christmas.

This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life. 

I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs. 

My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well. 

I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day. 

On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after ! 

Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! 

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's. 

I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all. 

18 months

I can't believe 18 months have passed since I gave birth to my dear boy. So tiny and perfect, he is quickly growing into a handsome little man. A year ago, these milestones would have affected me more than they do now, when the pain was fresher, deeper. While tears still slowly fall down my cheeks as I type tonight, I know that all will be okay. God did not send us here to struggle, he sent us here to learn and to grow. And that is exactly what Cash and I both are doing. 

" Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love "

Happy 18 months of life to my little angel

sharp knife of a short life

I had been reading a lot lately about mothers who lost their children. And I realized something that I hadn't really thought of before. I have said in other posts that giving a child up for adoption is like having a loved one pass away. But I am officially taking that statement back as of this moment.

I have a small idea of what losing a child feels like. But I realize now the pain really can't compare. My heart breaks for these women.. one, who's daughter was a stillborn, another who's premature twins died shortly after birth, and a single mom who made the heartbreaking decision to take her 18 month old off of life support. I cannot even fathom the emotions they were feeling, and are still going through. I have said that I lost a child. But I still have contact with him, and know he is being taken care of. These other mothers have trouble finding comfort in their pain, when there is only memories to hold on to. 

Just goes to show there are always people going through something harder that we are. 

Early Thursday morning of this week, 4 more mothers lost their children too early. All are grieving the loss of their son or daughter, and another is grieving for all 4 lives. I know that most of my followers are not from the small Southern Alberta city I come from, but the event that occurred this horrible night has grown into a national story, so I am sure most of you know about it by now. Hearing the news of these deaths really hit me when I first heard the names early Thursday, I didn't know them personally, but we had many mutual friends and I felt so sad for my childhood friend who was dating one of the boys that was killed. I had an immediate feeling of shock I felt when I heard the other name... I didn't believe it, and I still don't want to. My memories of Derek Jensen are completely different than the memories the world holds of him now. My heart aches for his family and the emotions they must be enduring right now. Words cannot describe how anyone involved with this tragedy is feeling, nor should we try to. May we remember these young lives the way we knew them here, and wait for our questions to be answered when we see them again.

Rest in Peace, Derek Jensen - Mitch Maclean - Tanner Craswell - Tabitha Stepple
<3

"Ultimate Sacrifice" by Madilyn Bailey

This song was written by a girl named Madilyn for her friend who was placing her child for adoption. It is so hard to find a good adoption song, but this is PERFECT. You all know I've been at a loss of words lately... so as usual here is a song that explains it all. How I felt 18 months ago as I was getting ready to place Cash into his mothers arms.

I can give you all the love you want 
But I know that'll never be enough
Because a home is made of more than just well wishing
And there are so many things I can't give to you that you'll be missing
I know that love isn't true unless it's unconditional
So I don't get to chose whether or not to love you 


So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right


I'll break my heart to make yours whole 
Cause it's the only thing I can do
This chance at happiness
Is the only thing that I can give to you
My heart can't ache any more than it does
This is the ultimate sacrifice for love



There's this little piece of me
That you took hold of the moment that you laid eyes on me
I know that struggle here is far from done 
But the memory of you will help me through
The hard days to come
And this grieving has made my heart so weak
Not sure if I'll ever be able to love someone
With the same intensity


So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right

The hardest moment of my entire life. 

everything you're thankful for

I came home from an incredibly long day at work today and was feeling a little grumpy. I could tell the grumpiness was going to be leading into a pity party for myself that evening as I walked through our back entrance. I got to the kitchen, only to find a disaster (as per usual... ha) and I grumbled a bit to myself, now understanding how my own mother felt when she arrived home and nothing had been done. I glanced at our white-board, where the sometimes bitter notes to each other usually sat, and read something that really softened my heart. My roommate Melissa had wrote, 

    

"What if You Woke up Tomorrow with Only the Things You Thanked God for Tonight ?" 

I really pondered this thought as the night progressed. (I still had a little pity party for myself, but it was necessary haha) I then turned it around to, "What if I woke up tomorrow without the things I forgot to thank God for tonight?" So often we don't think about the things we are truly grateful for, until a moment makes us realize it- and sometimes too late. Like the old saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." That's a pretty sad thought, if you ask me. There are so many things in this life I take for granted, and I don't want to anymore. I'm challenging myself- and all of you!- before you go to sleep at night, think of everything you are thankful for. Remind God (and yourself) of the things you don't want to wake up without. Maybe even make a list, and continue adding to it every day. I bet we could each fill an entire book of everything we are grateful for! 

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (even though Canadian Thanksgiving was last month, I missed it because I was in Europe), I will start my "thankful" list here, of the things I most definitely could not imagine waking up tomorrow without. 

1. I am most grateful to a certain blonde haired little boy, who completely turned my world up-side down. I could never in a million years imagine continuing life not knowing him. He did not make the decision to come here, but through being here he made me a completely different person. My whole perspective on life (and love) changed, and for that I am truly grateful. 

2. I can't imagine waking up tomorrow without my family, each and every single one of them. My dad, who has the biggest heart of anyone I know... My mom, who became my best friend when everyone else walked away. Those 6 adorable kids who call me "Auntie", the ones I would unquestionably give my life for- My sisters, my brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... the list could go on and on. I am super blessed to be born into the family I was, and I love each of them so very much.

3. I am thankful for my friends- there are a select few who stick out the very most to me, but each of my friends over the years has made a big impact on my life in their own way. Those friends who, when things got tough for me, didn't walk away. The ones who stood by my side in the face of adversity and pulled me through it, making sure we would make it out alright together. I am grateful for the friends who were forgiving, sometimes more than once, and who just wanted what was best for me- even if it wasn't always the easiest thing to do. 

4. I am grateful for the gospel in my life, and for the beliefs and values that I have. Although (clearly) I have faltered at times, I have never doubted what I know to be true. Without that guidance in my life, I honestly do not know where I would be at right now. Life would certainly be different thats for sure.

As long as I woke up every morning with these 4 things, everything would be alright. The material things in life really don't matter (although I am grateful for all of that, too!) So make a list, and make sure you think specifically about all the things you can't imagine living without. Thanks Mel, for giving me a little wakeup call ! 

just a blah day.

It's been a long time since I've made a post like this. I've been able to hold myself together pretty well, without many sad days. With each passing day, the pain gets more bearable. Every day still has heartache, but I learn how to cope when thoughts come into my mind... but that doesn't mean that it ever is fully erased from my mind, either. Little things trigger the hurt- tonight, I was reading a post my friend made on her boyfriends wall, who passed away 3 months ago in a car accident. Of course nothing was said about adoption, but whenever I read about other people's pain, it only brings back my own. 

I miss him purely for my own selfish reasons. I'm very lonely living away from home, and I wish with all my heart that I could just have him here with me. To smile up at me when I'm sad, to give me cuddles in the mornings, to know someone loves me unconditionally. All these things I picture him doing with his real mom, and sometimes I just wish I was her. I know I gave up the chance to do all these things, but that doesn't mean sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't. 

I guess I'm just rambling on and don't really have a point for this... I've been struggling with finding the words for posts these past few months. I feel like my mind has just shut off and is refusing to put my feelings into words. Blah. Hopefully have some real posts coming for you all soon.

Advice from Elder Busche

This video is a must-watch for everyone. A friend posted it on her facebook page when she was going through a hard time, and I clicked on it out of curiosity. Can I saw WOW? I really needed to see this video at this time, It totally helped me refocus and gain a new perspective on what I sometimes forget is most important in life. This video summed up everything that we need to remember, everything we need to do - to be happy. And thats what we all strive for, isn't it? Just watch, reflect, and learn. I loved this! Here are some quotes that especially stuck out to me personally: 

"In life, there have to be challenges that either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision on which road you will take." 

"God knows you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions where to approve. God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen and follow the uncomfortable suggestions He makes to us- Everything will fall into its place." 

"When you are compelled to give up something, or when things that are near to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better. 

Special Day!

I got to spend time on Saturday and Sunday with the most amazing people. Saturday was Cash's sealing, and all of Y's family was there to join in their special day. My parents were also able to attend the sealing, and Curtis and I waited for them to finish (since we were not able to go into the temple). 

It was so great to see them so happy. Cash has grown a ton in the few months since I saw him last !! I couldn't believe it. He is such a little man now, it was so fun to see how much he interacts with everything around him. 

Then Sunday I met up with them to get my 16-month update. It was so nice to just have a relaxed meeting with them this time without any certain expectations or pressure, we just talked as any friends or family members would. 

Cash's big sister, S, recognizes me now and is getting more and more comfortable around me every time I see her. I like that. Her BM isn't involved at all, so I am sort of taking a small role in her life where her BM would've been. It was working out fine for them before Cash came along, but now my active role in their life complicates the fact that S's BM has never been. the They send me a few individual photos of her along with Cash's, and I am more than okay with that. I have been meaning to write a post about S and her BM, so I will try to get along with that shortly. I just don't want S to feel left out because of all the attention Cash gets from us, so I try to talk to her as much as I can and include her in our visits. It's important to me that she has a good outlook on birthparents and adoption when she is older, despite her own situation with it.

I've said it a thousand times already, but I could never say it enough. I love this family of 4 so much more than words can say. We have a great relationship and I know it will only get better in the years to come. I am so happy that I get to see Cash grow up and know that he is so perfectly loved and cared for. I've never seen a parent look at their children the way D&Y looks at Cash and S. Its amazing to me. You can just tell they would do absolutely anything for them, and I know they already do. 

I have been through a lot of heartache and pain these past 2 years. To say that I still cry thinking about the day I let my little boy go would be an understatement. But then I have weekends like this where I see for myself how happy he is, and it affirms to me yet again that I made the right decision. These trials I went through happened for a reason, and they brought me to this amazing family for a reason. 

Here are some pictures from my great weekend!! 

Such a happy boy!!  

So interested in the things around him

Look at the pretty flowers mom! 

Reaching back for mom

Making faces at Grandpa! 

So intrigued with the leaf !

Just love this little boy to pieces.


"In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be"

He's a mischievous little boy thats for sure !!

But so, so happy. Look at that grubby little face !!
I couldn't imagine anything cuter <3