Advice from Elder Busche

This video is a must-watch for everyone. A friend posted it on her facebook page when she was going through a hard time, and I clicked on it out of curiosity. Can I saw WOW? I really needed to see this video at this time, It totally helped me refocus and gain a new perspective on what I sometimes forget is most important in life. This video summed up everything that we need to remember, everything we need to do - to be happy. And thats what we all strive for, isn't it? Just watch, reflect, and learn. I loved this! Here are some quotes that especially stuck out to me personally: 

"In life, there have to be challenges that either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision on which road you will take." 

"God knows you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions where to approve. God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen and follow the uncomfortable suggestions He makes to us- Everything will fall into its place." 

"When you are compelled to give up something, or when things that are near to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better. 

Special Day!

I got to spend time on Saturday and Sunday with the most amazing people. Saturday was Cash's sealing, and all of Y's family was there to join in their special day. My parents were also able to attend the sealing, and Curtis and I waited for them to finish (since we were not able to go into the temple). 

It was so great to see them so happy. Cash has grown a ton in the few months since I saw him last !! I couldn't believe it. He is such a little man now, it was so fun to see how much he interacts with everything around him. 

Then Sunday I met up with them to get my 16-month update. It was so nice to just have a relaxed meeting with them this time without any certain expectations or pressure, we just talked as any friends or family members would. 

Cash's big sister, S, recognizes me now and is getting more and more comfortable around me every time I see her. I like that. Her BM isn't involved at all, so I am sort of taking a small role in her life where her BM would've been. It was working out fine for them before Cash came along, but now my active role in their life complicates the fact that S's BM has never been. the They send me a few individual photos of her along with Cash's, and I am more than okay with that. I have been meaning to write a post about S and her BM, so I will try to get along with that shortly. I just don't want S to feel left out because of all the attention Cash gets from us, so I try to talk to her as much as I can and include her in our visits. It's important to me that she has a good outlook on birthparents and adoption when she is older, despite her own situation with it.

I've said it a thousand times already, but I could never say it enough. I love this family of 4 so much more than words can say. We have a great relationship and I know it will only get better in the years to come. I am so happy that I get to see Cash grow up and know that he is so perfectly loved and cared for. I've never seen a parent look at their children the way D&Y looks at Cash and S. Its amazing to me. You can just tell they would do absolutely anything for them, and I know they already do. 

I have been through a lot of heartache and pain these past 2 years. To say that I still cry thinking about the day I let my little boy go would be an understatement. But then I have weekends like this where I see for myself how happy he is, and it affirms to me yet again that I made the right decision. These trials I went through happened for a reason, and they brought me to this amazing family for a reason. 

Here are some pictures from my great weekend!! 

Such a happy boy!!  

So interested in the things around him

Look at the pretty flowers mom! 

Reaching back for mom

Making faces at Grandpa! 

So intrigued with the leaf !

Just love this little boy to pieces.


"In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be"

He's a mischievous little boy thats for sure !!

But so, so happy. Look at that grubby little face !!
I couldn't imagine anything cuter <3

October 22

The date was October 22, 2009.

I was sitting on the floor in my friends bathroom with a stick in my hand. I refused to believe it was true, yet I knew it was. I very quickly made a decision that night that changed my life forever.

That was 2 years ago. Today is October 22, 2011.

I had one main reason for making the decision that I did 2 years ago. I was able to witness that reason come true today. The pain and heartache I experienced by placing Cash is all worth it now.

Cash was sealed to his adoptive parents today for time and all eternity. This means he will have the opportunity to live with his family forever in the after-life. This is such a profound thing to LDS members, and the biggest reason of why I decided to place him in an LDS home. As members, we believe that in order to have celestial glory, you must be sealed in the temple, either to your parents or to your spouse. Children who are born to parents who were married or sealed in the temple are automatically part of this covenant. For children who are not born into the covenant, like Cash, but are legally adopted, can be sealed to their parents once the adoption is finalized, therefore receiving the blessings associated with it.

It's sort of hard for me to explain, but short form: it was a really special day for Cash, his parents, and me. 

temple date.

I read through the last blog I posted and felt somewhat embarrassed. Until this point, I think I have done a good job at appearing strong throughout my trials. And that last post, well... not so strong. I guess I was just having a bad moment. This little thing called jealousy keeps rearing its ugly head inside me, and as much as I try not to, I let it get the best of me sometimes. Its a goal of mine to work on.

Well, today I got news from G (my social worker) that Cash and his parents are FINALLY going through the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. 

They initially chose Oct 15th, but I will be in EUROPE then ! So I was really upset that I wouldn't be able to be there on this special day. I told G about my situation, and she set out to see what she could do. D&Y are amazing people, and they changed the date to October 22nd so I will be able to attend. 

I am so excited for this day to come. I know it will not come without its share of hardness on me, but I am so happy for D&Y's little family. This sealing is one of the main reasons I decided to place Cash for adoption in the first place. Its a complicated thing to explain, and when I have more time I will try to do that for you all.

The First Time Cash was at the Temple... here in my belly at 17 weeks <3

"The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally."

- The Family: A Proclamation To The World

i'm selfish and i know it.

I've been having a little bit of a difficult time lately. Just the past few days have been really emotionally stressful on me. Life in Edmonton hasn't been going exactly as planned, and I've found myself becoming caught up in the things that are making me unhappy. 

It seems like everyone my age is getting pregnant/already having kids. This is really hitting me hard, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. One of these situations in particular is causing so many negative emotions to emerge from me that I thought I had tucked away long ago, and here they are coming out again. I feel so much resentment, anger, jealousy, regret- all selfish things, and I wish I didn't !  

Placement was 15 months ago. I thought that through this blog I was able to come to terms with it and heal to the best I could, affirming to myself and to others that adoption was the best decision for me. 

Well, now I'm starting to wonder.

Adoption was definitely the best thing for Cash. There is no way I could give him the life he has now. I know that. I know he's happy, and that makes me happier. He has a good life. But was adoption the best thing for me? 

I would've been a great mom. This is bad to say- but I would've been a better mom than most of these girls who are having babies out of wedlock. I feel like I just.... gave up on it all before it even started. I know I'm being selfish, because I made this plan so Cash could have a good life. 

But for once, I just want to be selfish. I don't have many posts that tell the ugly side of adoption, so here's the truth: I'm sad every day. Every single day, I think about that little boy and what could've been. I hate it. I'm so tired of feeling this hole in my heart where he should be.

I want this back.

a rambling thought

I've been reading some blogs from birthparents and adoptive parents and I find myself being somewhat angry with AP's right now. Not angry at D&Y by any means, just in general. (Cash's parents are great with our openness- definitely not saying otherwise here) 


There is a certain BM blog that I follow and we regularly comment on each other's posts.. I don't know this woman at all, but I feel a tender spot in my heart for her. She is part of an open adoption, but it seems to me that she does not have a very good relationship with her daughter's AP's, and that saddens me. She, like most BMs, does not want to step on any toes and make the AP's uncomfortable... but in turn that makes it feel like she is not "allowed" to see her birth daughter. This is causing her to feel a bit of regret that she placed in the first place, because she hasn't yet found that closure that is so easy to achieve when you have open contact.


This is what I think- and correct me if I am possibly just being dramatic- We, as Birth parents, have made it possible for APs to have a family. And in return, some AP's just cut off all ties to BPs because of fear. Fear of what, I don't really know. Now tell me, how can that possibly be fair? True, when a BM places she relinquishes all rights and privileges without any sort of legalities binding the openness agreement, but it was a gift of pure love- and they are left with nothing but a broken heart in return. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I am very passionate over BM rights. To me, refusing contact is what's selfish in this situation. For a BM to think she is not "allowed" to see her child is so sad to me. 


Of course, there is always the other side where a BM does not want contact, but thats an entirely different topic I will touch on later. Also, some AP's cut off contact with their BMs because they feel it is in their child's best interest, and I will not argue with that. I'm talking about AP's who agreed to an open adoption but are not willing to uphold that agreement because of selfish concerns, despite the child's best interest.


All I'm saying is that no BM should ever feel like they are not allowed to know how their child is doing. Adoptions have come a long way in the past few years, and obviously it's for a reason. There is no way I would have placed Cash if I wouldn't be able to see how he is doing. I think it is also super important for an adoptee to know where they came from, and who better else to heart that from but their birth-family? A main point of having an OPEN adoption is so that birthparents can see how their child is doing and continue to have the reassurance they need to know they made the best decision possible. Adoptive parents at least owe that to their children's birth parents, don't you think? 


It's late, and maybe I'm just rambling on, but this is really bothering me. I hope nothing I said was offensive. Comments please! 

update coming soon

I've been impatient with my updates yet again... its almost 2 months late, again. Slightly frustrating for me because I SO look forward to them. Well G got in touch with D&Y and they have just been waiting a little bit to get more pictures and send some gifts along for the one year update. Again, I'm kicking myself for getting a little upset because of course I know they would never let me down.  They go above and beyond what I ever could have expected in my update packages, and I am so eternally grateful for that. Looking on the bright side- my next one is now due in 2 months instead of 4, so now I don't have to wait quite as long for that one. They are also taking him to the Temple next month to be Sealed to them- I will explain all that later :) So that means a visit is coming up too! Very excited. 

I feel so lucky to have a great relationship with Cash's APs, and that they are willing to share his life with me. They take so much of the hurt off my heart by keeping me involved in his life. I couldn't imagine having it any other way, and I am so very blessed by our whole situation. I got a new charm for my bracelet for Cash's 1st birthday and it totally speaks what I feel towards Cash & his parents:

 " I am grateful that in God's design, he planned it so your path crossed mine." 

i'm back.

Well, I'm back in the blogging world. For how long, I don't know. I haven't decided what my mind and heart will allow me to do. But I do know that this post needs to be shared, because it has been weighing on my mind and I need to let it out...

My sister had her baby yesterday. A beautiful, 8 pound 12  ounce, 21 and a half inches long baby boy. Everyone is so happy for them! My dad is over the moon- and I don't blame him!

But Ah. That's where the hurt started. 

I thought I was okay. And I WAS ! 

My arms wanted to hold him so badly. I told my mom I got first dibs on the new baby. And I did- but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. It only made me miss holding my own baby. Being in the same hospital, seeing those white blankets. Reminiscing and comparing my own labor experience to my sisters. Remembering what it felt like to sit in that bed and hold something so perfect.

I envy her. She gets to take him home. She has a husband and family who supports her. She gets phone calls from family saying how excited and happy they are for her.  She gets to cuddle with her baby whenever she wants, and make sure he knows how much she loves him. 

I walked out of that same hospital alone just over a year ago, carrying nothing but material memories of him, and the heaviness of my heart. No one was excited or happy for me, only hurt. I don't get to cuddle him whenever I want, or make sure he knows I love him. I have no control over that.

I made the decision to let all of that go, and I am owning that decision. I don't regret it.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

I LOVE my new little nephew. I will never hold a grudge against him or anything like that. Its just hard for me to be in a hospital room and see a new baby. I know I'll get over it eventually. One day I'll have the opportunity to take my own precious one home. And what a great day that will be. 

Saying Hello to Cash, June 18th 2010

Saying Hello to Cooper, July 6th 2011

PS. I got to see Cash quick on Canada Day. I was in the parade in the town where I work and they were watching because Y is from there. I knew they would be there, but I didn't think I would see them. Y called my name out and I went over to say hi. She told me how beautiful I looked. Cash looked big and definitely not like a baby anymore. I chatted for all of 10 seconds and had to go because my float was way down the road. I wish I had asked to see them after but I didn't. I don't like stepping on any toes. It was just nice to say hello. I love that family so much.