i've got the scars to prove it.

Cash's 1st Birthday is coming up on Saturday.... I honestly CAN NOT BELIEVE it has already been a year since I held that little boy for the first time. I want to do something special. I have no idea what that might be, but for those of you who know me know that I am a perfectionist and I think about things waaaaayy too much. So here I am, 5 days away from the anniversary of the hardest day of my life, and I don't know yet what I am going to be doing. Ahhhhh, it is stressing me out already. HELP ME! Do any of you birthmothers, adoptive mothers, or adoptees have any ideas of what I should do on Saturday/ get for Cash for his birthday? I've been looking on other's blogs but haven't yet found much. I want to do something that will help me cherish the memories I have of him, and take my mind off of the sadness I will be feeling. I won't be seeing him on his birthday, but I will in early July so I can give them something then. Also, the BF and I have broken up, so I will not be with him like previously planned. 

Any and All ideas are greatly appreciated :)

On a side note, some very exciting things have been going on in my life lately!! Nikki came home for a short visit, and we have made up for the time lost while she was in Calgary. We went to the YSA Conference this weekend with Megan, we met some other really great people there, and had a BLAST ! I am so lucky to have such amazing friends ! Life is looking good right now :)

for Nikki.

This post is in honor of a very special girl's 19th birthday. She is the single most supportive friend I had during this past year and a half. I honestly could not tell you where I would be without her in my life. She showed me that there is so much more to someone than meets the eye, and forgiveness is possible even in the worst of situations. She helped me remember that everyone can have another chance if they just take the steps to. She taught me that it is okay to have dreams and plans for the future, even if you know they might not come true. Through her example she helped me realize that I was taking important things in my life for granted. She taught me that if you believe something is true, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. She showed me that it is possible to love someone without even seeing them. She made me feel important enough to drive across the country for. Most importantly, Nikki taught me the value of friendship and what a best friend is. She taught me so many life lessons, more than I think she will ever realize. I will forever cherish the experiences we shared together. She was my therapist, my travel buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my comedian, my support system, my photographer, my confidant, my delivery coach, and my best friend. She is, and forever will be a part of my family. She knew absolutely everything about me, the good and the bad. We talked about our deepest feelings, and shared spiritual moments together. Even in my darkest times, she never allowed me to feel alone. This girl changed my world.. she taught me to look at life in a whole different light. She is determined, compassionate, genuine, trustworthy, strong-willed, hopeful, optimistic, beautiful, inquisitive, courageous, ambitious, loyal, brave, & the list could go on and on. She is such an example to me, and I hope to someday be half the person she is. When I look back on high school, Nikki was the friend that never faltered. No fight was too big to keep us apart for long. Some of the best memories I have include her, and there are far too many to name. Just thinking about them now makes me laugh, and others make me cry. I will forever be grateful for this girls' friendship, and no matter what happens in life I hope she knows that she will always be my best friend.

Summer 2008

2009

This basically sums it all up.

Anaconda! I'm sorry Nik, I had to.

We sometimes acted like children.

Unsuccessful Waterton trip 2009

Successful Waterton trip, 2009

Sometimes we took roadtrips..

Summer 2009
 

First picture with Babis

LOVE.

Utah, April 2010

Grad 2010

Grad 2010

You were there, every step of the way

You saw Cash first.

Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you are with them..
but still, there is love between you.

Cash will always know of your love for him.

Bug, I hope you have a great birthday, 

because you definitely deserve it.

I love you so much, & don't you ever forget it.

formspring #2

Did Curtis agree with adoption in the beginning? or did he want to keep Cash?

I honestly did not give Curtis a choice in our decision, I just told him adoption is what we were doing.. he wasn't involved much in the beginning of my pregnancy. He knew that I would do whatever I wanted, so He supported my choice the whole time, and helped choose the family. Nearer to the end of my pregnancy it became harder for us, and we thought about keeping him. But when it came down to it, we knew it was the best decision for Cash.

Ask me anything!

formspring #1

If you ever do have any other kids and stay in touch with Cash how are you going to explain keeping that baby and not him?

I haven't given that much thought yet, but I think I would just explain to him that I was young, unmarried, and not ready to give him what he needed. I am sure that he will ask, but his parents are so great that I truly don't believe he will be angry with me for my decision. Curtis and I do wonder, since we are together, that if we do get married and have more children, how that will affect them and Cash. Having full siblings might complicate things a little bit, but i have talked to other adoptees with full siblings and they assure me that it will all work out. Luckily I have lots of time to think about how I will respond to his questions.

Ask me anything!

blog change!!!!

Just so all my followers know, I will be changing the URL of my blog in a week...

I have decided to go anonymous (as much as I can) to ensure the privacy of Cash and his family.  My new blog domain will be www.myarmstoyours.blogspot.com

Thanks for reading :)

graduation- friends forever?

It has been exactly one year since I graduated high school. As I watched the Class of 2011 last night, I found myself reminiscing about my own grad night, and it actually made me a little sad.

The night before my grad, I had an emotional breakdown. I was determined not to go to convocation the next morning. I did not want to get up in front my classmates and their families, filling our local WHL hockey arena. It was probably one of the biggest struggles I had while I was pregnant. I was fine walking the halls of school because I was surrounded by people.. not walking alone across a stage, looking especially gigantic in that hideous cap and gown. Grad is supposed to be the best day of a teenagers life, but I was expecting it to be the complete opposite. After thinking about it more and talking with my parents, I finally decided that I needed to go. No one was forcing me, but I needed to show everyone that I wasn't going to back away then. I went to school every day for 9 months, and I couldn't give up now. There was no other option, I had to show everyone (and myself) that I wasn't ashamed. I remember crying myself to sleep that night, dreading the next day. Even tonight it makes me cry to think about how I felt. I woke up the morning of May 29th, telling myself I could do it. And I did. I was one of the last names to be called up to receive my diploma. I waddled up there in my high heels, and shook the hands of my teachers that had been so supportive of me. Each one of them told me how proud they were of me, and that meant a lot. After convocation, everyone started taking pictures with friends, and I just left. I wasn't included in much, and at the time I didn't want to be in any. I just wanted to get out of there and get the day over with. Looking back, I wish I had dressed up and taken pictures. I think I only got this one with Kar and Pa.

This is what I wore to convocation after I handed in my gown.. classy I know.
My best friend Karlee and "Pa", my other father. 

Not at all the dress I would have chosen had I not been
50 pounds heavier, but it worked.

At least I looked the same from my shoulders up!
 Just a little cubby ;) 

I didn't have a grad date, so my best friend Nikki and I went together haha.. She was such a great friend. We walked with two other boys from our graduating class, and that meant a lot to me that they weren't too embarrassed to walk with a hugely pregnant girl. James and Dylan, you'll never know how much I appreciated that. 

I often wonder who I would have gone with had I not been pregnant. All of my friends got asked in really cute ways, and it hurt me a lot not to be included in that. Its something every girl thinks about for years, and its a really exciting topic of conversation in grade 12. I wasn't surprised that no one asked me, but I do envy those who were asked. It would've been fun to match a boy and have him buy me my corsage and take pictures with me. 

I regret not taking pictures at all that day. It wasn't a big deal to me at the time, but looking back I wish I had some good ones. While I don't really want to remember the feelings I had, it would be nice to have more pictures to remember what I looked like, haha.

After the grand march, we had a dance. I danced with my dad very first, and then it was the dance for your "significant other". Well, mine wasn't there so I stood on the sidelines, and watched. The dance carried on for a few hours, and I just sat in the back and ate, haha. I talked with a few friends and it was actually pretty fun, when I didn't think about how much fun it could've been. 

After the dance, I went to Dry Grad. It's a grad put on by parents for those who aren't drinking at Safe Grad. We had it at the UofL, so we went swimming and rock climbing and had the gyms rented out for games and laser tag. It was reaaally late, and I was tired so I didn't do much. My parents were chaperones so I hung out with them a lot and did a few things, but because I was so big I wasn't able to do much other than swim. I always thought I'd have so much more fun than I did. 

Nikki and I giving each other foot massages at Dry Grad.. it was a longggg day!
What a great best friend.

My grad wasn't at all what I had dreamed of it being. It's not one of the happy, important days in my life, and I try not to think about it much. I looked last night at all the seniors, and felt super jealous of them. Oh how I wish things had been different! I remember dancing with Nikki to the song Graduation by Vitamin C and crying. Most of my friends and I have drifted apart, and its really sad. It happens to everyone though I suppose. We've all grown up, and things have changed.

I am extremely proud of myself for graduating high school and not missing a single day, despite my situation. I would have regretted dropping out, or finishing at an outreach program.
I wish things had been different, but they weren't.
I decided my graduation night that my wedding was just going to have to be perfect and everything I had wanted & more. Haha. I guess I'll have to combine my grad and wedding dreams into one day.
I can promise you right now that I wont be 9 months pregnant for my wedding!
I'm making a concious effort now to just forget about grad and look forward to the day I can wear the perfect dress, be with the perfect man, and be HAPPY! THAT will be the happiest day of my life. This whole deal with grad will just be a silly memory.

roses & thorns.

I have a thorn in my side, 

and it hurts sometimes- reminds me i am only human

But every tear that I cry waters a ground that is dry,

And soon the flowers blossom;

cause roses and thorns grow together,

Like a rainbow follows bad weather..

HARD TIMES WILL ONLY MAKE ME BETTER, cause

 Roses and Thorns grow together.

So I don't lose faith, when the storm clouds roll;

cause I know the trials will strengthen my soul,

Making me whole.

breathe with no air

So, you all know how I love lyrics right?? well, I've decided that I am going to name the title of all my posts after a song that portrays what I am feeling. The things I want to say but don't, and the things I wish I could tell someone, but can't. Sometimes they will be related to my post, and sometimes they might not be. If you wanna know the song I'm feeling, google it :) I'm not very good at getting out exactly what I'm feeling, but I can almost always find a song that can. Just a little head's up for the future posts :) which will be coming soon... as soon as I find time to breathe, let alone blog! haha.cOh and PS, In case you haven't noticed I have changed the back ground yet again... Whenever I go through a big change in my life (ie. a break up) I seem to change my surrounding environment too. Just an odd little habit I have. I really like this layout though.. For now.. ! 

 Goodnight, blogger world <3