12,096,000

12, 096, 000

In exactly 3 hours, that will be how many seconds it has been since I had my beautiful baby boy. Thats how long I have spent thinking about him, because ever since that time he has always been on my mind. I think about him constantly, but especially around this time of every month. He is 5 months old today, I cannot believe how fast the time is coming.

I was having a difficult and emotional time last night and went upstairs to talk to my mom. All she has to do is look at me and know what's wrong. She knows just what to say to make me feel better. She told me to think of how I did the right thing for Cash, myself, and D&Y. That's really the only thing that gets me through the tough days. I think of how happy Cash is, and how well he is being taken care of. That's the single most important thing to me.. always has been. Since the day I found out he was coming into the world, everything has been about that little boy's success and happiness. 

So I admit that I am a serious Backstreet Boys fan, and this is my song for Cash. I listen to it at least once a day, and although its sad, it makes me happy. Its called Never Gone, and it brings me to tears nearly every time because every word fits so perfectly with what a birthmother feels for her adopted child. They are never truly "gone", and you can't just forget about the feelings and emotions a birthmom had for their baby. This song is absolutely perfect for memory of Cash on this day, and I hope you all think about it from my perspective as you read it. Its a beautiful song!

The things we did, the things we said

Keep coming back to me and make me smile again

I cherish every second I spent with Cash in the hospital. He made this little moaning/humming sound, and I still hear it when I try to sleep. I'll never forget it. I cuddle with a matching blanket and stuffed frog that I gave him and listen to a video I made of his humming at the times I miss him so badly I can't sleep. It comforts me and when I think of him, it just makes me smile. 

You showed me how to face the truth

Everything that's good in me I owe to you

He changed me into the person I am today. I really do owe everyone positive characteristic I have to that little boy. Because of him, I grew up and faced the challenges that were placed upon me with welcoming arms. My whole outlook on life changed, and I know its because of him. 

Though the distance that's between us

Now may seem to be too far,

It will never separate us 

Deep inside I know you are

Never gone, never far

In my heart is where you are

Always close, everyday

Every step along the way

Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye

I know you will be forever in my life...

Never gone

Cash will always be my baby, there's nothing that will change that. It is extremely hard for me to be apart from him, but he will permanently be a part of me, and my life. He is always in my heart- he is never far from me because of that reason. Yes, I had to say goodbye to him for a little while, but I know we will meet again. Either in this life or the next. June 20th was not the end for us. 

I walk alone these empty streets

There is not a second you're not here with me

The love you gave, the grace you've shown

Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone

At times when I have felt like I can't go on, or when it hurts so much I feel like giving up, I think of Cash and it gives me the strength to go on. I came too far to give up hope now, and I just want to make him proud and in everything I do. 

Somehow you found a way

To see the best I have in me

As long as time goes on

I swear to you that you will be

Never gone, never far

In my heart is where you are

Always close

Everyday 

Every step along the way

Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye

I know you will be forever in my life 

Never gone from me

If there's one thing I believe

I will see you somewhere down the road again

Never gone, never far

In my heart is where you are.