thanksgiving & an update !

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I sit here reflecting on what I am thankful for. But what do I have that I cannot be thankful for? Truly life has blessed me throughout my 21 years, and I can honestly say have nothing to be ungrateful for. Of course I have my hard days, as everyone does, but in the end I am lucky to have these challenges to help me continually learn as I go. Life is hard. But it is so beautiful at the same time :)

I spent a wonderful weekend back at home with my family, and it was 4 days of non-stop laughter, love, and fun. My best friend had a little girl a month ago, and my sister had a boy 3 days later. Cuddling with these little cuties was therapy for my heart, and I can't even imagine how much love I will have to share with children of my own one day. I look forward to that time down the road, when I am ready.

Well, a few weeks ago I received an amazing update from Cash’s parents, showing me through photos, videos, and words what a darling little man he is growing into.  So this thanksgiving, I am most thankful for the blessing that is my birthson & his family. I can't believe how much he has grown, I am so unbelievably proud of him and how smart he is becoming. He is talking in full sentences, riding a bike, and just being the most adorable little kid my eyes have ever seen. 

My heart is so very full of love and gratitude. Each time I receive these updates, it confirms once more that I made the best decision for him. I can’t imagine what his life would be like had it been any other way. I can feel of the love they have as a family, and they really do provide for him better than I could ever hoped for. My heart is filled with joy when I realize that I was the one who gave him the ability to have this life.

 I am so proud of my decision and I don't care who knows it! 

Cash knows he has 2 moms and 2 dads, who each love him unconditionally. 

What could be better than that? He is happy, and thats what makes me happy.

I am truly blessed.

Advice from Elder Busche

This video is a must-watch for everyone. A friend posted it on her facebook page when she was going through a hard time, and I clicked on it out of curiosity. Can I saw WOW? I really needed to see this video at this time, It totally helped me refocus and gain a new perspective on what I sometimes forget is most important in life. This video summed up everything that we need to remember, everything we need to do - to be happy. And thats what we all strive for, isn't it? Just watch, reflect, and learn. I loved this! Here are some quotes that especially stuck out to me personally: 

"In life, there have to be challenges that either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision on which road you will take." 

"God knows you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions where to approve. God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen and follow the uncomfortable suggestions He makes to us- Everything will fall into its place." 

"When you are compelled to give up something, or when things that are near to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better. 

October 22

The date was October 22, 2009.

I was sitting on the floor in my friends bathroom with a stick in my hand. I refused to believe it was true, yet I knew it was. I very quickly made a decision that night that changed my life forever.

That was 2 years ago. Today is October 22, 2011.

I had one main reason for making the decision that I did 2 years ago. I was able to witness that reason come true today. The pain and heartache I experienced by placing Cash is all worth it now.

Cash was sealed to his adoptive parents today for time and all eternity. This means he will have the opportunity to live with his family forever in the after-life. This is such a profound thing to LDS members, and the biggest reason of why I decided to place him in an LDS home. As members, we believe that in order to have celestial glory, you must be sealed in the temple, either to your parents or to your spouse. Children who are born to parents who were married or sealed in the temple are automatically part of this covenant. For children who are not born into the covenant, like Cash, but are legally adopted, can be sealed to their parents once the adoption is finalized, therefore receiving the blessings associated with it.

It's sort of hard for me to explain, but short form: it was a really special day for Cash, his parents, and me. 

things i'll never say

I have debated this thought for a few weeks now. It pains me to say so, but this might be my last post for awhile... My heart is just not into it anymore. It feels more like an obligation than a passion like it used to. There are so many things I want to say, and so many things I still need to share, but for some reason the words just won't come to me. There are about 20 half-completed posts with that taunting draft next to it. I just cannot bring myself to finish them and I don't know why. My last few posts especially should have been extremely hearfelt, and it dissapoints me that they were not. I think I have cried all my emotion out this past year and I find myself being mentally exhausted right now. I'm very numb. Thats the best word for it.

I've found myself coming to a crossroad- do I force a post, not feeling happy with the way it comes out, or do I quit writing until I am ready to mean everything I say? I want to post about the happy things going in my life too, but feel obligated to only write the sad things and I just don't want to do that anymore. I've debated deleting my blog all together. Some would say it hurts to think about the hurt. I agree with that, but I also disagree. When I first started blogging  in October, it was the best decision I could have made at that time. The emotions were so raw, memories so fresh in my mind, and writing helped me process my thoughts and make sense of it all. My blog has served its purpose.. To help others gather information, and to help me grieve my loss. My posts will still be here to read, I just have to go MIA for a little while to prepare for the posts that are still waiting for me to finish.

It has been a year since I placed Cash, and I feel I used that time to heal to the best of my ability. It still hurts incredibly, and I know it always will. Recent events in my life have caused me to realize that I will be OK. I don't want to say that I am moving on, but I feel that maybe it is okay to start to. I need this time now to take a break from thinking about the hurt and focus on making myself even stronger. I'm happy, and for the first time in a long time, I can say that honestly. My life has been absolutely busy and fun lately, and will continue that way for awhile. I'm welcoming that excitement with open arms.

"Love is sacrifice. However, when you love, sacrifice is easy. And when you really love, Sacrifice is joy."

something perfect.

G just sent me this poem. What could be more perfect for me to read today than this. G read it at our Birthmothers Day Dinner, and just received permission to send it out. Note who the author is... BF's Aunt. Kinda cool huh? Anyways, I really. really. really. needed to read this tonight. I feel comforted now, and hopefully I can get some sleep in before I work in 6 hours. I pray with all my heart that one day Cash will think this about me. 

TO MY MOTHER

You really are my mother.

The time I spent swaddled in the warmth of your womb….

Will always be ours. 

A mother with her child.

You cared for me and nurtured me in such a wondrous way.

It is you that truly gave me life.

I know it was hard for you to let me go

I know because I was there, I heard it all - felt it all

That moment – the moment when….

You made your most difficult decision ever.

Then the time came and the whole world stood still.

We said good-bye.

I know it took all you had….

To do what you knew was the best for me.

God knows your trial and your strength,

He knows of your great sacrifice, as he too gave a child.

I have never forgotten you….

Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile.

I know of your great love for me.

On each anniversary of my birth,

I think of you and offer a silent prayer….

A prayer of thanks for you

My great and courageous mother.

The mother who gave me life.

I know that one day we will meet

And you will take me in your arms.

And I will know you by….

Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile,

Your love.

- Cathy Matkin

visit #2

HAPPY EARLY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME! 

OH, and HAPPY BIRTHMOTHER'S DAY! 

(just thought I'd throw that in there so people outside of the adoption world would know)

Friday afternoon I got to see my sweet little Cash. We met at LDSFS and had a great visit. Just Y, S, Cash and myself. She wanted to spend some time together, just us moms, for Mother's Day. 

He wouldn't stay away from the water cooler ! Here he is giving me a face before reaching up and pulling the lever. He knew he wasn't supposed to! Such a mischievous little boy.

He loved being spun around with S in the chair, and every time he'd come around he'd give me a little face. This was one of  many different looks ! 

Crawling after his big sister! 

Big Yawns !!

 It was getting close to nap-time, so we had to say our goodbyes.

When Y was putting him in the carseat, Cash just stared at me and smiled. She shut the car door and the last thing I saw was his little face looking back at me. I pictured him thinking "Don't be sad, look how happy I am!" And look how happy that makes me.

I am TRULY grateful for Cash's adoptive parents. The fact that it was her that reached out to me for this visit means the world. They are amazing people, and I am so lucky to have a relationship with them. Y and I talked about many things that "friends" would talk about. I feel so comfortable around her, and she gives good advice. I know she would do anything for me.

We shared words that are very near to my heart, and I don't wish to write them on here because they are so special to me. This woman is such a light in my life, and I look up to her so much. I strive to live my life daily to become more like her, but I know I could never come close. Her love for her children is overwhelming. I found myself just looking at the three of them and being so happy. 

I feel at such peace. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type, but they are tears of joy. 

I have searched for answers for so long, and I have finally received them. 

I know why I went through what I did this past year and a half.

True, it hurt. A lot. It still hurts. It probably always will. 

But you know what ? 

It's. SO. Worth. It.

if I were to do it over..

Stefanie sent this question to me last week from the Birth Mom Missions page on Facebook. At first, it was almost a no-brainer. Then I sat there thinking for quite some time before I could actually pick my answer. 

If someone were to come to me now and ask me now If I'd do the same thing over again? As a birth mother with different experiences.. what would you say? 

-I'd keep my baby

-I'd do it all exactly the same 

-I'd do it the same, just have demanded my rights more

I miss Cash. No doubt about that. I have found myself getting .. jealous? over some of the young moms I know. It seems like everything worked out for them. I know it hasn't been easy, but that could've been me. That's what I think every single time I see a girl I know with her baby, all of whom were born in the same year as Cash. It could've been me. And sometimes, I think it should've been me. My main reason for deciding to place Cash in the beginning was because I didn't want him to be without a father. And here I am, a year and a half later, and still with his  birthfather. It's hard for us to be together without Cash, really hard. Both of us deal with different kinds of guilt over it still. Yes we are young, but we would be more prepared than some of our peers who are having children are. At the time though, there was no way we were ready for a baby. We still aren't ready, not for a long time. But I look back on it all, and I know we could've made it work. I don't have regrets, but I definitely think "what if."   

Would  I "demand" my rights more if I did it again? No,

I'd do it all exactly the same. 

I love and respect Cash's adoptive parents more than anything in this world. I do not wish to make them uncomfortable or offend them in any way, because they are the only thing connecting me to Cash, and that line can be very fragile. I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship that we have. There are a few things I would have done "differently" prior to placement, but never in a "demanding" way. 

The emotional and mental pain I have experienced is completely worth it when I stop my crying to remember why I did it. I did it for a darling little boy, who now has a life filled with opportunity ahead of him. I did it for two amazing people, who's dream in life was to have a son. I did it because I loved my baby and wanted the best for him. 

I miss him everyday. There are constantly moments throughout my day where I think about what life would've been like with him. My imagination paints up a pretty good picture, but I know that one day I will have that experience, when I am ready and able to give a child all that Cash has. 

This face right here is the reason.

post #1: from my arms to yours.

I was home sick today and didn't really feel like posting something that took alot of thought and was emotional for me, since I'm already so stuffed up :( I know I don't have to post everyday but honestly I have became so addicted to it and want to! I have been working hard on some really great posts that will be up soon, but for now this is all I've came up with. I have put together a compilation of blog challenge posts. I picked the ones I liked, and have about 70 of them. I know I won't want to post about them in order everyday for that long, so I will just do them whenever I have a day where I am "post-less". 

DAY 1: The Meaning Behind Your Blog Name and Why You Chose It

 From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours- Michael McLean

"With so many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure

If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.

But lately I've been thinking, 'cause it's all I've had to do.

And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.

And maybe, you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before.

By someone who delivered your son, From God's arms to my arm's to yours.

Now if you choose to tell him and if he wants to know.

How the one who gave him life could bear to let him go.

Just tell him there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floors.

And knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.

Now I know you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me?

The first time that he ties his shoes or falls and skins his knee, 

And could you hold him twice as long when he makes his mistakes.

Tell him that he's not alone, sometimes that's all it takes -

I know how much he'll ache.

This may not be the answer for another girl like me.

And I'm not on a soapbox saying how we all should be.

I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above.

And I'm trusting you can give our baby both his mother's love.

And maybe, you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before.

By someone who delivered your son, From God's arms to my arm's to yours."

The song says it all. What title for my blog could possibly be more perfect than the one I chose? 

This song got me through it all.. and still pulls me through the tough days. I still cry everytime I hear it. An elderly couple my family knows through church gave the book to me while I was in the hospital, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours", and I strongly suggest anyone affected by adoption reads it. It is full of beautiful words and songs, each so perfect to what we go through. I couldn't have said it better myself! I had actually boughten myself a copy earlier in my pregnancy, so I gave that one to Curtis for him to be comforted by and I kept the one this couple had had written in for me. I was so touched that they were that thoughtful and supportive, despite their age. To this day, I still pull the book out and read through the lyrics. 

Why did I choose this title? I chose to write a blog about placing my son for adoption, so I chose a title that was about adoption. I left out "from God's Arms" because it made for a long title, but in no means does that mean He is any less important. I completely acknowledge God's hand in my life, and in my journey. I could not have gotten through any of this without my faith in Him. 

This song is perfect, just like my love for little Cash. 

not on God's time.

Tonight I went to a church fireside with my mom and some family friends, and picked up on a little quote that our Stake President said. 

It really made me think and I hope it will be comforting to those who need a little help at this time in their life. 

God's Time is not always Our Time.

As humans we naturally want things to happen right now, in this very moment. But we need to stop and take a look at the big picture. Our time here is just the beginning of what is to come, so what is the rush? I've said this numerous times before, and I'll keep saying it as long as it is true. Everything happens for a reason. What that reason is however, we might not know for a long time. Or even at all. That shouldn't matter though- because our Father in Heaven knows. Isn't that good enough? It sure was to me. I wasn't ready to be a mother, yet I was expecting a child. Even though I loved Cash so so much, it wasn't the right time for me to raise a baby. There was a woman waiting patiently for God's timing to catch up with hers so she could care for a child, 

and we were led to each other. 

I know a woman who recently lost a baby. She counseled me throughout my pregnancy, and was present when I placed Cash with D&Y. My heart aches for her and her husband, because they would have made great parents. Sadly, their timing just wasn't parallel to God's and their child was taken back home early. Some people might think this is unfair- why would something like this happen to good people? Well, everything happens for a reason, 

and He needed that spirit back in heaven with him.

No matter the situation, we can't ever doubt that God doesn't love us or care about us if we are doing everything we can, we just have to be patient and have faith that things will happen on his time. 

Merry Christmas!

                        A Birthmother's Christmas

by Shonna K.

It was the night before Christmas

and all through the world

Birthmothers were praying

for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother

Was trying not to mourn

For this Christmas was the first

Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many

She will feel this great loss

For her child reaps the benefit,

She simply pays the cost

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight

It is officially Christmas morn

The first that he's had

Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Today was Cash's first Christmas, and to be honest- I wasn't necessarily sad all day because of it. Seeing him this week was the best Christmas present I could have received, and it gave me the comfort I needed. I think today would have been an extremely painful Christmas for me if I hadn't seen him and shared in some Christmas memories. Stef posted something interesting on her blog today. (Thats where I stole that poem from too !) It is so true that we mainly think of Christ at Christmas as a little child. This is exactly how I think of Cash. I still thought of him today while we were celebrating. I thought of how much differently things would have been had he been there too. I was sad for awhile when I thought of how he could have been right in there with his cousins opening presents. I know they would absolutely adore him. Brielle will be 2 in February and she just loves babies. She would be all over Cash, trying to take care of him! When I think about how one of those little kids are missing from our family, it does make me really sad. But I know Cash and his sister S had an amazing day today with D&Y, and got so very spoiled. 

I want to make Cash a part of my family traditions each year, so I put an ornament on the tree that says "The first steps a baby takes are into your heart", and it has a print of Cash's feet when we were in the hospital. I gave the same one to D&Y to give to Cash when he is older. I think I am going to give them ornaments every year. She collects them and I think it would be a nice thing for Cash to get when he is older. 

In all, my Christmas was not as emotional as I was expecting it to be. I know that my visit with Cash this week was the reason for that. I know he was being very loved today for his first Christmas, and thats what comforts me.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas, and kept Christ in your heart as you celebrated with your families.

Lots of love!