how people reacted to adoption.

I wrote this for Stefanie's blog on the negative or postive things that were said when I told people that I was placing. I've added in some other things that I recently thought of.

People just always kind of knew I was planning on placing my baby for adoption. I don't know how, but I didn't really have to come straight out and tell everyone, especially at school. Word travels fast when you're the only pregnant girl at a high school, so I guess the news that I was placing travelled with it. Which didn't bother me any, because it was kind of awkward to tell people. I guess I just felt bad about it- I knew the truth about adoption, but there are many misconceptions and people tend to think it is such a negative thing. (I hope that my story has helped clear up some of those though!) 

I guess most recently I have had to deal with telling people more because I started college where no one knew me, or what had happened. I started school the day my baby turned one month old, so it was pretty fresh in my mind. We had to introduce ourselves and say 7 things about us. My things included one big one- that I had a month old son. Thats when the girls started asking questions.. like "how can you be away from him all day?" or, "don't you feel bad leaving him so young?" and at that point I wondered if I should have told them. But I realized they would eventually find out because I was spending the next 9 months with the same 20 girls, so I was very open with my story.  I shortly explained that I had placed him for adoption, and the questions stopped. I think they just didn't know what to say, because they didn't know me very well yet. But now we talk very freely about it, and I allow them to ask any questions they want. One girl recently asked "WHY." Just straight up, "Dallas, why did you do it." I could tell she was probably judging me a little bit for it, because adoption isn't something common here in Canada. I was a little offended because of the tone in her voice, but I looked right in her eyes, and firmly stated that it was the best thing for my son and I knew he was meant for the family he is with. I think it softened her outlook on it, and we have discussed it more now. 

Honestly, people never really said much to me about my decision. I'm sure they talked to each other behind my backs, but never to my face and I am thankful for that. I felt as though I didn't owe an explanation or apology to anyone. It was a personal decision based on the overall well-being of my baby, and there were so many reasons for it that I couldn't say in a single way "why." It definitely helped that throughout my pregnancy everyone was positive. But I felt so good about it, that I probably wouldn't have cared if anyone had been negative towards my decision. There are a few things that really bothered me about what people said. 

Some thought I was being selfish and placing my son for adoption just because I didn't want to have a child. Well hey, not true at all. This may be biased, but to me adoption is the most self-less thing any parent can do for their child. I went through hell and back to give Cash the life he deserved.. I cried countless tears over the loss I felt simply for his eternal gain. If I was concerned about my own feelings, I would have kept him so I wouldn't have to feel those pains. It would have been so much easier at the time. Another thing that upsets any birthmom is when people say adopted children never fit in with their adoptive families. I disagree. I believe anyone will be molded and shaped to their surroundings, and to me, Cash's 'family' is the one he was raised in, not the one he is biologically from. 

A month after placement, I posted a picture of Cash of facebook. I wanted my friends and family who didn't see him at the hospital to see a picture of him, because he was a big part of their lives for those 9 months. Well I guess that didn't sit well with some people, and someone close to me said that it was "weird." She said that when I "gave him up", it made Cash D&Y's child and basically told me that I should let it go. She said I was sharing him with them, and that talking about him, seeing him, and having contact with his parents made things harder on me. Well as you can imagine, that didn't sit well with me. Never, ever, tell a birthmother what they are feeling. Until you are in the position, you have no idea what we are feeling. I have never "shared" Cash with them.. obviously I knew what I was doing when I signed the relinquishment papers. I signed all my parental rights over to them. No sharing there! I agree fully when she said he's their child, but I can't just act like it never happened, because it did. I won't ever just "get over it". Talking about him, seeing pictures, and having contact with his parents makes the hurt bearable. And after placement, I started doing whatever made ME feel better- I had to take care of myself. So what if people thought something I did was weird- if it helped with the hurt, I didn't care what others thought. Times have changed, and adoptions are no longer kept on the down low. It killed me to hear what this person was saying. We had a pretty bad argument, but it was so frustrating to me because she had never bothered to talk to me about things before. If you aren't educated on adoption, or know exactly what situation the birthmother is in, DO NOT say your opinions to her. 

Decent people don't intentionally set out to be offensive to birthparents, but the majority of people just don't understand what adoption is really like now, so they say things without thinking. They just have the wrong impression of it. 
 It is my hope to educate as many people as I can about the positivities of adoption so birthmothers like myself won't be hurt by uneducated comments, and change the way the world views it. But in the end, what other people think and say doesn't matter. Words can hurt, but there's nothing greater than the joy you get when you know you did the right thing for your child. 

weighing the options

  Obviously I am going to think adoption is the best thing in the world because mine has been so positive, but I also realize it is not for everyone and is a hugely personal decision that cannot be made overnight like mine was. I try to see both sides- single parenting, and adoption- but I just cannot help but think there is a very uneven balance between the two.
Abortion was not at all an option for me.

I do not judge those who choose to single parent - However in the end, I firmly side with adoption as being the best for both the child, and the parents. When I was pregnant, my social worker had me fill out a chart of pros and cons for each. Although it may have been somewhat biased since I had already made my decision, and because Curt and I weren't together, here is what I came up with almost one year ago :

SINGLE PARENTING PROS: I have my baby. My baby will know I love him. I will feel loved by him everyday. I won't be sad. My family won't be sad. I love my baby and won't ever have to say goodbye.

SINGLE PARENTING CONS: My baby won't have a father. My baby will always wonder what could have been. My baby will feel betrayed by his father. I will have difficulty dating. I will feel alone. I will struggle for money. I wont be able to go to post-secondary. I won't be able to afford the things a child needs. (Do you KNOW how much a kid costs from birth till 18?! Its scary!!!) He will be shipped back and forth between families. It wont be a stable life for my baby. I am not ready to be a single mom. Curt is not ready to be a dad. 

MARRIAGE PROS: Baby has a mom and a dad. We can support each other. I can stay home with baby. Baby will be happy his parents are together. Eventually we can be sealed in the temple. People wont judge me for having a baby and not being married. We can be a family. 

MARRIAGE CONS: What if we arent happy? We will fight all the time. Not a happy environment for baby. He isn't the one I want to marry. (At the time) Baby might feel he was the only reason we were married. We will struggle for money. See above. We are not ready to be parents. I don't want to get married at 17. I haven't finished growing up, let alone raising a child and a man (haha)

ADOPTION PROS: Baby has both a mother and father. Baby is never fought over between parents. Baby will be sealed to family forever. He will have everything he could ever wish for. He will know I loved him enough to let him go. He will be happy. He will never feel unwanted. He will never want for anything. I can go to school and make something of my life. 

ADOPTION CONS: I will be sad, hurt, and will miss my baby so much. He might wonder if we loved him. 

Obviously Marriage was the ideal Pro choice here. But given mine and Curts situation at the time, it was definitely not an option. Based ONLY on this chart, Single-parenting looks like a selfish choice. And that isnt the life for a child. Which then leads me to adoption. Again, based only on the chart I made, I realized a year ago that the pro's for adoption were based solely on my child, and the cons on myself. At first I thought Adoption was a very selfish act, and I know there are those who thought that of me too. But if you look at this list, you see that it is quite the opposite. No one is ready to be a parent, regardless of the age, and especially not a teenager. If you can make marriage or single-parenting work for you, then congrats. But it is difficult! I have seen so many of my friends struggle, and it is just not a good life for a child. Dont take this is the wrong way and say I am judging those who do- I am simply stating that it is a huge decision that all aspects should be thought of before it is made. And for all those saying adoption is the easy way out- I say think again. Placing my son for adoption was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it makes me cry just thinking about it. That being said, it was also the most amazing thing I have ever done and dont regret it for a second. 

I hope every unwed mother has taken into consideration all of the above points, and really thought about it. Do whatever you think is acquirable and beneficical to all involved, and sincerely pray about your decision before it is made. It will forever change your life, and is so much more than just a problem you can solve overnight. I have seen so many young mothers think they can handle a baby and raise one properly, but more often than not, it doesn't work out. I know many girls who had babies around the time I had Cash, and here they are, out partying all the time. It makes me so sad to see.. I don't know how they do it- I don't even have Cash, but I still feel like a mother. I grew up so much, and I don't see how these teen moms still carry on like they did before their babies. It is so sad, because it is the child who suffers. Babies aren't an "accessory"- they're a life you have to take care of. And there quite a few who are still with the child's father- good for them, I say. But they fight all the time over absolutely everything, and it isn't a happy environment for anyone, let alone a baby. Things started off like a fairy-tale in the beginning- an adorable new baby, and life seems great. And then reality hits, and these girls are thrown into the real world. Its an eye opener thats for sure! I hate to be negative, but it is a topic I am extremely passionate for because I have seen first hand everything I am talking about. These friends of mine tell me how much they respect me for the choice I made, and that they wish they had made "adoption an option" at that time. Of course they love their kids- but they realize now that its not as easy as you think its going to be. It would have been so easy to take Cash home and start a family with Curt. We were in love, and we loved our baby! But we were thinking straight and knew we just couldn't make it work. But trust me- it's the hardest thing in the world to go home from a hospital without a baby in the back seat after you've given birth... but at the end of each day, you realize it was the best thing for the baby.

I apologize that this post is kindof confusing and all over the place haha but it is late and I needed to get the above thoughts out of my head. I hope no one takes offence to anything I said- but clearly this is a blog about adoption, so that is what I am going to push. It was by far the best decision for me- no doubt about it. However,  I know adoption is not for everyone. But I wish more would seriously think about it before ruleing it out. Thats all I'm saying. I will edit this tomorrow so it makes more sense. Goodnight!