Sunday, December 25, 2011


This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life. 

I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs. 
My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well. 

I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day. 

On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after ! 

Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....

Knowing her decision
Was one for the best
She lights a candle in memory
Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle
flickers with light
The wind outside is howling
She finds little comfort on this lonely night

She takes out an album
And gently dusts off the cover
It is all she has left
To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo
of her little one
They are her only ties
To her precious son.

Silently a tear
Slips down her cheek
She wipes it away quickly
So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never
be the same again
She will always be thinking
of her little man.

She knows through her pain
For him this was right
But her unselfless deed
Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty
Her heart is still breaking
He is with somebody else
And she is left aching.

I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! 

Her heart sits on each page
Of that dusty book
In his eyes, his little face
The way that he looks.

She can't hide her pain
She can't hide her tears
This is the first of many
Long, painful years

It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's. 
I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.

But the light that she sees
At the end of all this
Is the smile on his face
He is truly blessed

With that thought
She slowly readies for bed
To sleep all night
Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down
And heads off to sleep
Knowing his memory
She will always keep.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all. 

Sunday, December 18, 2011

18 months

I can't believe 18 months have passed since I gave birth to my dear boy. So tiny and perfect, he is quickly growing into a handsome little man. A year ago, these milestones would have affected me more than they do now, when the pain was fresher, deeper. While tears still slowly fall down my cheeks as I type tonight, I know that all will be okay. God did not send us here to struggle, he sent us here to learn and to grow. And that is exactly what Cash and I both are doing. 

" Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love "

Happy 18 months of life to my little angel

sharp knife of a short life

I had been reading a lot lately about mothers who lost their children. And I realized something that I hadn't really thought of before. I have said in other posts that giving a child up for adoption is like having a loved one pass away. But I am officially taking that statement back as of this moment.
I have a small idea of what losing a child feels like. But I realize now the pain really can't compare. My heart breaks for these women.. one, who's daughter was a stillborn, another who's premature twins died shortly after birth, and a single mom who made the heartbreaking decision to take her 18 month old off of life support. I cannot even fathom the emotions they were feeling, and are still going through. I have said that I lost a child. But I still have contact with him, and know he is being taken care of. These other mothers have trouble finding comfort in their pain, when there is only memories to hold on to. 
Just goes to show there are always people going through something harder that we are. 

Early Thursday morning of this week, 4 more mothers lost their children too early. All are grieving the loss of their son or daughter, and another is grieving for all 4 lives. I know that most of my followers are not from the small Southern Alberta city I come from, but the event that occurred this horrible night has grown into a national story, so I am sure most of you know about it by now. Hearing the news of these deaths really hit me when I first heard the names early Thursday, I didn't know them personally, but we had many mutual friends and I felt so sad for my childhood friend who was dating one of the boys that was killed. I had an immediate feeling of shock I felt when I heard the other name... I didn't believe it, and I still don't want to. My memories of Derek Jensen are completely different than the memories the world holds of him now. My heart aches for his family and the emotions they must be enduring right now. Words cannot describe how anyone involved with this tragedy is feeling, nor should we try to. May we remember these young lives the way we knew them here, and wait for our questions to be answered when we see them again.

Rest in Peace, Derek Jensen - Mitch Maclean - Tanner Craswell - Tabitha Stepple

Sunday, December 11, 2011

"Ultimate Sacrifice" by Madilyn Bailey

This song was written by a girl named Madilyn for her friend who was placing her child for adoption. It is so hard to find a good adoption song, but this is PERFECT. You all know I've been at a loss of words lately... so as usual here is a song that explains it all. How I felt 18 months ago as I was getting ready to place Cash into his mothers arms.

I can give you all the love you want 
But I know that'll never be enough
Because a home is made of more than just well wishing
And there are so many things I can't give to you that you'll be missing
I know that love isn't true unless it's unconditional
So I don't get to chose whether or not to love you 

So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right

I'll break my heart to make yours whole 
Cause it's the only thing I can do
This chance at happiness
Is the only thing that I can give to you

My heart can't ache any more than it does
This is the ultimate sacrifice for love

There's this little piece of me
That you took hold of the moment that you laid eyes on me

I know that struggle here is far from done 
But the memory of you will help me through
The hard days to come

And this grieving has made my heart so weak
Not sure if I'll ever be able to love someone
With the same intensity

So with all the strength and courage I posses I'll try
To do the only thing that I can see is right

The hardest moment of my entire life. 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

everything you're thankful for

I came home from an incredibly long day at work today and was feeling a little grumpy. I could tell the grumpiness was going to be leading into a pity party for myself that evening as I walked through our back entrance. I got to the kitchen, only to find a disaster (as per usual... ha) and I grumbled a bit to myself, now understanding how my own mother felt when she arrived home and nothing had been done. I glanced at our white-board, where the sometimes bitter notes to each other usually sat, and read something that really softened my heart. My roommate Melissa had wrote, 
"What if You Woke up Tomorrow with Only the Things You Thanked God for Tonight ?" 

I really pondered this thought as the night progressed. (I still had a little pity party for myself, but it was necessary haha) I then turned it around to, "What if I woke up tomorrow without the things I forgot to thank God for tonight?" So often we don't think about the things we are truly grateful for, until a moment makes us realize it- and sometimes too late. Like the old saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." That's a pretty sad thought, if you ask me. There are so many things in this life I take for granted, and I don't want to anymore. I'm challenging myself- and all of you!- before you go to sleep at night, think of everything you are thankful for. Remind God (and yourself) of the things you don't want to wake up without. Maybe even make a list, and continue adding to it every day. I bet we could each fill an entire book of everything we are grateful for! 
In the spirit of Thanksgiving (even though Canadian Thanksgiving was last month, I missed it because I was in Europe), I will start my "thankful" list here, of the things I most definitely could not imagine waking up tomorrow without. 

1. I am most grateful to a certain blonde haired little boy, who completely turned my world up-side down. I could never in a million years imagine continuing life not knowing him. He did not make the decision to come here, but through being here he made me a completely different person. My whole perspective on life (and love) changed, and for that I am truly grateful. 

2. I can't imagine waking up tomorrow without my family, each and every single one of them. My dad, who has the biggest heart of anyone I know... My mom, who became my best friend when everyone else walked away. Those 6 adorable kids who call me "Auntie", the ones I would unquestionably give my life for- My sisters, my brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... the list could go on and on. I am super blessed to be born into the family I was, and I love each of them so very much.

3. I am thankful for my friends- there are a select few who stick out the very most to me, but each of my friends over the years has made a big impact on my life in their own way. Those friends who, when things got tough for me, didn't walk away. The ones who stood by my side in the face of adversity and pulled me through it, making sure we would make it out alright together. I am grateful for the friends who were forgiving, sometimes more than once, and who just wanted what was best for me- even if it wasn't always the easiest thing to do. 

4. I am grateful for the gospel in my life, and for the beliefs and values that I have. Although (clearly) I have faltered at times, I have never doubted what I know to be true. Without that guidance in my life, I honestly do not know where I would be at right now. Life would certainly be different thats for sure.

As long as I woke up every morning with these 4 things, everything would be alright. The material things in life really don't matter (although I am grateful for all of that, too!) So make a list, and make sure you think specifically about all the things you can't imagine living without. Thanks Mel, for giving me a little wakeup call ! 

just a blah day.

It's been a long time since I've made a post like this. I've been able to hold myself together pretty well, without many sad days. With each passing day, the pain gets more bearable. Every day still has heartache, but I learn how to cope when thoughts come into my mind... but that doesn't mean that it ever is fully erased from my mind, either. Little things trigger the hurt- tonight, I was reading a post my friend made on her boyfriends wall, who passed away 3 months ago in a car accident. Of course nothing was said about adoption, but whenever I read about other people's pain, it only brings back my own. 
I miss him purely for my own selfish reasons. I'm very lonely living away from home, and I wish with all my heart that I could just have him here with me. To smile up at me when I'm sad, to give me cuddles in the mornings, to know someone loves me unconditionally. All these things I picture him doing with his real mom, and sometimes I just wish I was her. I know I gave up the chance to do all these things, but that doesn't mean sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't. 
I guess I'm just rambling on and don't really have a point for this... I've been struggling with finding the words for posts these past few months. I feel like my mind has just shut off and is refusing to put my feelings into words. Blah. Hopefully have some real posts coming for you all soon.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Advice from Elder Busche

This video is a must-watch for everyone. A friend posted it on her facebook page when she was going through a hard time, and I clicked on it out of curiosity. Can I saw WOW? I really needed to see this video at this time, It totally helped me refocus and gain a new perspective on what I sometimes forget is most important in life. This video summed up everything that we need to remember, everything we need to do - to be happy. And thats what we all strive for, isn't it? Just watch, reflect, and learn. I loved this! Here are some quotes that especially stuck out to me personally: 

"In life, there have to be challenges that either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision on which road you will take." 

"God knows you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions where to approve. God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen and follow the uncomfortable suggestions He makes to us- Everything will fall into its place.

"When you are compelled to give up something, or when things that are near to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Special Day!

I got to spend time on Saturday and Sunday with the most amazing people. Saturday was Cash's sealing, and all of Y's family was there to join in their special day. My parents were also able to attend the sealing, and Curtis and I waited for them to finish (since we were not able to go into the temple). 
It was so great to see them so happy. Cash has grown a ton in the few months since I saw him last !! I couldn't believe it. He is such a little man now, it was so fun to see how much he interacts with everything around him. 
Then Sunday I met up with them to get my 16-month update. It was so nice to just have a relaxed meeting with them this time without any certain expectations or pressure, we just talked as any friends or family members would. 
Cash's big sister, S, recognizes me now and is getting more and more comfortable around me every time I see her. I like that. Her BM isn't involved at all, so I am sort of taking a small role in her life where her BM would've been. It was working out fine for them before Cash came along, but now my active role in their life complicates the fact that S's BM has never been. the They send me a few individual photos of her along with Cash's, and I am more than okay with that. I have been meaning to write a post about S and her BM, so I will try to get along with that shortly. I just don't want S to feel left out because of all the attention Cash gets from us, so I try to talk to her as much as I can and include her in our visits. It's important to me that she has a good outlook on birthparents and adoption when she is older, despite her own situation with it.

I've said it a thousand times already, but I could never say it enough. I love this family of 4 so much more than words can say. We have a great relationship and I know it will only get better in the years to come. I am so happy that I get to see Cash grow up and know that he is so perfectly loved and cared for. I've never seen a parent look at their children the way D&Y looks at Cash and S. Its amazing to me. You can just tell they would do absolutely anything for them, and I know they already do. 

I have been through a lot of heartache and pain these past 2 years. To say that I still cry thinking about the day I let my little boy go would be an understatement. But then I have weekends like this where I see for myself how happy he is, and it affirms to me yet again that I made the right decision. These trials I went through happened for a reason, and they brought me to this amazing family for a reason. 

Here are some pictures from my great weekend!! 

Such a happy boy!!  
So interested in the things around him
Look at the pretty flowers mom! 
Reaching back for mom
Making faces at Grandpa! 
So intrigued with the leaf !
Just love this little boy to pieces.

"In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be"

He's a mischievous little boy thats for sure !!

But so, so happy. Look at that grubby little face !!
I couldn't imagine anything cuter <3

Saturday, October 22, 2011

October 22

The date was October 22, 2009.
I was sitting on the floor in my friends bathroom with a stick in my hand. I refused to believe it was true, yet I knew it was. I very quickly made a decision that night that changed my life forever.

That was 2 years ago. Today is October 22, 2011.
I had one main reason for making the decision that I did 2 years ago. I was able to witness that reason come true today. The pain and heartache I experienced by placing Cash is all worth it now.

Cash was sealed to his adoptive parents today for time and all eternity. This means he will have the opportunity to live with his family forever in the after-life. This is such a profound thing to LDS members, and the biggest reason of why I decided to place him in an LDS home. As members, we believe that in order to have celestial glory, you must be sealed in the temple, either to your parents or to your spouse. Children who are born to parents who were married or sealed in the temple are automatically part of this covenant. For children who are not born into the covenant, like Cash, but are legally adopted, can be sealed to their parents once the adoption is finalized, therefore receiving the blessings associated with it.

It's sort of hard for me to explain, but short form: it was a really special day for Cash, his parents, and me. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

temple date.

I read through the last blog I posted and felt somewhat embarrassed. Until this point, I think I have done a good job at appearing strong throughout my trials. And that last post, well... not so strong. I guess I was just having a bad moment. This little thing called jealousy keeps rearing its ugly head inside me, and as much as I try not to, I let it get the best of me sometimes. Its a goal of mine to work on.

Well, today I got news from G (my social worker) that Cash and his parents are FINALLY going through the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. 

They initially chose Oct 15th, but I will be in EUROPE then ! So I was really upset that I wouldn't be able to be there on this special day. I told G about my situation, and she set out to see what she could do. D&Y are amazing people, and they changed the date to October 22nd so I will be able to attend. 

I am so excited for this day to come. I know it will not come without its share of hardness on me, but I am so happy for D&Y's little family. This sealing is one of the main reasons I decided to place Cash for adoption in the first place. Its a complicated thing to explain, and when I have more time I will try to do that for you all.

The First Time Cash was at the Temple... here in my belly at 17 weeks <3

"The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally."
- The Family: A Proclamation To The World

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

i'm selfish and i know it.

I've been having a little bit of a difficult time lately. Just the past few days have been really emotionally stressful on me. Life in Edmonton hasn't been going exactly as planned, and I've found myself becoming caught up in the things that are making me unhappy. 
It seems like everyone my age is getting pregnant/already having kids. This is really hitting me hard, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. One of these situations in particular is causing so many negative emotions to emerge from me that I thought I had tucked away long ago, and here they are coming out again. I feel so much resentment, anger, jealousy, regret- all selfish things, and I wish I didn't !  
Placement was 15 months ago. I thought that through this blog I was able to come to terms with it and heal to the best I could, affirming to myself and to others that adoption was the best decision for me. 
Well, now I'm starting to wonder.
Adoption was definitely the best thing for Cash. There is no way I could give him the life he has now. I know that. I know he's happy, and that makes me happier. He has a good life. But was adoption the best thing for me? 
I would've been a great mom. This is bad to say- but I would've been a better mom than most of these girls who are having babies out of wedlock. I feel like I just.... gave up on it all before it even started. I know I'm being selfish, because I made this plan so Cash could have a good life. 
But for once, I just want to be selfish. I don't have many posts that tell the ugly side of adoption, so here's the truth: I'm sad every day. Every single day, I think about that little boy and what could've been. I hate it. I'm so tired of feeling this hole in my heart where he should be.

I want this back.

Friday, August 12, 2011

a rambling thought

I've been reading some blogs from birthparents and adoptive parents and I find myself being somewhat angry with AP's right now. Not angry at D&Y by any means, just in general. (Cash's parents are great with our openness- definitely not saying otherwise here

There is a certain BM blog that I follow and we regularly comment on each other's posts.. I don't know this woman at all, but I feel a tender spot in my heart for her. She is part of an open adoption, but it seems to me that she does not have a very good relationship with her daughter's AP's, and that saddens me. She, like most BMs, does not want to step on any toes and make the AP's uncomfortable... but in turn that makes it feel like she is not "allowed" to see her birth daughter. This is causing her to feel a bit of regret that she placed in the first place, because she hasn't yet found that closure that is so easy to achieve when you have open contact.

This is what I think- and correct me if I am possibly just being dramatic- We, as Birth parents, have made it possible for APs to have a family. And in return, some AP's just cut off all ties to BPs because of fear. Fear of what, I don't really know. Now tell me, how can that possibly be fair? True, when a BM places she relinquishes all rights and privileges without any sort of legalities binding the openness agreement, but it was a gift of pure love- and they are left with nothing but a broken heart in return. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I am very passionate over BM rights. To me, refusing contact is what's selfish in this situation. For a BM to think she is not "allowed" to see her child is so sad to me. 

Of course, there is always the other side where a BM does not want contact, but thats an entirely different topic I will touch on later. Also, some AP's cut off contact with their BMs because they feel it is in their child's best interest, and I will not argue with that. I'm talking about AP's who agreed to an open adoption but are not willing to uphold that agreement because of selfish concerns, despite the child's best interest.

All I'm saying is that no BM should ever feel like they are not allowed to know how their child is doing. Adoptions have come a long way in the past few years, and obviously it's for a reason. There is no way I would have placed Cash if I wouldn't be able to see how he is doing. I think it is also super important for an adoptee to know where they came from, and who better else to heart that from but their birth-family? A main point of having an OPEN adoption is so that birthparents can see how their child is doing and continue to have the reassurance they need to know they made the best decision possible. Adoptive parents at least owe that to their children's birth parents, don't you think? 

It's late, and maybe I'm just rambling on, but this is really bothering me. I hope nothing I said was offensive. Comments please! 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

update coming soon

I've been impatient with my updates yet again... its almost 2 months late, again. Slightly frustrating for me because I SO look forward to them. Well G got in touch with D&Y and they have just been waiting a little bit to get more pictures and send some gifts along for the one year update. Again, I'm kicking myself for getting a little upset because of course I know they would never let me down.  They go above and beyond what I ever could have expected in my update packages, and I am so eternally grateful for that. Looking on the bright side- my next one is now due in 2 months instead of 4, so now I don't have to wait quite as long for that one. They are also taking him to the Temple next month to be Sealed to them- I will explain all that later :) So that means a visit is coming up too! Very excited. 

I feel so lucky to have a great relationship with Cash's APs, and that they are willing to share his life with me. They take so much of the hurt off my heart by keeping me involved in his life. I couldn't imagine having it any other way, and I am so very blessed by our whole situation. I got a new charm for my bracelet for Cash's 1st birthday and it totally speaks what I feel towards Cash & his parents:

 " I am grateful that in God's design, he planned it so your path crossed mine." 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

i'm back.

Well, I'm back in the blogging world. For how long, I don't know. I haven't decided what my mind and heart will allow me to do. But I do know that this post needs to be shared, because it has been weighing on my mind and I need to let it out...
My sister had her baby yesterday. A beautiful, 8 pound 12  ounce, 21 and a half inches long baby boy. Everyone is so happy for them! My dad is over the moon- and I don't blame him!
But Ah. That's where the hurt started. 
I thought I was okay. And I WAS ! 
My arms wanted to hold him so badly. I told my mom I got first dibs on the new baby. And I did- but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. It only made me miss holding my own baby. Being in the same hospital, seeing those white blankets. Reminiscing and comparing my own labor experience to my sisters. Remembering what it felt like to sit in that bed and hold something so perfect.
I envy her. She gets to take him home. She has a husband and family who supports her. She gets phone calls from family saying how excited and happy they are for her.  She gets to cuddle with her baby whenever she wants, and make sure he knows how much she loves him. 
I walked out of that same hospital alone just over a year ago, carrying nothing but material memories of him, and the heaviness of my heart. No one was excited or happy for me, only hurt. I don't get to cuddle him whenever I want, or make sure he knows I love him. I have no control over that.
I made the decision to let all of that go, and I am owning that decision. I don't regret it.
That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

I LOVE my new little nephew. I will never hold a grudge against him or anything like that. Its just hard for me to be in a hospital room and see a new baby. I know I'll get over it eventually. One day I'll have the opportunity to take my own precious one home. And what a great day that will be. 

Saying Hello to Cash, June 18th 2010

Saying Hello to Cooper, July 6th 2011

PS. I got to see Cash quick on Canada Day. I was in the parade in the town where I work and they were watching because Y is from there. I knew they would be there, but I didn't think I would see them. Y called my name out and I went over to say hi. She told me how beautiful I looked. Cash looked big and definitely not like a baby anymore. I chatted for all of 10 seconds and had to go because my float was way down the road. I wish I had asked to see them after but I didn't. I don't like stepping on any toes. It was just nice to say hello. I love that family so much.

Monday, June 20, 2011

things i'll never say

I have debated this thought for a few weeks now. It pains me to say so, but this might be my last post for awhile... My heart is just not into it anymore. It feels more like an obligation than a passion like it used to. There are so many things I want to say, and so many things I still need to share, but for some reason the words just won't come to me. There are about 20 half-completed posts with that taunting draft next to it. I just cannot bring myself to finish them and I don't know why. My last few posts especially should have been extremely hearfelt, and it dissapoints me that they were not. I think I have cried all my emotion out this past year and I find myself being mentally exhausted right now. I'm very numb. Thats the best word for it.
I've found myself coming to a crossroad- do I force a post, not feeling happy with the way it comes out, or do I quit writing until I am ready to mean everything I say? I want to post about the happy things going in my life too, but feel obligated to only write the sad things and I just don't want to do that anymore. I've debated deleting my blog all together. Some would say it hurts to think about the hurt. I agree with that, but I also disagree. When I first started blogging  in October, it was the best decision I could have made at that time. The emotions were so raw, memories so fresh in my mind, and writing helped me process my thoughts and make sense of it all. My blog has served its purpose.. To help others gather information, and to help me grieve my loss. My posts will still be here to read, I just have to go MIA for a little while to prepare for the posts that are still waiting for me to finish.
It has been a year since I placed Cash, and I feel I used that time to heal to the best of my ability. It still hurts incredibly, and I know it always will. Recent events in my life have caused me to realize that I will be OK. I don't want to say that I am moving on, but I feel that maybe it is okay to start to. I need this time now to take a break from thinking about the hurt and focus on making myself even stronger. I'm happy, and for the first time in a long time, I can say that honestly. My life has been absolutely busy and fun lately, and will continue that way for awhile. I'm welcoming that excitement with open arms.

"Love is sacrifice. However, when you love, sacrifice is easy. And when you really love, Sacrifice is joy."

Sunday, June 19, 2011

happy birthday, baby boy.

Cash's first birthday has come and gone. 
I treated it as another day- I worked and then went out with my parents and brother and sister-in-law for dinner to celebrate. I tried not to think about it. As soon as everyone left, I couldn't help but think about it.
My heart is absolutely breaking right now to think about it.
This time last year, I was looking at the most perfect child I had ever seen. You lay there, sleeping peacefully in my arms... I thought to myself, "How am I ever going to let you go? I love you too much to." 
I prayed for the strength to remember my reasons. My questions quickly changed to "How could I ever give you less than the best? I love you too much not to." 
Cash, the day you were born, exactly one year ago, I looked into your big beautiful eyes and I promised I would never stop loving you. Bittersweet tears rolled down my cheeks and onto yours, and I prayed that one day you would understand.

Tonight, I'm praying that one day MY heart will understand.
I feel an an emptiness that nothing, and no one but my little boy could ever fill. 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

something perfect.

G just sent me this poem. What could be more perfect for me to read today than this. G read it at our Birthmothers Day Dinner, and just received permission to send it out. Note who the author is... BF's Aunt. Kinda cool huh? Anyways, I really. really. really. needed to read this tonight. I feel comforted now, and hopefully I can get some sleep in before I work in 6 hours. I pray with all my heart that one day Cash will think this about me. 


You really are my mother.
The time I spent swaddled in the warmth of your womb….
Will always be ours. 
A mother with her child.
You cared for me and nurtured me in such a wondrous way.
It is you that truly gave me life.
I know it was hard for you to let me go
I know because I was there, I heard it all - felt it all
That moment – the moment when….
You made your most difficult decision ever.

Then the time came and the whole world stood still.
We said good-bye.

I know it took all you had….
To do what you knew was the best for me.
God knows your trial and your strength,
He knows of your great sacrifice, as he too gave a child.

I have never forgotten you….
Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile.
I know of your great love for me.
On each anniversary of my birth,
I think of you and offer a silent prayer….
A prayer of thanks for you
My great and courageous mother.
The mother who gave me life.
I know that one day we will meet
And you will take me in your arms.
And I will know you by….
Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile,
Your love.

- Cathy Matkin

hardest for me.

One year ago, I was this big....
A year ago, I learnt what true love was.
A year ago, I also learnt what true heartbreak felt like.

Let's just say I'll be crying into this blanket and frog tonight, hoping that maybe it will 
soak up some of the ache my heart feels for you. One can only try, right?
Happy 1st Birthday, Cash. I will forever love you.

Monday, June 13, 2011

i've got the scars to prove it.

Cash's 1st Birthday is coming up on Saturday.... I honestly CAN NOT BELIEVE it has already been a year since I held that little boy for the first time. I want to do something special. I have no idea what that might be, but for those of you who know me know that I am a perfectionist and I think about things waaaaayy too much. So here I am, 5 days away from the anniversary of the hardest day of my life, and I don't know yet what I am going to be doing. Ahhhhh, it is stressing me out already. HELP ME! Do any of you birthmothers, adoptive mothers, or adoptees have any ideas of what I should do on Saturday/ get for Cash for his birthday? I've been looking on other's blogs but haven't yet found much. I want to do something that will help me cherish the memories I have of him, and take my mind off of the sadness I will be feeling. I won't be seeing him on his birthday, but I will in early July so I can give them something then. Also, the BF and I have broken up, so I will not be with him like previously planned. 
Any and All ideas are greatly appreciated :)

On a side note, some very exciting things have been going on in my life lately!! Nikki came home for a short visit, and we have made up for the time lost while she was in Calgary. We went to the YSA Conference this weekend with Megan, we met some other really great people there, and had a BLAST ! I am so lucky to have such amazing friends ! Life is looking good right now :)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

for Nikki.

This post is in honor of a very special girl's 19th birthday. She is the single most supportive friend I had during this past year and a half. I honestly could not tell you where I would be without her in my life. She showed me that there is so much more to someone than meets the eye, and forgiveness is possible even in the worst of situations. She helped me remember that everyone can have another chance if they just take the steps to. She taught me that it is okay to have dreams and plans for the future, even if you know they might not come true. Through her example she helped me realize that I was taking important things in my life for granted. She taught me that if you believe something is true, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. She showed me that it is possible to love someone without even seeing them. She made me feel important enough to drive across the country for. Most importantly, Nikki taught me the value of friendship and what a best friend is. She taught me so many life lessons, more than I think she will ever realize. I will forever cherish the experiences we shared together. She was my therapist, my travel buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my comedian, my support system, my photographer, my confidant, my delivery coach, and my best friend. She is, and forever will be a part of my family. She knew absolutely everything about me, the good and the bad. We talked about our deepest feelings, and shared spiritual moments together. Even in my darkest times, she never allowed me to feel alone. This girl changed my world.. she taught me to look at life in a whole different light. She is determined, compassionate, genuine, trustworthy, strong-willed, hopeful, optimistic, beautiful, inquisitive, courageous, ambitious, loyal, brave, & the list could go on and on. She is such an example to me, and I hope to someday be half the person she is. When I look back on high school, Nikki was the friend that never faltered. No fight was too big to keep us apart for long. Some of the best memories I have include her, and there are far too many to name. Just thinking about them now makes me laugh, and others make me cry. I will forever be grateful for this girls' friendship, and no matter what happens in life I hope she knows that she will always be my best friend.

Summer 2008


This basically sums it all up.

Anaconda! I'm sorry Nik, I had to.

We sometimes acted like children.

Unsuccessful Waterton trip 2009
Successful Waterton trip, 2009
Sometimes we took roadtrips..
Summer 2009

First picture with Babis

Utah, April 2010

Grad 2010
Grad 2010
You were there, every step of the way

You saw Cash first.
Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you are with them..
but still, there is love between you.

Cash will always know of your love for him.

Bug, I hope you have a great birthday, 
because you definitely deserve it.
I love you so much, & don't you ever forget it.