for Nikki.

This post is in honor of a very special girl's 19th birthday. She is the single most supportive friend I had during this past year and a half. I honestly could not tell you where I would be without her in my life. She showed me that there is so much more to someone than meets the eye, and forgiveness is possible even in the worst of situations. She helped me remember that everyone can have another chance if they just take the steps to. She taught me that it is okay to have dreams and plans for the future, even if you know they might not come true. Through her example she helped me realize that I was taking important things in my life for granted. She taught me that if you believe something is true, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. She showed me that it is possible to love someone without even seeing them. She made me feel important enough to drive across the country for. Most importantly, Nikki taught me the value of friendship and what a best friend is. She taught me so many life lessons, more than I think she will ever realize. I will forever cherish the experiences we shared together. She was my therapist, my travel buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my comedian, my support system, my photographer, my confidant, my delivery coach, and my best friend. She is, and forever will be a part of my family. She knew absolutely everything about me, the good and the bad. We talked about our deepest feelings, and shared spiritual moments together. Even in my darkest times, she never allowed me to feel alone. This girl changed my world.. she taught me to look at life in a whole different light. She is determined, compassionate, genuine, trustworthy, strong-willed, hopeful, optimistic, beautiful, inquisitive, courageous, ambitious, loyal, brave, & the list could go on and on. She is such an example to me, and I hope to someday be half the person she is. When I look back on high school, Nikki was the friend that never faltered. No fight was too big to keep us apart for long. Some of the best memories I have include her, and there are far too many to name. Just thinking about them now makes me laugh, and others make me cry. I will forever be grateful for this girls' friendship, and no matter what happens in life I hope she knows that she will always be my best friend.

Summer 2008

2009

This basically sums it all up.

Anaconda! I'm sorry Nik, I had to.

We sometimes acted like children.

Unsuccessful Waterton trip 2009

Successful Waterton trip, 2009

Sometimes we took roadtrips..

Summer 2009
 

First picture with Babis

LOVE.

Utah, April 2010

Grad 2010

Grad 2010

You were there, every step of the way

You saw Cash first.

Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you are with them..
but still, there is love between you.

Cash will always know of your love for him.

Bug, I hope you have a great birthday, 

because you definitely deserve it.

I love you so much, & don't you ever forget it.

sisters through trials

My dear friend Ashley wrote a blog today that truly explains the main support system I had in my life exactly one year ago. (She also said some pretty nice things about me, for which I am truly grateful for) This woman is an amazing writer, and I think you all should take a look at her blog :) I have posted her story previously on my blog, and I'm sure you all know by now how wonderful she is. Ashley- Dalys Crapo: "Sisters"...from heartache to happiness

another year gone

Here we are at the start of a new year, and I'm left here pondering over 2010. What a year it was. The ups,  the downs, and everything in between. Graduating high school, having a baby, placing a baby, starting college.. I can't believe so many things happened over the short course of a year. 

In a way, I am sad to say goodbye to 2010. But January means a new start, new challenges to overcome, and more joys to fill my life. 

Looking back on 2010, I think of what got me through those difficult times. There is no way I could have ever gone through some of the things I did alone. There were so many people by my side, and I don't have any words to show how grateful I am for their support. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is my family. My mom, my dad, and everyone else. My friends. Most of all however, I think of my Savior. It is not just because of this past Christmas season that I acknowledge the role He had in my life over this past year. There were lots of times I felt alone, yet all I had to do was turn to Him for comfort. So many times I wanted to give up, but couldn't. I found this video today and cried because it was so perfect to how I felt the past year. 

The trials and challenges each of us face will become easier if we can only turn to the one person who will never give up on us. You are never alone. It is never too late to change, and find the joy that everyone searches for. All you have to do is look, listen, and trust. I promise that Love really will find you there! 

far away.

A friend of mine lost her very best friend yesterday. This video made me think of her, and everyone else who is sharing in her loss. Its for everyone who is missing someone they love. For everyone who believes that person will always be with you, if only in your heart. This video is just beautiful, and although sad, it makes me feel happy everytime I watch it. 

My heart aches for those suffering the pain of this tragic death.. K, I know you don't read my blog but I still want you to know that we all love you and are supporting you 110%. 

"Juno"

Going through life as a pregnant teenager was difficult to say the least. Fortunately, I look older than I am so people who didn’t know me didn’t judge. But walking the halls of LCI high school was an interesting experience. I think it was harder for me when people didn’t know. The first day back to school that Monday after I found out was rough. I felt very detached from the world around me, probably because I had so much going through my head. I felt “dirty” for lack of a better word- I was ashamed of what I had done. Curtis didn’t even know yet.. I didn’t want to tell him- at that time, we were at different places in our lives and weren’t exactly on speaking terms. I knew he wasn’t going to react the way I wanted him to. He was your typical 17 year old (and a hockey player at that haha) and he just wasn’t ready or willing to accept the responsibility that I had to. It was extremely difficult to see him in the halls, especially since I had such negative feelings towards him at that point. I felt really alone, and I wish I could’ve turned to him then like I can now. Right now you’re probably thinking wow, that guy needs to shape up! Trust me, he definitely has. It just took him a little while longer to realize what was happening than it did for me. While he was probably really scared too, it was way more in my face than his those first few weeks at school. Luckily I only had two classes, so I would numbly go through the morning and then run home to my mom to cry. I made the mistake of telling people I thought I could trust too soon. I needed to talk to someone other than my parents, and since I couldn’t talk to Curt I looked elsewhere. A secret like mine wont be kept a secret for long and very quickly, word spread and everyone was now giving me attention. No one said anything for a long time- but it was obvious that they knew. People I never talked to started texting me randomly “just to see how I was doing”. I felt like I had more friends just because people wanted to be in on the school gossip. Everyone was nice to me.. Not that they weren’t before, I had lots of friends. But it seemed as though the kids around me were just doing it for their own selfish reasons, not genuinely concerned about me. I knew they would get information from me and then go spread it with the rest of the audience.I kept to myself a lot- but obviously I welcomed the fact that everyone was nice to me. It was way better than getting picked on or anything. And for the most part, everyone treated me with respect and were very kind to me. I never felt like anyone was judging me or being unkind. Once I started showing, that’s when things started to change a little bit, although my friends were still really great around me. At first, I just looked fat. And that was difficult enough for me to accept, because I was normally a tall, slim size 2 haha. Previously, I was a well-known girl in my school, so most people knew me anyways. One time, probably in my 5th month or so, I was standing at my locker and two grade 9s walked by. The one (who I actually knew from awhile ago) said “did you see how fat that girl was?” RIGHT as she walked behind me. They snickered and I turned around and smiled at her. She quickly shut her mouth when she realized who I was. When I walked through the halls, I got stares. But I stared right back, and they would turn away. I didn’t care what anyone thought, there was nothing I could do about it or my situation. I held my head high each and every day I went to that school. The teachers were amazing, I never heard one comment from them and that was really nice. It was almost as though they were pretending I wasn’t pregnant, and in a way I guess I was too. I lived in denial for a very long time, that’s for sure haha. But I embraced it and tried my best not to let it get me down. Of course, I would still go home and cry but I never let on in front of my friends. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together. But on the inside, I was definitely hurting. I went through high school the same as any student would have and graduated with my class, two weeks before I gave birth. It was a really hard thing to accept not being able to have the “perfect dress” I had always dreamed of, but I was still graduating in spite of my situation and that’s what was important to me. I never once considered giving up on my education like previous girls had. 

 At a grad party 

carrying on with my weekend activities!

spending time with friends, meeting new friends


No, it wasn’t the senior year I thought I was going to have but it was memorable that’s for sure! I lived each day preparing myself for the day I would have to say goodbye to the baby I had grown to love so much. I didn’t have a boyfriend to tell me everything was going to be alright, and I didn’t feel like I fit in with my friends anymore because I was thrown into this mature situation where I had bigger things to worry about than what was going on that weekend. As I spent more and more time alone or with my family, I realized that the little things don’t matter. I wish I had placed a greater importance on my family and my inner self during my previous years in high school than I did on friends and my outward appearance. I had always struggled with self-esteem issues up until that point, but feeling like all eyes were on me all the time at school and having to keep my head up throughout everything really gave me the opportunity to become confident. I grew to know myself, and love myself during those 9 pregnant months of grade 12. Many people wondered how I was able to do it, seemingly careless of what was going on around me. And for the most part, that was true. The minute I found out I was pregnant was the minute I stopped living for myself, and started living for my unborn baby. No, I did not care what people thought about me like I used to. All that mattered to me was that I was making a life this baby would be happy to be in and preparing everything for the day I would place him in the arms of a loving family. 


 "No one ever said it would be easy- 
only that it would be worth it."

Me and Curt at my graduation, May 29th, 2010

Me and Curt before his graduation, June 5th, 2010

An unconditional love.

After I found out I was pregnant, I called my sister in law and asked her to come talk to me. She could tell I was upset and luckily was on her way to Lethbridge already so she stopped by. Her sister also had a baby when she was 17 so she understood more, and I trust her with anything. (shes an amazing sister, I love her so much!) anyways, she came to talk to me and I told her that I was pregnant. At first I don't think she believed me.. Or she didn't want to. Then her eyes filled up with tears as she realized this was real and she told me that everything would be okay. She told me they loved me no matter what, and that we would get through it together as a family. (I am so grateful for Tiffany and everything she did/does for me. It was so important for me to have someone there for me when I needed it and I'm so lucky to have her I my life. ) she told me I needed to tell my parents as soon as possible. Thats what I was dreading.. We had some japanese exchange students staying with us for the week. I decided to wait until they left to tell my parents because my mom stresses about everything as it is haha. So the next day we took a trip to Waterton Lakes National Resort and our cabin. I acted like nothing was wrong, but obviously I had alot on my mind! The day they left, I wrote a note to my parents explaining that I had something to tell them and to please not yell and get mad at me because I was already upset enough as it was. I told them I loved them and that I was sorry. I decided to write this note because I knew they would not be expected what I had to say, and I didn't really know how to bring it up otherwise. When I came home that night, my dad was sitting there and I immediately burst into tears and gave him a hug. He asked "Is it what I think it is?" and I nodded. He sat down again and it killed me to hear him say "girl you've broke my heart". He never yelled, or got angry which is what I was expecting. But to see my father, my hero, crushed because of something I did.. I think that was worse than being yelled at. We discussed things a little more, and my mom finally got home. She walked in and saw us sitting there crying. She asked what was wrong and I didn't say anything, she just gave me a big hug. I'm not really sure what happened then, because I didn't tell her I was pregnant so my dad must've. Or maybe she just knew. I didn't say the word "pregnant" for a long time. My mom never got mad either. I guess there was no point in it, there was nothing we could do. We discussed things, and I told them my decision to place the baby for adoption. Some people think I was forced to do it, and I want to clear that up once and for all. My parents never told me what to do. From day one, they knew I had decided on adoption and so they supported me in that. It was MY choice, and whatever I chose they would back me in that. Although difficult, they knew I wasn't ready to be a mom and I couldn't give my baby the life it deserved. I didn't want my parents to have to raise their grandchild while I went out and tried to start a life. My parents have always supported me 100% in all that I do, and just because I was pregnant at 17 didn't change anything. If anything it made them support me more. Had I wanted to be a single mother, they would've done everything they could to help me out, as any parent would. I expected a completely different reaction than what I got. No parent wants to hear their teenage daughter (or son) is having a baby. But my parents showed me that love really is unconditional and made me feel at peace with my situation. My parents and I became so close over those 9 months, and they were my biggest supports and fans by far. When I began to lose some friends, my mom grew to be one of my best friends. Before this trial we had our differences like all do, but it brought us closer together as a family.

Telling my parents so soon was the best decision I could've made at that time. I was carrying around so much stress and worry and hurt and just so many emotions.. it was a relief to share those with the people who were willing to carry them with me. It is because of my family that i was able to get through my days with my head held high. Because i knew they were rooting for me! We cried together, we laughed together, we prayed together.. And then we cried a little bit more. But the most important thing is that I knew my parents loved me, and my baby, no matter what the circumstances. They really made all the difference in the world and words cant describe how grateful I am for them. I love you mom and dad!! <3

Me and my beautiful Mom before my graduation !

Cash & Grandpa, who his middle name is after

3 Generations 

A loving Grandpa & Grandma