i took the pledge, now it's your turn!

A friend of mine took this pledge and I decided I should too. Now it's your turn !! 

 AS A KIND-HEARTED BLOGGER I PLEDGE TO:

• create, inspire, and admire rather than compete with fellow bloggers
• be understanding of each other-- in the blogging community, as well as in the world
• stay away from internet/blogging bullying
• speak my opinion freely, while still being mindful of other's feelings-- be tactful.
• make an effort--no matter how big or small the gesture, to spread kindness or joy to others
• acknowledge that I will make mistakes, (I am only human) but remember to learn from them
• know that at times I will post about the negative stuff in life, and maybe even some complaining (I am only human) but I will always follow up with something happy/positive too.
• believe that this world is a good place, filled with good people.

SO, as part of my first act for this pledge, I feel the need to clear up a few things:

1. From my previous post about my job... The girl I was speaking of is actually a really nice girl. And I was not trying to make her out to be the "bad guy" in the situation. It was uncomfortable for me, but I know she didn't intentionally try to make me feel that way. So please don't think badly of her :) 

2. I understand fully that adoption is not for everyone. I don't mean to put down those who choose otherwise. That being said, this IS a blog about adoption. I support it 110% and will express that as freely as I like. I try to be mindful of other people's opinions and feelings, and I hope I am achieving that. If I am offending anyone, please let me know and I will try to change that.

3. Many of you know how frustrated/disappointed/confused I have been lately with the lack of contact. This does not in any way mean I am disappointed in Cash's adoptive parents. I'll admit that I have been selfish and am sad only for myself, and do not know the reasoning behind the recent events. I hold the utmost level of respect and love for D&Y and always will, no matter what happens with our openness agreement. 

4. I am still going through stages of grief. I am not sure that it will ever go away. I have good days, but I also have bad days. Unfortunately, I usually post more about the bad days. The negative things in my life. Thanks to this pledge, I am trying to change that. There are so many positive things in my life that I should be writing about, so I'll try to do that more often. Of course, there will still be the few negative ones, that's all part of life. 


5. I also decided to yet again change my background. I thought I needed something a little more uplifting.

I challenge you all to take the Pledge !!! Be a Kind Hearted Blogger ! :) 

sisters through trials

My dear friend Ashley wrote a blog today that truly explains the main support system I had in my life exactly one year ago. (She also said some pretty nice things about me, for which I am truly grateful for) This woman is an amazing writer, and I think you all should take a look at her blog :) I have posted her story previously on my blog, and I'm sure you all know by now how wonderful she is. Ashley- Dalys Crapo: "Sisters"...from heartache to happiness

employed!

Guess what creepers.. I GOT A JOB! I decided it was finally time to leave school and start working in the field I love. So, starting next Friday I am working out in Raymond as a hair stylist, nail tech, and body sugarist. YAY! I am so so so excited. It seems like such a great place to work. So, if you're from Southern Alberta, come in and see me !!! 

OH and here's a good story for you all.. 

I was out in the salon, right after I was hired, and this girl goes "How's your baby?" Uhmmm... GREAT. Thanks. Right in front of my new boss, coworkers and clients in the salon. Not that I am ashamed of Cash, not at all. But really?! I met these people 10 minutes ago! So my Boss J, goes "You have a child?" I say "Umm. Sort of." Sort of? I sort of gave birth to a baby, but I'm not his mom ? That kind of sort of. Then I have to explain a really really short version of the story, while I'm standing there wanting to run away and hit something. J says "Oh." Yeaaaa... Oh as in Hmm I just hired this girl I knew nothing about and all of a sudden I know the biggest story about her. That kind of Oh. Great first impression.

Well, I guess the ice is broken and I won't have to wonder if I should let them all know. Because they already do! Yup. Awesome.

is it closing?

I'm beginning to get a tiny glimpse as to what birthparents with closed adoptions must feel towards their babies. I've found myself wondering about things that Cash should be doing at his age.

Does he crawl yet? He was pretty close at Christmas. Does he have any teeth? What's his personality like? What kind of foods is he eating? Is he sleeping through the night? Is it time for his first haircut? (which I would absolutely love love love to do)

I should know these things by now. And yet here I am, still imagining to myself what milestones in his life I don't know about yet. He will be 10 months in 12 days and I haven't heard a word since I saw them in December. I know I legally have no right to know anything about him anymore, but I'm still feeling somewhat let down.

I've always kept my head up through challenges, and this time won't be any different. I'm looking to the bright side, hoping that maybe they just forgot to send my package, or maybe they have been away on holidays. Hopefully I find out the reasoning soon. Still smiling, yet anxiously waiting.

December 2010- The first, & last visit with Cash

here without you.

A hundred days have made me older 
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face 

A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same 

But all the miles had separate 
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face 

I’m here without you baby 
but you're still on my lonely mind 
I think about you baby 
and I dream about you all the time 
I’m here without you baby 
but you're still with me in my dreams 
And tonight it’s only you and me 

The miles just keep rollin 
as the people either way to say hello 
I've heard this life is overrated 
but I hope that it gets better as we go 

I’m here without you baby 
but you're still on my lonely mind 
I think about you baby 
and I dream about you all the time 
I’m here without you baby 
but you're still with me in my dreams 
And tonight it’s only you and me 

Everything I know, 
and anywhere I go 
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love 
And when the last one falls, 
when it’s all said and done 
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love.
 

and then... i wake up.

You know Sleeping Beauty? Once Upon a Dream? She's in the forest telling her animal friends all about this prince she met. Leading them on and on and getting them all excited.. "We walk together, and talk together, and just before we say goodbye, he takes me in his arms.... and then I wake up. Yes, its only in my dreams."

I keep having these odd dreams a few nights a week.. They are so vivid after I wake up, and I never seem to forget them. They are always similar in nature. In one dream, Curtis and I were staying at D&Y's house, and in another they were staying with us at my house. The 4 of us are talking in the dreams, usually about Cash. It is such a comfortable setting and it seems as though we have been friends for years. Their daughter S is around, playing with us, and I know Cash is too.. The troubling part to me is that I never see him in these dreams. I know he's there, and we talk about him like he's right there, but I just can't see him. I want to see him, and I try so hard to!! But no matter what I do, I always seem to wake up right when I think I'm about to. I've been having dreams like this on and off since June, and not once have I actually seen him in them. I wish I understood what this meant, if it means anything. Ugh. 

"They say if you dream a thing more than once, it's sure to come true." Disney's Sleeping Beauty

November 30, 2009

"Sometimes, the things that happen today  

make us a stronger person for tomorrow."

"I LOVE quotes. I LIVE by quotes. I have quotes all over my bedroom that hold personal meanings. This quote really spoke to me today. YOU aren't a burden to me baby, but the situation I am in is extremely hard for me to handle at times. People say hurtful things, and that doesn't make it any easier. I struggle to stay afloat, but I know I am going to grow so much from this experience, I already have. I feel somewhat blessed, because I believe you are being sent here for a reason. My patriarchal blessing made that clear to me. So Yes, even though things are difficult today, it will be a blessing down the road in life. I won't get discouraged when things get tough. Challenges and trials are a part of God's plan for us here on Earth. Its how we act and react from those problems that make the difference. Always keep your head held high, baby. Never, ever give up. No matter what you may be going through, you'll get through, and come out stronger on the other side. I promise."

inspire.

This video was so great that I knew I had to share it with the world. It's everything I could tell you summed up into one video. It's a little long, but so worth watching.