5 years ago.

five years ago, my heart learned what love was.

it also experienced complete and utter heartbreak as I had to leave that love behind.

Cash turned 5 years old at 3:59am today.

I can't believe it has been that long. It feels like only yesterday- I find myself having flashbacks to that moment when I first saw his face, and it is tearing my heart apart once again.

I miss him so much. 

It is easy as life goes on to forget to take the time to ponder and heal- something I know I need to continually do... My life has been blessed immensely in the past 5 years, but that doesn't mean I don't still have my moments of discontentment.

At times I wonder what life would be like, had I parented him.
But I know that he is where he is meant to be- in a loving family with two wonderful parents. As I type, I have just received an email from them with pictures of his day- what a cutie! I am so blessed to have contact with them and know that he is being cared for.

So tonight as I lay down to sleep, it is with a heavy heart. I ache to hold my little boy once more, and tell him of my love for him. But I know that his parents are doing that for me- telling him of his story once more, and how he will forever be surrounded by love, even if it is from a distance. 

I love you more than words can say, my sweet little boy. 
I always will.

Day 11: life before adoption

LIFE BEFORE ADOPTION

My life before adoption was an unhappy, disasterous place. I had been making choices in the years prior to my pregnancy that were not setting me up to be on a path much different from where I ended up. I was definitely influenced by my friends at the time, but I would never say they were at fault because I had the Agency to make these choices on my own. Although during those years I was experimenting with things I should not have been, in the back of my head I always knew that it was wrong, and that I needed to live a better life. But I thought I was fine, that I was still hanging onto some of my beliefs and values, and that what I was doing was really "not that bad". And then I experienced something as a result of a poor choice that sent my whole world into a downward spiral. I became angry, and didn't know what to do. So I turned away from the things and people who would make me happy, and I continued to make wrong choices, because I figured- why not. I hurt a lot of people along this path, and for that I am truly sorry. I was in a dark place, and not thinking of how my actions were affecting others. I lost myself for a good portion of that year-I didn't know where to go, or who to turn to... and then one day, it all changed. No longer was it about me.

When I found out Cash was coming into this world, it was as though everything snapped into place. I realized that I wasn't capable of giving him the life he deserved, and so I set out to give him that, no matter the cost. I was determined to keep my head high, and do what I could to make Him proud. My priorities changed, and the overall way I looked at life shifted abruptly, I truly realized what was important, and what was not.

Life before adoption was hard. Life during the process was even harder. But sitting here today, I can say it was all truly worth it. That little boy changed me for the better, and made me the person I am today. I am so grateful.

day 10: favourite quote

"And maybe, you can tell your baby

when you love him so that he's been loved before- 

from someone who delivered your son,

From God's Arms to My Arms, to Yours"

I have said before how I felt immediately that when I found out I was expecting adoption was my only option, and I felt very confident and at peace with that decision, because I knew in my heart that it was right. This quote summarizes what those feelings meant to me. 

I believe in a pre-existence, and in life after death. I believe that we all lived together in the presence of God before coming to earth, and that after we die we will be reunited with our families for all of eternity. Now, this may sound crazy to some of you... but I think that perhaps in the pre-existence we knew of the struggles we would face on earth, and that we agreed to tackle them in order to complete our journey here and make it back to our Father in Heaven. Maybe Cash's parents knew of their physical challenges that would prevent them from having children... and maybe I said I would help bring Cash to them through an unconventional way, in order to allow him to gain a spirit and be with his temporal family. (which are the ones he was adopted into).

Whether or not my theory is true, I find peace in believing it is. 

I can't ask for anything more than D&Y making sure Cash knows every day who I am, and how much I love him. After all.... I delivered him from God's arms- to theirs. 

(This quote means everything to me. It is from the song "From God's Arms to My Arms, to Yours" by Michael McLean. I first read this quote on a picture in the office of my Adoption Counsellor, the first time I met with her. The words completely stuck with me from that day on, and that is where I got the name for my blog from!) 

Day 9: Support.

I truly could not have made it through this difficult trial without the support of those around me.
I owe so much to my family, my friends, Curtis, and my Savior Jesus Christ. 

My family showed unconditional love every step of the way- and made sure that I never felt alone. They supported me throughout every decision, and were there for me when I needed it. I never felt pressured by them, or unloved in any way. I am very fortunate to have the family I have!!

I am grateful for my friends, who stood by my side and made those 9 months bearable. I always felt included and accepted and for that I am very grateful. I am especially grateful for Nikki- who was living on the other side of the country at the time I found out I was pregnant, and moved back to be with me. This girl singlehandedly taught me the true meaning of true friendship. She literally was at my side throughout everything- including Cash's birth. I couldn't have asked for a stronger girl to help me through the hardest times of my life. She loved Cash as if he was her own- and she cried with me every step of the way. Cash's placement was a difficult thing for her to experience as well because she had grown so attached to him, and I want her to know that I understand this now. She was always there for me when I needed her, and she will never know how much that means to me!

Curtis. Although at the time he was just a "sperm donor", Curtis grew to love Cash just as much as I did. He is truly the only person who completely understands how I feel, and I am grateful for his constant support over the past 5 years. It doesn't matter where we are in life, I know that I can always turn to him when I need someone to talk to, because chances are he needs me as well. There have been countless times in the past where I have called Curt and not said anything- but he will just listen to me cry, and know the reasons why. And he will cry with me because he feels the same, and then we will talk it out, and at the end of the phone call we will be okay. Because we both know we did the right thing for our son, no matter how difficult it may be.

Most importantly, I recognize the hand of my Saviour throughout this difficult time in my life. From day 1, I felt of his love and knew that no matter what trials lay ahead of me, I would not be left alone. It was the strength I received from Him that got me through the hardest days. The days when I felt like giving up, because the pain was too much. It was those days that I felt His love surround me, and pull me back onto my feet. I felt Him when I felt too weak to even get out of bed, but knew I could make it through the day because He was be with me every step of the way, holding me up. It is the belief I have of knowing when this world is over, I can be with my son again. That all the mistakes I made are washed away through His grace, and that with His help, my empty heart can be made whole again. I owe my life to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, in more ways that one. Truly their light and support is what single-handedly guided my life throughout the darkness and still guides my life today.

I could not have persevered throughout my struggles without the support of those mentioned above. I can't imagine how different things would have been had I not had the love of my family and friends around me as I endured some pretty tough things. I am so grateful for them, and for the continued support today. I love you all !!!!!

Day 7 and 8: That Plus Sign, and The Adoptive Parents.

Day 7: You can see my original post about that "plus" sign here- life changing moment 

Day 8: ADOPTIVE PARENTS: 

I wrote 2 posts in November 2010 about choosing the family and meeting the family. Take a look :)

I am so blessed to have these two (and their daughter) in my life. They are an amazing couple, and have brought so much joy into my life. They truly have given Cash everything I could have ever hoped for him, and more. I have zero doubts in my mind that they are the family that Cash was predestined to be with. I am comfortable with the boundaries that we have set pertaining to our relationship and recognize that THEY are a family first and foremost, and I just offer some extra love ;) They have open communication with Cash pertaining to our situation, and he is fully aware that he has two moms, and two dads, and even at 4 years old he knows he is part of a very special story. I know that it was extremely difficult for them to accept that they could not have children of their own, but I love them for opening up their lives and hearts to me and allow everyone involved the benefits of an open adoption, regardless of how emotionally difficult it is for them.

I love this family so much. I have the utmost of respect for them, and feel 100% confident that they are raising Cash in the absolute best way. I know that they think of me in everything that they do, and want to make me proud. And they do. Cash is a very lucky boy- and I am grateful that was able to play a role in allowing him the opportunities that he has now, with his forever family. 

Day 6: My Happy Place.

Day 6: MY HAPPY PLACE

Nothing makes me more happy than being with my Family. I have been incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support system, especially over the past few years. My first nephew, Hunter, was born when I was 12 years old. I remember the morning we got the phone call I immediately changed my MSN Messenger name to "Auntie Dallas" haha.. since then, and 6 more babies later, being an Aunt is still one of my defining titles and truly the greatest blessing in my life. I love those little kids more than anything!

We have a cabin in the mountains near Waterton Park, Alberta, and it is my favourite place in the world. It is a place where I can feel at complete peace, enjoy the company of my family, and escape the pressures in my life at school and work. It was here that I came with my parents the morning I placed Cash into his family. Being there is what got me through the most difficult day of my life. It was so comforting to be looking at the trees and mountains, and process what I had just endured before I started my grieving process. I felt of my Heavenly Father's love for me so strongly that day, as I was surrounded by his beautiful creation.

Planted this tree on the day of Cash's placement

Not the best photo, but these are the loves of my life !! 

Day 5: Fears.

DAY 5: FEARS.

My greatest fear: I am afraid that Cash won't come searching for answers, because he already has them. Cash knows that he has two moms and two dads, and that we love him equally. He has the answers he needs to know because our adoption is open, and when he is old enough, all the information will be available at his fingertips. Because of this, I worry that he won't have a desire to find out about where he came from, since he has been hearing the story since he was born. I worry that when he grows up he won't feel the need to have a relationship with me, because he already knows enough.

I am afraid that I will never feel great love. I worry all the time that I am no longer capable of having someone love me because I am "used".. I get anxiety at the first possibility of a relationship because I realize that at some point, I will have to share my story with this person... and I worry that they won't accept me because of my past. I also fear that I won't have the opportunity to have more children. This would absolutely break my heart, because one of my goals is to have children that I am in a position to raise in a stable environment. I worry that my experience as a birthmother will prevent me from accomplishing my greatest dream- which is to someday be a wife and mother.

I chose the quote "Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEAR" because it is something I strive to do each day. I have all these concerns, and at times it does really affect my perception. But, I do have FAITH that with the help of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, all things will work out accordingly. I have FAITH that even when times get hard, I can look to Him and be comforted in my sorrows. I have FAITH in a greater plan than any of us has the capacity to see, and that whatever happens, happens the way it is meant to be. 

Day 4: The First Photo.

DAY 4: FIRST PHOTO(s)

My birth-son Cash was born at 3:59 am on Friday June 18th, 2010. I had a natural delivery, mostly due to the fact that I am completely terrified of needles and the thought of an epidural going into my back did NOT sit well with me. I decided early on into my pregnancy that I would do it natural, and with the advice of a family friend, I looked into "Hypno-birthing" and taught myself how to relax through the contractions as best I could.

It is true what they say- as soon as you see that baby you forget all about the pain. 

That night is all a blur. I don't remember much from before I saw him- but thats one moment I will never forget. I can't get over how alert Cash was from the moment he was born. I never heard him make a sound in those first few hours. He was quiet, wide-awake, and content. It was a very surreal experience for me.. As soon as the nurses handed him to me after checking his vitals, everything else going on in the room seemed to disappear. It was me and him, and no one else. I was focussing on nothing but that little bundle in my arms. Everything I had gone to up to that point suddenly became worth it. Seeing this little face, and feeling of my love for him, made it all worth it.

In these photos, I was a mother. 

I had finally met the little boy I had carried for nine months, and grown to have such a strong connection to. Everything leading up to that point had been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences that at times had left me feeling hopeless and alone. But I wasn't alone- I had HIM. It was me and him, for nine whole months. I had made life-changing decisions on behalf of little guy, and this was it. This was when I got to meet him, to kiss him, and to tell him that I loved him and was doing this all for him. What an amazing experience, to hold this tiny child who unknowingly had been a part of a plan, and was going to change lives now and forever. 

I loved him the way any mother would love their child, only mine had some strings attached. I knew that he was meant for another family, and these moments together would be fleeting. I loved him the way I knew his adoptive mother would have loved him, if she was there. I thought of her, and how I knew I could trust her to love our son just as much as I did in those moments. I thought of how blessed we all were to be a part of this amazing experience. I thought of how much I loved him, and how hard it was going to be to say goodbye. 

I adore these photos because in them he was mine, if only for a moment.