august 23, 2010

I wrote this in my journal for Cash nearly 2 years ago. I am in the process of writing it all into a new journal that I might one day give to him. Well, this entry stuck out to me, and explains how I am still continually feeling, even 2 years after his birth. It amazes me how I was barely 18 years old when I wrote this entry, which seems like ages ago now- but when I read it over, I clearly remember feeling the desperation and hurt my words portray. 
I still miss that little boy every day. Each waking moment of my life is spent with thoughts of him near to my heart. The sadness I was feeling during the time I wrote this is slowly being replaced with contentment, and I know one day it will grow into joy. I love my little blue-eyed boy, and am so grateful for the gift I had of bringing him into this world. I love you Cash, and miss you every day.

August 23, 2010

I still have extremely hard days. Days when I strongly question the decision I made to place you. I don't regret my decision, I know in my heart that it was the right one. But my heart calls out to you, and my arms feel empty without you in them. You are a part of me, Cash. Not a minute of the day goes by that I don't think of you.. What you're doing, how you're doing, what it would've been like had I made a different choice. I don't worry about you- I know without a doubt that you are being well taken care of. Your mom and dad are the most important people to me, besides you of course. I trusted them to raise you, and I know they are doing a perfect job. 

Cash, I know that I am being selfish. There's a part of my heart missing and you are the only one who can fill it. I want you to fill it. I deal with the pains of guilt everyday.. Please forgive me for what I have done. Never feel like I didn't love you! Please. That is my greatest fear. I worry that you will hate me once you learn that you are adopted.. Always know I loved you more than absolutely everything in this whole world, and I had to do what was best for you. Even if it was the hardest thing for me. 

The pain and sadness I feel will never go away, but it comforts me to know that you are happy. You ARE happy right? That's all I ever wanted, Cash. I know you are getting the life I wanted for you and couldn't give. I am so grateful for your parents, for being the kind of people who will carry you to the eternities. I hope when that day comes I will meet you there, and take you in my arms once again. On the day of your placement your mom promised me she would do everything she could to get you back to our Heavenly Father, and I promised to live my life in the way so that I will be there with you too. The day that happens is the day I know everything I went through was worth it. Please make your parents proud, Cash. We all love you so much.

I don't regret my decision Cash, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. I miss you more than words can say. 

I always will. 

Forever love, 
Your Birthmother

if I were to do it over..

Stefanie sent this question to me last week from the Birth Mom Missions page on Facebook. At first, it was almost a no-brainer. Then I sat there thinking for quite some time before I could actually pick my answer. 

If someone were to come to me now and ask me now If I'd do the same thing over again? As a birth mother with different experiences.. what would you say? 

-I'd keep my baby

-I'd do it all exactly the same 

-I'd do it the same, just have demanded my rights more

I miss Cash. No doubt about that. I have found myself getting .. jealous? over some of the young moms I know. It seems like everything worked out for them. I know it hasn't been easy, but that could've been me. That's what I think every single time I see a girl I know with her baby, all of whom were born in the same year as Cash. It could've been me. And sometimes, I think it should've been me. My main reason for deciding to place Cash in the beginning was because I didn't want him to be without a father. And here I am, a year and a half later, and still with his  birthfather. It's hard for us to be together without Cash, really hard. Both of us deal with different kinds of guilt over it still. Yes we are young, but we would be more prepared than some of our peers who are having children are. At the time though, there was no way we were ready for a baby. We still aren't ready, not for a long time. But I look back on it all, and I know we could've made it work. I don't have regrets, but I definitely think "what if."   

Would  I "demand" my rights more if I did it again? No,

I'd do it all exactly the same. 

I love and respect Cash's adoptive parents more than anything in this world. I do not wish to make them uncomfortable or offend them in any way, because they are the only thing connecting me to Cash, and that line can be very fragile. I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship that we have. There are a few things I would have done "differently" prior to placement, but never in a "demanding" way. 

The emotional and mental pain I have experienced is completely worth it when I stop my crying to remember why I did it. I did it for a darling little boy, who now has a life filled with opportunity ahead of him. I did it for two amazing people, who's dream in life was to have a son. I did it because I loved my baby and wanted the best for him. 

I miss him everyday. There are constantly moments throughout my day where I think about what life would've been like with him. My imagination paints up a pretty good picture, but I know that one day I will have that experience, when I am ready and able to give a child all that Cash has. 

This face right here is the reason.

if i could go back?

It is late, but I was having a hard time sleeping because there was so much on my mind. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life, and I just can't seem to come to a conclusion about anything. I say I have no regrets, and perhaps that is true because I have learnt from it all.. 

But would I go back if I could? Of course I would. 

I would go back to when it all started falling apart, and do things differently.

I would go back and be the friend that she deserved. 

I wouldn't go behind the backs of the people who loved me.

I would be the loyal, trustworthy person I try to be now, back then. 

I would tell her how sorry I was before it was too late. 

While reading some other girls blogs, I have realized today how much my life changed my last year of high school, and how much I wish I could go back. I never imagined a year ago that I would be sitting here, feeling this way. A year ago, I felt like everything was going to be okay and nothing would change.. but obviously it did. 

I'm not saying I regret Cash- I regret the situation. I regret losing my friends because of something I did. I regret not telling the truth when it needed to be told, and I regret the outcome that it made. My true friends stayed by my side, but many walked away. It was understandable- but still a hard thing to swallow. I specifically lost two girls who were very important to me because of this.. I miss them dearly, and think about them everyday. I often wonder "what if". What if things turned out differently and we were still friends? That would be ideal. But I realize that I cannot change the past, I can only change my future. I make a conscious effort daily to be the friend I wish I was to this girl last year. It hurts a lot to wake up every day not having the friends I had growing up. But since then, I have found myself and made myself a better friend for the new people I have met since then. I have amazing friends who know my story, and accept it. I am so grateful for them in my life, and the opportunity I have to go to school with them everyday. I am grateful for my best friend from high school who stuck by me, even when it caused her own friendships to fail. I am grateful that I will always call this girl my best friend, because I know we have a friendship that will last forever. 

This post started off being negative, but I guess it is ending on a positive note. Yes, my senior year of high school turned out 1000 times differently than I had ever wanted it to. And yes, I lost many friends. But in the end, I gained so much more. 

In life, we often have to give up something good for something better. 


I feel as though I made myself a better person throughout this last year, and I am actually really grateful for that trial in my life because it shaped who I am today. So yes, I had to give up/lose many good things in my life to get to this point, but I firmly believe it was worth it. 

God will not give us any trial we cannot handle, so why should we be upset when one is placed upon us? With his help, we can get through anything. So when you're feeling sad or alone, and wish that you could go back and change things, remember that these hard times are just God's way of showing you how strong He knows you can be. Take the trials and use them as opportunities to grow and develop. You might lose something good, but I promise something better will come your way if you allow it to.