would be ok.

Shortly after Kate asked me to come over to have lunch with her. I was cautious, I won't lie! I knew that she was going to try and talk about adoption and I was still hiding in my corner, covering my eyes. We ate lunch and then we talked. I told her that my choice was single parenting; that I had made up my mind. She asked me the questions that I needed to ask myself; I thought that she would make me angry by persisting but she did it with so much love. I know that she was ment to be there for me during that time; I know that she was inspired to know what to ask me. It was probably a little scary approaching me as I had all my walls up and was ready to launch off at her if she kept persisting. She saved me... and I don't think it was a fearless task.

I had stopped saying my prayers shortly before talking to Kate. I was scared of hearing an answer that I didn't want to hear. I curled up in bed that night feeling so alone. Josh and I were barely talking. Every time we did he would throw a fit because of something I said and threaten to kill himself. I was so angry that I was alone. I made up my mind that I had to do what was best for my baby. I cried and cried. I felt as if I was being selfish and the answer was to place my baby. It was terrifying for me! I never told anyone that I was seriously considering it besides Chloe and Anna; and even then I didn't let it sound like a serious consideration. Anna wrote me back and tried to comfort me, telling me that my Father in Heaven would heal my heart and give me the strength to do whatever was best. Chloe was protective and didn't want my heart to be broken; but I know that she would have supported me no matter what. I'm so blessed to have them in my life.

I went and saw Diane again. I was a big mess. I kept on going around this circle through the different stages of grief concerning my ended relationship with Josh. At this point, he had broke up with me, telling me again that 'I would never hear his voice again'. He wanted to get back together the very next day and pretend nothing had happened. But I couldn't do it. It had happened too many times. But I also couldn't give up hope that there was a future with him. How do you let go? I asked Diane if I could talk to Jaycie, a single Mom who had been a guest to our class before.

Jaycie was wonderful. But more than anything she reminded me of what I already knew. That I needed to, before all else, consider what was best for my baby. That I was strong and I did know what I needed to do. And more importantly; that I needed to search for my answers through prayer.

I went home that night and said my prayers for the first time in a long time. I'm so glad that I finally turned to prayer. I was scared of hearing an answer that I didn't want to hear, like I had many times in the past concerning other things; but this time was different. I decided in my mind that raising David was the right choice and asked in prayer if it was right; I felt good about it. I got another letter from Anna. She talked about how she knew that as David's Mom, Heavenly Father would guide me to teach him the things he needed to be taught to him so that he would succeed and shine in life; he would realize his full potential. 

I said another prayer asking to be able to recieve confirmation that raising David myself, was the right choice. 

I went onto a Church website and watched the featured video. It was on Motherhood; the whole thing was amazing but this part really touched me: 

"And if for whatever reason you are making this effort alone, without your husband by your side, then our prayers will be all the greater for you. Know that, in faith, things will be made right because of you... May I say to Mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are doing terrifically. The very fact that you've been given such a responsability is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. He is blessing you and He will bless you even, no ESPECIALLY, when your days & nights may be the most challenging. RELY on Him."

- Jeffry R. Holland

I knew what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.

(ps I also think that above quote can be applied to adoptive birth moms <3).

Of course I've had to re-evaluate my choice again and again. But in the end, the thing that gets me through it, is the knowledge that I looked at every option; that I considered everything and ruled it in or ruled it out.

Rule it in or rule it out; that's such an important thing to do.

Acceptance

Well... this chapter will be incomplete because I really haven't found a way to completely 'let go' of Josh. I have amazing friends who care about me and who love me enough to tell me what they see. I'm grateful for their honesty; some days it's all that gets me through. 

His attempt at suicide had terrified me. I knew what he was capable of and I don't think that he sincerly ment to, but he had almost died that night. He was apolagetic about it after it happened and said that it had been his fault... but whenever I walked out of the room, he told people that I was the one who made him do it; that it was my fault and I had messed him up. It took me a long, long time to come to terms with the fact that he believed this because he would always lie to my face. It always came back, though. And it broke my heart every single time. 

I remember one time after he had left we were planning for me to go and stay with him for a while. I missed him terribly and wanted to so bad... but I didn't have the money. I emailed him and told him that I couldn't afford it. He sent back something that implied he wanted to kill himself; that he thought I was lying. I tried to remain calm; this had happened many times before when he didn't get his way. He called me about an hour later. He was in tears and sobbing so hard - breathing in that funny way that he does when he gets upset - . He told me that he had just nearly killed himself when his Dad walked in and stopped him. 

I went into shock all over again. He told me that he had had a knife and was going to slit his wrists. I could hear his Dad in the background yelling something terrible about me. After a long conversation and a long while of trying to calm him down I couldn't keep my composure any longer. I quickley told him that I just needed a couple of minutes and that I would call him right back. 

I called Chloe and quickley told her what happened. She talked me through it. And brought me to the conclusion that it wasn't a sincere attempt at his life; rather an attempt to try and manipulate me to do what he wanted. 

Chloe helped me through many panicked moments like this. She was one of my life savers <3. Whether it was just to tell me she loved and cared for me, or to talk me through one of Josh's angry outbursts, she was always there for me in her over-the-top kind and compassionate way. Some people were hurtful and insensitive about the way they told me what they thought I should do. But she was gentle about it and never got upset or frustrated with me when I went in millions of circles, struggeling over the emptiness I felt because of Josh's absence. 

What would I have done without her?

A big step for me

I called Josh one evening and asked him how he planned on supporting David. He lost it. He was two hours away from leaving on his flight to come back home for David's birth. He canceled his flight and told me that he wasn't coming; that this was the last time I would ever hear his voice again. That David 'wasn't his son; he wouldn't even have his last name' and that he 'couldn't be bothered'. He said he wouldn't support him. He hung up on me. I remember texting him and apolagising. After I woke up the next morning I regreted that text. 

I knew that he would change his mind in a few days and decide to come anyways; as if nothing had happened. So... I wrote an email. I asked him not to come. I repeated over and over that I needed to do what was best for my baby and having his angry outbursts nearby shortly before and after David's delivery wasn't what was best. I had let go of the relationship; but I hadn't let go of the idea of him being with me during the delivery - it's kind of wierd looking back on it - but then, I wanted him there. 

I went through that day pretending like it was the same as any other. One of my sisters said something that hurt my feelings and it triggered the tears. I locked myself in my room, turned off the light and curled up in my bed; crying uncontrollably. My Mom had noticed something was wrong when I was upstairs and came to my room and laid down beside me. It was the first time I'd really expressed my anger towards Josh and everything he'd done to me. I kept saying over and over again:

"I'm so angry. I'm so angry at him. Why did he do this to me? I love him so much. I love him so much."

It was painful, but anger is a phase that you have to go through on the road to healing. 

Once again, though, I had someone to be with me through it. If there is anything that I've learned about everything it is this: you don't need to do it alone. 

There were moments when I was seperated from all of my best friends, my significant other, my family; those were the moments I prayed hard. I was always comforted. There was never a moment when I turned in prayer to my Father in Heaven, and He didn't respond to me with comfort. I don't mean to say that He took all the pain away; I don't believe I would have learned anything if I hadn't been able to feel that pain. But I knew there was someone who had been through exactly what I was going through right then; my Savior. Because he suffered for my pains I could get through this too; with His help. 

For all the other moments; there were my friends and family. If you have no one who will support you; then find someone. No one should have to go through something like this alone. It's OK to accept help. Class was so important in my desicion process. It's free. It's not religion based - in fact I don't ever remember religion being brought up once the whole time I spoke with Diane unless I was the one to bring it up. The girls that I went with helped me not feel so 'alone'. 

You don't need to be alone without someone to talk to.

The ending of my Story

Josh did end up coming to David's delivery. He suprised me a few weeks before 'the big day'. It was really difficult for me. He showed up knowing that I had asked him not to come because I felt it would be difficult. He expected a place to stay in my home. I wanted him to take responsability for himself and I couldn't have the scary things that had happened before happen over again.

There was a lot of drama. There was a lot of hard moments. I had my guard up as high as I could put it. I was angry with him for suprising me. I had no time to prepare myself for him being there; to accept the barriers that I needed. I knew that he would be upset if I didn't have him in the delivery room, but a part of me really wanted him there; the idea of not being 'alone' comforted me. I was thinking with my emotions and not with my mind. 

I made it clear that if he thought that the fact that I was not putting him on the birth certificate would be a problem (a choice I made earlier on in the pregnancy), then he shouldn't be there. Even though he had previously told me that he didn't plan on supporting David, he was very angry about this choice. I had found out before hand that it would be best in regards to travelling, school, etc.

Looking back on how things went, there are definitely things that I would change. I was hard on myself for a really long time afterwards; I felt, in some ways, that I had failed. But I came to the conclusion that I did the very best that I could given the circumstances. I didn't put him on the birth certificate. There were frightful consequences to that choice as Josh was hurt because of my choice his Dad, in an attempt to hurt me and tear down family's name, found one of my journals, copied it and sent it to many close friends in a letter. I was humiliated. But that was his choice and I still don't regret mine. I had valid reasons for doing what I did.

Another piece of advice; whatever you do, if you have a valid reason, don't let anyone bully you into changing your mind or stop you from doing the things that you know in your mind are valid for you. 

David's delivery was an amazing thing; but coming home alone (with no baby Daddy) was one of the most difficult experiences ever! Diane had warned me of it but I kind of just brushed it off; why would it be difficult? It was. It was such a grieving process; a process that I go through every single day.

Josh along with the rest of my family, left three days after I had David. After that third day hit I don't think I stopped crying for 24 hours. I drove them to the airport and then drove the two and a half hours home, with no one but little Davie. I was alright physically but emotionally I was a mess. 

I turned on the radio for the drive home so I could distract myself. Davie started crying during the last twenty minutes of the drive and so I started singing to him 'Feels like home' by Chantel Kreviazuk and I just started crying SO hard. I was alone. I could never have prepared myself for that yearning that I felt for David's Father to be there with me. It hurt. But that emptiness smooths over with time. Some days are worse than others but you learn how to cope with that grief.

This is one of my favorite quotes. 

I found it around the beginning of my pregnancy and I adore it. I think that it can be applied to you whatever your choice is. I allowed myself to be a victim for the longest time; granted it was part of my grieving process. I was manipulated and hurt. Remember that no one can make you a victim. By taking responsability you empower yourself. Sometimes it hurts, but, I've found, that it's one of the only ways to happiness.

I'll finish off with the quote. It kind of emobodies my journey through pregnancy and the choices I had to face... how they changed me.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand & changing a soul. 

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning & company doesn't mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts & presents aren't promises. 

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up & your eyes ahead... & you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans & futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. 

So you plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong & that you really do have worth... and with every goodbye,

you learn...