no words.

I have so many things that I want to write about, yet somehow I can't find the words to. 

I have felt so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life lately, and each night I stare at this blinking curser, trying to find a way to type what I need to. I know I need to get it all out, I've found it's the best way for me to deal with everything. But how?

Point Form:

1. I didn't think Mother's Day would be hard on me, but I'm starting to get more upset each day that it draws closer. I'm spending Sunday with my family, and I've realized its going to be really hard on me. We're celebrating all the mother's in my life... my grandma, mom, and my sisters.. and I'll just be sitting there. No one will even think about me on mother's day, because I'm not really a "mom". It's hard for me to be excited for my family, when I want so badly to be included too. It's a really hard feeling to explain, and I wish they would understand. Y wrote me a letter to open on Mother's Day, so I'm excited to open that, but dreading the day itself. This must be how all birthmom's feel, and for lack of a better word- it SUCKS.

2. I went to an amazing dinner last night that G put on for all the birthmothers she has worked with at LDSFS. I will elaborate on that later, when I'm not feeling grumpy because it was a really special evening. 

3. Last week I got together with Ashley and Megan, and we just talked and talked and talked. It was so nice to be together again. We are each so different, yet share the same experiences. We are SO excited to be working more on Birthmother Appreciation! More to come on that, too. 

4. You all know how much I love music and quotes. So instead of telling you how I feel and sharing my entire personal life with the BF, here's a video that explains exactly what has been going on. 

In all, kinda been feeling pretty crappy lately. I try to stay positive and upbeat on here, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't usually like that. But I guess life can't always be the way we want it, right? I know it'll all be okay in the end. And like I always say, a few tears and heartache isn't always bad. Still forcing a smile on my face, even when it's hard.

always.

For one so small, you seem so strong.

This bond between us can't be broken,

I will be here...

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on, Now and Forever more

You'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be in my heart, Always.

always & always.

visit #2

HAPPY EARLY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME! 

OH, and HAPPY BIRTHMOTHER'S DAY! 

(just thought I'd throw that in there so people outside of the adoption world would know)

Friday afternoon I got to see my sweet little Cash. We met at LDSFS and had a great visit. Just Y, S, Cash and myself. She wanted to spend some time together, just us moms, for Mother's Day. 

He wouldn't stay away from the water cooler ! Here he is giving me a face before reaching up and pulling the lever. He knew he wasn't supposed to! Such a mischievous little boy.

He loved being spun around with S in the chair, and every time he'd come around he'd give me a little face. This was one of  many different looks ! 

Crawling after his big sister! 

Big Yawns !!

 It was getting close to nap-time, so we had to say our goodbyes.

When Y was putting him in the carseat, Cash just stared at me and smiled. She shut the car door and the last thing I saw was his little face looking back at me. I pictured him thinking "Don't be sad, look how happy I am!" And look how happy that makes me.

I am TRULY grateful for Cash's adoptive parents. The fact that it was her that reached out to me for this visit means the world. They are amazing people, and I am so lucky to have a relationship with them. Y and I talked about many things that "friends" would talk about. I feel so comfortable around her, and she gives good advice. I know she would do anything for me.

We shared words that are very near to my heart, and I don't wish to write them on here because they are so special to me. This woman is such a light in my life, and I look up to her so much. I strive to live my life daily to become more like her, but I know I could never come close. Her love for her children is overwhelming. I found myself just looking at the three of them and being so happy. 

I feel at such peace. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type, but they are tears of joy. 

I have searched for answers for so long, and I have finally received them. 

I know why I went through what I did this past year and a half.

True, it hurt. A lot. It still hurts. It probably always will. 

But you know what ? 

It's. SO. Worth. It.

huge sigh of relief.

SO HAPPY TODAY. Indescribably happy.

G texted this morning asking me to call her when I had time. I immediately did, hoping that she had the pictures from D&Y for me.. She didn't..

She had even better news ! They have been waiting to send my update package until now because they are headed to my city this weekend to spend Easter with their families... And that's not all!  

I am meeting with Y and Cash next Friday. She wants to spend some "mother" time together with Cash for mothers day. 

I cannot tell you how much relief hearing this gave me. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I couldn't help but cry tears of happiness. 

I am so very grateful for these amazing people in my life. Their willingness to open their lives to me and share special moments together means the world. 

I will admit I got very discouraged when the package was late. But I know they would never let me down :) Just goes to show that you don't always know the reasons behind something, good or bad. I can accept a late update because it means I get to see the real deal in person :) One week! 

I can't wait to hold that little guy in my arms and tell him how much I love him. 

10 months.

MY LITTLE BUTTERFLY

You were finally here,
My little butterfly.

You were placed in my arms,

And I couldn’t help but cry.

You were so precious so beautiful.

I stared at you with pride.

Your hands so tiny,

Your eyes so bright.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And I knew it would be hard

To say goodbye.

I cried for you at night.

How could I let my

Little butterfly go?

Then I thought of the new world

You will see.

Of the loving parents that will

Take care of thee.

And I felt peace.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And no matter how hard it is,

I must say goodbye.

So, open your wings

And don’t be afraid to fly.

Fly away to a new life.

Where opportunities are

At every door.

And my love around every corner.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

But, quickly you left

To live your new life.

You’ll always be in my heart.

Your memory in my every thought.

Those tiny hands,

And bright eyes.

I will forever love you,

My Little Butterfly. © gina 2000

Birth Mothers Appreciation

Ok guys, I am super super excited about this post. My friend Ashley from my BM class at LDSFS came up with an amazing idea, that she was inspired of through Birth Mother Baskets. (To get the whole story behind her idea, read her blog here.) 

I can promise you all that without the support I received from G at LDSFS, and the girls in my class (Megan and Ashley), I would not have gotten through my difficulties the way I did. The woman who worked more independently with me, CP, made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that people outside my family loved me too. When I gave birth to Cash, the amount of love I received was overwhelming. An older couple gave me the book., "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours", which was what inspired the name of my blog. Another woman who recently lost her own child due prematurely, was thoughtful enough to send me a gift, even though she was suffering too. The list of support I received could go on and on. 

All of these acts of kindness really helped my grieving process. I realized that I did not have to hurt on my own, and that there were people watching over me and would do anything to help.

I want each and every young mother who is facing an unplanned pregnancy to feel the amount of love I felt from the people around me. 

You can imagine how happy I was that Ashley approached me with an opportunity to do just that! Finally I can feel like I am making a difference in the world, and have something good come out of the trials I have been through.

The project is called Birth Mothers Appreciation. Since every girl in these classes at LDSFS will be giving birth, we consider them all Birth Mothers, regardless of the decision they make after their baby is born.

What we will be doing is putting together things that will help with the adjustment process after birth. We are gathering personal testimonials from girls who have placed for adoption, chosen single parenting, or if they are raising the baby with the father. We will collect quotes, songs, books, journals, products for pampering, gift certificates, and for the mothers that are keeping we will give them gift certificates for places like Wal- Mart and Superstore and baby clothing stores to help with the cost of raising and feeding a child. Every basket will be filled with love and with things from people who have experienced these things before. We might even go in and talk to the girls and share our individual stories with them. Anything and Everything that will make these girl's lives a little easier to get through.

If you wish to share your story, have something to donate to our cause, or have quotes/songs that will be appropriate, please contact our group at :

BirthMotherAppreciation@groups.facebook.com

oh, they just forgot.

I texted my social worker yet again today, wondering if any pictures arrived. They hadn't, but she assured me she was trying to get to the bottom of things. (D&Y are not her "clients", so she had to go through a different office and contact their worker and sort things out) She said they had left several messages for them and hadn't heard back yet. Well she called me a minute later and said she just talked to their case worker and he said they hadn't looked at the agreement papers for awhile and had just forgotten to send me my update. I hope that was all that was behind it...
Gloria assured me that I would have something in a week, and that she reminded D&Y how important these updates are to birthmothers. We automatically assume things are wrong if something like this happens, just because we are so focused on the exact date we are supposed to receive pictures. When the 18th of March rolled around, I was SO excited, because I was expecting them any day.. now here we are nearly a month later and all that excitement slowly turned into anxiety and hopelessness. I thought they were withdrawing contact, when it was really something much simpler.
To a birthmom, waiting for an update of her child is honestly like a 6 year old waiting for Santa to bring her all her presents. You count down the days until your package arrives, and cannot wait to open it up and take a look inside.
Hopefully I only have another week until I can open my present :)

if I were to do it over..

Stefanie sent this question to me last week from the Birth Mom Missions page on Facebook. At first, it was almost a no-brainer. Then I sat there thinking for quite some time before I could actually pick my answer. 

If someone were to come to me now and ask me now If I'd do the same thing over again? As a birth mother with different experiences.. what would you say? 

-I'd keep my baby

-I'd do it all exactly the same 

-I'd do it the same, just have demanded my rights more

I miss Cash. No doubt about that. I have found myself getting .. jealous? over some of the young moms I know. It seems like everything worked out for them. I know it hasn't been easy, but that could've been me. That's what I think every single time I see a girl I know with her baby, all of whom were born in the same year as Cash. It could've been me. And sometimes, I think it should've been me. My main reason for deciding to place Cash in the beginning was because I didn't want him to be without a father. And here I am, a year and a half later, and still with his  birthfather. It's hard for us to be together without Cash, really hard. Both of us deal with different kinds of guilt over it still. Yes we are young, but we would be more prepared than some of our peers who are having children are. At the time though, there was no way we were ready for a baby. We still aren't ready, not for a long time. But I look back on it all, and I know we could've made it work. I don't have regrets, but I definitely think "what if."   

Would  I "demand" my rights more if I did it again? No,

I'd do it all exactly the same. 

I love and respect Cash's adoptive parents more than anything in this world. I do not wish to make them uncomfortable or offend them in any way, because they are the only thing connecting me to Cash, and that line can be very fragile. I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship that we have. There are a few things I would have done "differently" prior to placement, but never in a "demanding" way. 

The emotional and mental pain I have experienced is completely worth it when I stop my crying to remember why I did it. I did it for a darling little boy, who now has a life filled with opportunity ahead of him. I did it for two amazing people, who's dream in life was to have a son. I did it because I loved my baby and wanted the best for him. 

I miss him everyday. There are constantly moments throughout my day where I think about what life would've been like with him. My imagination paints up a pretty good picture, but I know that one day I will have that experience, when I am ready and able to give a child all that Cash has. 

This face right here is the reason.