Merry Christmas!

                        A Birthmother's Christmas

by Shonna K.

It was the night before Christmas

and all through the world

Birthmothers were praying

for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother

Was trying not to mourn

For this Christmas was the first

Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many

She will feel this great loss

For her child reaps the benefit,

She simply pays the cost

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight

It is officially Christmas morn

The first that he's had

Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Today was Cash's first Christmas, and to be honest- I wasn't necessarily sad all day because of it. Seeing him this week was the best Christmas present I could have received, and it gave me the comfort I needed. I think today would have been an extremely painful Christmas for me if I hadn't seen him and shared in some Christmas memories. Stef posted something interesting on her blog today. (Thats where I stole that poem from too !) It is so true that we mainly think of Christ at Christmas as a little child. This is exactly how I think of Cash. I still thought of him today while we were celebrating. I thought of how much differently things would have been had he been there too. I was sad for awhile when I thought of how he could have been right in there with his cousins opening presents. I know they would absolutely adore him. Brielle will be 2 in February and she just loves babies. She would be all over Cash, trying to take care of him! When I think about how one of those little kids are missing from our family, it does make me really sad. But I know Cash and his sister S had an amazing day today with D&Y, and got so very spoiled. 

I want to make Cash a part of my family traditions each year, so I put an ornament on the tree that says "The first steps a baby takes are into your heart", and it has a print of Cash's feet when we were in the hospital. I gave the same one to D&Y to give to Cash when he is older. I think I am going to give them ornaments every year. She collects them and I think it would be a nice thing for Cash to get when he is older. 

In all, my Christmas was not as emotional as I was expecting it to be. I know that my visit with Cash this week was the reason for that. I know he was being very loved today for his first Christmas, and thats what comforts me.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas, and kept Christ in your heart as you celebrated with your families.

Lots of love!