grad dress dilemma

OK creepers, I need your help. A close friend of mine has a friend who will be pregnant for her grad, and she is wondering if she can wear my dress for her grad. I can understand that because as you can imagine, it is not an easy task to find a maternity grad dress. Especially a modest/maternity/grad dress. I searched endless hours online for one, with no prevail. They just aren't around. (which is a good thing I suppose!) Plus I'm extremely picky. It was probably a good thing I wasn't shopping for my perfect dream grad dress I would have been had I not been huge, because it honestly would have taken months of looking to make me happy. I ended up getting mine in Utah, (surprise, thats where all Mormon girls get their grad and wedding dresses isn't it?) at a small boutique in the mall. It isn't a maternity dress though... Oh no. That would be easier for me to swallow. No, it is a lovely size 2XL. Let me tell you, being a girl who's never worn over a size small in her life, that was a hard tag to see. I was really tired by that time and just didn't care about the superficial things anymore, so I ended up just buying the first one I tried on. I actually fell in love with it, despite it not being what I had always dreamed of.
No girl dreams of being 9 months pregnant for her grad. 

Anyways, long story short- I haven't decided if I am okay with this girl wearing/buying my grad dress. I talked to my mom about it and obviously I will never wear it again, so why not let her have it? I received so many compliments on it, and I should let this friend at least look good while hugely pregnant right? Well, I guess I'm being selfish about it.. I'm attached to the dress. That's why. There is just something about that dress that I don't want to part with. Yet at the same time, I realize that it is so not practical at all to keep a size 2XL purple dress hanging in my closet. I don't know what to do. If you think I should let the girl wear my dress, check "I agree". If you think I should be a hoarder and keep it, check "I disagree". Thanks ! 

honorable mentionaries

There are many people who helped me an insane amount during my pregnancy and after placement, and definitely deserve a spot on my honorable mentions list. They are those who were "behind the scenes" and that I haven't blogged about, yet still love very much and played huge roles in my life last year.

1. Bobbi- I have always always always loved Bobbi (aka Sister O) and she honestly saved me through so much. I met her years ago on a church camp and we became really close. We used to go for dinner once a month and just talk for hours. I loved our conversations, and she genuinely cared about what I was feeling, which was important to me. I was with her the day before I had Cash, and then she came to see us in the hospital. She gave me a blanket for him that she had made for her baby (who ended up being a girl) and so she was keeping it to give to someone special. I kept that blanket as a reminder of all I've been through and cherish it very much. 

2. Gloria, Lindsay, Cathy, and Michelle- The women I counseled with. All had something to do with LDSFS, and I saw each of them weekly. They made sure I was aware of all the options and that I was making the right decision, for me and for Cash. Without their support and love I don't know what I would have done. They were so easy to talk to, and helped me with anything I needed. I still feel close to all 4, and am so grateful for the roles they played in my life throughout the hard times. I love them all so much! 

3. Guest speakers that I talked to during my pregnancy- Gloria had lots of people come to our classes and talk to us about their stories. We talked to lawyers, single moms, nurses, birthmoms, adoptive parents, women who kept one child and placed another, and couples who placed and then ended up getting married. Their stories were so touching, and helped all of us girls so so much. It was so helpful to talk to people who had been through what I was going through, and get important information from the lawyers and nurses.

4. The people from my church- You'd think being a pregnant 17-year old would turn some heads and get some negative attention, but honestly I had never felt so loved, and accepted as I did during those 9 months. This might all be in my head and maybe I am living in denial, but not once did I ever feel judged or disowned by the people I went to church with. I guess that because I went every week, maybe people were used to seeing me and didn't really think about it after awhile. Whatever the reasoning for it was, I am so grateful for all the people from my ward who supported and loved me no matter what the circumstances were. It just goes to show that we shouldn't judge people for their mistakes, because everyone can change. 

5. This may seem a little odd, but I am going to mention all the people from LCI- Walking the halls of that high school and trying to fit in a desk surrounded by 30 classmates was a little uncomfortable, to say the least. But everyone there made it so much easier, because they accepted me and did not say rude comments. I know how judgmental teenagers can be, I am relieved I did not hear any of that personally. Most acted like I wasn't gaining a pound a day, which was nice. My friends were still my friends, regardless. Teachers were kind to me, and treated me just like any of their other students- which was really important to me and I am thankful for that. I didn't want to be given any special treatment, because that would only draw more attention to myself. They worked with me, and I did my best to blend in to everyone else. (which is difficult when you have a basketball for a belly. on a little side note- ever wondered how overweight people feel, trying to squish into one of those stupid desks with the chairs attached? well let me tell you, it is no easy task. Near the end of school I had to start sitting sideways in my desk because I wouldn't fit anymore :( made a good laugh for all my friends though) 

The list could go on and on, but I think I should end now and just extend a HUGE thank you to everyone else. Your love and support last year is so greatly appreciated, words can't even say how much the little things you did got me through the big things. I love you all!! 

"Juno"

Going through life as a pregnant teenager was difficult to say the least. Fortunately, I look older than I am so people who didn’t know me didn’t judge. But walking the halls of LCI high school was an interesting experience. I think it was harder for me when people didn’t know. The first day back to school that Monday after I found out was rough. I felt very detached from the world around me, probably because I had so much going through my head. I felt “dirty” for lack of a better word- I was ashamed of what I had done. Curtis didn’t even know yet.. I didn’t want to tell him- at that time, we were at different places in our lives and weren’t exactly on speaking terms. I knew he wasn’t going to react the way I wanted him to. He was your typical 17 year old (and a hockey player at that haha) and he just wasn’t ready or willing to accept the responsibility that I had to. It was extremely difficult to see him in the halls, especially since I had such negative feelings towards him at that point. I felt really alone, and I wish I could’ve turned to him then like I can now. Right now you’re probably thinking wow, that guy needs to shape up! Trust me, he definitely has. It just took him a little while longer to realize what was happening than it did for me. While he was probably really scared too, it was way more in my face than his those first few weeks at school. Luckily I only had two classes, so I would numbly go through the morning and then run home to my mom to cry. I made the mistake of telling people I thought I could trust too soon. I needed to talk to someone other than my parents, and since I couldn’t talk to Curt I looked elsewhere. A secret like mine wont be kept a secret for long and very quickly, word spread and everyone was now giving me attention. No one said anything for a long time- but it was obvious that they knew. People I never talked to started texting me randomly “just to see how I was doing”. I felt like I had more friends just because people wanted to be in on the school gossip. Everyone was nice to me.. Not that they weren’t before, I had lots of friends. But it seemed as though the kids around me were just doing it for their own selfish reasons, not genuinely concerned about me. I knew they would get information from me and then go spread it with the rest of the audience.I kept to myself a lot- but obviously I welcomed the fact that everyone was nice to me. It was way better than getting picked on or anything. And for the most part, everyone treated me with respect and were very kind to me. I never felt like anyone was judging me or being unkind. Once I started showing, that’s when things started to change a little bit, although my friends were still really great around me. At first, I just looked fat. And that was difficult enough for me to accept, because I was normally a tall, slim size 2 haha. Previously, I was a well-known girl in my school, so most people knew me anyways. One time, probably in my 5th month or so, I was standing at my locker and two grade 9s walked by. The one (who I actually knew from awhile ago) said “did you see how fat that girl was?” RIGHT as she walked behind me. They snickered and I turned around and smiled at her. She quickly shut her mouth when she realized who I was. When I walked through the halls, I got stares. But I stared right back, and they would turn away. I didn’t care what anyone thought, there was nothing I could do about it or my situation. I held my head high each and every day I went to that school. The teachers were amazing, I never heard one comment from them and that was really nice. It was almost as though they were pretending I wasn’t pregnant, and in a way I guess I was too. I lived in denial for a very long time, that’s for sure haha. But I embraced it and tried my best not to let it get me down. Of course, I would still go home and cry but I never let on in front of my friends. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together. But on the inside, I was definitely hurting. I went through high school the same as any student would have and graduated with my class, two weeks before I gave birth. It was a really hard thing to accept not being able to have the “perfect dress” I had always dreamed of, but I was still graduating in spite of my situation and that’s what was important to me. I never once considered giving up on my education like previous girls had. 

 At a grad party 

carrying on with my weekend activities!

spending time with friends, meeting new friends


No, it wasn’t the senior year I thought I was going to have but it was memorable that’s for sure! I lived each day preparing myself for the day I would have to say goodbye to the baby I had grown to love so much. I didn’t have a boyfriend to tell me everything was going to be alright, and I didn’t feel like I fit in with my friends anymore because I was thrown into this mature situation where I had bigger things to worry about than what was going on that weekend. As I spent more and more time alone or with my family, I realized that the little things don’t matter. I wish I had placed a greater importance on my family and my inner self during my previous years in high school than I did on friends and my outward appearance. I had always struggled with self-esteem issues up until that point, but feeling like all eyes were on me all the time at school and having to keep my head up throughout everything really gave me the opportunity to become confident. I grew to know myself, and love myself during those 9 pregnant months of grade 12. Many people wondered how I was able to do it, seemingly careless of what was going on around me. And for the most part, that was true. The minute I found out I was pregnant was the minute I stopped living for myself, and started living for my unborn baby. No, I did not care what people thought about me like I used to. All that mattered to me was that I was making a life this baby would be happy to be in and preparing everything for the day I would place him in the arms of a loving family. 


 "No one ever said it would be easy- 
only that it would be worth it."

Me and Curt at my graduation, May 29th, 2010

Me and Curt before his graduation, June 5th, 2010