Monday, December 1, 2014

Day 11: life before adoption


My life before adoption was an unhappy, disasterous place. I had been making choices in the years prior to my pregnancy that were not setting me up to be on a path much different from where I ended up. I was definitely influenced by my friends at the time, but I would never say they were at fault because I had the Agency to make these choices on my own. Although during those years I was experimenting with things I should not have been, in the back of my head I always knew that it was wrong, and that I needed to live a better life. But I thought I was fine, that I was still hanging onto some of my beliefs and values, and that what I was doing was really "not that bad". And then I experienced something as a result of a poor choice that sent my whole world into a downward spiral. I became angry, and didn't know what to do. So I turned away from the things and people who would make me happy, and I continued to make wrong choices, because I figured- why not. I hurt a lot of people along this path, and for that I am truly sorry. I was in a dark place, and not thinking of how my actions were affecting others. I lost myself for a good portion of that year-I didn't know where to go, or who to turn to... and then one day, it all changed. No longer was it about me.

When I found out Cash was coming into this world, it was as though everything snapped into place. I realized that I wasn't capable of giving him the life he deserved, and so I set out to give him that, no matter the cost. I was determined to keep my head high, and do what I could to make Him proud. My priorities changed, and the overall way I looked at life shifted abruptly, I truly realized what was important, and what was not.

Life before adoption was hard. Life during the process was even harder. But sitting here today, I can say it was all truly worth it. That little boy changed me for the better, and made me the person I am today. I am so grateful.

Monday, November 10, 2014

day 10: favourite quote

"And maybe, you can tell your baby
when you love him so that he's been loved before- 
from someone who delivered your son,
From God's Arms to My Arms, to Yours"

I have said before how I felt immediately that when I found out I was expecting adoption was my only option, and I felt very confident and at peace with that decision, because I knew in my heart that it was right. This quote summarizes what those feelings meant to me. 

I believe in a pre-existence, and in life after death. I believe that we all lived together in the presence of God before coming to earth, and that after we die we will be reunited with our families for all of eternity. Now, this may sound crazy to some of you... but I think that perhaps in the pre-existence we knew of the struggles we would face on earth, and that we agreed to tackle them in order to complete our journey here and make it back to our Father in Heaven. Maybe Cash's parents knew of their physical challenges that would prevent them from having children... and maybe I said I would help bring Cash to them through an unconventional way, in order to allow him to gain a spirit and be with his temporal family. (which are the ones he was adopted into).

Whether or not my theory is true, I find peace in believing it is. 
I can't ask for anything more than D&Y making sure Cash knows every day who I am, and how much I love him. After all.... I delivered him from God's arms- to theirs. 

(This quote means everything to me. It is from the song "From God's Arms to My Arms, to Yours" by Michael McLean. I first read this quote on a picture in the office of my Adoption Counsellor, the first time I met with her. The words completely stuck with me from that day on, and that is where I got the name for my blog from!) 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Day 9: Support.

I truly could not have made it through this difficult trial without the support of those around me.
I owe so much to my family, my friends, Curtis, and my Savior Jesus Christ. 

My family showed unconditional love every step of the way- and made sure that I never felt alone. They supported me throughout every decision, and were there for me when I needed it. I never felt pressured by them, or unloved in any way. I am very fortunate to have the family I have!!

I am grateful for my friends, who stood by my side and made those 9 months bearable. I always felt included and accepted and for that I am very grateful. I am especially grateful for Nikki- who was living on the other side of the country at the time I found out I was pregnant, and moved back to be with me. This girl singlehandedly taught me the true meaning of true friendship. She literally was at my side throughout everything- including Cash's birth. I couldn't have asked for a stronger girl to help me through the hardest times of my life. She loved Cash as if he was her own- and she cried with me every step of the way. Cash's placement was a difficult thing for her to experience as well because she had grown so attached to him, and I want her to know that I understand this now. She was always there for me when I needed her, and she will never know how much that means to me!

Curtis. Although at the time he was just a "sperm donor", Curtis grew to love Cash just as much as I did. He is truly the only person who completely understands how I feel, and I am grateful for his constant support over the past 5 years. It doesn't matter where we are in life, I know that I can always turn to him when I need someone to talk to, because chances are he needs me as well. There have been countless times in the past where I have called Curt and not said anything- but he will just listen to me cry, and know the reasons why. And he will cry with me because he feels the same, and then we will talk it out, and at the end of the phone call we will be okay. Because we both know we did the right thing for our son, no matter how difficult it may be.

Most importantly, I recognize the hand of my Saviour throughout this difficult time in my life. From day 1, I felt of his love and knew that no matter what trials lay ahead of me, I would not be left alone. It was the strength I received from Him that got me through the hardest days. The days when I felt like giving up, because the pain was too much. It was those days that I felt His love surround me, and pull me back onto my feet. I felt Him when I felt too weak to even get out of bed, but knew I could make it through the day because He was be with me every step of the way, holding me up. It is the belief I have of knowing when this world is over, I can be with my son again. That all the mistakes I made are washed away through His grace, and that with His help, my empty heart can be made whole again. I owe my life to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, in more ways that one. Truly their light and support is what single-handedly guided my life throughout the darkness and still guides my life today.

I could not have persevered throughout my struggles without the support of those mentioned above. I can't imagine how different things would have been had I not had the love of my family and friends around me as I endured some pretty tough things. I am so grateful for them, and for the continued support today. I love you all !!!!!

Day 7 and 8: That Plus Sign, and The Adoptive Parents.

Day 7: You can see my original post about that "plus" sign here- life changing moment 


I wrote 2 posts in November 2010 about choosing the family and meeting the family. Take a look :)

I am so blessed to have these two (and their daughter) in my life. They are an amazing couple, and have brought so much joy into my life. They truly have given Cash everything I could have ever hoped for him, and more. I have zero doubts in my mind that they are the family that Cash was predestined to be with. I am comfortable with the boundaries that we have set pertaining to our relationship and recognize that THEY are a family first and foremost, and I just offer some extra love ;) They have open communication with Cash pertaining to our situation, and he is fully aware that he has two moms, and two dads, and even at 4 years old he knows he is part of a very special story. I know that it was extremely difficult for them to accept that they could not have children of their own, but I love them for opening up their lives and hearts to me and allow everyone involved the benefits of an open adoption, regardless of how emotionally difficult it is for them.

I love this family so much. I have the utmost of respect for them, and feel 100% confident that they are raising Cash in the absolute best way. I know that they think of me in everything that they do, and want to make me proud. And they do. Cash is a very lucky boy- and I am grateful that was able to play a role in allowing him the opportunities that he has now, with his forever family. 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Day 6: My Happy Place.


Nothing makes me more happy than being with my Family. I have been incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support system, especially over the past few years. My first nephew, Hunter, was born when I was 12 years old. I remember the morning we got the phone call I immediately changed my MSN Messenger name to "Auntie Dallas" haha.. since then, and 6 more babies later, being an Aunt is still one of my defining titles and truly the greatest blessing in my life. I love those little kids more than anything!

We have a cabin in the mountains near Waterton Park, Alberta, and it is my favourite place in the world. It is a place where I can feel at complete peace, enjoy the company of my family, and escape the pressures in my life at school and work. It was here that I came with my parents the morning I placed Cash into his family. Being there is what got me through the most difficult day of my life. It was so comforting to be looking at the trees and mountains, and process what I had just endured before I started my grieving process. I felt of my Heavenly Father's love for me so strongly that day, as I was surrounded by his beautiful creation.

Planted this tree on the day of Cash's placement

Not the best photo, but these are the loves of my life !! 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Day 5: Fears.


My greatest fear: I am afraid that Cash won't come searching for answers, because he already has them. Cash knows that he has two moms and two dads, and that we love him equally. He has the answers he needs to know because our adoption is open, and when he is old enough, all the information will be available at his fingertips. Because of this, I worry that he won't have a desire to find out about where he came from, since he has been hearing the story since he was born. I worry that when he grows up he won't feel the need to have a relationship with me, because he already knows enough.

I am afraid that I will never feel great love. I worry all the time that I am no longer capable of having someone love me because I am "used".. I get anxiety at the first possibility of a relationship because I realize that at some point, I will have to share my story with this person... and I worry that they won't accept me because of my past. I also fear that I won't have the opportunity to have more children. This would absolutely break my heart, because one of my goals is to have children that I am in a position to raise in a stable environment. I worry that my experience as a birthmother will prevent me from accomplishing my greatest dream- which is to someday be a wife and mother.

I chose the quote "Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEAR" because it is something I strive to do each day. I have all these concerns, and at times it does really affect my perception. But, I do have FAITH that with the help of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, all things will work out accordingly. I have FAITH that even when times get hard, I can look to Him and be comforted in my sorrows. I have FAITH in a greater plan than any of us has the capacity to see, and that whatever happens, happens the way it is meant to be. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Day 4: The First Photo.


My birth-son Cash was born at 3:59 am on Friday June 18th, 2010. I had a natural delivery, mostly due to the fact that I am completely terrified of needles and the thought of an epidural going into my back did NOT sit well with me. I decided early on into my pregnancy that I would do it natural, and with the advice of a family friend, I looked into "Hypno-birthing" and taught myself how to relax through the contractions as best I could.

It is true what they say- as soon as you see that baby you forget all about the pain. 

That night is all a blur. I don't remember much from before I saw him- but thats one moment I will never forget. I can't get over how alert Cash was from the moment he was born. I never heard him make a sound in those first few hours. He was quiet, wide-awake, and content. It was a very surreal experience for me.. As soon as the nurses handed him to me after checking his vitals, everything else going on in the room seemed to disappear. It was me and him, and no one else. I was focussing on nothing but that little bundle in my arms. Everything I had gone to up to that point suddenly became worth it. Seeing this little face, and feeling of my love for him, made it all worth it.

In these photos, I was a mother. 

I had finally met the little boy I had carried for nine months, and grown to have such a strong connection to. Everything leading up to that point had been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences that at times had left me feeling hopeless and alone. But I wasn't alone- I had HIM. It was me and him, for nine whole months. I had made life-changing decisions on behalf of little guy, and this was it. This was when I got to meet him, to kiss him, and to tell him that I loved him and was doing this all for him. What an amazing experience, to hold this tiny child who unknowingly had been a part of a plan, and was going to change lives now and forever. 

I loved him the way any mother would love their child, only mine had some strings attached. I knew that he was meant for another family, and these moments together would be fleeting. I loved him the way I knew his adoptive mother would have loved him, if she was there. I thought of her, and how I knew I could trust her to love our son just as much as I did in those moments. I thought of how blessed we all were to be a part of this amazing experience. I thought of how much I loved him, and how hard it was going to be to say goodbye. 

I adore these photos because in them he was mine, if only for a moment.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Day 3- Debunking the Stereotypes.

 "In adoption, a child is not GIVEN UP. A birth mother GIVES LIFE, a child a family, unconditional love. She GIVES a part of her heart that will never feel whole. She GIVES another mother a part of her heart that was always missing. An adoptive mother GIVES a  family to this child. She GIVES unconditional love. She GIVES a part of her heart to another mother. You GIVE a lot- just never GIVE UP. - Terra Cooper" 

The biggest stereotype that I have faced over the past 5 years has been that I didn't love my baby, and that was the reason I was "giving him up". Let me set this straight- birthmothers do not "give up" their children. We give them LIFE, and we give them LOVE- but we never give up! I went through hell and back to give Cash the life he deserved.. I cried countless tears over the loss I felt, for his eternal gain. If I was concerned about my own feelings, I would have kept him so I wouldn't have to feel those pains. It would have been so much easier at the time. 
Birthmothers do not volunteer to endure a lifetime of emotional pain- we do it for the pure love for our children's well-being. We do it so that they have a shot at seizing every opportunity that life has to offer.
Placing Cash for adoption was the single hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life. But I loved him enough to let him go. 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Birthmom Photo a Day- Day 2- Why I Chose Adoption.


I made this decision for HIM, and him only. I wanted the absolute best for my child, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to give him that. His birth father and I were not in a situation where we could raise a child together, so marriage was out of the question very quickly. Abortion was not an option for me and was not considered.
I chose adoption because I had an undeniable feeling that it was the plan set out for my child. I know that sounds crazy, but I can't really explain it anymore than that. I just had this feeling I couldn't shake. I believed from very early on that my child was going to bless the life of another family, besides my own. I had already made my decision from very early on in my pregnancy, and didn't falter much from it.

I believe that I chose a very difficult path and that my life could have been much, much easier had I decided to go a different route besides Adoption. What I had to endure was extremely painful, emotionally, mentally and physically. But I firmly support the decision that I made to do what I know was the best decision for my son, both in this life and in the eternities to come.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Birthmom Photo A Day- Day 1- About Me

Day 1: ABOUT ME.

Hi! I am assuming by now that you have all followed my blog at some point in the last 4 years, but if this is your first time reading - Welcome !! 

Who am I ? I am a cosmetologist by trade, a third-year Commerce student majoring in Management, and most importantly - I am a birthmother to a darling boy who was born in June of 2010. I started this blog four years ago as I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of placing my child for adoption. I started it for personal reasons because it was an easy way for me to document my experience and rehabilitate myself by writing my feelings out. What started out as a personal journal quickly became a public display for everyone to read.. At first I was a little hesitant, because I was being so vulnerable. I was allowing everyone to be a part of what I was going through, the good and the bad. But I then decided that this blog was a great way for me to shed a little light on what adoption is really like, and why I did what I did. My life has since progressed slowly past this emotional and difficult time, and I am doing wonderful now. Yes, I still have my hard days as every birthparent does, but they are few and far between as they are replaced by happy memories and experiences as I see my birth-son grow up. 

Being a birthmother does not define me- it strengthens me. 

I would not be where I am today if I had not gone through the incredible experience of having a child and placing that child for adoption. I grew so much as an individual during that difficult time, and subsequently for the years after as well. I will go through all of that on a later date, but I would be lying if I said that I was not grateful for this trial in my life and how much I was able to grow because of it. Not a day goes by that I don't think of that little boy, and how much love I have for him. I owe so much to him. I live my life each day with the sole intention of making him proud. 

My name is Dallas, and I am a birthmother.


Hey everyone ! So I have been a little MIA on the whole blogging front lately, and the other day I saw this challenge being shared on Instagram... I thought to myself, it would be a great way to share my story and get back into the blogging world ! When I started my blog FOUR years ago (Crazy right !) It was an extremely therapeutic form of healing for me, and although I am doing emotionally well now, I believe it will still be therapeutic for me to revisit the whole experience again. SO here it goes !! Over the next 3o days, I will be sharing a blog post that follows the above challenge. I will be posting a few photos on Instagram, but the majority of this challenge will be done via my blog. I am not 100% open with my adoption story on Facebook and Instagram (for many reasons, but mostly to protect the privacy of Cash and his family, and also because I am not proud of the fact I became pregnant as a teenager and don't believe the whole world needs to know my personal story) BUT November is National Adoption Month and I would like to bring more awareness to Adoption, and the wonderful thing that it is. Stay tuned as I complete this journey !! 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Happy 4th Birthday, Little Man

It seems that time passes by so quickly, and it isn't until Cash's birthday approaches each year that I realize the full extent of that. I cannot believe it has been FOUR years since I had that cute little guy. FOUR years since my life flipped upside down. 
In four years, the pain hasn't left- but it has lessened. 

In the past four years I have made peace with my decision, learned from my mistakes, and realized that I can't hold onto things I have no control over. Things are not ideal, and I wish that I had more involvement in Cash's life than I presently do. But I don't, and I can't be angry about that. 

Whether he is physically a part of my life or not, he is always part of it nonetheless. 
Four years later, I still think of him every day. No amount of time will ever change that.
So as hard as it is, I'm sending all of my love to him today as I always do. 

Sunday, June 15, 2014

for my dad.

This post is about my hero, my first love, and my greatest fan. This is to the man who provided for his family in so many more ways than simply physical provisions. He has worked hard every day of his life, and even throughout difficult times, he always manages to keep laughing.
If you haven't had the privilege of meeting my father, you are seriously missing out. This man has a heart of pure gold, and is hilarious to boot. I know a lot of people feel this way about their parents, but I ACTUALLY have the best dad in the world. (Don't even try to fight with me on that one, because I will win haha) He would do absolutely anything for my siblings and I, and for anyone who needed him, for that matter. I have witnessed him countless times going to help a neighbour, whether they asked for it or not, and if he got a call from someone who needed him, he would drop everything and be there as soon as he could.

I can feel of a special bond that my dad and Cash share, even though their time together has been short. I know that it was very difficult for him to see me go through the experience that I did. I know that he would have been incredibly supportive if I had decided to parent Cash, just as he was supportive of my decision to place. Not once did he or my mom tell me what to do, and I am so grateful for that because it was 100% my decision and they allowed me that freedom. I have never once doubted that he or my mom loved me, because they show it in a hundred different ways. All throughout my life he made sure I knew how much he loved me. He was always writing little notes for me to find that said "I love you", and now that I am on my own he will send emails and texts randomly, just to remind me that he is thinking of me and loves me. But he doesn't have to tell me with words, because he shows it even more so with everyday actions and acts of service to remind me how much he cares. If I am ever feeling down, all I have to do is call my dad and he instantly will make me feel better, simply by reminding me of how lucky I am to have a man like him as a role model.

I would sincerely consider myself lucky to marry someone who is half the man my father is. He is understanding, selfless, loving, hard-working, funny, Christ-like, kind, and all around a genuinely wonderful person. As you can tell from this whole long spiel, is that I hold a very, very special place in my heart for this man. No one is perfect, but in my eyes he is pretty darn close. Every day of my life I feel of his unconditional love for me, and not a moment goes by that I am not grateful that I was sent to this earth to be raised by two wonderful parents. I am so blessed.


Sunday, May 11, 2014

i AM a mother.

Another Mother's Day has approached, which means another painful time of year for us Birthmoms. But this year feels different to me than previous years before. An account on Instagram has recently started trending #placed- that got me thinking about the terms we use to describe adoption, and why the negative connotation needs to be changed. I am tired of hearing the words "gave up". 

Birth mothers don't "give up" their children- We give them LIFE, we give them LOVE, we give them HOPE, and most importantly; we give them a FAMILY. Birthmothers put the needs of our children above the desires of our hearts, and just as our own mothers do every day of their lives, Birthmom's do what is best for our children, purely because of the pure love we have for them. Birthmother's sacrifice their own happiness, for the well-being of their children. We give a little piece of our heart that can never be replaced. We give another mother the gift she was always missing. We give & give & give & give- but we never GIVE UP. 


I became a mother the moment I started carrying a child. I became a mother when I gave birth to a little boy and felt the same love all mothers feel for their children. I switched roles and became a BIRTHMOTHER during that sacred moment when I placed my son into his Mother's arms. No matter how untraditional the route was that brought me there, I AM still a mother. For a fleeting moment I played the active role of one, and now I get to watch my son from the sidelines.
 I am so deeply thankful for my experience, no matter how hard it has been. I am thankful for the beautiful woman who protects a part of my heart she gets to call her own- and that she gives that little boy SO much love. I am thankful that I call myself a birth MOTHER- and that no one can take that away from me.
So yes, there are still streams of tears falling down my cheeks- but they are there to remind me of what I GAVE. And that's what I will be focussing on this Mother's Day. It's still a painful day, but it is a happy day too. Wishing a very Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing women in my life who are mothers, each in our own unique ways. I love you all. 

Friday, January 3, 2014

reflection on the year

Isn't it amazing how time passes us by & nothing seems to change- & then you look back on a whole year & it seems like nothing is the same ?

I am terrible at journal keeping, so this post will be my journal reflection on the past year. No surprise that its late, but here is a list of my most memorable moments of 2013:

  • Playa del Carmen, Mexico: attended a seminar hosted by Kerastase Paris for top salons in Canada. This was an amazing opportunity for me to gain knowledge from some of the top business owners in my industry, and also meet other beauty professionals from across Canada. This week was a great learning experience for me, as well as a lot of fun. Plus its Mexico- whats not to love about a trip there! 
  • Toronto: Took a very intensive advanced hair cutting course- very very lucky to have a job that helps out with advanced education because I am very fortunate to have been able to take this class. & I just love downtown Toronto- the food, shopping, its all amazing ! 
  • Attended my first Gala - I bought this amazing gold Ralph Lauren gown, and it was a happy moment for me because I almost felt like I was reliving my grad haha- as we all know, I was 9.5mos pregnant for my high school grad, and I didn't get to wear a dress that I normally would have picked out. So this was really exciting for me. 
  • Palm Springs, CA: Weeklong vacation there and attended Stagecoach (Country version of Coachella)- I am a HUGE country music fan so this was an amazing experience !! I highly recommend going if you have the chance (as long as you can survive in 40 degree weather outside all day!- SO HOT)
  • Vegas: I am in love with the Backstreet Boys (as you all probably know by now) and I was fortunate enough to be able to see them in VEGAS to celebrate my friends 25th Birthday, as well as a month late celebration of my 21st. Lets just say it was an absolute blast haha. We had so much fun at the BSB concert and then went to their after party and were just feet away from them. Definitely a major highlight of my whole year.  

Relationships - Some ended, and others began. I went through a very difficult breakup this year, and I actually couldn't be more grateful for that- as heartbreaking as it was. I learnt so many things through that experience, and I grew so much as a person after allowing myself to walk away from it. I realized what I truly wanted out of a relationship, and pretty much life in general. Yes, I made mistakes. But because of those, I realized what I needed to change in my own life and how I wouldn't allow myself to go through the same experience again.

In my career this year, I did some pretty cool things and furthered myself so much. Most recognizable was that I helped start up a new salon. This was a very challenging and exhausting, yet rewarding experience for me. I did things I never imagined I would do, and achieved some major things that I didn't imagine I would in 21 years of life haha. I pretty much spent my summer around the clock there- making sure construction was going as planned, deciding on changes, developing an operating system, hiring(sometimes firing), on and on… I put my heart and soul into that salon- And I couldn't be more proud of the outcome. I am truly blessed to be a part of a team where we are constantly striving to become better at what we do. We have a great support system, and everyone is willing to help out when needed. While my job is not always easy, it is definitely rewarding and enjoyable.

I definitely became more independent this year as well. I did things that were completely out of the ordinary for me, such as flying alone, snowboarding alone, etc. I realized that I do not need to depend on others- if I want to do something, I will dang well do it !! haha. I am learning to be more content with myself and being alone. This is a very big step for me, but necessary for my overall growth as an individual.

Well, it seems that growing up and getting older means that the dynamic of life changes too- I can't even count how many friends got engaged/married or are having/had babies in 2013. And to be honest- I am a tad bitter about the whole thing. I can't really explain my feelings towards why I feel the way that I do- I have been accused of jealousy and maybe thats true and I had been in denial about it until now haha… But heres the honest truth now- Yes, I am a little jealous. I had the opportunity to create a family for myself 4 years ago. I chose not to because I wanted more for myself, and for my child. That is something I stand behind 100% and would never go back on that decision. But the fact that people around me are getting married makes me bitter because I so wish that I had been in a different situation all those years ago. While I don't have a child now- In my mind and heart, I am a mother. I felt the same emotions any new mother would, and still feel that way sometimes. My heart and arms ache to have my little baby back again. So while I look at my friends new families, I am overjoyed for them that they have found happiness. But it is bitter-sweet, because I know that I have so much love to give, and no one to give it to. But of course, the time will come. (I guess I didn't learn patience this year.. haha)

2013 was a complete roller coaster ride for me. The girl I started 2013 as is not at all the same person who sits here now facing 2014. And that is a good thing. I faced numerous challenges this year that were extremely hard for me. 2010 was definitely the most difficult year of my life after the adoption of my son, but 2013 was pretty dang close. A lot of really hard things happened to me this year, and most won't be shared on here.. But I have learnt from those trials, and hope that they will shape my future so that I can create a positive outcome for myself. I lost myself for a good portion of the year, and it took hitting some serious road blocks to make me realize where I wanted to be, and what changes I had to make in my life to get there. Somehow, I pulled through these low moments and something good came out of each one of them once I made up my mind to find the positive hiding.
So, at the end of 2013, I am very content. I am happy with who I am, and where I am heading. Excited to see where 2014 will take me. I know it won't all be smooth, but I know that I can overcome whatever obstacles come my way. Bring it on, 2014- I'm ready for you !!