Monday, June 20, 2011

things i'll never say

I have debated this thought for a few weeks now. It pains me to say so, but this might be my last post for awhile... My heart is just not into it anymore. It feels more like an obligation than a passion like it used to. There are so many things I want to say, and so many things I still need to share, but for some reason the words just won't come to me. There are about 20 half-completed posts with that taunting draft next to it. I just cannot bring myself to finish them and I don't know why. My last few posts especially should have been extremely hearfelt, and it dissapoints me that they were not. I think I have cried all my emotion out this past year and I find myself being mentally exhausted right now. I'm very numb. Thats the best word for it.
I've found myself coming to a crossroad- do I force a post, not feeling happy with the way it comes out, or do I quit writing until I am ready to mean everything I say? I want to post about the happy things going in my life too, but feel obligated to only write the sad things and I just don't want to do that anymore. I've debated deleting my blog all together. Some would say it hurts to think about the hurt. I agree with that, but I also disagree. When I first started blogging  in October, it was the best decision I could have made at that time. The emotions were so raw, memories so fresh in my mind, and writing helped me process my thoughts and make sense of it all. My blog has served its purpose.. To help others gather information, and to help me grieve my loss. My posts will still be here to read, I just have to go MIA for a little while to prepare for the posts that are still waiting for me to finish.
It has been a year since I placed Cash, and I feel I used that time to heal to the best of my ability. It still hurts incredibly, and I know it always will. Recent events in my life have caused me to realize that I will be OK. I don't want to say that I am moving on, but I feel that maybe it is okay to start to. I need this time now to take a break from thinking about the hurt and focus on making myself even stronger. I'm happy, and for the first time in a long time, I can say that honestly. My life has been absolutely busy and fun lately, and will continue that way for awhile. I'm welcoming that excitement with open arms.

"Love is sacrifice. However, when you love, sacrifice is easy. And when you really love, Sacrifice is joy."

Sunday, June 19, 2011

happy birthday, baby boy.

Cash's first birthday has come and gone. 
I treated it as another day- I worked and then went out with my parents and brother and sister-in-law for dinner to celebrate. I tried not to think about it. As soon as everyone left, I couldn't help but think about it.
My heart is absolutely breaking right now to think about it.
This time last year, I was looking at the most perfect child I had ever seen. You lay there, sleeping peacefully in my arms... I thought to myself, "How am I ever going to let you go? I love you too much to." 
I prayed for the strength to remember my reasons. My questions quickly changed to "How could I ever give you less than the best? I love you too much not to." 
Cash, the day you were born, exactly one year ago, I looked into your big beautiful eyes and I promised I would never stop loving you. Bittersweet tears rolled down my cheeks and onto yours, and I prayed that one day you would understand.

Tonight, I'm praying that one day MY heart will understand.
I feel an an emptiness that nothing, and no one but my little boy could ever fill. 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

something perfect.

G just sent me this poem. What could be more perfect for me to read today than this. G read it at our Birthmothers Day Dinner, and just received permission to send it out. Note who the author is... BF's Aunt. Kinda cool huh? Anyways, I really. really. really. needed to read this tonight. I feel comforted now, and hopefully I can get some sleep in before I work in 6 hours. I pray with all my heart that one day Cash will think this about me. 


You really are my mother.
The time I spent swaddled in the warmth of your womb….
Will always be ours. 
A mother with her child.
You cared for me and nurtured me in such a wondrous way.
It is you that truly gave me life.
I know it was hard for you to let me go
I know because I was there, I heard it all - felt it all
That moment – the moment when….
You made your most difficult decision ever.

Then the time came and the whole world stood still.
We said good-bye.

I know it took all you had….
To do what you knew was the best for me.
God knows your trial and your strength,
He knows of your great sacrifice, as he too gave a child.

I have never forgotten you….
Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile.
I know of your great love for me.
On each anniversary of my birth,
I think of you and offer a silent prayer….
A prayer of thanks for you
My great and courageous mother.
The mother who gave me life.
I know that one day we will meet
And you will take me in your arms.
And I will know you by….
Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile,
Your love.

- Cathy Matkin

hardest for me.

One year ago, I was this big....
A year ago, I learnt what true love was.
A year ago, I also learnt what true heartbreak felt like.

Let's just say I'll be crying into this blanket and frog tonight, hoping that maybe it will 
soak up some of the ache my heart feels for you. One can only try, right?
Happy 1st Birthday, Cash. I will forever love you.

Monday, June 13, 2011

i've got the scars to prove it.

Cash's 1st Birthday is coming up on Saturday.... I honestly CAN NOT BELIEVE it has already been a year since I held that little boy for the first time. I want to do something special. I have no idea what that might be, but for those of you who know me know that I am a perfectionist and I think about things waaaaayy too much. So here I am, 5 days away from the anniversary of the hardest day of my life, and I don't know yet what I am going to be doing. Ahhhhh, it is stressing me out already. HELP ME! Do any of you birthmothers, adoptive mothers, or adoptees have any ideas of what I should do on Saturday/ get for Cash for his birthday? I've been looking on other's blogs but haven't yet found much. I want to do something that will help me cherish the memories I have of him, and take my mind off of the sadness I will be feeling. I won't be seeing him on his birthday, but I will in early July so I can give them something then. Also, the BF and I have broken up, so I will not be with him like previously planned. 
Any and All ideas are greatly appreciated :)

On a side note, some very exciting things have been going on in my life lately!! Nikki came home for a short visit, and we have made up for the time lost while she was in Calgary. We went to the YSA Conference this weekend with Megan, we met some other really great people there, and had a BLAST ! I am so lucky to have such amazing friends ! Life is looking good right now :)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

for Nikki.

This post is in honor of a very special girl's 19th birthday. She is the single most supportive friend I had during this past year and a half. I honestly could not tell you where I would be without her in my life. She showed me that there is so much more to someone than meets the eye, and forgiveness is possible even in the worst of situations. She helped me remember that everyone can have another chance if they just take the steps to. She taught me that it is okay to have dreams and plans for the future, even if you know they might not come true. Through her example she helped me realize that I was taking important things in my life for granted. She taught me that if you believe something is true, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. She showed me that it is possible to love someone without even seeing them. She made me feel important enough to drive across the country for. Most importantly, Nikki taught me the value of friendship and what a best friend is. She taught me so many life lessons, more than I think she will ever realize. I will forever cherish the experiences we shared together. She was my therapist, my travel buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my comedian, my support system, my photographer, my confidant, my delivery coach, and my best friend. She is, and forever will be a part of my family. She knew absolutely everything about me, the good and the bad. We talked about our deepest feelings, and shared spiritual moments together. Even in my darkest times, she never allowed me to feel alone. This girl changed my world.. she taught me to look at life in a whole different light. She is determined, compassionate, genuine, trustworthy, strong-willed, hopeful, optimistic, beautiful, inquisitive, courageous, ambitious, loyal, brave, & the list could go on and on. She is such an example to me, and I hope to someday be half the person she is. When I look back on high school, Nikki was the friend that never faltered. No fight was too big to keep us apart for long. Some of the best memories I have include her, and there are far too many to name. Just thinking about them now makes me laugh, and others make me cry. I will forever be grateful for this girls' friendship, and no matter what happens in life I hope she knows that she will always be my best friend.

Summer 2008


This basically sums it all up.

Anaconda! I'm sorry Nik, I had to.

We sometimes acted like children.

Unsuccessful Waterton trip 2009
Successful Waterton trip, 2009
Sometimes we took roadtrips..
Summer 2009

First picture with Babis

Utah, April 2010

Grad 2010
Grad 2010
You were there, every step of the way

You saw Cash first.
Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you are with them..
but still, there is love between you.

Cash will always know of your love for him.

Bug, I hope you have a great birthday, 
because you definitely deserve it.
I love you so much, & don't you ever forget it.