untitled.

WOW. It has been way too long since I last wrote a post! I have 16 drafts sitting here, of which none made it onto my page. None of them seemed good enough for anyone to read. I don't even know what I'm going to write here tonight either, but I felt like its about time I wrote something. 

I've spent the last 2 hours looking through old blog posts from the past 2 years (crazy to think I started this that long ago) - and thinking about how much has changed since then. 

I was a mess back then. And still now, when I read my words, I become a mess again. I have been incredibly busy since my last post, with a crazy work life and working on my bachelors degree, and unfortunately I haven't spent much time to think about how I am feeling. I still think about Cash every single day, but the sad tears I used to shed are beginning to be replaced with smiles. 

Honestly, sometimes I can't even believe I went through what I did. I'm proud of myself. I don't think I have ever said that to anyone, but I am. It doesn't even seem real that I was pregnant, let alone in highschool and gave birth when I was a teenager. It actually is so crazy. Obviously I know I did, but it seems like just a far off memory by now. So much changes in 3 years!  

When I think back to the "dark" days when I started this blog, my heart absolutely breaks apart. I felt so much pain and sorrow that first year after I placed Cash. Reading my words and having those memories come back is difficult, but I think that it is good therapy for me too.

I had the opportunity to see Cash and his family twice this year, and I am truly grateful for that. They are amazing people, and I feel blessed to be able to spend time with them. Each time it gets so much easier, and it helps me cope with the pain I still feel from his placement. But like I've said before, seeing Cash isn't hard for me- I absolutely love seeing him grow and learn- it's remembering the feelings I had when we had our first goodbye, and how empty it made me feel, and still makes me feel.

The pain sometimes eases, but I don't believe it will ever truly go away. There's a place in my heart that will always be for that little boy- no matter how old he gets, I will forever think of him as a tiny baby in my arms. I will always cherish the short moments we spent together, with me as his mother. And tonight, I will be traveling back to those days and trying to feel close to him by sleeping with his baby blanket. I haven't faced my feelings for awhile, and tonight I think its time I do.

I don't know if many still read my posts, especially since I have been slacking off this year, but I still want to thank those of you who do for taking the time to read my blog over the past 2 years, even if sometimes I don't have much to say. Writing was exactly what I needed to help me deal with the pain I was going through at an extremely difficult time in my life. I am so grateful for those of you who reached out to me and helped me feel of your love. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you all so very much.

March, 2012

July, 2012

20 years older and (hopefully) wiser too

well, today marks my 20th birthday... i feel a whole lot older than that though ! i've been thinking today about the things i have learned throughout my 20 years of life, and i want to share some of it with you. none of this is rocket science, but this blog is my only way to expressing how i feel at this point in my life. so here comes the list ;

i've learned ... that life is short and can be taken away in an instant. say "i love you"- because you never know when it might be the last time.

i've learned that one decision can change the entire course of your life. 

i've learned ... a choice that seems so insignificant at the time can give you heartache for life, and bring heartache to others as well.

i've learned ... nothing and no one should ever come between best friends. and that it doesn't matter where your best friend lives, or how often you talk to each other- you'll always be best friends.

i've learned ... you can't help who you fall in love with, sometimes you just do. don't fight it. 

i've learned that no matter how many times people say "no regrets"- we all know thats not really true. we all live with a regret hiding somewhere. 

i've learned ... age doesn't determine maturity, its the experiences you face and how you deal with those experiences that determines maturity. 

i've learned ... nothing makes me happier than spending time with family, and i look forward to the day i start one of my own. 

i've learned ... that there really is no greater love than a mother's for her child. i am eternally grateful for the opportunity i've already had to experience that for myself. 

i've learned ... sometimes its OK to cry and feel sorry for yourself, as long as you're there to pull yourself back up again when the time comes. 

& most importantly....

i've learned how crazy, scary, challenging, and exciting life is... & that it all happens the way it's supposed to.

I've done some pretty crazy, scary, challenging and exciting things in my twenty years of life. And even though I'm not proud of it all, I wouldn't change a thing. I met the most amazing people along the way, including my favorite little man and his family. How blessed am I ?! Here's to many more years of mistakes, memories, and happiness. 

2 years.

I'm sitting in bed at my parents house, the same bed I woke up in having contractions two years ago. This time, two very short years ago, I was on my way to the hospital with my mom. I had been in earlier that night but they sent me home, with a shot of Demerol so that I was able to relax. After getting me into the delivery room at about midnight, it all became a blur. Little did I know that at 3:59am, I was going to meet the little boy who would turn my world upside down. I wasn't prepared for the emotions I would feel during the next few days.. For those amazing days, he was known to the world as Cash Mackenzie Curtis Sloan. & I was his mom. 

I wouldn't take those days back for anything. I knew that I would have to make the heart-wrenching decision to place him in the arms of someone else, but that didn't keep me from loving him as any mother would. 

The past 2 years since that morning have been the craziest of my life, but I owe all that I have to that little boy. He didn't make the decision to come to this earth, but I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the blessing that he is to my life. What started out as being a trial has definitely impacted my life for the best, and helped shape me into the person I am today.
I couldn't be more grateful for Cash's parents, and their willingness to share his life with me. I feel blessed that over the past 2 years I have continued to play a role in Cash's life. 

Happy Birthday to my blue eyed boy. 
love and miss you always.

I loved you then, & I love you still. 

Always have, & Always will. 

happy birthday, baby boy.

Cash's first birthday has come and gone. 

I treated it as another day- I worked and then went out with my parents and brother and sister-in-law for dinner to celebrate. I tried not to think about it. As soon as everyone left, I couldn't help but think about it.

My heart is absolutely breaking right now to think about it.

This time last year, I was looking at the most perfect child I had ever seen. You lay there, sleeping peacefully in my arms... I thought to myself, "How am I ever going to let you go? I love you too much to." 

I prayed for the strength to remember my reasons. My questions quickly changed to "How could I ever give you less than the best? I love you too much not to." 

Cash, the day you were born, exactly one year ago, I looked into your big beautiful eyes and I promised I would never stop loving you. Bittersweet tears rolled down my cheeks and onto yours, and I prayed that one day you would understand.

Tonight, I'm praying that one day MY heart will understand.

I feel an an emptiness that nothing, and no one but my little boy could ever fill. 

he's not mine.

I got served the Court papers today. This means Cash's adoption is almost finalized. I've known this day was coming. He is already 8 months, I am surprised it didn't happen sooner. I thought I was ready.. but I guess there was no way I could prepare myself for something I hadn't been through before. I's a hard thing to swallow. Really hard. When Curtis asked me what it was that made me cry the most, I couldn't get any words out. The emotions are there, but the words aren't. Sometimes you just can't put into words what you are feeling. There is a sincere amount of happiness for D&Y, and knowing Cash is being well taken care of. However, in a way I feel a sense of loss and pain amongst the joy. Almost as if this is the end of something. But the end to what? I wish I knew what to say. Any day now, Cash's birth certificate will be permanently changed. No longer will he have the name I gave him, or the piece of paper saying I was the one who gave birth to him. Any day now, D&Y could potentially delete me from their lives forever. Now that the papers are approved, what do they need me for? These are all the thoughts running through my head that have been making the tears fall down my cheeks all day. Nothing is different today than it was yesterday. And yet at the same time, everything is. The second I looked at that stack of papers and saw his "new" name, it hit me like a train. Any day now, it could be as though I never existed. I am hanging onto the belief that D&Y will continue to honor our agreement and keep me involved in Cash's life. They are amazing people, and I know they would never want to disappoint me or hurt me in any way. But there is always the possibility that they will change their minds, now that they don't need me for anything else. I signed my rights over 8 months ago. There was a copy of the relinquishment papers in the court order, and when I saw it I rewound in time. June 19th. Sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward, with Curt next to me and our lawyer stating the terms. Using everything I had left in me to sign my name on the line to pass my rights over to D&Y. Tears streaming down my face while I struggled to write. Longing to get out of that room and hold my baby while I still could. Feeling like my heart was going to explode with the pain I was experiencing. I pushed all of those memories out of my head for so long, and seeing those papers again today made the pain come rushing back. I haven't even blogged about those days yet, because I try everyday not to think about it. These new court papers remind me of what the relinquishment papers proved 8 months ago. He's not mine. He never has been. And admitting that hurts a lot. I filled out his birth certificate the day he was born, as if he was a child that belonged to me. I gave him a full name, and Curtis and I are his parents on that birth certificate. That gave me a sense of attachment to him. For the past 8 months he has had the name I gave him, with my last name as his. Now, he has an entirely new name. It kills me. I know D&Y are his parents, I chose them to be a year ago, and I knew what I was doing when I placed Cash into her arms. I have not, and will not ever regret the decision I made to do so. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Reading these papers made everything real once again. Signing my rights over, placing Cash with them, leaving the hospital alone, and now this. All of these events are the inevitable milestones that reaffirm the fact that he is not my son anymore. This is just one more thing I have to stay strong through and remind myself why I put myself through this. I love that little boy more than anything on this earth, no matter what the name on his birth certificate says. No he's not mine, but I still love him as if he were. 

if i could go back?

It is late, but I was having a hard time sleeping because there was so much on my mind. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life, and I just can't seem to come to a conclusion about anything. I say I have no regrets, and perhaps that is true because I have learnt from it all.. 

But would I go back if I could? Of course I would. 

I would go back to when it all started falling apart, and do things differently.

I would go back and be the friend that she deserved. 

I wouldn't go behind the backs of the people who loved me.

I would be the loyal, trustworthy person I try to be now, back then. 

I would tell her how sorry I was before it was too late. 

While reading some other girls blogs, I have realized today how much my life changed my last year of high school, and how much I wish I could go back. I never imagined a year ago that I would be sitting here, feeling this way. A year ago, I felt like everything was going to be okay and nothing would change.. but obviously it did. 

I'm not saying I regret Cash- I regret the situation. I regret losing my friends because of something I did. I regret not telling the truth when it needed to be told, and I regret the outcome that it made. My true friends stayed by my side, but many walked away. It was understandable- but still a hard thing to swallow. I specifically lost two girls who were very important to me because of this.. I miss them dearly, and think about them everyday. I often wonder "what if". What if things turned out differently and we were still friends? That would be ideal. But I realize that I cannot change the past, I can only change my future. I make a conscious effort daily to be the friend I wish I was to this girl last year. It hurts a lot to wake up every day not having the friends I had growing up. But since then, I have found myself and made myself a better friend for the new people I have met since then. I have amazing friends who know my story, and accept it. I am so grateful for them in my life, and the opportunity I have to go to school with them everyday. I am grateful for my best friend from high school who stuck by me, even when it caused her own friendships to fail. I am grateful that I will always call this girl my best friend, because I know we have a friendship that will last forever. 

This post started off being negative, but I guess it is ending on a positive note. Yes, my senior year of high school turned out 1000 times differently than I had ever wanted it to. And yes, I lost many friends. But in the end, I gained so much more. 

In life, we often have to give up something good for something better. 


I feel as though I made myself a better person throughout this last year, and I am actually really grateful for that trial in my life because it shaped who I am today. So yes, I had to give up/lose many good things in my life to get to this point, but I firmly believe it was worth it. 

God will not give us any trial we cannot handle, so why should we be upset when one is placed upon us? With his help, we can get through anything. So when you're feeling sad or alone, and wish that you could go back and change things, remember that these hard times are just God's way of showing you how strong He knows you can be. Take the trials and use them as opportunities to grow and develop. You might lose something good, but I promise something better will come your way if you allow it to. 

death, adoption, love & change.

"Death does not end relationships, it just changes them."

It was my great-grandmothers funeral service today. The priest said the above quote and it really hit me. How true this statement is! It is hard to deal with the death of a loved one no matter what, but this quote put things into a new perspective. When someone leaves this world, the relationship we shared with them doesn't leave with them. Memories will forever be remembered, and the love we shared will never be forgotten. My grandma will always be my grandma. Just because she's not here with me to talk to doesn't mean she's not watching over us. I sat there in the church thinking about this some more and an idea came into my head. Switch a word and the quote reads "Adoption does not end relationships, it just changes them." Cash will always be my son. I will always be his birthmother. Just because we aren't directly in each other's lives doesn't change that fact. 

 In death, and in adoption, relationships are drastically changed. But they do not just END. The love we feel for someone like a grandmother or child will continue no matter the circumstances. I learnt this first from my own parents, and I will keep learning as I go.