Monday, December 1, 2014

Day 11: life before adoption


My life before adoption was an unhappy, disasterous place. I had been making choices in the years prior to my pregnancy that were not setting me up to be on a path much different from where I ended up. I was definitely influenced by my friends at the time, but I would never say they were at fault because I had the Agency to make these choices on my own. Although during those years I was experimenting with things I should not have been, in the back of my head I always knew that it was wrong, and that I needed to live a better life. But I thought I was fine, that I was still hanging onto some of my beliefs and values, and that what I was doing was really "not that bad". And then I experienced something as a result of a poor choice that sent my whole world into a downward spiral. I became angry, and didn't know what to do. So I turned away from the things and people who would make me happy, and I continued to make wrong choices, because I figured- why not. I hurt a lot of people along this path, and for that I am truly sorry. I was in a dark place, and not thinking of how my actions were affecting others. I lost myself for a good portion of that year-I didn't know where to go, or who to turn to... and then one day, it all changed. No longer was it about me.

When I found out Cash was coming into this world, it was as though everything snapped into place. I realized that I wasn't capable of giving him the life he deserved, and so I set out to give him that, no matter the cost. I was determined to keep my head high, and do what I could to make Him proud. My priorities changed, and the overall way I looked at life shifted abruptly, I truly realized what was important, and what was not.

Life before adoption was hard. Life during the process was even harder. But sitting here today, I can say it was all truly worth it. That little boy changed me for the better, and made me the person I am today. I am so grateful.