christmas.

This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life. 

I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs. 

My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well. 

I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day. 

On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after ! 

Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! 

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's. 

I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all.