Thursday, October 17, 2013

thanksgiving & an update !

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I sit here reflecting on what I am thankful for. But what do I have that I cannot be thankful for? Truly life has blessed me throughout my 21 years, and I can honestly say have nothing to be ungrateful for. Of course I have my hard days, as everyone does, but in the end I am lucky to have these challenges to help me continually learn as I go. Life is hard. But it is so beautiful at the same time :)
I spent a wonderful weekend back at home with my family, and it was 4 days of non-stop laughter, love, and fun. My best friend had a little girl a month ago, and my sister had a boy 3 days later. Cuddling with these little cuties was therapy for my heart, and I can't even imagine how much love I will have to share with children of my own one day. I look forward to that time down the road, when I am ready.
Well, a few weeks ago I received an amazing update from Cash’s parents, showing me through photos, videos, and words what a darling little man he is growing into.  So this thanksgiving, I am most thankful for the blessing that is my birthson & his family. I can't believe how much he has grown, I am so unbelievably proud of him and how smart he is becoming. He is talking in full sentences, riding a bike, and just being the most adorable little kid my eyes have ever seen. 
My heart is so very full of love and gratitude. Each time I receive these updates, it confirms once more that I made the best decision for him. I can’t imagine what his life would be like had it been any other way. I can feel of the love they have as a family, and they really do provide for him better than I could ever hoped for. My heart is filled with joy when I realize that I was the one who gave him the ability to have this life.
 I am so proud of my decision and I don't care who knows it! 
Cash knows he has 2 moms and 2 dads, who each love him unconditionally. 
What could be better than that? He is happy, and thats what makes me happy.
I am truly blessed.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

rock bottom.

This post is not going to be fun. It's not about adoption, it's not about what I've been doing. 
It's about l i f e. And sometimes, life just s-u-c-k-s. 
I don't know how many people even read my blog any more. I kind of went AWOL these past 2 years, and I regret that now. I lost focus on what was important- which was focussing on myself & continually healing. I stopped searching within and figuring out all the emotions that were swirling inside. I kept everything bottled everything up for the past two years, until finally today it all came rushing out in a wave. Actually, more like a raging hurricane. Today, I hit rock bottom. 
I realized about a gazillion things that I have kept tucked away in this corner of my mind, not wanting to face the reality of them. This post is going to be 100% honest. And thats scary, and I might wish I hadn't done this in the morning, but for right now I know it needs to be done. 
I'm not complaining about my life, because I really am blessed & I feel truly grateful for what I have. That is not the issue here at all. This is about me having to come clean for myself, and for the ones I love around me. I'm breaking down all my walls and being completely vulnerable.
I think I'm going through my mid-life crisis at twenty-one. I know every young adult goes through hard times, and I am probably over-reacting about the state my life is in right now. But I feel like my world literally is crashing down around me, and 
I have no one to blame but myself. Which makes it even harder to accept. For those of you (if anyone is even reading this) who know me, you know how c r a z y my life is. I am a full-time university student and also work full-time as a hairstylist. Its exhausting. 
And until today, I thought it was more than possible to do both and still have time to stay sane. WRONG. so wrong. I am the farthest thing from sane right now. 

I am not capable of doing everything. There, I admitted it. And yes it was painful to write. Sometimes we have to learn how to say no. WE CANT DO IT ALL. 
Sometimes you just have to GIVE UP if you know that it isn't meant to be. But Why do we feel like we have to prove something to the world ? Why can't we just stand up and say "HERE I AM. THIS IS ME. & I AM PROUD OF IT"?! 
Why must we always be searching for the next thing to show everyone else that we are somehow better than they are? 

Sometime in the past three years, I changed drastically. I became a person that I was never meant to become. I looked in the mirror today and couldn't even recognize the girl staring back at me. 
I don't want to know who she is, because I don't like who she is. 
What happened to me ? I lost sight of what was important to me, and always has been. I was blindsided by a small taste of success, & I was focussing on this
  false image I had created of myself.
 (Example: Why do I feel it is necessary to own 58219 Michael Kors handbags ? Do you even know how ridiculously overpriced those things are? And yet here I am, acting like my budget actually is flexible enough to buy these bags to hold all the crap I think I have to carry around everywhere I go. I love my bags, I really do. But it is just NOT NECESSARY. )
I've been focussing so much attention on Material things, & not the things that truly make us Happy. WHO CARES HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE. Its what you do in your free time that shows how 'wealthy' you really are. And if you don't have that free time (like me) how do you expect to ever ENJOY LIFE ?

I need to make time for myself. I need to remember what it means to have a social life outside of work, to take the time to  S M I L E  and be silly. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be able to Make Memories & not look back on my life wishing I had taken MORE CHANCES.

God loves us no matter what. And right now, that is the only thing keeping me from checking myself into the loony bin. I know that when I fall asleep tonight, no matter how much despair I am feeling, there is someone who can take all this pain away. He is watching over me, and reminding me that I CAN DO IT. I can overcome this depression that has taken hold over my life, and He can make me whole again. He can ease my burdens & set me on the right track, with my head held high. And that right there, is what will get me through the coming days. 

Sometimes hitting rock bottom is a good thing. It makes you realize where you've been, what you're doing, and where you want to end up. And it gives you a firm kick in the butt to get you going there faster. 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

birthday number three

 Happy Third Birthday, Cash. Even as I type that I still can't believe it has been this long. The memories of those few days we spent together 3 years ago will never leave me. The precise details are starting to slowly fade over time, but the feelings are as real to me today as when I first felt them. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the emotions I felt that day you came into the world. My heart was filled with such LOVE, joy and peace, as I knew that I was making the right choice for you. I feel so blessed to be a part of such an amazing spirits journey here on earth, and lucky that I am able to continue watching you learn and grow in this crazy thing called life. 

I loved you then, and I love you still. Always have, always will.

"Children and Mothers never truly part, bound together by the beating of one another's heart."
- Charlotte Gray

Happy Birthday, baby boy. Loving you today, and for always.