Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas!

                        A Birthmother's Christmas

by Shonna K.

It was the night before Christmas
and all through the world
Birthmothers were praying
for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother
Was trying not to mourn
For this Christmas was the first
Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision
Was one for the best
She lights a candle in memory
Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle
flickers with light
The wind outside is howling
She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many
She will feel this great loss
For her child reaps the benefit,
She simply pays the cost

She takes out an album
And gently dusts off the cover
It is all she has left
To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo
of her little one
They are her only ties
To her precious son.

Silently a tear
Slips down her cheek
She wipes it away quickly
So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never
be the same again
She will always be thinking
of her little man.

She knows through her pain
For him this was right
But her unselfless deed
Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty
Her heart is still breaking
He is with somebody else
And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page
Of that dusty book
In his eyes, his little face
The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight
It is officially Christmas morn
The first that he's had
Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain
She can't hide her tears
This is the first of many
Long, painful years

But the light that she sees
At the end of all this
Is the smile on his face
He is truly blessed

With that thought
She slowly readies for bed
To sleep all night
Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down
And heads off to sleep
Knowing his memory
She will always keep.

Today was Cash's first Christmas, and to be honest- I wasn't necessarily sad all day because of it. Seeing him this week was the best Christmas present I could have received, and it gave me the comfort I needed. I think today would have been an extremely painful Christmas for me if I hadn't seen him and shared in some Christmas memories. Stef posted something interesting on her blog today. (Thats where I stole that poem from too !) It is so true that we mainly think of Christ at Christmas as a little child. This is exactly how I think of Cash. I still thought of him today while we were celebrating. I thought of how much differently things would have been had he been there too. I was sad for awhile when I thought of how he could have been right in there with his cousins opening presents. I know they would absolutely adore him. Brielle will be 2 in February and she just loves babies. She would be all over Cash, trying to take care of him! When I think about how one of those little kids are missing from our family, it does make me really sad. But I know Cash and his sister S had an amazing day today with D&Y, and got so very spoiled
I want to make Cash a part of my family traditions each year, so I put an ornament on the tree that says "The first steps a baby takes are into your heart", and it has a print of Cash's feet when we were in the hospital. I gave the same one to D&Y to give to Cash when he is older. I think I am going to give them ornaments every year. She collects them and I think it would be a nice thing for Cash to get when he is older. 
In all, my Christmas was not as emotional as I was expecting it to be. I know that my visit with Cash this week was the reason for that. I know he was being very loved today for his first Christmas, and thats what comforts me.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas, and kept Christ in your heart as you celebrated with your families.
Lots of love!  

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