#birthmomphotoaday14

Hey everyone ! So I have been a little MIA on the whole blogging front lately, and the other day I saw this challenge being shared on Instagram... I thought to myself, it would be a great way to share my story and get back into the blogging world ! When I started my blog FOUR years ago (Crazy right !) It was an extremely therapeutic form of healing for me, and although I am doing emotionally well now, I believe it will still be therapeutic for me to revisit the whole experience again. SO here it goes !! Over the next 3o days, I will be sharing a blog post that follows the above challenge. I will be posting a few photos on Instagram, but the majority of this challenge will be done via my blog. I am not 100% open with my adoption story on Facebook and Instagram (for many reasons, but mostly to protect the privacy of Cash and his family, and also because I am not proud of the fact I became pregnant as a teenager and don't believe the whole world needs to know my personal story) BUT November is National Adoption Month and I would like to bring more awareness to Adoption, and the wonderful thing that it is. Stay tuned as I complete this journey !! 

Happy 4th Birthday, Little Man

It seems that time passes by so quickly, and it isn't until Cash's birthday approaches each year that I realize the full extent of that. I cannot believe it has been FOUR years since I had that cute little guy. FOUR years since my life flipped upside down. 

In four years, the pain hasn't left- but it has lessened. 

In the past four years I have made peace with my decision, learned from my mistakes, and realized that I can't hold onto things I have no control over. Things are not ideal, and I wish that I had more involvement in Cash's life than I presently do. But I don't, and I can't be angry about that. 

Whether he is physically a part of my life or not, he is always part of it nonetheless. 

Four years later, I still think of him every day. No amount of time will ever change that.

So as hard as it is, I'm sending all of my love to him today as I always do. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASH. I WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU.

for my dad.

This post is about my hero, my first love, and my greatest fan. This is to the man who provided for his family in so many more ways than simply physical provisions. He has worked hard every day of his life, and even throughout difficult times, he always manages to keep laughing.
If you haven't had the privilege of meeting my father, you are seriously missing out. This man has a heart of pure gold, and is hilarious to boot. I know a lot of people feel this way about their parents, but I ACTUALLY have the best dad in the world. (Don't even try to fight with me on that one, because I will win haha) He would do absolutely anything for my siblings and I, and for anyone who needed him, for that matter. I have witnessed him countless times going to help a neighbour, whether they asked for it or not, and if he got a call from someone who needed him, he would drop everything and be there as soon as he could.

I can feel of a special bond that my dad and Cash share, even though their time together has been short. I know that it was very difficult for him to see me go through the experience that I did. I know that he would have been incredibly supportive if I had decided to parent Cash, just as he was supportive of my decision to place. Not once did he or my mom tell me what to do, and I am so grateful for that because it was 100% my decision and they allowed me that freedom. I have never once doubted that he or my mom loved me, because they show it in a hundred different ways. All throughout my life he made sure I knew how much he loved me. He was always writing little notes for me to find that said "I love you", and now that I am on my own he will send emails and texts randomly, just to remind me that he is thinking of me and loves me. But he doesn't have to tell me with words, because he shows it even more so with everyday actions and acts of service to remind me how much he cares. If I am ever feeling down, all I have to do is call my dad and he instantly will make me feel better, simply by reminding me of how lucky I am to have a man like him as a role model.

I would sincerely consider myself lucky to marry someone who is half the man my father is. He is understanding, selfless, loving, hard-working, funny, Christ-like, kind, and all around a genuinely wonderful person. As you can tell from this whole long spiel, is that I hold a very, very special place in my heart for this man. No one is perfect, but in my eyes he is pretty darn close. Every day of my life I feel of his unconditional love for me, and not a moment goes by that I am not grateful that I was sent to this earth to be raised by two wonderful parents. I am so blessed.

I LOVE YOU DAD! HAPPY FATHERS DAY.

i AM a mother.

Another Mother's Day has approached, which means another painful time of year for us Birthmoms. But this year feels different to me than previous years before. An account on Instagram has recently started trending #placed- that got me thinking about the terms we use to describe adoption, and why the negative connotation needs to be changed. I am tired of hearing the words "gave up". 

Birth mothers don't "give up" their children- We give them LIFE, we give them LOVE, we give them HOPE, and most importantly; we give them a FAMILY. Birthmothers put the needs of our children above the desires of our hearts, and just as our own mothers do every day of their lives, Birthmom's do what is best for our children, purely because of the pure love we have for them. Birthmother's sacrifice their own happiness, for the well-being of their children. We give a little piece of our heart that can never be replaced. We give another mother the gift she was always missing. We give & give & give & give- but we never GIVE UP. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I became a mother the moment I started carrying a child. I became a mother when I gave birth to a little boy and felt the same love all mothers feel for their children. I switched roles and became a BIRTHMOTHER during that sacred moment when I placed my son into his Mother's arms. No matter how untraditional the route was that brought me there, I AM still a mother. For a fleeting moment I played the active role of one, and now I get to watch my son from the sidelines.

 I am so deeply thankful for my experience, no matter how hard it has been. I am thankful for the beautiful woman who protects a part of my heart she gets to call her own- and that she gives that little boy SO much love. I am thankful that I call myself a birth MOTHER- and that no one can take that away from me.

So yes, there are still streams of tears falling down my cheeks- but they are there to remind me of what I GAVE. And that's what I will be focussing on this Mother's Day. It's still a painful day, but it is a happy day too. Wishing a very Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing women in my life who are mothers, each in our own unique ways. I love you all. 

reflection on the year

Isn't it amazing how time passes us by & nothing seems to change- & then you look back on a whole year & it seems like nothing is the same ?

I am terrible at journal keeping, so this post will be my journal reflection on the past year. No surprise that its late, but here is a list of my most memorable moments of 2013:

• Playa del Carmen, Mexico: attended a seminar hosted by Kerastase Paris for top salons in Canada. This was an amazing opportunity for me to gain knowledge from some of the top business owners in my industry, and also meet other beauty professionals from across Canada. This week was a great learning experience for me, as well as a lot of fun. Plus its Mexico- whats not to love about a trip there! 
• Toronto: Took a very intensive advanced hair cutting course- very very lucky to have a job that helps out with advanced education because I am very fortunate to have been able to take this class. & I just love downtown Toronto- the food, shopping, its all amazing ! 
• Attended my first Gala - I bought this amazing gold Ralph Lauren gown, and it was a happy moment for me because I almost felt like I was reliving my grad haha- as we all know, I was 9.5mos pregnant for my high school grad, and I didn't get to wear a dress that I normally would have picked out. So this was really exciting for me. 
• Palm Springs, CA: Weeklong vacation there and attended Stagecoach (Country version of Coachella)- I am a HUGE country music fan so this was an amazing experience !! I highly recommend going if you have the chance (as long as you can survive in 40 degree weather outside all day!- SO HOT)
• Vegas: I am in love with the Backstreet Boys (as you all probably know by now) and I was fortunate enough to be able to see them in VEGAS to celebrate my friends 25th Birthday, as well as a month late celebration of my 21st. Lets just say it was an absolute blast haha. We had so much fun at the BSB concert and then went to their after party and were just feet away from them. Definitely a major highlight of my whole year.  

Relationships - Some ended, and others began. I went through a very difficult breakup this year, and I actually couldn't be more grateful for that- as heartbreaking as it was. I learnt so many things through that experience, and I grew so much as a person after allowing myself to walk away from it. I realized what I truly wanted out of a relationship, and pretty much life in general. Yes, I made mistakes. But because of those, I realized what I needed to change in my own life and how I wouldn't allow myself to go through the same experience again.

In my career this year, I did some pretty cool things and furthered myself so much. Most recognizable was that I helped start up a new salon. This was a very challenging and exhausting, yet rewarding experience for me. I did things I never imagined I would do, and achieved some major things that I didn't imagine I would in 21 years of life haha. I pretty much spent my summer around the clock there- making sure construction was going as planned, deciding on changes, developing an operating system, hiring(sometimes firing), on and on… I put my heart and soul into that salon- And I couldn't be more proud of the outcome. I am truly blessed to be a part of a team where we are constantly striving to become better at what we do. We have a great support system, and everyone is willing to help out when needed. While my job is not always easy, it is definitely rewarding and enjoyable.

I definitely became more independent this year as well. I did things that were completely out of the ordinary for me, such as flying alone, snowboarding alone, etc. I realized that I do not need to depend on others- if I want to do something, I will dang well do it !! haha. I am learning to be more content with myself and being alone. This is a very big step for me, but necessary for my overall growth as an individual.

Well, it seems that growing up and getting older means that the dynamic of life changes too- I can't even count how many friends got engaged/married or are having/had babies in 2013. And to be honest- I am a tad bitter about the whole thing. I can't really explain my feelings towards why I feel the way that I do- I have been accused of jealousy and maybe thats true and I had been in denial about it until now haha… But heres the honest truth now- Yes, I am a little jealous. I had the opportunity to create a family for myself 4 years ago. I chose not to because I wanted more for myself, and for my child. That is something I stand behind 100% and would never go back on that decision. But the fact that people around me are getting married makes me bitter because I so wish that I had been in a different situation all those years ago. While I don't have a child now- In my mind and heart, I am a mother. I felt the same emotions any new mother would, and still feel that way sometimes. My heart and arms ache to have my little baby back again. So while I look at my friends new families, I am overjoyed for them that they have found happiness. But it is bitter-sweet, because I know that I have so much love to give, and no one to give it to. But of course, the time will come. (I guess I didn't learn patience this year.. haha)

2013 was a complete roller coaster ride for me. The girl I started 2013 as is not at all the same person who sits here now facing 2014. And that is a good thing. I faced numerous challenges this year that were extremely hard for me. 2010 was definitely the most difficult year of my life after the adoption of my son, but 2013 was pretty dang close. A lot of really hard things happened to me this year, and most won't be shared on here.. But I have learnt from those trials, and hope that they will shape my future so that I can create a positive outcome for myself. I lost myself for a good portion of the year, and it took hitting some serious road blocks to make me realize where I wanted to be, and what changes I had to make in my life to get there. Somehow, I pulled through these low moments and something good came out of each one of them once I made up my mind to find the positive hiding.
So, at the end of 2013, I am very content. I am happy with who I am, and where I am heading. Excited to see where 2014 will take me. I know it won't all be smooth, but I know that I can overcome whatever obstacles come my way. Bring it on, 2014- I'm ready for you !!

thanksgiving & an update !

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I sit here reflecting on what I am thankful for. But what do I have that I cannot be thankful for? Truly life has blessed me throughout my 21 years, and I can honestly say have nothing to be ungrateful for. Of course I have my hard days, as everyone does, but in the end I am lucky to have these challenges to help me continually learn as I go. Life is hard. But it is so beautiful at the same time :)

I spent a wonderful weekend back at home with my family, and it was 4 days of non-stop laughter, love, and fun. My best friend had a little girl a month ago, and my sister had a boy 3 days later. Cuddling with these little cuties was therapy for my heart, and I can't even imagine how much love I will have to share with children of my own one day. I look forward to that time down the road, when I am ready.

Well, a few weeks ago I received an amazing update from Cash’s parents, showing me through photos, videos, and words what a darling little man he is growing into.  So this thanksgiving, I am most thankful for the blessing that is my birthson & his family. I can't believe how much he has grown, I am so unbelievably proud of him and how smart he is becoming. He is talking in full sentences, riding a bike, and just being the most adorable little kid my eyes have ever seen. 

My heart is so very full of love and gratitude. Each time I receive these updates, it confirms once more that I made the best decision for him. I can’t imagine what his life would be like had it been any other way. I can feel of the love they have as a family, and they really do provide for him better than I could ever hoped for. My heart is filled with joy when I realize that I was the one who gave him the ability to have this life.

 I am so proud of my decision and I don't care who knows it! 

Cash knows he has 2 moms and 2 dads, who each love him unconditionally. 

What could be better than that? He is happy, and thats what makes me happy.

I am truly blessed.

rock bottom.

This post is not going to be fun. It's not about adoption, it's not about what I've been doing. 

It's about l i f e. And sometimes, life just s-u-c-k-s. 

I don't know how many people even read my blog any more. I kind of went AWOL these past 2 years, and I regret that now. I lost focus on what was important- which was focussing on myself & continually healing. I stopped searching within and figuring out all the emotions that were swirling inside. I kept everything bottled everything up for the past two years, until finally today it all came rushing out in a wave. Actually, more like a raging hurricane. Today, I hit rock bottom. 

I realized about a gazillion things that I have kept tucked away in this corner of my mind, not wanting to face the reality of them. This post is going to be 100% honest. And thats scary, and I might wish I hadn't done this in the morning, but for right now I know it needs to be done. 

I'm not complaining about my life, because I really am blessed & I feel truly grateful for what I have. That is not the issue here at all. This is about me having to come clean for myself, and for the ones I love around me. I'm breaking down all my walls and being completely vulnerable.

I think I'm going through my mid-life crisis at twenty-one. I know every young adult goes through hard times, and I am probably over-reacting about the state my life is in right now. But I feel like my world literally is crashing down around me, and 

I have no one to blame but myself. Which makes it even harder to accept. For those of you (if anyone is even reading this) who know me, you know how c r a z y my life is. I am a full-time university student and also work full-time as a hairstylist. Its exhausting. 

And until today, I thought it was more than possible to do both and still have time to stay sane. WRONG. so wrong. I am the farthest thing from sane right now. 

I am not capable of doing everything. There, I admitted it. And yes it was painful to write. Sometimes we have to learn how to say no. WE CANT DO IT ALL. 

Sometimes you just have to GIVE UP if you know that it isn't meant to be. But Why do we feel like we have to prove something to the world ? Why can't we just stand up and say "HERE I AM. THIS IS ME. & I AM PROUD OF IT"?! 

Why must we always be searching for the next thing to show everyone else that we are somehow better than they are? 

Sometime in the past three years, I changed drastically. I became a person that I was never meant to become. I looked in the mirror today and couldn't even recognize the girl staring back at me. 

I don't want to know who she is, because I don't like who she is. 

What happened to me ? I lost sight of what was important to me, and always has been. I was blindsided by a small taste of success, & I was focussing on this

  false image I had created of myself.

 (Example: Why do I feel it is necessary to own 58219 Michael Kors handbags ? Do you even know how ridiculously overpriced those things are? And yet here I am, acting like my budget actually is flexible enough to buy these bags to hold all the crap I think I have to carry around everywhere I go. I love my bags, I really do. But it is just NOT NECESSARY. )

I've been focussing so much attention on Material things, & not the things that truly make us Happy. WHO CARES HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE. Its what you do in your free time that shows how 'wealthy' you really are. And if you don't have that free time (like me) how do you expect to ever ENJOY LIFE ?

I need to make time for myself. I need to remember what it means to have a social life outside of work, to take the time to  S M I L E  and be silly. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be able to Make Memories & not look back on my life wishing I had taken MORE CHANCES.

God loves us no matter what. And right now, that is the only thing keeping me from checking myself into the loony bin. I know that when I fall asleep tonight, no matter how much despair I am feeling, there is someone who can take all this pain away. He is watching over me, and reminding me that I CAN DO IT. I can overcome this depression that has taken hold over my life, and He can make me whole again. He can ease my burdens & set me on the right track, with my head held high. And that right there, is what will get me through the coming days. 

Sometimes hitting rock bottom is a good thing. It makes you realize where you've been, what you're doing, and where you want to end up. And it gives you a firm kick in the butt to get you going there faster. 

birthday number three

 Happy Third Birthday, Cash. Even as I type that I still can't believe it has been this long. The memories of those few days we spent together 3 years ago will never leave me. The precise details are starting to slowly fade over time, but the feelings are as real to me today as when I first felt them. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the emotions I felt that day you came into the world. My heart was filled with such LOVE, joy and peace, as I knew that I was making the right choice for you. I feel so blessed to be a part of such an amazing spirits journey here on earth, and lucky that I am able to continue watching you learn and grow in this crazy thing called life. 

I loved you then, and I love you still. Always have, always will.

"Children and Mothers never truly part, bound together by the beating of one another's heart."

- Charlotte Gray

Happy Birthday, baby boy. Loving you today, and for always.