2 years.

I'm sitting in bed at my parents house, the same bed I woke up in having contractions two years ago. This time, two very short years ago, I was on my way to the hospital with my mom. I had been in earlier that night but they sent me home, with a shot of Demerol so that I was able to relax. After getting me into the delivery room at about midnight, it all became a blur. Little did I know that at 3:59am, I was going to meet the little boy who would turn my world upside down. I wasn't prepared for the emotions I would feel during the next few days.. For those amazing days, he was known to the world as Cash Mackenzie Curtis Sloan. & I was his mom. 

I wouldn't take those days back for anything. I knew that I would have to make the heart-wrenching decision to place him in the arms of someone else, but that didn't keep me from loving him as any mother would. 

The past 2 years since that morning have been the craziest of my life, but I owe all that I have to that little boy. He didn't make the decision to come to this earth, but I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the blessing that he is to my life. What started out as being a trial has definitely impacted my life for the best, and helped shape me into the person I am today.
I couldn't be more grateful for Cash's parents, and their willingness to share his life with me. I feel blessed that over the past 2 years I have continued to play a role in Cash's life. 

Happy Birthday to my blue eyed boy. 
love and miss you always.

I loved you then, & I love you still. 

Always have, & Always will. 

"Ultimate Sacrifice" by Madilyn Bailey

This song was written by a girl named Madilyn for her friend who was placing her child for adoption. It is so hard to find a good adoption song, but this is PERFECT. You all know I've been at a loss of words lately... so as usual here is a song that explains it all. How I felt 18 months ago as I was getting ready to place Cash into his mothers arms.

I can give you all the love you want 
But I know that'll never be enough
Because a home is made of more than just well wishing
And there are so many things I can't give to you that you'll be missing
I know that love isn't true unless it's unconditional
So I don't get to chose whether or not to love you 


So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right


I'll break my heart to make yours whole 
Cause it's the only thing I can do
This chance at happiness
Is the only thing that I can give to you
My heart can't ache any more than it does
This is the ultimate sacrifice for love



There's this little piece of me
That you took hold of the moment that you laid eyes on me
I know that struggle here is far from done 
But the memory of you will help me through
The hard days to come
And this grieving has made my heart so weak
Not sure if I'll ever be able to love someone
With the same intensity


So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right

The hardest moment of my entire life. 

he's not mine.

I got served the Court papers today. This means Cash's adoption is almost finalized. I've known this day was coming. He is already 8 months, I am surprised it didn't happen sooner. I thought I was ready.. but I guess there was no way I could prepare myself for something I hadn't been through before. I's a hard thing to swallow. Really hard. When Curtis asked me what it was that made me cry the most, I couldn't get any words out. The emotions are there, but the words aren't. Sometimes you just can't put into words what you are feeling. There is a sincere amount of happiness for D&Y, and knowing Cash is being well taken care of. However, in a way I feel a sense of loss and pain amongst the joy. Almost as if this is the end of something. But the end to what? I wish I knew what to say. Any day now, Cash's birth certificate will be permanently changed. No longer will he have the name I gave him, or the piece of paper saying I was the one who gave birth to him. Any day now, D&Y could potentially delete me from their lives forever. Now that the papers are approved, what do they need me for? These are all the thoughts running through my head that have been making the tears fall down my cheeks all day. Nothing is different today than it was yesterday. And yet at the same time, everything is. The second I looked at that stack of papers and saw his "new" name, it hit me like a train. Any day now, it could be as though I never existed. I am hanging onto the belief that D&Y will continue to honor our agreement and keep me involved in Cash's life. They are amazing people, and I know they would never want to disappoint me or hurt me in any way. But there is always the possibility that they will change their minds, now that they don't need me for anything else. I signed my rights over 8 months ago. There was a copy of the relinquishment papers in the court order, and when I saw it I rewound in time. June 19th. Sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward, with Curt next to me and our lawyer stating the terms. Using everything I had left in me to sign my name on the line to pass my rights over to D&Y. Tears streaming down my face while I struggled to write. Longing to get out of that room and hold my baby while I still could. Feeling like my heart was going to explode with the pain I was experiencing. I pushed all of those memories out of my head for so long, and seeing those papers again today made the pain come rushing back. I haven't even blogged about those days yet, because I try everyday not to think about it. These new court papers remind me of what the relinquishment papers proved 8 months ago. He's not mine. He never has been. And admitting that hurts a lot. I filled out his birth certificate the day he was born, as if he was a child that belonged to me. I gave him a full name, and Curtis and I are his parents on that birth certificate. That gave me a sense of attachment to him. For the past 8 months he has had the name I gave him, with my last name as his. Now, he has an entirely new name. It kills me. I know D&Y are his parents, I chose them to be a year ago, and I knew what I was doing when I placed Cash into her arms. I have not, and will not ever regret the decision I made to do so. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Reading these papers made everything real once again. Signing my rights over, placing Cash with them, leaving the hospital alone, and now this. All of these events are the inevitable milestones that reaffirm the fact that he is not my son anymore. This is just one more thing I have to stay strong through and remind myself why I put myself through this. I love that little boy more than anything on this earth, no matter what the name on his birth certificate says. No he's not mine, but I still love him as if he were. 

8 months.

It seems like yesterday I was holding his tiny hand in mine. It still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about those days I spent with him, and the day I let him go. I don't think the tears will ever stop. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I am able to get through a day now without crying when I think of him, but that doesn't mean the pain isn't still there. I'm healing- slowly. Thinking about him specifically- what he looks like, what he is doing- that doesn't hurt. Its remembering back to what it felt like to hold him for the first time.. and the last time. Placing him into Y's arms and walking out of the room, not looking back. Driving away from the hospital with an empty backseat. Going on with life as though nothing happened. That's where the tears come from. I can't believe all that happened just 8 short months ago. I wish I had found this journal entry I wrote earlier. I found a lot of comfort reading it today, but I had wrote it to Cash on January 18th, 2010. Here it is:

"I feel really blessed today. I don't really know why, nothing special happened ! I just feel like honestly I have nothing to complain about. I could always whine and say how much my life sucks and black blah blah but it really doesn't ! I'm HAPPY. I look at other people's lives and realize how lucky and blessed I truly am. Look at me- I've got an amazing support from family and friends, talents, a good lifestyle, and most importantly- you. I feel so blessed to be a mother, in spite of the circumstances. I was just thinking today, "wow. Heavenly Father has trusted me enough to send one of his children here to me." It's like I finally realized that maybe this was meant to happen. That maybe this was what my role here on Earth was supposed to be. That maybe we all agreed to this before we even came here. I don't know, maybe that sounds silly. But its just a thought. I found this quote and it's what made me stop to think about it all. 

"There are two great days in a person's life. The day we are born, and the day we discover why."

You are my reason for living. I've always struggled with self esteem, and for the first time in my life I feel extremely confident and trusting of myself. I believe in myself. I know that I have made mistakes, but I am doing all I can to make them better. Words cannot describe how much I love you already. For the next 4 months, its me and you against the world! I promise we will get though everything it throws at us. You have given me a strength I didn't know I had. I promise I won't let you down, not now and not ever. I hope you will always be proud to call me your birthmother, as I know I will always be proud of you.  I love you! 

"Lonely was the song I sang, till the day you came. Showing me another way, and all that love can bring." " 

eventful week.

There will be many posts over the next few days as this week marks the anniversary for a lot of important events in my life. The most important events so far actually..  (and i got a new macbook so blogs are easier to post haha :) ) I gave birth to my son 4 months ago today. Its crazy to think that it was that long ago, let alone that it even happened. It all seems like it was just a dream. And then I see the pictures and feel the longing in my heart and I realize it was just 4 short months ago. Usually these days are very difficult for me, but today I am feeling very blessed. Cash changed so many lives, for the better. His father and I would not be the people we are today if it wasn't for him. He caused me to open my eyes and view the world around me in a  completely different light. I love that little boy with all of my heart, and even though he is not with me, I cannot imagine life without him. I owe all of my growth this past year to him. Having a baby at 17 was certainly not planned, nor was it a happy surprise. But this quote basically sums it all up:

"Every life has a purpose and every person is in this world for a reason. Never think of your life or anyone else's life as a mistake, for God doesnt make mistakes, but he certainly forgives ours. " 

I have never thought of Cash as a mistake. He is my gift from God, and I truly believe that. No, he did not come to Earth in the most favorable of circumstances, but he came at the time when I really needed a wake-up call and he was the answer to my prayers. 4 months ago, my life changed even more drastically than it did when I learnt I was pregnant. 4 months ago, I feel in love with a tiny baby boy who showed me what the true meaning of love was. And still, 4 months later, I feel that same love each time I think of him. I don't believe it will ever go away. People say that Cash is not my son and that I need to "move on", but they are wrong. I chose to carry that baby for 9 months and then give birth to him. He is 100% my child, and I will always be his birthmother. (I do not claim to be his "mom" however. The woman raising him and giving him both of our love is his mom.) The love I feel for Cash will be the same yesterday and 20 years from now. No amount of time can erase that from my heart.  Usually I am an emotional wreck on days like today where I am constantly thinking of him, but today I feel at peace with everything. I was able to bring a healthy child into this world to bless the lives of amazing people who have always dreamt of having a son. I was able to give that boy the gift of having two parents who could give him everything he needed and wanted, where I could not. Right now, I do not have anything to be upset over! Yes, I still feel incredible pain over it, but it is not necessarily sad. A big piece of my heart went with that little boy, but knowing he is being well taken care of eases that pain just a little bit. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, and I see that he is. 

Cash was my little angel with no halo, and today I am grateful for the gift he was in my life. 

Other events coming up: 

Wednesday, October 20th marks 4 months to the day I placed Cash with his adoptive parents. It was Father's Day, and was beautiful in spite of its sadness and heartbreak. That day each month is also extremely hard for me, but its another one I hold close to my heart. 

Saturday marks ONE YEAR since I found out I was pregnant. 

HAPPY 4 MONTHS TO MY BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY.