thanksgiving & an update !

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I sit here reflecting on what I am thankful for. But what do I have that I cannot be thankful for? Truly life has blessed me throughout my 21 years, and I can honestly say have nothing to be ungrateful for. Of course I have my hard days, as everyone does, but in the end I am lucky to have these challenges to help me continually learn as I go. Life is hard. But it is so beautiful at the same time :)

I spent a wonderful weekend back at home with my family, and it was 4 days of non-stop laughter, love, and fun. My best friend had a little girl a month ago, and my sister had a boy 3 days later. Cuddling with these little cuties was therapy for my heart, and I can't even imagine how much love I will have to share with children of my own one day. I look forward to that time down the road, when I am ready.

Well, a few weeks ago I received an amazing update from Cash’s parents, showing me through photos, videos, and words what a darling little man he is growing into.  So this thanksgiving, I am most thankful for the blessing that is my birthson & his family. I can't believe how much he has grown, I am so unbelievably proud of him and how smart he is becoming. He is talking in full sentences, riding a bike, and just being the most adorable little kid my eyes have ever seen. 

My heart is so very full of love and gratitude. Each time I receive these updates, it confirms once more that I made the best decision for him. I can’t imagine what his life would be like had it been any other way. I can feel of the love they have as a family, and they really do provide for him better than I could ever hoped for. My heart is filled with joy when I realize that I was the one who gave him the ability to have this life.

 I am so proud of my decision and I don't care who knows it! 

Cash knows he has 2 moms and 2 dads, who each love him unconditionally. 

What could be better than that? He is happy, and thats what makes me happy.

I am truly blessed.

untitled.

WOW. It has been way too long since I last wrote a post! I have 16 drafts sitting here, of which none made it onto my page. None of them seemed good enough for anyone to read. I don't even know what I'm going to write here tonight either, but I felt like its about time I wrote something. 

I've spent the last 2 hours looking through old blog posts from the past 2 years (crazy to think I started this that long ago) - and thinking about how much has changed since then. 

I was a mess back then. And still now, when I read my words, I become a mess again. I have been incredibly busy since my last post, with a crazy work life and working on my bachelors degree, and unfortunately I haven't spent much time to think about how I am feeling. I still think about Cash every single day, but the sad tears I used to shed are beginning to be replaced with smiles. 

Honestly, sometimes I can't even believe I went through what I did. I'm proud of myself. I don't think I have ever said that to anyone, but I am. It doesn't even seem real that I was pregnant, let alone in highschool and gave birth when I was a teenager. It actually is so crazy. Obviously I know I did, but it seems like just a far off memory by now. So much changes in 3 years!  

When I think back to the "dark" days when I started this blog, my heart absolutely breaks apart. I felt so much pain and sorrow that first year after I placed Cash. Reading my words and having those memories come back is difficult, but I think that it is good therapy for me too.

I had the opportunity to see Cash and his family twice this year, and I am truly grateful for that. They are amazing people, and I feel blessed to be able to spend time with them. Each time it gets so much easier, and it helps me cope with the pain I still feel from his placement. But like I've said before, seeing Cash isn't hard for me- I absolutely love seeing him grow and learn- it's remembering the feelings I had when we had our first goodbye, and how empty it made me feel, and still makes me feel.

The pain sometimes eases, but I don't believe it will ever truly go away. There's a place in my heart that will always be for that little boy- no matter how old he gets, I will forever think of him as a tiny baby in my arms. I will always cherish the short moments we spent together, with me as his mother. And tonight, I will be traveling back to those days and trying to feel close to him by sleeping with his baby blanket. I haven't faced my feelings for awhile, and tonight I think its time I do.

I don't know if many still read my posts, especially since I have been slacking off this year, but I still want to thank those of you who do for taking the time to read my blog over the past 2 years, even if sometimes I don't have much to say. Writing was exactly what I needed to help me deal with the pain I was going through at an extremely difficult time in my life. I am so grateful for those of you who reached out to me and helped me feel of your love. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you all so very much.

March, 2012

July, 2012

20 years older and (hopefully) wiser too

well, today marks my 20th birthday... i feel a whole lot older than that though ! i've been thinking today about the things i have learned throughout my 20 years of life, and i want to share some of it with you. none of this is rocket science, but this blog is my only way to expressing how i feel at this point in my life. so here comes the list ;

i've learned ... that life is short and can be taken away in an instant. say "i love you"- because you never know when it might be the last time.

i've learned that one decision can change the entire course of your life. 

i've learned ... a choice that seems so insignificant at the time can give you heartache for life, and bring heartache to others as well.

i've learned ... nothing and no one should ever come between best friends. and that it doesn't matter where your best friend lives, or how often you talk to each other- you'll always be best friends.

i've learned ... you can't help who you fall in love with, sometimes you just do. don't fight it. 

i've learned that no matter how many times people say "no regrets"- we all know thats not really true. we all live with a regret hiding somewhere. 

i've learned ... age doesn't determine maturity, its the experiences you face and how you deal with those experiences that determines maturity. 

i've learned ... nothing makes me happier than spending time with family, and i look forward to the day i start one of my own. 

i've learned ... that there really is no greater love than a mother's for her child. i am eternally grateful for the opportunity i've already had to experience that for myself. 

i've learned ... sometimes its OK to cry and feel sorry for yourself, as long as you're there to pull yourself back up again when the time comes. 

& most importantly....

i've learned how crazy, scary, challenging, and exciting life is... & that it all happens the way it's supposed to.

I've done some pretty crazy, scary, challenging and exciting things in my twenty years of life. And even though I'm not proud of it all, I wouldn't change a thing. I met the most amazing people along the way, including my favorite little man and his family. How blessed am I ?! Here's to many more years of mistakes, memories, and happiness. 

christmas.

This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life. 

I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs. 

My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well. 

I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day. 

On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after ! 

Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! 

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's. 

I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all. 

things i'll never say

I have debated this thought for a few weeks now. It pains me to say so, but this might be my last post for awhile... My heart is just not into it anymore. It feels more like an obligation than a passion like it used to. There are so many things I want to say, and so many things I still need to share, but for some reason the words just won't come to me. There are about 20 half-completed posts with that taunting draft next to it. I just cannot bring myself to finish them and I don't know why. My last few posts especially should have been extremely hearfelt, and it dissapoints me that they were not. I think I have cried all my emotion out this past year and I find myself being mentally exhausted right now. I'm very numb. Thats the best word for it.

I've found myself coming to a crossroad- do I force a post, not feeling happy with the way it comes out, or do I quit writing until I am ready to mean everything I say? I want to post about the happy things going in my life too, but feel obligated to only write the sad things and I just don't want to do that anymore. I've debated deleting my blog all together. Some would say it hurts to think about the hurt. I agree with that, but I also disagree. When I first started blogging  in October, it was the best decision I could have made at that time. The emotions were so raw, memories so fresh in my mind, and writing helped me process my thoughts and make sense of it all. My blog has served its purpose.. To help others gather information, and to help me grieve my loss. My posts will still be here to read, I just have to go MIA for a little while to prepare for the posts that are still waiting for me to finish.

It has been a year since I placed Cash, and I feel I used that time to heal to the best of my ability. It still hurts incredibly, and I know it always will. Recent events in my life have caused me to realize that I will be OK. I don't want to say that I am moving on, but I feel that maybe it is okay to start to. I need this time now to take a break from thinking about the hurt and focus on making myself even stronger. I'm happy, and for the first time in a long time, I can say that honestly. My life has been absolutely busy and fun lately, and will continue that way for awhile. I'm welcoming that excitement with open arms.

"Love is sacrifice. However, when you love, sacrifice is easy. And when you really love, Sacrifice is joy."

no words.

I have so many things that I want to write about, yet somehow I can't find the words to. 

I have felt so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life lately, and each night I stare at this blinking curser, trying to find a way to type what I need to. I know I need to get it all out, I've found it's the best way for me to deal with everything. But how?

Point Form:

1. I didn't think Mother's Day would be hard on me, but I'm starting to get more upset each day that it draws closer. I'm spending Sunday with my family, and I've realized its going to be really hard on me. We're celebrating all the mother's in my life... my grandma, mom, and my sisters.. and I'll just be sitting there. No one will even think about me on mother's day, because I'm not really a "mom". It's hard for me to be excited for my family, when I want so badly to be included too. It's a really hard feeling to explain, and I wish they would understand. Y wrote me a letter to open on Mother's Day, so I'm excited to open that, but dreading the day itself. This must be how all birthmom's feel, and for lack of a better word- it SUCKS.

2. I went to an amazing dinner last night that G put on for all the birthmothers she has worked with at LDSFS. I will elaborate on that later, when I'm not feeling grumpy because it was a really special evening. 

3. Last week I got together with Ashley and Megan, and we just talked and talked and talked. It was so nice to be together again. We are each so different, yet share the same experiences. We are SO excited to be working more on Birthmother Appreciation! More to come on that, too. 

4. You all know how much I love music and quotes. So instead of telling you how I feel and sharing my entire personal life with the BF, here's a video that explains exactly what has been going on. 

In all, kinda been feeling pretty crappy lately. I try to stay positive and upbeat on here, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't usually like that. But I guess life can't always be the way we want it, right? I know it'll all be okay in the end. And like I always say, a few tears and heartache isn't always bad. Still forcing a smile on my face, even when it's hard.

employed!

Guess what creepers.. I GOT A JOB! I decided it was finally time to leave school and start working in the field I love. So, starting next Friday I am working out in Raymond as a hair stylist, nail tech, and body sugarist. YAY! I am so so so excited. It seems like such a great place to work. So, if you're from Southern Alberta, come in and see me !!! 

OH and here's a good story for you all.. 

I was out in the salon, right after I was hired, and this girl goes "How's your baby?" Uhmmm... GREAT. Thanks. Right in front of my new boss, coworkers and clients in the salon. Not that I am ashamed of Cash, not at all. But really?! I met these people 10 minutes ago! So my Boss J, goes "You have a child?" I say "Umm. Sort of." Sort of? I sort of gave birth to a baby, but I'm not his mom ? That kind of sort of. Then I have to explain a really really short version of the story, while I'm standing there wanting to run away and hit something. J says "Oh." Yeaaaa... Oh as in Hmm I just hired this girl I knew nothing about and all of a sudden I know the biggest story about her. That kind of Oh. Great first impression.

Well, I guess the ice is broken and I won't have to wonder if I should let them all know. Because they already do! Yup. Awesome.

snakes.

Here's some hair and makeup I did for a photoshoot last weekend. I'm tellin' ya, that snake was terrifying. I hate snakes. At one point the snake slithered(?) through the models hair before I did it, and got caught in her bun. There was no way I was touching that thing to get it out, no matter how painful it was for her. It looked hungry, and I was nearby. Sorry, Ashley!

post #2: job goal

Day 2: A Short Term Goal You Have:

My goal for this month is to get hired for my dream job. I have always wanted to work at a certain salon here in Lethbridge, and tomorrow I am going to get it !! I'm not letting anything hold me back. I firmly believe in the Law Of Attraction (which states that positive and negative thinking bring about positive and negative physical results, respectively), and so I will be be bold and tell you all right now that I will get this job! I am not going to share which one it is, I don't want to jinx it ;) But here's to hoping that it will all work out!! 

videos for your day!

I'm in the mood for a happier post tonight. Aren't you? I was reading some friend's blogs and I actually got jealous of how uplifting their blogs are ! Mine is really depressing, and I want to change that tonight. SO. I rounded up some of my favorite YouTube videos to share with you all this evening. 

1. I don't know why, but this video makes me laugh every time I see it. It's not even funny at all- yet somehow it really is. Maybe I find it funny because I'm Canadian and am proud of our national animal. Whatever the reason, I hope I'm not the only one who gets a smile out of this!  "Have a nice day! "

2.  Our school is big on affirming to yourself that you can do anything you want. A few girls who graduated posted this on our manager's facebook wall and I fell in love. This little girl is so cute, and I try everyday to look in the mirror and tell myself something I love about me :) You can never love yourself too much! Try it out one day, I bet you'll feel great all day long. 

3. I am in love with Julia Sheer. This video was the first time I heard her voice, and isn't amazing? Check out all her videos on YouTube, and support her on iTunes :)

4. Ok, this one is a little depressing. But it helped me get through lots of days. The words are perfect. Again, Julia Sheer.

5. My favorite movie. If you haven't seen it yet, I suggest you should. 

6. And of course, This one. Simply because, well.. I made it :) A promo video for my school. It won me a free UV Gel Nail course, which I start this weekend. Oh and yes, that is me getting my hair done in it ha.

makeup

Last night I did a little bit of makeup for some of Crystals friends. It was so much fun! I was giving little mini-lessons while I did their makeup, and thought maybe I should post some on here! So ladies, what is in your makeup bag? If you are like most of the girls I did last night, there probably isn't much! haha. Thats a good thing though! You don't need a lot. There are only 8 items you need in your bag to get a complete look. 

1. A good foundation. Apply it starting in the middle and working your way out. That way you will get the cover where you want it most, and it won't look like you are wearing a mask. And don't be afraid to put it on your eyelids, it can double as a primer. Last night one of the girls introduced me to Mary Kay's Total Coverage, and it was amazing!! A little pricey, so if you are looking to go the cheaper route, I recommend Mabelline's SuperStay liquid foundation. 

2. Mineral Powder. I always always always set my foundation with a mineral powder. You just don't look finished without a good powder. And mineral is always nice. Just don't breathe in while you are putting it on! 

3. Blush on the apples of your cheeks and Bronzer on your cheek bones. Blend the two together to get a seamless, tanned, cheerful glow :)

4. Eyeshadow. Please don't go for the cheapest one and expect them to go on the way they look. Get a high pigmented, good quality eyeshadow and you won't have any problems. Play it safe and go for neutrals. On a day where I don't have time to play around with my eyeshadow, I always opt for a gold shimmer base and charcoal in the crease. Easy.

5. Gel liner. Perfect for tight liner, which is a definite must. Apply it with an angled eyeliner brush in the lash line to make your lashes appear thicker. Then apply above lashes if desired.

6. Mascara. (preceded by a good curl of course, don't be scared of them!) I love Mabelline's Falsies mascara in Black Drama. 

7. Brow Pencil. I have realized that I just don't look finished unless my brows are filled in. Especially if wearing a darker eyeshadow. Make this a priority in your daily routine, and you will feel put together even without a full face of makeup I promise! 

8. Lastly, a highlighting shadow/powder. Apply in both corners of your eye and under your arch. Instantly makes eyes pop! 

I won't post about any other makeup tips because that is not what this blog is for :) If you are looking for girls who teach makeup on their blogs, there are lots out there. 

Enjoy!