Sunday, December 25, 2011


This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life. 

I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs. 
My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well. 

I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day. 

On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after ! 

Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....

Knowing her decision
Was one for the best
She lights a candle in memory
Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle
flickers with light
The wind outside is howling
She finds little comfort on this lonely night

She takes out an album
And gently dusts off the cover
It is all she has left
To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo
of her little one
They are her only ties
To her precious son.

Silently a tear
Slips down her cheek
She wipes it away quickly
So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never
be the same again
She will always be thinking
of her little man.

She knows through her pain
For him this was right
But her unselfless deed
Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty
Her heart is still breaking
He is with somebody else
And she is left aching.

I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! 

Her heart sits on each page
Of that dusty book
In his eyes, his little face
The way that he looks.

She can't hide her pain
She can't hide her tears
This is the first of many
Long, painful years

It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's. 
I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.

But the light that she sees
At the end of all this
Is the smile on his face
He is truly blessed

With that thought
She slowly readies for bed
To sleep all night
Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down
And heads off to sleep
Knowing his memory
She will always keep.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all. 

Sunday, December 18, 2011

18 months

I can't believe 18 months have passed since I gave birth to my dear boy. So tiny and perfect, he is quickly growing into a handsome little man. A year ago, these milestones would have affected me more than they do now, when the pain was fresher, deeper. While tears still slowly fall down my cheeks as I type tonight, I know that all will be okay. God did not send us here to struggle, he sent us here to learn and to grow. And that is exactly what Cash and I both are doing. 

" Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love "

Happy 18 months of life to my little angel

sharp knife of a short life

I had been reading a lot lately about mothers who lost their children. And I realized something that I hadn't really thought of before. I have said in other posts that giving a child up for adoption is like having a loved one pass away. But I am officially taking that statement back as of this moment.
I have a small idea of what losing a child feels like. But I realize now the pain really can't compare. My heart breaks for these women.. one, who's daughter was a stillborn, another who's premature twins died shortly after birth, and a single mom who made the heartbreaking decision to take her 18 month old off of life support. I cannot even fathom the emotions they were feeling, and are still going through. I have said that I lost a child. But I still have contact with him, and know he is being taken care of. These other mothers have trouble finding comfort in their pain, when there is only memories to hold on to. 
Just goes to show there are always people going through something harder that we are. 

Early Thursday morning of this week, 4 more mothers lost their children too early. All are grieving the loss of their son or daughter, and another is grieving for all 4 lives. I know that most of my followers are not from the small Southern Alberta city I come from, but the event that occurred this horrible night has grown into a national story, so I am sure most of you know about it by now. Hearing the news of these deaths really hit me when I first heard the names early Thursday, I didn't know them personally, but we had many mutual friends and I felt so sad for my childhood friend who was dating one of the boys that was killed. I had an immediate feeling of shock I felt when I heard the other name... I didn't believe it, and I still don't want to. My memories of Derek Jensen are completely different than the memories the world holds of him now. My heart aches for his family and the emotions they must be enduring right now. Words cannot describe how anyone involved with this tragedy is feeling, nor should we try to. May we remember these young lives the way we knew them here, and wait for our questions to be answered when we see them again.

Rest in Peace, Derek Jensen - Mitch Maclean - Tanner Craswell - Tabitha Stepple

Sunday, December 11, 2011

"Ultimate Sacrifice" by Madilyn Bailey

This song was written by a girl named Madilyn for her friend who was placing her child for adoption. It is so hard to find a good adoption song, but this is PERFECT. You all know I've been at a loss of words lately... so as usual here is a song that explains it all. How I felt 18 months ago as I was getting ready to place Cash into his mothers arms.

I can give you all the love you want 
But I know that'll never be enough
Because a home is made of more than just well wishing
And there are so many things I can't give to you that you'll be missing
I know that love isn't true unless it's unconditional
So I don't get to chose whether or not to love you 

So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right

I'll break my heart to make yours whole 
Cause it's the only thing I can do
This chance at happiness
Is the only thing that I can give to you

My heart can't ache any more than it does
This is the ultimate sacrifice for love

There's this little piece of me
That you took hold of the moment that you laid eyes on me

I know that struggle here is far from done 
But the memory of you will help me through
The hard days to come

And this grieving has made my heart so weak
Not sure if I'll ever be able to love someone
With the same intensity

So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right

The hardest moment of my entire life.