dear cash: mothers day

Dear Cash,
I'm curled up in bed tonight with the same blanket and stuffed frog I gave you the day you were born.. It makes me feel close to you. It's been almost 2 years since I became your birthmom. My second Mother's Day was no easier than the first, but between these tears that roll down my cheeks are smiles because I know you are so happy.

Cash, I hope you gave your mom an extra hug for me today. She sure is an amazing woman. You are so lucky to have her as a mommy. Each time I see you two together I am overcome with joy... she loves you so much, and its easy to see ! She once told me that as she takes care of you, she thinks of me and wonders if I would be happy with the way she is raising you. And Cash, I am. I couldn't imagine a better mother than yours. She loves you and your sister more than anything, and would give the world to you if you asked for it. I know with all my heart that she will help mold you into the perfect man you one day will be.

Although I could never compare to your mom, promise me you will always remember that you have two mothers who love you equally.

Happy Mothers Day, Y. I love you ! 

the agape project

This is an amazing video posted by a friend who is an adoptive mother. It touched my heart immensely, as I'm sure it will do the same to you. As Birthmothers Day and Mothers Day approach this weekend, let us remember everyone involved in the beautiful thing we call adoption. 

Agape ; Selfless LOVE of one person for another 

what is birthmothers day?

I found this great article online, and knew I needed to share it with all of you. This has made me feel a thousand times better about the upcoming holiday, and am so grateful for a group of women who recognized the need Birthmoms have. I hope this gives you all a better look at what Mothers Day is like for a Birthmother, and what our thought process is about the whole thing. 

What is Birth Mother's Day?

"Birth Mother's Day is a day to honor and remember the motherhood experience of birth mothers, the women who lost/placed their children in adoption. It is held on the second Saturday in May. Birth Mother's Day was created out of the shared recognition that Mother's Day is one of the most painful days of the year- second only to the birthday of our missing children. 

Most people are simply unaware that for the rest of their lives, many birth mothers feel sorrow, and love, for the children they have lost through adoption. This is partly because there has never been place or a way for birth mothers to tell their stories. Our pain has been made invisible by a society that tells us we can forget. Without permission to grieve by those around us, we have lived in isolation and silence with a great wound upon our hearts and souls. We have lived with the unspeakable sorrow of a mother's loss, a mother who lives separated from her child.

Despite this invisibility, and denial, birth mothers are mothers. We are not egg donors, or baby making machines. We have names and faces, hearts and stories. The process of pregnancy and the act of birth are profound life-changing experiences. 
The birth experience impacts a woman for the rest of her life. Connections of heart, spirit, and biology are forged. Eternal connections are made that cannot be dissolved by ink and paper. When birth is followed by the abrupt loss/separation from one's child, a mother is plunged into the most difficult of human experiences- grief, loss, despair, shame, and failure. This is the traumatic aftermath of an adoption decision for a birth mother. It is with her the rest of her life. 
Some birth mothers ultimately find peace with the adoption decision, but even more live with it as an open wound. It is a wound for which little understanding or help has come from those who advocate, facilitate and profit from adoption

Mother's Day brings a birth mother's feelings and memories rushing forward like the tide. Most of us have endured this annual event in isolation, invisibility, silence and secret grief, acknowledging our motherhood and our absent child only to ourselves. Birth Mother's Day was created to help birth mothers move through this torrent of memory and feeling. It is a way to take back our rightful name of Mother and to celebrate ourselves as birth givers- the ones who give life. It is a way to expand the celebration of Mother's Day to make it inclusive of all the mothers in our communities. It is a day to remember and to celebrate the birth of our children- an experience many of us were denied. In doing this we affirm our connection and feeling for our children. We create a space to tell our stories and become fully human again- with names, faces, voices and compassion for ourselves and our experiences.

Birth Mother's Day is held on the day before Mother's Day.  A separate day allows all of the feelings to be acknowledged, especially those that are painful and rooted in grief. Birth mothers who have had other children expressed feeling torn between the Mother's Day celebrations of the children they are raising and the memory of the child who is absent. A separate day allows for observance and expression of both circumstances.

Our motherhood comes first and makes possible the motherhood of another woman- the adoptive mother. If we had not given birth, there would be no child for the adoptive mother (and father) to parent. Observing Birth Mother's Day on the Saturday prior to Mother's day symbolically represents this reality. Adopted children have two mothers. Our shared child links us one to one another. The intention is not to detract from those who are parenting our children, but to make this annual observance inclusive of all the mothers in the lives of our children and our communities. Observing Birth Mother's Day could also create a time for families of adopted children to talk openly about birth families and the ways we are all connected to one another through our children.

Mother's Day was originally founded by Julia Ward Howe, as a day for peace, in which the mothers of the world would commit themselves to peace by not allowing their children to kill another mother's child in war. This commitment was based on the shared understanding of a mother's love and the terrible grief of losing a child. In recognizing the love and the sorrow of birth mothers, Birth Mother's Day can be seen as an act of peace-making and healing. It stands in contrast to an adoption system that has been built upon the destruction of the birth family relationship, destruction with consequences for the adoptive family as well. Truth cannot be whole without all its parts. People cannot be whole without all the people who love them. 

mothers day; to celebrate, or not to celebrate

I'm having a really hard time with the fact that mothers day is a week away... It seemed to come so fast ! 

Last year mother's day was a really bitter-sweet event, as I'm sure this year will be too. I woke up and had to force myself to get out of bed and put a happy face on.. which I have evidently become very good at doing, ha ha. My own mother was perhaps the only one who acknowledged that this day would be difficult for me, and she got me a small gift that meant a lot. (A charm for my Thomas Sabo bracelet) We went to my sisters for dinner, and on my way there I received a phone call from a really special person, who is serving a mission for my church. I felt Gods hand in my life that day, because that call was exactly what I needed. I continued throughout the day with a smile on my face, celebrating my sisters, mom, and grandma.. while trying my hardest to fight through the real emotions I was feeling. 

As this mother's day approaches, I have the same anxious feeling about it and I already dread having to drag myself out of bed. (But of course, I will.) I feel so much pressure to act like everything is okay and that "mothers day" is just another day to me- but in truth, it is far from. How sad is it that a holiday can bring up so many painful memories! The world does not acknowledge "birthmothers" on "mother's day" and it hurts me to say so. I feel that as birthmothers we are forgotten on this day, when we need some extra love and support. I will be the first to admit that I am not Cash's "mom", and I don't try to be. But I hate pretending to overlook the fact that I was a mother for 9 months. That I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and was his mother for 3 days. 

My question to you is this:  As birthmoms, should we celebrate Mother's Day or not? I've been struggling with the answer to this for 2 years now, and have yet to come to a conclusion. 

So until I decide, in a week's time I will be wishing all my friends and family a Happy Mother's Day, while selfishly hoping someone will be thinking of me, too. 

panel question #1!

I am excited to be on a birthparent panel, over at Birthmothers4Adoption. Here is the first set of questions I was asked to answer :)

Are you a birthmother or birthfather?

I am a birthmother to a little boy, born June 18, 2010

How long ago did you place?

I placed just over 19 months ago.. the date was June 20, 2010

Is your adoption open or closed?

The adoption with my son is fairly open. In our agreement, his adoptive parents are required to send updates at set intervals throughout the year, which gradually decrease to Once a year until he is 12. I have been fortunate enough to have had a few visits with them since he was born, and if I am the one to reach out and email/text them they will respond. We respect each other's boundaries, and do things that are only in our sons best interests. I understand that they are a family, and I don't impose on that. I wait for my updates, and sometimes I get to see him in between :) I am completely content with the amount of openness our adoption has, I think it is a safe happy-medium between the two, and is perfect for all of us. 

How/Why did you choose adoption?

I chose adoption for a number of reasons. The biggest one was because the birthfather was not mature enough at the time to be a good dad, and I didn't want to risk my child growing up without a father. I wanted my child to grow up in a really stable, loving environment. We were teenagers, and neither one of us was prepared to give our son the life we so badly wanted for him. So we went out to find the ones that could! There are other reasons, more difficult to explain. I have very strong spiritual beliefs, and in my heart I just knew that my child was not sent here for me, rather to a family who had been praying for his arrival. It made my hard decision a lot easier to bear, knowing God was on my side.  

What can adoptive couples do to help in the hospital/at placement?

My adoptive parents were great at the hospital and at placement. They came and saw him when he was about 10 hours old, and only stayed for a little while. They respected the short time I had to be with my son, and knew that they would have the rest of their lives to share with him. Seeing them together as a family was an amazing experience though, and it really reinforced my decision. The adoptive parents were not pushy at all. They acted as if he was only my child and they were just visiting, which I appreciated. It helped me trust them, and know that no matter what, they held my best interests and feelings at heart, even if it was hard to do. I believe it is important for the parents to come visit, but not to overwhelm the birthmother. That short time is all she has with her baby and it is so hugely important to her- she will cherish those moments for the rest of her life. At placement, the adoptive parents gave me and the birthfather special gifts that had great meaning. I treasure those items more than anything, and it always reminds me of the amazing experience placement was. To adoptive couples- please. Do not get greedy. I know you want to hold that baby so much, but use all of your willpower to stop yourself from grabbing him. Be patient. These few minutes will be the hardest thing that girl will ever have to do in her entire life. She will feel when the moment is right, and pass your child into your arms. Allow her to take as much time as she needs.

How did you find/choose the adoptive couple?

I went through an adoption agency, LDS Family Services, and they gave me portfolios of potential adoptive couples to look at that fit my requirements. 

What appealed to you most of their profile/blog/information packet?

What I loved about it was just how perfect they were to me. The mother spoke of her daughter's birthmother and how much love they had for her, and I imagined myself being talked about like that too. Nothing was special about their profile, it was just "real". I immediately fell in love with them. They were not anything that I was expecting, nor what I was looking for. But I just knew they were the right family. It does not matter what your profile looks like, what your blog says, or what's in your information packet. Birthmothers fall in love with the feelings, not the words. It's the voice we hear deep inside that tells us "this is the one". Don't stress about what to put.. you will be lead down the right path to each other, no matter that. Be patient. Perfection takes time, but I promise you will find it.

god gave me you.

Someone asked me two days ago, "If you could go back, would you? Would you make it so you wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Cash?" I stopped briefly to think about this, but without much hesitation I came to my answer. No, I wouldn't want to take it back. I was in a bad place. I knew I wasn't living life the way I wanted to, but I didn't know how to get out. I had a bad attitude towards everything in general, and I just plain wasn't happy. I cared about what everyones opinion of me was, without remembering what was really important. Then this little boy came into my world, and everything turned upside-down. Being the only pregnant one in highschool didn't make it easy to blend in. All attention was on me, so I no longer could be self conscious and worry about what others were thinking. I now knew what they were thinking. I embraced my belly and became confident with myself. I became optimistic. Most importantly, I became happy. I had a direction I was headed in, and I wasn't going to let anyone bring me down. I strongly believe that God sent Cash here to give me a wake up call and help me realize what I wanted out of life. Cash was my chance to start over, and my opportunity to learn so much from. I had to take time to look at the big picture, and I am deeply grateful for the experiences I had. I know I've said it a thousand times already but I will keep saying it for the rest of my life. No, having a child at 17 is not something I would recommend doing... haha. But I could never regret having that little boy. He's given me so much, without even knowing it. Here's a song that fits perfectly with the way I felt when asked this question- 

For all the times I felt cheated
I complained, you know how I love to complain
For all the wrongs I repeated
Though I was to blame, I still cursed that rain
I didn't have a prayer, didn't have a clue
And then out of the blue

God gave me you to show me what's real
There's more to life than just how I feel
And all that I’m worth is right before my eyes
And all that I live for, though I didn't know why
Now I do, cos god gave me you

For all the times I wore my self-pity
Like a favourite shirt, all wrapped up in that hurt
For every glass I saw, I saw half empty
Now it overflows like a river through my soul
From every doubt I had, I’m finally free
And I truly believe

God gave me you to show me what’s real
There’s more to life than just how I feel
And all that I’m worth is right before my eyes
And all that I live for, though I didn’t know whyNow I do, cos god gave me you

God gave me you to show me what’s real
There’s more to life than just how I feel
And all that I’m worth is right before my eyes
And all that I live for, though I didn’t know why
Now I do, cos god gave me you
God gave me you

-- Bryan White                                                        

christmas.

This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life. 

I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs. 

My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well. 

I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day. 

On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after ! 

Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! 

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's. 

I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all. 

18 months

I can't believe 18 months have passed since I gave birth to my dear boy. So tiny and perfect, he is quickly growing into a handsome little man. A year ago, these milestones would have affected me more than they do now, when the pain was fresher, deeper. While tears still slowly fall down my cheeks as I type tonight, I know that all will be okay. God did not send us here to struggle, he sent us here to learn and to grow. And that is exactly what Cash and I both are doing. 

" Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love "

Happy 18 months of life to my little angel