Sunday, November 28, 2010

how people reacted to adoption.

I wrote this for Stefanie's blog on the negative or postive things that were said when I told people that I was placing. I've added in some other things that I recently thought of.

People just always kind of knew I was planning on placing my baby for adoption. I don't know how, but I didn't really have to come straight out and tell everyone, especially at school. Word travels fast when you're the only pregnant girl at a high school, so I guess the news that I was placing travelled with it. Which didn't bother me any, because it was kind of awkward to tell people. I guess I just felt bad about it- I knew the truth about adoption, but there are many misconceptions and people tend to think it is such a negative thing. (I hope that my story has helped clear up some of those though!) 

I guess most recently I have had to deal with telling people more because I started college where no one knew me, or what had happened. I started school the day my baby turned one month old, so it was pretty fresh in my mind. We had to introduce ourselves and say 7 things about us. My things included one big one- that I had a month old son. Thats when the girls started asking questions.. like "how can you be away from him all day?" or, "don't you feel bad leaving him so young?" and at that point I wondered if I should have told them. But I realized they would eventually find out because I was spending the next 9 months with the same 20 girls, so I was very open with my story.  I shortly explained that I had placed him for adoption, and the questions stopped. I think they just didn't know what to say, because they didn't know me very well yet. But now we talk very freely about it, and I allow them to ask any questions they want. One girl recently asked "WHY." Just straight up, "Dallas, why did you do it." I could tell she was probably judging me a little bit for it, because adoption isn't something common here in Canada. I was a little offended because of the tone in her voice, but I looked right in her eyes, and firmly stated that it was the best thing for my son and I knew he was meant for the family he is with. I think it softened her outlook on it, and we have discussed it more now. 

Honestly, people never really said much to me about my decision. I'm sure they talked to each other behind my backs, but never to my face and I am thankful for that. I felt as though I didn't owe an explanation or apology to anyone. It was a personal decision based on the overall well-being of my baby, and there were so many reasons for it that I couldn't say in a single way "why." It definitely helped that throughout my pregnancy everyone was positive. But I felt so good about it, that I probably wouldn't have cared if anyone had been negative towards my decision. There are a few things that really bothered me about what people said. 
Some thought I was being selfish and placing my son for adoption just because I didn't want to have a child. Well hey, not true at all. This may be biased, but to me adoption is the most self-less thing any parent can do for their child. I went through hell and back to give Cash the life he deserved.. I cried countless tears over the loss I felt simply for his eternal gain. If I was concerned about my own feelings, I would have kept him so I wouldn't have to feel those pains. It would have been so much easier at the time. Another thing that upsets any birthmom is when people say adopted children never fit in with their adoptive families. I disagree. I believe anyone will be molded and shaped to their surroundings, and to me, Cash's 'family' is the one he was raised in, not the one he is biologically from. 
A month after placement, I posted a picture of Cash of facebook. I wanted my friends and family who didn't see him at the hospital to see a picture of him, because he was a big part of their lives for those 9 months. Well I guess that didn't sit well with some people, and someone close to me said that it was "weird." She said that when I "gave him up", it made Cash D&Y's child and basically told me that I should let it go. She said I was sharing him with them, and that talking about him, seeing him, and having contact with his parents made things harder on me. Well as you can imagine, that didn't sit well with me. Never, ever, tell a birthmother what they are feeling. Until you are in the position, you have no idea what we are feeling. I have never "shared" Cash with them.. obviously I knew what I was doing when I signed the relinquishment papers. I signed all my parental rights over to them. No sharing there! I agree fully when she said he's their child, but I can't just act like it never happened, because it did. I won't ever just "get over it". Talking about him, seeing pictures, and having contact with his parents makes the hurt bearable. And after placement, I started doing whatever made ME feel better- I had to take care of myself. So what if people thought something I did was weird- if it helped with the hurt, I didn't care what others thought. Times have changed, and adoptions are no longer kept on the down low. It killed me to hear what this person was saying. We had a pretty bad argument, but it was so frustrating to me because she had never bothered to talk to me about things before. If you aren't educated on adoption, or know exactly what situation the birthmother is in, DO NOT say your opinions to her. 
Decent people don't intentionally set out to be offensive to birthparents, but the majority of people just don't understand what adoption is really like now, so they say things without thinking. They just have the wrong impression of it. 
 It is my hope to educate as many people as I can about the positivities of adoption so birthmothers like myself won't be hurt by uneducated comments, and change the way the world views it. But in the end, what other people think and say doesn't matter. Words can hurt, but there's nothing greater than the joy you get when you know you did the right thing for your child. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

hoping to adopt:

This is my first ever guest spotlight, and are they ever an amazing couple! Crystal and JD have been married for almost 5 years. They love to spend time together, especially with their 2 ridiculously cute children! Its a funny story how we met.. but it was because of that meeting that I learnt they were interested in adoption. Crystal recently started a blog, and you can read more about their adorable family there. Here is their story, in her words: 

"First of all, I have to thank Dallas for inviting me to post on her blog! It’s a lot more difficult to post on someone elses blog than your own, ha ha...I feel like I have to sound so much more concise and intelligent, lol. Anyways, this post is on our perspective on adoption and our story. So here goes:

Well, our story is largely unwritten. Who knows what the future holds for us. All I know is that I have always wanted to adopt....for as long as I can remember.
Having people close to me, throughout the years, that were involved in the adoption process, made my desire to adopt even stronger. I only hoped that I would marry a man that wanted the same things I did. My husband had never really thought about adoption before we got married, but as we pondered and discussed, we both realized that this was something we somehow knew would happen in our family one day.

Thinking back on it now, I always thought that adoption is something that we would do in the future, far future, after we had several children first...that just seemed like the most probable way it would happen. My thinking was based along those lines because we don’t have a problem with infertility. I know that most families involved in adoption do so because they can’t have their own children. I feel like we desire to do so because we have been lead to this decision through certain events and promptings in our life, and we realize what a blessing it can be. We believe that the children that we are blessed with in this life, by whatever means they come to us, will be with our family forever, eternally bound to us.
Even though we can have our own biological children too, I know that one day we will be blessed with a child through adoption. We have had certain difficulties with having children and we feel like if we wait for a while that the next pregnancy will be much healthier. So, now we wait....patiently. Throughout this process we pray constantly about what the next step is for us. For now, we feel like waiting, and not starting the process through any sort of adoption agency, is the right thing to do. I feel that one day we will be blessed with a baby, even though it may be a difficult and long process.

Whether or not it will happen soon, or in the future, is not up to us, but we know that if we continue in faith that someday we will be blessed with the desire of our hearts.

Reading and learning about different adoption stories makes it feel so much more real. I truly appreciate hearing about other stories. There are no words to describe what a selfless act it is for a birth-mother to bless another family in that way. Adoption is a beautiful gift, for all those involved...and one day we know will be blessed too."

Sunday, November 21, 2010


Yet again I have realized I have an amazing set of adoptive parents in my life. Curt texted me last night after his hockey game in High River, saying something amazing happened and he couldn't wait to tell me. Don't ask me how but I honestly just knew what had happened before he even told me. D showed up, unexpected, at Curt's hockey game last night. It was the first time he had seen D since placement. Like I have said in previous posts, D is a huge hockey fan and he took alot of steps and effort to find out where Curt was playing so that he could watch. Curts dad Ken, saw D and was shocked. He went up and said "hows that grandson of mine" and D immediately hugged him. They talked throughout the whole game, and D was so proud of Curt when he scored. He called Y to tell her! haha. He said he was going to bring Cash to watch too but he was being grumpy.. he thinks he's teething already! Curt scored a few times and felt to happy to see D in the stands. He kept the puck after the game (even though they lost haha) and wanted to give it to D to give to Cash. But he had already left by the time Curt got out there, so he didn't even talk to D! But it meant the world to Curt to see him come to one of his games, without planning it with us first. Curt plays next saturday in the place Cash lives, (almost 2 hours away from me) and D says they are coming to watch. I am planning on going too.. I haven't decided if I want Cash to be there or not. Of course I want to see him, but I don't know if at a hockey game is the best place to hold him for the first time since I placed him into Y's arms. I "accidentally" saw them when Cash was two weeks old. We were at a parade in a small town, sitting directly across from each other. I saw a little girl in pink run out into the street to grab some candy. I thought "weird, that looks like S!" and then I saw D.. and looked over to see Y holding Cash in her arms. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. For the entire parade I just watched their little family from across the street. I was amazed at the level of love D showed playing with S and her cousins, and Y as she fed little Cash. Her whole family was there, and they kept coming over to look lovingly on the new addition to their family. I really feel like I was meant to see them, without them knowing I was there, to get that confirmation yet again that I made the right decision. It had happened so recently, and I was obviously still struggling with my emotions. But I didn't cry that day- I felt such peace and happiness while I looked on. I was with my best friend Karlee, and she kept telling me to go over and talk to them. I thought about it, but finally decided that I needed to give them their space and it was alright for us to leave without saying Hi. Looking back, I wish I had gone over. But I didn't know how they would react to my being so close to Cash so soon, and I didn't want to step on any toes. It was so good for me to see him, even from a distance, and feel at peace with my decision. That was all I needed! 
Anyways, I am looking forward to seeing D next weekend and talk to him about our boy. If he brings Cash I will be so excited- but if he doesn't, that is ok too. We have an open adoption, but I have just been giving them their space and waiting for them to come to me when they want me to see him. At this point, I am leaving it up to them to decide when the best time will be. It will be an amazing day, whenever it is! 

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I feel so lucky today to have an open adoption. I got an email from Y, and it absolutely made my whole day. I didn't have an emotional day like I usually do on anniversaries like this, but I wasn't necessarily having a good day either. But as soon as I saw that email when I got home, my whole day seemed like a great one. I decided to share it here so that you all can know how my little one is doing :

Today Cash is 5 months old and I have given him even more hugs and kisses from you to celebrate. We are snowed in here in the country but inside our home is warm and filled with love and peace. Cash just finished a big bowl of banana rice cereal mixed with strawberry preserve. It is his favorite and he eats it with gusto as he sits in his high chair. He entertains himself with a bunch of toys I scatter on the table top and he alternates a scoop of cereal with one of his toys in his mouth. By the end of the meal he has joyfully knocked every toy to the floor. He is so smart and filled with enthusiasm for life. While other babies his age are still curled up in car seats fast asleep, Cash is wide awake and discovering life. He smiles all the time and giggles at games of peekaboo and duck noises. Last week at his first checkup with the family doctor, the nurses all oohed and aahed him calling him the cutest baby they had seen all week. I imagine all the other ladies with babies in the waiting room may have been a little offended, but it was so obviously true. I hope and pray that you feel peace today and always knowing that Cash is so very deeply loved and he will always know how much you love him.
Sending all our love to you!

She is just an amazing woman and I love her so much. That was exactly what I needed to hear, especially today. It makes the loss of him lessen when I get updates like this, because I can picture him and it makes me feel like I am there with him while he grows up. I will never miss out on any special events in his life, because I know his mom and dad will always keep me in touch with him. I definitely could not have gone through with adoption without the affirmation that I would be involved in my child's life still. I don't know how women placed their babies for adoption years ago when there was no open adoption. I couldn't live not knowing where my son was- if he happy, or if he was even alive. Some of these birth moms didn't even see their child after it was born, or know if it was a boy or girl. I am so glad that times have changed and adoptive parents realize it is important for both the child and birthparents to have contact so there aren't any unanswered questions. It is hard enough to grieve over the loss of a child as it is, but it makes it a little bit easier to have the knowledge I do that Cash is being well taken care of and loved. As long as he is happy, I am happy! That's what has always came first to me. So today, instead of grieving I am rejoicing for the openness I have with Cash and for the comfort I have found in knowing exactly what he was doing today while I was thinking of him. 
Life is good.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


12, 096, 000

In exactly 3 hours, that will be how many seconds it has been since I had my beautiful baby boy. Thats how long I have spent thinking about him, because ever since that time he has always been on my mind. I think about him constantly, but especially around this time of every month. He is 5 months old today, I cannot believe how fast the time is coming.

I was having a difficult and emotional time last night and went upstairs to talk to my mom. All she has to do is look at me and know what's wrong. She knows just what to say to make me feel better. She told me to think of how I did the right thing for Cash, myself, and D&Y. That's really the only thing that gets me through the tough days. I think of how happy Cash is, and how well he is being taken care of. That's the single most important thing to me.. always has been. Since the day I found out he was coming into the world, everything has been about that little boy's success and happiness. 

So I admit that I am a serious Backstreet Boys fan, and this is my song for Cash. I listen to it at least once a day, and although its sad, it makes me happy. Its called Never Gone, and it brings me to tears nearly every time because every word fits so perfectly with what a birthmother feels for her adopted child. They are never truly "gone", and you can't just forget about the feelings and emotions a birthmom had for their baby. This song is absolutely perfect for memory of Cash on this day, and I hope you all think about it from my perspective as you read it. Its a beautiful song!

The things we did, the things we said
Keep coming back to me and make me smile again

I cherish every second I spent with Cash in the hospital. He made this little moaning/humming sound, and I still hear it when I try to sleep. I'll never forget it. I cuddle with a matching blanket and stuffed frog that I gave him and listen to a video I made of his humming at the times I miss him so badly I can't sleep. It comforts me and when I think of him, it just makes me smile. 

You showed me how to face the truth
Everything that's good in me I owe to you

He changed me into the person I am today. I really do owe everyone positive characteristic I have to that little boy. Because of him, I grew up and faced the challenges that were placed upon me with welcoming arms. My whole outlook on life changed, and I know its because of him. 

Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far,
It will never separate us 
Deep inside I know you are

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way

Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life...
Never gone

Cash will always be my baby, there's nothing that will change that. It is extremely hard for me to be apart from him, but he will permanently be a part of me, and my life. He is always in my heart- he is never far from me because of that reason. Yes, I had to say goodbye to him for a little while, but I know we will meet again. Either in this life or the next. June 20th was not the end for us. 

I walk alone these empty streets
There is not a second you're not here with me
The love you gave, the grace you've shown
Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone

At times when I have felt like I can't go on, or when it hurts so much I feel like giving up, I think of Cash and it gives me the strength to go on. I came too far to give up hope now, and I just want to make him proud and in everything I do. 

Somehow you found a way
To see the best I have in me
As long as time goes on
I swear to you that you will be

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are

Always close
Every step along the way

Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life 

Never gone from me
If there's one thing I believe
I will see you somewhere down the road again

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." 
I decided to post today about change. Its a pretty big topic I know, but I've been thinking a lot about the word lately and I want to share my thoughts. 
I am nothing like the girl I used to be. And that is a good thing.. I was so caught up in everything that just didn't matter. I thought only of myself, and because of that I hurt a lot of people. 

Through the mistakes I have made, I really HAVE found out who I am - and who I'm NOT. I found out who the people around me really were. I have grown to love MYSELF, and the people who love me. I lost many friends, but I've gained many and the have grown closer to the ones I already had. I became WAY closer to my family. I see the mistakes I have made over the past few years as blessing to my life because I have grown dramatically from them and they have shaped me into the girl I am today. I could have turned the opposite way and decided to hate my life, but I chose to make the best of my situation. And here I am today, happier than I have EVER been.. thats the truth! I am proud of the person I am today. And I owe that all to the life situations I have faced. It turns out, that maybe you just have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a mistake to figure out how to make things right again. Mistakes and changes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are. 
I really like the analogy of a butterfly. Here is a thing so beautiful, yet we never stop to think of what it was like before it became a butterfly. If you ask me, a caterpillar is not that pretty! haha. Just like my life was before I had to make some changes. But all it takes it some time, energy, courage, and patience to make those "ugly times" morph into something beautiful. 

labor and delivery.

So, I got all 4 wisdom teeth out on Friday. Although I am quite zonked out still on Tylenol 3s, it might not make much sense and I will edit it as soon as I quit taking them ahhaha. Well I was rather scared going into it, but turns out it was a piece of cake! I have never been through any sort of pain before I had Cash, so getting my wisdom teeth out was the next biggest thing and it got me thinking and I decided to post about my labor/delivery. It might contain too much information, but its an important part (duh!) of my story. So here goes.
My due date was June 17th, 2010. I woke up that morning around 11:00 and had really bad back pain. I figured it was nothing, since my back had been hurting for quite awhile. My mom was at work, and I didnt want to bother her. So I layed on the couch in a lot of pain for all morning/afternoon. My dad and brother came home for lunch (they own a contracting business, and the shop is in my backyard so they come in often) and my brother came down and watched some of the movie with me. I was  trying hard to hide my pain, but I think he could tell something was wrong. As soon as they left I called my mom and told her what was going on. She said she would come home but I told her I was okay. (I might have lied, haha) So she came home around 4 and realized that I was in a lot of pain. I had been timing my contractions all day, and they were roughly 5 minutes apart for the whole time. Some were just in my back, but then I would get them in my stomach everyone in awhile as well. Let me tell you, that wasn't fun! We did all we could at home.. I rolled on a big exercise ball, had a shower and bath, got a massage from my mom.. but eventually came to the realization that THIS WAS IT. I did my hair and makeup before we went into the hospital haha.. I couldn't look gross in the pictures! So in between contractions I packed our bags and off we went. I was nervous, to say the least. I wasn't necessarily scared of the delivery, because I had researched a lot of things and found the best way to get through it was just to relax. So we checked into the hospital around 6, and they did some tests. I hadn't dilated at all, so they gave me Demerol and sent me home. It was amazing stuff! haha. It worked for a really long time- it relaxed me enough throughout the contractions so they didn't hurt as bad. I could definitely still feel them, but I wasn't tensing up at all, so I got through them a lot easier. It was almost as if I didn't even care it was happening haha. I recommend it to everyone having a baby! I sat in a chair in our family room for a few hours and tried to sleep. Since I was so drugged up I'm not exactly sure if I slept or not! Anyways, I started having a lot more contractions around 1130 or so, and it got to the point where I would do anything to get back to that hospital for more demerol haha.. I started panicking and getting scared because I realized it was going to happen so soon, and I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my baby just yet.. I was so excited to see him, but it was definitely bitter-sweet. Mom and I went back to the hospital and my waters broke soon after. They checked me and I had already dilated to 6 cm in that short 3 hour time! They quickly moved me to a delivery room and got everything set up. I couldn't believe it was almost time to see him! I was excited.

As you can imagine, I was pretty out of it because of all the pain (like I am right now), so I didn't really know what was going on around me. Sometime around midnight or so, Nikki arrived. I don't remember calling her, but I was so glad she was there! Curtis came too, but they wouldn't let him in to see me because only 2 people are allowed in the delivery room, and my mom and Nikki were already there. So he waited in the waiting room with his family. I got a little morphine since I had an IV for a bacterial thing anyways, and they offered an epidural but I chose not to get it. I had dealt with the pain for that far, and I wanted to experience delivery without it. I pushed for almost 2 hours I think, but it felt a lot shorter than that! The doctor almost didn't make it, and the nurses were all ready to deliver him without my doctor. Luckily she arrived JUST in time, and finally Cash was here! The doctor said "wow, this is a big baby for a tiny girl like you!" haha, and he was! 8lbs, 7oz. Looking back, it seems like labour and delivery weren't nearly as bad as everyone makes it seem to be, but maybe I just got lucky. Yes, it was very painful, but the instant I saw that baby I forgot all the pain..

 It was so worth it! He looked EXACTLY like Curt, it was so weird haha. My moms first words were "wow, its like looking at Curtis's baby pictures!" Nikki went out to tell Curt, and he started crying. I was in the delivery room 3 hours before he was able to see Cash, and wow was that ever hard on him. He was pacing the floor, so impatient ! haha. He kept texting me, asking how I was and how proud he was of me for getting through it so strong and how much he already loved Cash even though he hadn't even seen him yet. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to know your child was just a few feet away but not being able to see him!

Well when he finally did see him, he was SUCH a proud daddy, and cried the first time he saw him.. and for days after that haha. You can see in this picture how much joy that little boy brought to him in such a short period of time. It was an amazing feeling and experience for both of us to have this baby. We instantly felt such an incredible love for Cash, and words cant describe that unless you are a mother yourself. Cash was so beautiful, I couldn't stop staring at him! It's amazing how much love you can feel for someone so sudden. But in my heart, I also knew D&Y were his real parents. It was an amazing experience, and I wouldn't change any of it now. Although painful, labor and delivery made me so thrilled for the day when I can be married and have more children of my own, to feel that same love that I felt for Cash the moment he was born for my other children.  
I am having difficulty doing this, so I am going to go to bed and there will be more to come soon. I just didn't want to miss yet another day posting a blog. Perhaps the next post will be on the days I spent with him, and the placement. Loves! 

OH and ps, I think everyone in the whole world should read this post and this post by Stef. Hope thats okay with her that I'm adding a link, but I thought it was absolutely amazzing and sums up what I feel. I'll add my own thoughts as soon as I sober up from these meds hahah. 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

my best friend.

So I decided to post about my best friend. The one person who made my life not only bearable, but enjoyable during my 9 pregnant months. This girl helped me see things as they really were, and made me realize that it wasn’t the end of the world.
I met Nikki in grade 10, and we immediately became close friends. By grade 11, we were inseparable and I knew we would be best friends forever. We told each other everything, and laughed until we cried. Most of my best memories of high school were with that girl. She moved to Nova Scotia the end of summer before grade 12, and I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I’ve always been the kind of girl that didn’t want tons of friends, but a few really close ones.  Well Nikki was my comfort zone, and I didn’t know what I was going to do without her. I was so devestated to see her leave, and I cried for hours. We texted all day every day, and it was as though she hadn’t gone anywhere. But when I took that pregnancy test and realized she wasn’t here anymore, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately texted her a picture and said “that’s not two lines right…?” and she called me 2 seconds later, hesitated a bit and replied “well Dal, I guess this means I get to be a Godmother!” Nikki assured me I would not be alone in my trials, and that she would be here for me. I didn’t know how that was possible because she was all the way across the country, but a few weeks later I saw just how good of a friend Nikki is. Her sister called me and told me to come outside and help her with something in the trunk. I opened it and there was my best friend.. I burst into tears and hugged her tight. I was never letting go.. I needed her so much.

"A true friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.. " 

From that moment on, she stood by my side. We did everything together.. She loved Cash almost as if he was her own,.. we joked that she was the father, not Curt haha. For some unknown reason to me now, she was the one who came up with the name “Babis” for Cash. Her, Curt and I called him that for the last 5 months of my pregnancy, and other people started calling him that too haha. She loved to rub my belly, and kiss it, and take pictures of it. Honestly, there were times when I wondered if she would talk me out of adoption. But she knew that was what I wanted, and being the friend she is, never did. I am so thankful for her support, even if she didn’t agree with my decision. 

What a beautiful grad date I had! 

As it neared time for me to deliver Cash, Nikki started reading up on labor and what to do as a birthing coach haha. I couldn’t think of anyone better to have in the delivery room than her. (And my mom of course.) So there she was, holding my hand and encouraging me on.

 She held Cash before I even did! Lucky Auntie! 
 Her being in the delivery room was special for all of us, but one we don’t speak of anymore.. awkwaaard! haha

 She loves this little boy so much. I love her for that. She was an amazing support the whole time in the hospital, and I am so glad she was there to spend time with me and Cash. I don't think I could've gotten through it the way I did without her there encouraging me. 

We took this picture Saturday night before the placement. It was the last time she held him, and soon after this picture, tears started rolling down her cheeks. She said "I'm sorry Dal." and tried to hide them, because she was trying to stay strong for me.. But it meant the world to me, to see her care for my son that way. She kissed his tiny head goodbye, and said "I love you Babis", and then hurried out of the room. Saying goodbye to Cash wasn’t easy on her, and there are days when its clear she is still hurting. 

I am so grateful to have a friend like Nikki who comes a little bit closer to understanding what I am going through, because she loved him a lot to. I have never before met a friend like her, and I know I never will again. She is my hero, and I words cant describe how much I appreciate her friendship and support in my life. I love you Nikki! (And Babis does too :))  

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

meeting the family.

(March 2, 2010)
Today was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. I will think back to this day many times and it will make me feel at peace. I met two of the most amazing people today. They have changed my life in more ways than one. I walked into the office, and I was so nervous! I didn't know what to expect or how to act. But as soon as I saw their smiling faces, I knew I was in the right place. Y told me I as beautiful. Wow, she is too! I looked at their faces, and saw my son. It was the strangest thing, but I seriously looked at them and pictured you right there. They started off our meeting talking about each other. Tears came to my eyes and I felt them slowly run down my cheeks as I listened. I felt the love they shared, and just the way they looked at each other touched my heart in more ways than I can explain. THAT is what I want in my marriage. One of their very first questions was from Y.. "Do I need to get Dora or Diego?" and D said, "No! Figure skating or hockey?!" Then they both laughed, not expecting me to answer right away but I smiled and said "Definitely hockey!" Without skipping a beat, they pushed their chairs back out of excitement and their eyes teared up. It made me so happy to see THEM so happy. We talked about schooling, sports, travel, family, etc. and I loved EVERYTHING they said. They really are PERFECT. And Curt completely agrees :) He was getting along great with them, D & him have so much in common ! Their jerseys playing hockey were #2, expect this year Curt was #20, which was D's football number. They both play defense and shoot left, but are right handed. It was so crazy! 
We talked a bit about names, and there is one they suggested that Curt and I really like. We think we have the name we want on the original birth certificate picked out, and your first name will be the same as the name D&Y choose. Your middle name will be Mackenzie, after my dad. I didn't want our meeting to end today!! They are amazing people and I can't wait to get to know them better. Curtis and I were talking after, and we feel 100% that this is the family for you. They have everything we could ever ask for our son. You will have an amazing life with these 2 perfect parents. I promise! I have a calm, peaceful feeling for my decision, and that is the comfort I need. I love D&Y, and I know you were sent here to me, to be sent to them. I strongly believe this with all my heart. You are my world, and these are the people I trust to love you as I do.

We met with D&Y a couple more times after this first meeting, and each time made me fall in love with them even more. They have touched my life in so many ways, and I feel as though I am a better person because of their influence. I honestly have not forgotten the way they looked at each other, and the way they spoke to & about each other. They are the example of a truly happy couple, and I hope to one day have the same level of love within my own marriage. I love them so much for opening their hearts, and lives to Cash and raising him the way I wanted to. 

choosing the family.

(January 10, 2010) 
I went to LDS Family Services on Friday. I've been working with a woman there named Gloria for the past few months. She's very nice, and an amazing person. She's helped me out a lot. Anyways, on this particular visit she asked me to think about being a single mom more. To be honest, I haven't really thought about it at all. I want you to have two loving parents, so I ruled out being a mom early on in our pregnancy. Deep down, I know that I wish I could keep you and raise you. I love you so much, and I can't imagine how hard it's going to be to place you with someone else. But I also know that adoption is what was meant for you, and its whats in your best interest. So I asked to see a few portfolios to look at. She gave me some, but once I got into my car, I broke down and realized that I'm just not ready to choose a family for you yet. This is my time to enjoy having you and I just can't bring myself to think about losing you just yet. I've been having alot of bad days lately, mostly because I'm feeling alone. 
(the rest of the journal entry was about Curt, and I don't want to share that haha)

I wrote this in my journal to Cash, and I decided to share it here because it was what started my actual road to adoption. I am going to start posting more out of my journal, because I wrote that while everything was happening, and it is easier to copy than to look back and try to remember what happened exactly. Some entries are really personal, and although this blog is public, I hope you will respect the thoughts/feelings I had. 
This next entry was part of my journal written 2 days later.. 

I got a few new portfolios. I have looked at every couple that has no kids already. I thought that was what I wanted! However, I've started to change my opinion, and maybe siblings would be alot of fun for you.. I still have alot of time to choose.   

(February 3, 2010) 
I got a few more portfolios from Gloria today. There is one that is really standing out to me, I can't get them out of my head! They seem so perfect.. everything I could ever want for you they have. They are a great looking couple with an adorable adopted daughter named Summer. I opened the portfolio while I was in my car today waiting to go into dance and I started to cry when I read it. The letter she, (Y) wrote was so beautiful! She talked about the moment her daughter's birthmom placed the baby (S) in her arms, and all I could do was picture me doing the same thing. I cry every time I think of placement. But Y made it sound so beautiful and peaceful, and in a strange way I look forward to sharing that moment with her. I'm not sure if it was the letter that made me cry or if it was the spirit telling me, "THIS is the right family for your son". The father, (D) played hockey growing up, and your father would love it if you played too. (Then I lectured about hockey, and being a good boy haha) I feel like if I did choose this family for you, that you would be very well taken care of. They can make many opportunities and resources available to you, and you will do and see great things throughout your life. That is my hope and dream for you. Never let anything hold you back from what you want to do! For some reason, this family just seems right to me. I am going to pray and think hard about it before I make a decision though. I know this is the hardest decision I will ever have to make, and I WILL choose the right one, because it will affect your life now, and for eternity. You are the most important thing in my life, and I won't let you down. I promise you baby, whatever decision I make will be the right one, I know this because I will put my whole heart and energy into it. I will follow my heart, and the spirit. I know God has a plan for you, and I will make sure I get you there. 
"I love you. Don't ever think that I don't, and never forget that I do."

(February 23, 2010)
I went to LDS family services today and told Gloria that I had decided on D&Y, and wanted to meet them as soon as I could! So, next Tuesday I am meeting your adoptive parents!! I am SO excited. I feel 100% that I am doing the right thing, for YOU. They were THRILLED to hear that I had chosen them. Aahh I am so happy, and I can't WAIT to meet and talk with them! I know they're going to be so amazing, I can feel it. Counting down the days! xoxo. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

i was a guest blogger!

So I said in my first post how much I loved reading Stefanie's blog, and today she did a guest blog post on me! it was cool :) it was a very short summary of my story. You can read it here.  
The feedback from this post was so kind, I got many comments from people who read it and I thank Stef a TON for doing this!! Apparently people actually do read my blog now, so I guess I'd better shape up and post more often ! haha. I haven't finished sharing so many things about my story, and I will get on that asap. I'm very excited for this blog, I think it is so important to write things down and keep a journal of your feelings and this seems like the easiest way for me to do that! I started writing in a journal from the beginning of my pregnancy, and I'll post a few of those entries in here when the time comes. But I hope to one day get my blog printed out into a book and give that to Cash as well as the journal I wrote for him. I hope he will cherish it and understand more clearly the thoughts and feelings I had. I never want him to wonder where he came from or more importantly, why I placed him for adoption. Thanks to openness, he can one day read all of that and learn for himself :) 

Monday, November 1, 2010

a decade of memories

Dance has been my whole life for the past 12 years.. I have been on a competition team for the majority of those years, and basically grew up with a group of 8 girls.. We are team mates, best friends, and a family. We would do anything for each other, and tonight at practice that was proven. There are 3 of us who have been particularly close because we spent more time together and are each others ages. Paige, Anise and I have had so many hilarious memories together and they honestly have been 2 of my closest friends growing up. We travel to competitions and performances, and it is so much fun every time we are together. I cant even name how many times we have cried from laughing so hard at each other on such trips. This year we are going to Scottsdale, Arizona. We were looking so forward to making more memories with each other and having another unforgettable trip as a team. However, Paige announced tonight at practice that she won't be dancing anymore. It came as a shock and we all started to cry. We had lost members before, but each time is still hard to accept that we will be missing a girl on the team. Priorities change, life becomes busy, and eventually we all have to grow up sometime. I guess this is Paige's time. We completely understand why she has stepped off of the team, but It will be so strange to have her gone. 
Wow I'm making it sound like she died! I promise she's okay haha. Its just that this group of girls stood beside me last year and supported me wholeheartedly. Paige is an amazing girl, she has such a big heart and looks out for everyone. I know she always had my back when people were being judgmental towards me, and I really appreciate that so much. Last year, our team really turned into a family. They showed me that it doesn't matter what mistakes you make, it's what's inside that defines you. They loved Cash so much! We started calling him "Champ" while he was in my belly, after our "Championship Team" (thats what we're called). One of the girls came and saw me in the hospital right after I had him. Their support helped me make it through the days I felt alone, and I don't know what I would have done without them. 
Paige, you are the definition of a friend. Words really can't describe you.. You're just Paige. Or Garby. Or Fetus. Whichever you prefer haha. We have had such fun times together, and I will never forget them. I could go on and on for hours about the funny things we did, but I'll refrain cause most of them are really embarrassing haha. I just love you! The Team loves you! I don't know anyone who doesn't love you! You will be greatly missed- but you will always be in our hearts with us on that dance floor. Good luck in everything you do, we're all rooting for you. <3 

Paige and Lindsay trying to look like me haha