august 23, 2010

I wrote this in my journal for Cash nearly 2 years ago. I am in the process of writing it all into a new journal that I might one day give to him. Well, this entry stuck out to me, and explains how I am still continually feeling, even 2 years after his birth. It amazes me how I was barely 18 years old when I wrote this entry, which seems like ages ago now- but when I read it over, I clearly remember feeling the desperation and hurt my words portray. 
I still miss that little boy every day. Each waking moment of my life is spent with thoughts of him near to my heart. The sadness I was feeling during the time I wrote this is slowly being replaced with contentment, and I know one day it will grow into joy. I love my little blue-eyed boy, and am so grateful for the gift I had of bringing him into this world. I love you Cash, and miss you every day.

August 23, 2010

I still have extremely hard days. Days when I strongly question the decision I made to place you. I don't regret my decision, I know in my heart that it was the right one. But my heart calls out to you, and my arms feel empty without you in them. You are a part of me, Cash. Not a minute of the day goes by that I don't think of you.. What you're doing, how you're doing, what it would've been like had I made a different choice. I don't worry about you- I know without a doubt that you are being well taken care of. Your mom and dad are the most important people to me, besides you of course. I trusted them to raise you, and I know they are doing a perfect job. 

Cash, I know that I am being selfish. There's a part of my heart missing and you are the only one who can fill it. I want you to fill it. I deal with the pains of guilt everyday.. Please forgive me for what I have done. Never feel like I didn't love you! Please. That is my greatest fear. I worry that you will hate me once you learn that you are adopted.. Always know I loved you more than absolutely everything in this whole world, and I had to do what was best for you. Even if it was the hardest thing for me. 

The pain and sadness I feel will never go away, but it comforts me to know that you are happy. You ARE happy right? That's all I ever wanted, Cash. I know you are getting the life I wanted for you and couldn't give. I am so grateful for your parents, for being the kind of people who will carry you to the eternities. I hope when that day comes I will meet you there, and take you in my arms once again. On the day of your placement your mom promised me she would do everything she could to get you back to our Heavenly Father, and I promised to live my life in the way so that I will be there with you too. The day that happens is the day I know everything I went through was worth it. Please make your parents proud, Cash. We all love you so much.

I don't regret my decision Cash, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. I miss you more than words can say. 

I always will. 

Forever love, 
Your Birthmother