Birthmom Photo A Day- Day 1- About Me

Day 1: ABOUT ME.

Hi! I am assuming by now that you have all followed my blog at some point in the last 4 years, but if this is your first time reading - Welcome !! 

Who am I ? I am a cosmetologist by trade, a third-year Commerce student majoring in Management, and most importantly - I am a birthmother to a darling boy who was born in June of 2010. I started this blog four years ago as I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of placing my child for adoption. I started it for personal reasons because it was an easy way for me to document my experience and rehabilitate myself by writing my feelings out. What started out as a personal journal quickly became a public display for everyone to read.. At first I was a little hesitant, because I was being so vulnerable. I was allowing everyone to be a part of what I was going through, the good and the bad. But I then decided that this blog was a great way for me to shed a little light on what adoption is really like, and why I did what I did. My life has since progressed slowly past this emotional and difficult time, and I am doing wonderful now. Yes, I still have my hard days as every birthparent does, but they are few and far between as they are replaced by happy memories and experiences as I see my birth-son grow up. 

Being a birthmother does not define me- it strengthens me. 

I would not be where I am today if I had not gone through the incredible experience of having a child and placing that child for adoption. I grew so much as an individual during that difficult time, and subsequently for the years after as well. I will go through all of that on a later date, but I would be lying if I said that I was not grateful for this trial in my life and how much I was able to grow because of it. Not a day goes by that I don't think of that little boy, and how much love I have for him. I owe so much to him. I live my life each day with the sole intention of making him proud. 

My name is Dallas, and I am a birthmother.

i AM a mother.

Another Mother's Day has approached, which means another painful time of year for us Birthmoms. But this year feels different to me than previous years before. An account on Instagram has recently started trending #placed- that got me thinking about the terms we use to describe adoption, and why the negative connotation needs to be changed. I am tired of hearing the words "gave up". 

Birth mothers don't "give up" their children- We give them LIFE, we give them LOVE, we give them HOPE, and most importantly; we give them a FAMILY. Birthmothers put the needs of our children above the desires of our hearts, and just as our own mothers do every day of their lives, Birthmom's do what is best for our children, purely because of the pure love we have for them. Birthmother's sacrifice their own happiness, for the well-being of their children. We give a little piece of our heart that can never be replaced. We give another mother the gift she was always missing. We give & give & give & give- but we never GIVE UP. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I became a mother the moment I started carrying a child. I became a mother when I gave birth to a little boy and felt the same love all mothers feel for their children. I switched roles and became a BIRTHMOTHER during that sacred moment when I placed my son into his Mother's arms. No matter how untraditional the route was that brought me there, I AM still a mother. For a fleeting moment I played the active role of one, and now I get to watch my son from the sidelines.

 I am so deeply thankful for my experience, no matter how hard it has been. I am thankful for the beautiful woman who protects a part of my heart she gets to call her own- and that she gives that little boy SO much love. I am thankful that I call myself a birth MOTHER- and that no one can take that away from me.

So yes, there are still streams of tears falling down my cheeks- but they are there to remind me of what I GAVE. And that's what I will be focussing on this Mother's Day. It's still a painful day, but it is a happy day too. Wishing a very Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing women in my life who are mothers, each in our own unique ways. I love you all. 

untitled.

WOW. It has been way too long since I last wrote a post! I have 16 drafts sitting here, of which none made it onto my page. None of them seemed good enough for anyone to read. I don't even know what I'm going to write here tonight either, but I felt like its about time I wrote something. 

I've spent the last 2 hours looking through old blog posts from the past 2 years (crazy to think I started this that long ago) - and thinking about how much has changed since then. 

I was a mess back then. And still now, when I read my words, I become a mess again. I have been incredibly busy since my last post, with a crazy work life and working on my bachelors degree, and unfortunately I haven't spent much time to think about how I am feeling. I still think about Cash every single day, but the sad tears I used to shed are beginning to be replaced with smiles. 

Honestly, sometimes I can't even believe I went through what I did. I'm proud of myself. I don't think I have ever said that to anyone, but I am. It doesn't even seem real that I was pregnant, let alone in highschool and gave birth when I was a teenager. It actually is so crazy. Obviously I know I did, but it seems like just a far off memory by now. So much changes in 3 years!  

When I think back to the "dark" days when I started this blog, my heart absolutely breaks apart. I felt so much pain and sorrow that first year after I placed Cash. Reading my words and having those memories come back is difficult, but I think that it is good therapy for me too.

I had the opportunity to see Cash and his family twice this year, and I am truly grateful for that. They are amazing people, and I feel blessed to be able to spend time with them. Each time it gets so much easier, and it helps me cope with the pain I still feel from his placement. But like I've said before, seeing Cash isn't hard for me- I absolutely love seeing him grow and learn- it's remembering the feelings I had when we had our first goodbye, and how empty it made me feel, and still makes me feel.

The pain sometimes eases, but I don't believe it will ever truly go away. There's a place in my heart that will always be for that little boy- no matter how old he gets, I will forever think of him as a tiny baby in my arms. I will always cherish the short moments we spent together, with me as his mother. And tonight, I will be traveling back to those days and trying to feel close to him by sleeping with his baby blanket. I haven't faced my feelings for awhile, and tonight I think its time I do.

I don't know if many still read my posts, especially since I have been slacking off this year, but I still want to thank those of you who do for taking the time to read my blog over the past 2 years, even if sometimes I don't have much to say. Writing was exactly what I needed to help me deal with the pain I was going through at an extremely difficult time in my life. I am so grateful for those of you who reached out to me and helped me feel of your love. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you all so very much.

March, 2012

July, 2012

dear cash: mothers day

Dear Cash,
I'm curled up in bed tonight with the same blanket and stuffed frog I gave you the day you were born.. It makes me feel close to you. It's been almost 2 years since I became your birthmom. My second Mother's Day was no easier than the first, but between these tears that roll down my cheeks are smiles because I know you are so happy.

Cash, I hope you gave your mom an extra hug for me today. She sure is an amazing woman. You are so lucky to have her as a mommy. Each time I see you two together I am overcome with joy... she loves you so much, and its easy to see ! She once told me that as she takes care of you, she thinks of me and wonders if I would be happy with the way she is raising you. And Cash, I am. I couldn't imagine a better mother than yours. She loves you and your sister more than anything, and would give the world to you if you asked for it. I know with all my heart that she will help mold you into the perfect man you one day will be.

Although I could never compare to your mom, promise me you will always remember that you have two mothers who love you equally.

Happy Mothers Day, Y. I love you ! 

the agape project

This is an amazing video posted by a friend who is an adoptive mother. It touched my heart immensely, as I'm sure it will do the same to you. As Birthmothers Day and Mothers Day approach this weekend, let us remember everyone involved in the beautiful thing we call adoption. 

Agape ; Selfless LOVE of one person for another 

what is birthmothers day?

I found this great article online, and knew I needed to share it with all of you. This has made me feel a thousand times better about the upcoming holiday, and am so grateful for a group of women who recognized the need Birthmoms have. I hope this gives you all a better look at what Mothers Day is like for a Birthmother, and what our thought process is about the whole thing. 

What is Birth Mother's Day?

"Birth Mother's Day is a day to honor and remember the motherhood experience of birth mothers, the women who lost/placed their children in adoption. It is held on the second Saturday in May. Birth Mother's Day was created out of the shared recognition that Mother's Day is one of the most painful days of the year- second only to the birthday of our missing children. 

Most people are simply unaware that for the rest of their lives, many birth mothers feel sorrow, and love, for the children they have lost through adoption. This is partly because there has never been place or a way for birth mothers to tell their stories. Our pain has been made invisible by a society that tells us we can forget. Without permission to grieve by those around us, we have lived in isolation and silence with a great wound upon our hearts and souls. We have lived with the unspeakable sorrow of a mother's loss, a mother who lives separated from her child.

Despite this invisibility, and denial, birth mothers are mothers. We are not egg donors, or baby making machines. We have names and faces, hearts and stories. The process of pregnancy and the act of birth are profound life-changing experiences. 
The birth experience impacts a woman for the rest of her life. Connections of heart, spirit, and biology are forged. Eternal connections are made that cannot be dissolved by ink and paper. When birth is followed by the abrupt loss/separation from one's child, a mother is plunged into the most difficult of human experiences- grief, loss, despair, shame, and failure. This is the traumatic aftermath of an adoption decision for a birth mother. It is with her the rest of her life. 
Some birth mothers ultimately find peace with the adoption decision, but even more live with it as an open wound. It is a wound for which little understanding or help has come from those who advocate, facilitate and profit from adoption

Mother's Day brings a birth mother's feelings and memories rushing forward like the tide. Most of us have endured this annual event in isolation, invisibility, silence and secret grief, acknowledging our motherhood and our absent child only to ourselves. Birth Mother's Day was created to help birth mothers move through this torrent of memory and feeling. It is a way to take back our rightful name of Mother and to celebrate ourselves as birth givers- the ones who give life. It is a way to expand the celebration of Mother's Day to make it inclusive of all the mothers in our communities. It is a day to remember and to celebrate the birth of our children- an experience many of us were denied. In doing this we affirm our connection and feeling for our children. We create a space to tell our stories and become fully human again- with names, faces, voices and compassion for ourselves and our experiences.

Birth Mother's Day is held on the day before Mother's Day.  A separate day allows all of the feelings to be acknowledged, especially those that are painful and rooted in grief. Birth mothers who have had other children expressed feeling torn between the Mother's Day celebrations of the children they are raising and the memory of the child who is absent. A separate day allows for observance and expression of both circumstances.

Our motherhood comes first and makes possible the motherhood of another woman- the adoptive mother. If we had not given birth, there would be no child for the adoptive mother (and father) to parent. Observing Birth Mother's Day on the Saturday prior to Mother's day symbolically represents this reality. Adopted children have two mothers. Our shared child links us one to one another. The intention is not to detract from those who are parenting our children, but to make this annual observance inclusive of all the mothers in the lives of our children and our communities. Observing Birth Mother's Day could also create a time for families of adopted children to talk openly about birth families and the ways we are all connected to one another through our children.

Mother's Day was originally founded by Julia Ward Howe, as a day for peace, in which the mothers of the world would commit themselves to peace by not allowing their children to kill another mother's child in war. This commitment was based on the shared understanding of a mother's love and the terrible grief of losing a child. In recognizing the love and the sorrow of birth mothers, Birth Mother's Day can be seen as an act of peace-making and healing. It stands in contrast to an adoption system that has been built upon the destruction of the birth family relationship, destruction with consequences for the adoptive family as well. Truth cannot be whole without all its parts. People cannot be whole without all the people who love them. 

mothers day; to celebrate, or not to celebrate

I'm having a really hard time with the fact that mothers day is a week away... It seemed to come so fast ! 

Last year mother's day was a really bitter-sweet event, as I'm sure this year will be too. I woke up and had to force myself to get out of bed and put a happy face on.. which I have evidently become very good at doing, ha ha. My own mother was perhaps the only one who acknowledged that this day would be difficult for me, and she got me a small gift that meant a lot. (A charm for my Thomas Sabo bracelet) We went to my sisters for dinner, and on my way there I received a phone call from a really special person, who is serving a mission for my church. I felt Gods hand in my life that day, because that call was exactly what I needed. I continued throughout the day with a smile on my face, celebrating my sisters, mom, and grandma.. while trying my hardest to fight through the real emotions I was feeling. 

As this mother's day approaches, I have the same anxious feeling about it and I already dread having to drag myself out of bed. (But of course, I will.) I feel so much pressure to act like everything is okay and that "mothers day" is just another day to me- but in truth, it is far from. How sad is it that a holiday can bring up so many painful memories! The world does not acknowledge "birthmothers" on "mother's day" and it hurts me to say so. I feel that as birthmothers we are forgotten on this day, when we need some extra love and support. I will be the first to admit that I am not Cash's "mom", and I don't try to be. But I hate pretending to overlook the fact that I was a mother for 9 months. That I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and was his mother for 3 days. 

My question to you is this:  As birthmoms, should we celebrate Mother's Day or not? I've been struggling with the answer to this for 2 years now, and have yet to come to a conclusion. 

So until I decide, in a week's time I will be wishing all my friends and family a Happy Mother's Day, while selfishly hoping someone will be thinking of me, too. 

"Ultimate Sacrifice" by Madilyn Bailey

This song was written by a girl named Madilyn for her friend who was placing her child for adoption. It is so hard to find a good adoption song, but this is PERFECT. You all know I've been at a loss of words lately... so as usual here is a song that explains it all. How I felt 18 months ago as I was getting ready to place Cash into his mothers arms.

I can give you all the love you want 
But I know that'll never be enough
Because a home is made of more than just well wishing
And there are so many things I can't give to you that you'll be missing
I know that love isn't true unless it's unconditional
So I don't get to chose whether or not to love you 


So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right


I'll break my heart to make yours whole 
Cause it's the only thing I can do
This chance at happiness
Is the only thing that I can give to you
My heart can't ache any more than it does
This is the ultimate sacrifice for love



There's this little piece of me
That you took hold of the moment that you laid eyes on me
I know that struggle here is far from done 
But the memory of you will help me through
The hard days to come
And this grieving has made my heart so weak
Not sure if I'll ever be able to love someone
With the same intensity


So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right

The hardest moment of my entire life. 

a rambling thought

I've been reading some blogs from birthparents and adoptive parents and I find myself being somewhat angry with AP's right now. Not angry at D&Y by any means, just in general. (Cash's parents are great with our openness- definitely not saying otherwise here) 


There is a certain BM blog that I follow and we regularly comment on each other's posts.. I don't know this woman at all, but I feel a tender spot in my heart for her. She is part of an open adoption, but it seems to me that she does not have a very good relationship with her daughter's AP's, and that saddens me. She, like most BMs, does not want to step on any toes and make the AP's uncomfortable... but in turn that makes it feel like she is not "allowed" to see her birth daughter. This is causing her to feel a bit of regret that she placed in the first place, because she hasn't yet found that closure that is so easy to achieve when you have open contact.


This is what I think- and correct me if I am possibly just being dramatic- We, as Birth parents, have made it possible for APs to have a family. And in return, some AP's just cut off all ties to BPs because of fear. Fear of what, I don't really know. Now tell me, how can that possibly be fair? True, when a BM places she relinquishes all rights and privileges without any sort of legalities binding the openness agreement, but it was a gift of pure love- and they are left with nothing but a broken heart in return. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I am very passionate over BM rights. To me, refusing contact is what's selfish in this situation. For a BM to think she is not "allowed" to see her child is so sad to me. 


Of course, there is always the other side where a BM does not want contact, but thats an entirely different topic I will touch on later. Also, some AP's cut off contact with their BMs because they feel it is in their child's best interest, and I will not argue with that. I'm talking about AP's who agreed to an open adoption but are not willing to uphold that agreement because of selfish concerns, despite the child's best interest.


All I'm saying is that no BM should ever feel like they are not allowed to know how their child is doing. Adoptions have come a long way in the past few years, and obviously it's for a reason. There is no way I would have placed Cash if I wouldn't be able to see how he is doing. I think it is also super important for an adoptee to know where they came from, and who better else to heart that from but their birth-family? A main point of having an OPEN adoption is so that birthparents can see how their child is doing and continue to have the reassurance they need to know they made the best decision possible. Adoptive parents at least owe that to their children's birth parents, don't you think? 


It's late, and maybe I'm just rambling on, but this is really bothering me. I hope nothing I said was offensive. Comments please! 

something perfect.

G just sent me this poem. What could be more perfect for me to read today than this. G read it at our Birthmothers Day Dinner, and just received permission to send it out. Note who the author is... BF's Aunt. Kinda cool huh? Anyways, I really. really. really. needed to read this tonight. I feel comforted now, and hopefully I can get some sleep in before I work in 6 hours. I pray with all my heart that one day Cash will think this about me. 

TO MY MOTHER

You really are my mother.

The time I spent swaddled in the warmth of your womb….

Will always be ours. 

A mother with her child.

You cared for me and nurtured me in such a wondrous way.

It is you that truly gave me life.

I know it was hard for you to let me go

I know because I was there, I heard it all - felt it all

That moment – the moment when….

You made your most difficult decision ever.

Then the time came and the whole world stood still.

We said good-bye.

I know it took all you had….

To do what you knew was the best for me.

God knows your trial and your strength,

He knows of your great sacrifice, as he too gave a child.

I have never forgotten you….

Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile.

I know of your great love for me.

On each anniversary of my birth,

I think of you and offer a silent prayer….

A prayer of thanks for you

My great and courageous mother.

The mother who gave me life.

I know that one day we will meet

And you will take me in your arms.

And I will know you by….

Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile,

Your love.

- Cathy Matkin

what makes a mother?

Since Mother's Day last week, I have been thinking a lot about the title "Mother." What really defines someone as a mother? A mother is something more than the result of a biological function.  A mother is a woman who does more and goes farther than a simple physiological process can explain.  There are so many different situations that give a woman this classification. Some women deliver their children to become mothers, and some women become mothers through adoption. Some women are not able to carry their children to term, but are still mothers to those babies who have passed on. Some women are raising other womens children because they cannot take care of them themselves. A mother does not always raise her own child. She may know she can’t provide for it and knows she’s not ready to be a good mother.  She may realize that the best thing for this child is to be raised by a mother who can provide for it and who is ready to raise this new baby. 

I became a mother to Cash the minute he was placed into my arms. Y became a mother to him the minute I placed him into her arms. Each of us care for him the way any mother would. We found out we were going to be mothers at different times, yet the love we felt for him was the same. I know Y would do anything for Cash, as I would. To me, a mother is someone who puts the good of their child above their own good.  They put their own needs aside so that their child can have what he needs.  

"He is mine in a way that will never be hers. Yet, He is hers in a way that will never be mine. Together, we are Motherhood."

"So now you see what makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart

it's the LOVE you had so much of

Right from the very start."

no words.

I have so many things that I want to write about, yet somehow I can't find the words to. 

I have felt so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life lately, and each night I stare at this blinking curser, trying to find a way to type what I need to. I know I need to get it all out, I've found it's the best way for me to deal with everything. But how?

Point Form:

1. I didn't think Mother's Day would be hard on me, but I'm starting to get more upset each day that it draws closer. I'm spending Sunday with my family, and I've realized its going to be really hard on me. We're celebrating all the mother's in my life... my grandma, mom, and my sisters.. and I'll just be sitting there. No one will even think about me on mother's day, because I'm not really a "mom". It's hard for me to be excited for my family, when I want so badly to be included too. It's a really hard feeling to explain, and I wish they would understand. Y wrote me a letter to open on Mother's Day, so I'm excited to open that, but dreading the day itself. This must be how all birthmom's feel, and for lack of a better word- it SUCKS.

2. I went to an amazing dinner last night that G put on for all the birthmothers she has worked with at LDSFS. I will elaborate on that later, when I'm not feeling grumpy because it was a really special evening. 

3. Last week I got together with Ashley and Megan, and we just talked and talked and talked. It was so nice to be together again. We are each so different, yet share the same experiences. We are SO excited to be working more on Birthmother Appreciation! More to come on that, too. 

4. You all know how much I love music and quotes. So instead of telling you how I feel and sharing my entire personal life with the BF, here's a video that explains exactly what has been going on. 

In all, kinda been feeling pretty crappy lately. I try to stay positive and upbeat on here, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't usually like that. But I guess life can't always be the way we want it, right? I know it'll all be okay in the end. And like I always say, a few tears and heartache isn't always bad. Still forcing a smile on my face, even when it's hard.

visit #2

HAPPY EARLY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME! 

OH, and HAPPY BIRTHMOTHER'S DAY! 

(just thought I'd throw that in there so people outside of the adoption world would know)

Friday afternoon I got to see my sweet little Cash. We met at LDSFS and had a great visit. Just Y, S, Cash and myself. She wanted to spend some time together, just us moms, for Mother's Day. 

He wouldn't stay away from the water cooler ! Here he is giving me a face before reaching up and pulling the lever. He knew he wasn't supposed to! Such a mischievous little boy.

He loved being spun around with S in the chair, and every time he'd come around he'd give me a little face. This was one of  many different looks ! 

Crawling after his big sister! 

Big Yawns !!

 It was getting close to nap-time, so we had to say our goodbyes.

When Y was putting him in the carseat, Cash just stared at me and smiled. She shut the car door and the last thing I saw was his little face looking back at me. I pictured him thinking "Don't be sad, look how happy I am!" And look how happy that makes me.

I am TRULY grateful for Cash's adoptive parents. The fact that it was her that reached out to me for this visit means the world. They are amazing people, and I am so lucky to have a relationship with them. Y and I talked about many things that "friends" would talk about. I feel so comfortable around her, and she gives good advice. I know she would do anything for me.

We shared words that are very near to my heart, and I don't wish to write them on here because they are so special to me. This woman is such a light in my life, and I look up to her so much. I strive to live my life daily to become more like her, but I know I could never come close. Her love for her children is overwhelming. I found myself just looking at the three of them and being so happy. 

I feel at such peace. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type, but they are tears of joy. 

I have searched for answers for so long, and I have finally received them. 

I know why I went through what I did this past year and a half.

True, it hurt. A lot. It still hurts. It probably always will. 

But you know what ? 

It's. SO. Worth. It.

10 months.

MY LITTLE BUTTERFLY

You were finally here,
My little butterfly.

You were placed in my arms,

And I couldn’t help but cry.

You were so precious so beautiful.

I stared at you with pride.

Your hands so tiny,

Your eyes so bright.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And I knew it would be hard

To say goodbye.

I cried for you at night.

How could I let my

Little butterfly go?

Then I thought of the new world

You will see.

Of the loving parents that will

Take care of thee.

And I felt peace.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And no matter how hard it is,

I must say goodbye.

So, open your wings

And don’t be afraid to fly.

Fly away to a new life.

Where opportunities are

At every door.

And my love around every corner.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

But, quickly you left

To live your new life.

You’ll always be in my heart.

Your memory in my every thought.

Those tiny hands,

And bright eyes.

I will forever love you,

My Little Butterfly. © gina 2000

oh, they just forgot.

I texted my social worker yet again today, wondering if any pictures arrived. They hadn't, but she assured me she was trying to get to the bottom of things. (D&Y are not her "clients", so she had to go through a different office and contact their worker and sort things out) She said they had left several messages for them and hadn't heard back yet. Well she called me a minute later and said she just talked to their case worker and he said they hadn't looked at the agreement papers for awhile and had just forgotten to send me my update. I hope that was all that was behind it...
Gloria assured me that I would have something in a week, and that she reminded D&Y how important these updates are to birthmothers. We automatically assume things are wrong if something like this happens, just because we are so focused on the exact date we are supposed to receive pictures. When the 18th of March rolled around, I was SO excited, because I was expecting them any day.. now here we are nearly a month later and all that excitement slowly turned into anxiety and hopelessness. I thought they were withdrawing contact, when it was really something much simpler.
To a birthmom, waiting for an update of her child is honestly like a 6 year old waiting for Santa to bring her all her presents. You count down the days until your package arrives, and cannot wait to open it up and take a look inside.
Hopefully I only have another week until I can open my present :)

if I were to do it over..

Stefanie sent this question to me last week from the Birth Mom Missions page on Facebook. At first, it was almost a no-brainer. Then I sat there thinking for quite some time before I could actually pick my answer. 

If someone were to come to me now and ask me now If I'd do the same thing over again? As a birth mother with different experiences.. what would you say? 

-I'd keep my baby

-I'd do it all exactly the same 

-I'd do it the same, just have demanded my rights more

I miss Cash. No doubt about that. I have found myself getting .. jealous? over some of the young moms I know. It seems like everything worked out for them. I know it hasn't been easy, but that could've been me. That's what I think every single time I see a girl I know with her baby, all of whom were born in the same year as Cash. It could've been me. And sometimes, I think it should've been me. My main reason for deciding to place Cash in the beginning was because I didn't want him to be without a father. And here I am, a year and a half later, and still with his  birthfather. It's hard for us to be together without Cash, really hard. Both of us deal with different kinds of guilt over it still. Yes we are young, but we would be more prepared than some of our peers who are having children are. At the time though, there was no way we were ready for a baby. We still aren't ready, not for a long time. But I look back on it all, and I know we could've made it work. I don't have regrets, but I definitely think "what if."   

Would  I "demand" my rights more if I did it again? No,

I'd do it all exactly the same. 

I love and respect Cash's adoptive parents more than anything in this world. I do not wish to make them uncomfortable or offend them in any way, because they are the only thing connecting me to Cash, and that line can be very fragile. I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship that we have. There are a few things I would have done "differently" prior to placement, but never in a "demanding" way. 

The emotional and mental pain I have experienced is completely worth it when I stop my crying to remember why I did it. I did it for a darling little boy, who now has a life filled with opportunity ahead of him. I did it for two amazing people, who's dream in life was to have a son. I did it because I loved my baby and wanted the best for him. 

I miss him everyday. There are constantly moments throughout my day where I think about what life would've been like with him. My imagination paints up a pretty good picture, but I know that one day I will have that experience, when I am ready and able to give a child all that Cash has. 

This face right here is the reason.

post #1: from my arms to yours.

I was home sick today and didn't really feel like posting something that took alot of thought and was emotional for me, since I'm already so stuffed up :( I know I don't have to post everyday but honestly I have became so addicted to it and want to! I have been working hard on some really great posts that will be up soon, but for now this is all I've came up with. I have put together a compilation of blog challenge posts. I picked the ones I liked, and have about 70 of them. I know I won't want to post about them in order everyday for that long, so I will just do them whenever I have a day where I am "post-less". 

DAY 1: The Meaning Behind Your Blog Name and Why You Chose It

 From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours- Michael McLean

"With so many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure

If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.

But lately I've been thinking, 'cause it's all I've had to do.

And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.

And maybe, you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before.

By someone who delivered your son, From God's arms to my arm's to yours.

Now if you choose to tell him and if he wants to know.

How the one who gave him life could bear to let him go.

Just tell him there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floors.

And knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.

Now I know you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me?

The first time that he ties his shoes or falls and skins his knee, 

And could you hold him twice as long when he makes his mistakes.

Tell him that he's not alone, sometimes that's all it takes -

I know how much he'll ache.

This may not be the answer for another girl like me.

And I'm not on a soapbox saying how we all should be.

I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above.

And I'm trusting you can give our baby both his mother's love.

And maybe, you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before.

By someone who delivered your son, From God's arms to my arm's to yours."

The song says it all. What title for my blog could possibly be more perfect than the one I chose? 

This song got me through it all.. and still pulls me through the tough days. I still cry everytime I hear it. An elderly couple my family knows through church gave the book to me while I was in the hospital, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours", and I strongly suggest anyone affected by adoption reads it. It is full of beautiful words and songs, each so perfect to what we go through. I couldn't have said it better myself! I had actually boughten myself a copy earlier in my pregnancy, so I gave that one to Curtis for him to be comforted by and I kept the one this couple had had written in for me. I was so touched that they were that thoughtful and supportive, despite their age. To this day, I still pull the book out and read through the lyrics. 

Why did I choose this title? I chose to write a blog about placing my son for adoption, so I chose a title that was about adoption. I left out "from God's Arms" because it made for a long title, but in no means does that mean He is any less important. I completely acknowledge God's hand in my life, and in my journey. I could not have gotten through any of this without my faith in Him. 

This song is perfect, just like my love for little Cash. 

Oprah

Everyone who is involved with adoption needs to watch this episode of Oprah that was on today. It was amazing, and touched me because I could relate so well to them all. I won't give away the big secret but trust me-  its something you wont want to miss!

calling all birthmoms like "Nicole" !

Attention all birthmothers ! I need help from some of you who have been through a similar situation to the girl I am about to tell you about. (Names have been changed for Privacy)

Nicole and her boyfriend Justin gave up their son Levi in 2009, and broke up shortly after. They decided at that time that they would always go together to see Levi, and not bring their new partners. It would complicate things too much for Levi if he always had to meet new people his birthparents were dating. Well, Justin has decided that he is going to bring his new girlfriend Emma (keep in mind all involved are still teenagers), and doesn't see a problem with it. Justin no longer speaks to Nicole at these visits, and doesn't even want her coming to them anymore- which I think is ridiculous, because she is Levi's mother. Anyways, Nicole is very upset about this and is super frustrated because there is not much she can do. She feels really betrayed and powerless. Emma has been stepping in and is always nagging Justin to go see Levi. This whole situation is very difficult on Nicole and her family. I am close to her sister, and she has came to me with concerns for Nicole.

If any of you birthmothers are in a similar situation, or know someone who has dealt with this, please send me an email or comment with your own story or advice I can give to Nicole. So far I have not had to deal with anything like this, so I am not in any position to give her advice.
You all are great, Thank-you!!

guest story!

I got this email from a fellow birthmother and I was so excited when she said I could share it with you all. I love hearing about other birthmother's experiences. Each and every story from someone who has been involved in adoption is amazing, and this one is no different. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did ! 

"Everyone’s story is different, even when we go through the same sorts of things... My story didn’t start eight years ago but it didn’t end there either.  My story probably starts in grade school.  I was not a popular girl and I was picked on and spit on and bullied my whole school life.  In grade 12 I moved, ran away from my school problems and found a better group a friends.  I dated my first boyfriend, although I don’t think I liked him but liked the fact that he liked me.  It didn’t last long. 

After school, I went to college.  One day, walking down the halls with my roommate, we past a really attractive guy.  He said something I thought was nice and my roommate thought was flirting and I was hooked.  I didn’t know who he was, but he was nice to me and he was attractive.  Later on during the school year we met and started hanging out.  He wasn’t a member of my church and didn’t believe in God at all.  He didn’t have a lot of moral standing or have a lot of the qualities I wanted in a husband but he thought I was attractive and no one had ever said that before.  My parents were always trying to get me to be better and do something different and it’s probably because they could see the direction in which I was heading and wanted to help.  But I didn’t see it as help or love, I saw it as attacking.  I got into trouble as always happens in these stories and then I assumed that the Lord no longer loved me because I had sinned.  No one else seemed to love me or care for me so why would He?  The only person who did was a guy who wouldn’t even date me exclusively, but that is all I thought I was worth. 

I got pregnant and the first suggestion from this guy was to get an abortion.  I was offended but looking back, it makes sense that if a person didn’t believe in God, they wouldn’t see abortion as wrong either.  Luckily, I remembered enough of what I had been taught as a child and could never abort a child.  His next idea was adoption.  We weren’t going to be married, that wasn’t the direction our relationship was going, although I thought I loved him.  He didn’t have a steady job and wanted to be a magician and free, not tied down to a kid with some girl he was just having fun times with.  So, I looked into adoption and single parenting.  I had some really good friends to help me along the way and one told me time and time again that if I wanted to single parent, I could come live with her and her soon-to-be husband once they were married and they would help support me and my baby.  I loved the support but I knew that adoption was the best thing for this child and that is the direction I went in.  I know it is not the same for all young, unmarried mother’s but that was the best thing for my baby.  I found a good family and met them a few times.  When I first saw their pictures, I knew that was where my child belonged- they were her family! 

At the end of our relationship, this guy I was dating decided that he wanted to change things up.  Three weeks before I was due, he came to me and said that he wanted his brother and sister-in-law adopt our daughter and then he could see her whenever he wanted but he wouldn’t have to parent her.  He told me he was going to take me to court over her.  I was pretty worried and went into the hospital that night, bleeding due to stress.  This was where things changed.  I asked my dad for a blessing and in it I was told that I had to fight for this child because she couldn’t fight for herself.  Three weeks later, I went into the hospital with my mom as my support and had a beautiful baby girl. Five days after that he took me to court and I fought for my daughter and what I knew was right.  I knew she was part of someone else’s family and I knew that was the will of the Lord.  So many people were behind me, praying for the baby and I and it did work our way.  Before the end of the day, my daughter was with her family and I have only seen her once since.  I have gotten pictures and letters of her for the last eight years and now my openness agreement has come to its end.  We have written about it and her parents feel that continuing should be her decision and so I will see if I hear anything else. 

Was this hard? Yes. It was the hardest thing I did in my life, but one of the best things I did, too. 

Is it still hard? Yes.  But life is different now looking back.

Do I regret my experience?  No, I was able to make something good out of something that wasn’t and I was able to bring a beautiful daughter of God into the world for someone who couldn’t do it for themselves.

I learned a lot from my experience and as I fought for her, I learned to fight for myself.  I learned that I am important, to the Lord and to myself and that is all that matters!  There were still times where Satan tested this new resolve to love myself and there are times when he still does but I am winning more and more.

I learned that I wanted to date a young man who would treat me well and who loved me, and I did.  I made myself a list of things I wanted in a husband and when I got married a few years ago, my husband had so many good qualities.  He treats me the way I should be treated.  Does he know about my past? Yes, but he doesn’t truly understand it.  It’s hard for people who haven’t been through something like that to understand.  I never gave her to her family because it would be a good decision for me, I only thought of her. 

Since this, I have gone to school in the field of those who worked with me and helped me so that I can do the same for someone else. 

I don’t have any children yet but I plan on it. 

There are always hard times, but things seem to get better.  Like a war wound the scab heals and becomes a scar and doesn’t bleed anymore.  But also like a war wound, there are good days and bad days.  There are days that the old war wound really hurts and I pull out my pictures and letter and cry.  There was the time I help my first nephew for the first time and just cried for a little while.  I wouldn’t hold babies at all until he came but he helped me heal that wound. But those bad days are getting further apart with a lot more good days in between.  There are days when you wouldn’t even notice my war limp and there are days where people look at me and I can tell they are seeing the limp and wondering where it is from.  Even people who know what the limp and wound are from still don’t understand.  Some of my siblings were angry with me for a long time because I took their niece away.  Others have used this to change their lives and do things differently.  I even have one sibling that wants to adopt now. 

Every story is different and every girl decides her ending differently.  For me, I chose to keep my daughter to myself- not a secret but something that I don’t share because she is too personal and others don’t understand.

The last time I took out my pictures and letters there weren’t any tears.  There is always sadness but there is hope, too.  Hope for her and hope for me.  Hope that her life will turn out better with her family than it would with me and hope that she will have a great self-esteem and not get into the problems I did.  Hope that I will have my own children and be able to raise them and love them as much as I love her. 

“Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you.” A Knights Tale