Sunday, October 25, 2015

best thanksgiving ever.

This year, my fiancé and I were able to spend Thanksgiving with the family I am MOST thankful for.
I couldn't imagine a more perfect day.

I had a little bit of a breakdown on the way to their home (4 hours away)- partly because I was nervous for Max to meet Cash for the first time, but mostly because I just didn't know what to expect... It had been over 2 years since the last time I saw them in person! The last time we got together Cash was barely 3 years old, and still didn't really understand what was going on... and now he is 5 1/2, which makes a BIG difference. I also hadn't heard anything from them at all in over a year, and the updates are usually late (which is OK) but I was worried that they were going to tell me that they wanted to close our adoption. I was so scared as we pulled up to their home.... Would he be scared of me? Would they be uncomfortable with me being there? All the what if's, and all the unknowns.....

But as soon as I saw him, all of my fears washed away.

He knew exactly who I was. As soon as I walked in, he was a little shy, but he said hi and called me Dallas. When his mom asked him who I am, he whispered "my birth mom" (oh, my heart!)
He had gotten SO big since the last time I saw him!! He was so excited to show me his lego sets, and his room, and everything else he could think of. He told his own made up knock-knock jokes all throughout dinner, and laughed at himself. He was the smartest, and cutest little boy I have ever seen.

He wanted to show me a book that his mom and he prepared for me.. It was a book of all of his school work that he had done that year, and he told me about every single one. To see his face light up the way it did, made me so so proud. And then, he gave me a leather-bound journal. (Because his mom knows me so well!) Inside the front cover, he had drawn a picture of the two of us holding hands. We had matching blue eyes and blonde hair (Because I was blonde until he was 2 years old).... He signed it: To Dallas, Love Cash. It totally melted my heart!!!!!

We spent a few hours just talking together, with Cash and his sister playing in the background. It felt so normal, and the conversation between the 4 of us was easy, and comfortable. We each shared our feelings, and some questions about our future relationship, and I left feeling at peace.

When Max and I were leaving, Cash whispered to his mom, "Tell Dallas she can come visit me whenever she wants." I teared up instantly, because those words coming from such a small person meant the absolute most. We hugged, and then drove away. (And I bawled in the car, haha)

I feel so insanely blessed to have this relationship with Cash and his parents, and for their willingness to share some of their life with me. This meeting may be our last for quite some time, but I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to have those moments with them, and I will truly cherish them for the rest of my life. I love this family with all that I am, and I know for a surety that the decision I made nearly 6 years ago, was the right one. To hear that little boy who I love so so deeply know who I am- to have him tell me I can visit him- it makes it all worth it. I am so blessed.

Friday, August 21, 2015

my happily ever after.

I would like to tell you all a story. Its a love story, and its mine...
I am surprised that I haven't told this story sooner, but life has been busy, for reasons you will soon find out!

I am marrying the love of my life on January 2, 2016. 

 Our relationship developed very deeply, & very fast. We immediately connected in a way neither of us expected.. and haven't looked back. I've known he was the one for me since day 1.

He supports me, respects me, comforts me, and cherishes me.
He is patient, understanding, loving, and trustworthy.
He makes me laugh every single day- and tries especially hard when I don't want to. He has brought happiness to my life in ways I didn't know possible, and meaning to everything that I do.

He's my best friend, my confidant, my love, and my biggest fan.

He has accepted my flaws, and loves me through my weaknesses. He knows absolutely everything about me, and loves me more for it.

He is everything I didn't know I was looking for.

I never knew a love like this existed.
I was worried I would never find someone who could overlook my past and be okay with it. I was worried I wouldn't find a husband who understood my love for Cash and what I have been through. 
He might not understand completely, but he has a pretty good grasp on it. And what he doesn't understand, he tries to. He wants to.
He loves me for me, and all that comes along with it. And I do the same for him. We are a team- the good and the bad.

I can't wait to start my life with this amazing man, in an amazing new place. Arizona will become home to me in 4 short months, and I look forward to the new experiences that await me there.


Thursday, June 18, 2015

5 years ago.

five years ago, my heart learned what love was.

it also experienced complete and utter heartbreak as I had to leave that love behind.

Cash turned 5 years old at 3:59am today.

I can't believe it has been that long. It feels like only yesterday- I find myself having flashbacks to that moment when I first saw his face, and it is tearing my heart apart once again.

I miss him so much. 

It is easy as life goes on to forget to take the time to ponder and heal- something I know I need to continually do... My life has been blessed immensely in the past 5 years, but that doesn't mean I don't still have my moments of discontentment.

At times I wonder what life would be like, had I parented him.
But I know that he is where he is meant to be- in a loving family with two wonderful parents. As I type, I have just received an email from them with pictures of his day- what a cutie! I am so blessed to have contact with them and know that he is being cared for.

So tonight as I lay down to sleep, it is with a heavy heart. I ache to hold my little boy once more, and tell him of my love for him. But I know that his parents are doing that for me- telling him of his story once more, and how he will forever be surrounded by love, even if it is from a distance. 

I love you more than words can say, my sweet little boy. 
I always will.