Sunday, October 25, 2015

best thanksgiving ever.

This year, my fiancé and I were able to spend Thanksgiving with the family I am MOST thankful for.
I couldn't imagine a more perfect day.

I had a little bit of a breakdown on the way to their home (4 hours away)- partly because I was nervous for Max to meet Cash for the first time, but mostly because I just didn't know what to expect... It had been over 2 years since the last time I saw them in person! The last time we got together Cash was barely 3 years old, and still didn't really understand what was going on... and now he is 5 1/2, which makes a BIG difference. I also hadn't heard anything from them at all in over a year, and the updates are usually late (which is OK) but I was worried that they were going to tell me that they wanted to close our adoption. I was so scared as we pulled up to their home.... Would he be scared of me? Would they be uncomfortable with me being there? All the what if's, and all the unknowns.....

But as soon as I saw him, all of my fears washed away.

He knew exactly who I was. As soon as I walked in, he was a little shy, but he said hi and called me Dallas. When his mom asked him who I am, he whispered "my birth mom" (oh, my heart!)
He had gotten SO big since the last time I saw him!! He was so excited to show me his lego sets, and his room, and everything else he could think of. He told his own made up knock-knock jokes all throughout dinner, and laughed at himself. He was the smartest, and cutest little boy I have ever seen.

He wanted to show me a book that his mom and he prepared for me.. It was a book of all of his school work that he had done that year, and he told me about every single one. To see his face light up the way it did, made me so so proud. And then, he gave me a leather-bound journal. (Because his mom knows me so well!) Inside the front cover, he had drawn a picture of the two of us holding hands. We had matching blue eyes and blonde hair (Because I was blonde until he was 2 years old).... He signed it: To Dallas, Love Cash. It totally melted my heart!!!!!

We spent a few hours just talking together, with Cash and his sister playing in the background. It felt so normal, and the conversation between the 4 of us was easy, and comfortable. We each shared our feelings, and some questions about our future relationship, and I left feeling at peace.

When Max and I were leaving, Cash whispered to his mom, "Tell Dallas she can come visit me whenever she wants." I teared up instantly, because those words coming from such a small person meant the absolute most. We hugged, and then drove away. (And I bawled in the car, haha)

I feel so insanely blessed to have this relationship with Cash and his parents, and for their willingness to share some of their life with me. This meeting may be our last for quite some time, but I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to have those moments with them, and I will truly cherish them for the rest of my life. I love this family with all that I am, and I know for a surety that the decision I made nearly 6 years ago, was the right one. To hear that little boy who I love so so deeply know who I am- to have him tell me I can visit him- it makes it all worth it. I am so blessed.

Friday, August 21, 2015

my happily ever after.

I would like to tell you all a story. Its a love story, and its mine...
I am surprised that I haven't told this story sooner, but life has been busy, for reasons you will soon find out!

I am marrying the love of my life on January 2, 2016. 

 Our relationship developed very deeply, & very fast. We immediately connected in a way neither of us expected.. and haven't looked back. I've known he was the one for me since day 1.

He supports me, respects me, comforts me, and cherishes me.
He is patient, understanding, loving, and trustworthy.
He makes me laugh every single day- and tries especially hard when I don't want to. He has brought happiness to my life in ways I didn't know possible, and meaning to everything that I do.

He's my best friend, my confidant, my love, and my biggest fan.

He has accepted my flaws, and loves me through my weaknesses. He knows absolutely everything about me, and loves me more for it.

He is everything I didn't know I was looking for.

I never knew a love like this existed.
I was worried I would never find someone who could overlook my past and be okay with it. I was worried I wouldn't find a husband who understood my love for Cash and what I have been through. 
He might not understand completely, but he has a pretty good grasp on it. And what he doesn't understand, he tries to. He wants to.
He loves me for me, and all that comes along with it. And I do the same for him. We are a team- the good and the bad.

I can't wait to start my life with this amazing man, in an amazing new place. Arizona will become home to me in 4 short months, and I look forward to the new experiences that await me there.


Thursday, June 18, 2015

5 years ago.

five years ago, my heart learned what love was.

it also experienced complete and utter heartbreak as I had to leave that love behind.

Cash turned 5 years old at 3:59am today.

I can't believe it has been that long. It feels like only yesterday- I find myself having flashbacks to that moment when I first saw his face, and it is tearing my heart apart once again.

I miss him so much. 

It is easy as life goes on to forget to take the time to ponder and heal- something I know I need to continually do... My life has been blessed immensely in the past 5 years, but that doesn't mean I don't still have my moments of discontentment.

At times I wonder what life would be like, had I parented him.
But I know that he is where he is meant to be- in a loving family with two wonderful parents. As I type, I have just received an email from them with pictures of his day- what a cutie! I am so blessed to have contact with them and know that he is being cared for.

So tonight as I lay down to sleep, it is with a heavy heart. I ache to hold my little boy once more, and tell him of my love for him. But I know that his parents are doing that for me- telling him of his story once more, and how he will forever be surrounded by love, even if it is from a distance. 

I love you more than words can say, my sweet little boy. 
I always will.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Day 11: life before adoption


My life before adoption was an unhappy, disasterous place. I had been making choices in the years prior to my pregnancy that were not setting me up to be on a path much different from where I ended up. I was definitely influenced by my friends at the time, but I would never say they were at fault because I had the Agency to make these choices on my own. Although during those years I was experimenting with things I should not have been, in the back of my head I always knew that it was wrong, and that I needed to live a better life. But I thought I was fine, that I was still hanging onto some of my beliefs and values, and that what I was doing was really "not that bad". And then I experienced something as a result of a poor choice that sent my whole world into a downward spiral. I became angry, and didn't know what to do. So I turned away from the things and people who would make me happy, and I continued to make wrong choices, because I figured- why not. I hurt a lot of people along this path, and for that I am truly sorry. I was in a dark place, and not thinking of how my actions were affecting others. I lost myself for a good portion of that year-I didn't know where to go, or who to turn to... and then one day, it all changed. No longer was it about me.

When I found out Cash was coming into this world, it was as though everything snapped into place. I realized that I wasn't capable of giving him the life he deserved, and so I set out to give him that, no matter the cost. I was determined to keep my head high, and do what I could to make Him proud. My priorities changed, and the overall way I looked at life shifted abruptly, I truly realized what was important, and what was not.

Life before adoption was hard. Life during the process was even harder. But sitting here today, I can say it was all truly worth it. That little boy changed me for the better, and made me the person I am today. I am so grateful.

Monday, November 10, 2014

day 10: favourite quote

"And maybe, you can tell your baby
when you love him so that he's been loved before- 
from someone who delivered your son,
From God's Arms to My Arms, to Yours"

I have said before how I felt immediately that when I found out I was expecting adoption was my only option, and I felt very confident and at peace with that decision, because I knew in my heart that it was right. This quote summarizes what those feelings meant to me. 

I believe in a pre-existence, and in life after death. I believe that we all lived together in the presence of God before coming to earth, and that after we die we will be reunited with our families for all of eternity. Now, this may sound crazy to some of you... but I think that perhaps in the pre-existence we knew of the struggles we would face on earth, and that we agreed to tackle them in order to complete our journey here and make it back to our Father in Heaven. Maybe Cash's parents knew of their physical challenges that would prevent them from having children... and maybe I said I would help bring Cash to them through an unconventional way, in order to allow him to gain a spirit and be with his temporal family. (which are the ones he was adopted into).

Whether or not my theory is true, I find peace in believing it is. 
I can't ask for anything more than D&Y making sure Cash knows every day who I am, and how much I love him. After all.... I delivered him from God's arms- to theirs. 

(This quote means everything to me. It is from the song "From God's Arms to My Arms, to Yours" by Michael McLean. I first read this quote on a picture in the office of my Adoption Counsellor, the first time I met with her. The words completely stuck with me from that day on, and that is where I got the name for my blog from!) 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Day 9: Support.

I truly could not have made it through this difficult trial without the support of those around me.
I owe so much to my family, my friends, Curtis, and my Savior Jesus Christ. 

My family showed unconditional love every step of the way- and made sure that I never felt alone. They supported me throughout every decision, and were there for me when I needed it. I never felt pressured by them, or unloved in any way. I am very fortunate to have the family I have!!

I am grateful for my friends, who stood by my side and made those 9 months bearable. I always felt included and accepted and for that I am very grateful. I am especially grateful for Nikki- who was living on the other side of the country at the time I found out I was pregnant, and moved back to be with me. This girl singlehandedly taught me the true meaning of true friendship. She literally was at my side throughout everything- including Cash's birth. I couldn't have asked for a stronger girl to help me through the hardest times of my life. She loved Cash as if he was her own- and she cried with me every step of the way. Cash's placement was a difficult thing for her to experience as well because she had grown so attached to him, and I want her to know that I understand this now. She was always there for me when I needed her, and she will never know how much that means to me!

Curtis. Although at the time he was just a "sperm donor", Curtis grew to love Cash just as much as I did. He is truly the only person who completely understands how I feel, and I am grateful for his constant support over the past 5 years. It doesn't matter where we are in life, I know that I can always turn to him when I need someone to talk to, because chances are he needs me as well. There have been countless times in the past where I have called Curt and not said anything- but he will just listen to me cry, and know the reasons why. And he will cry with me because he feels the same, and then we will talk it out, and at the end of the phone call we will be okay. Because we both know we did the right thing for our son, no matter how difficult it may be.

Most importantly, I recognize the hand of my Saviour throughout this difficult time in my life. From day 1, I felt of his love and knew that no matter what trials lay ahead of me, I would not be left alone. It was the strength I received from Him that got me through the hardest days. The days when I felt like giving up, because the pain was too much. It was those days that I felt His love surround me, and pull me back onto my feet. I felt Him when I felt too weak to even get out of bed, but knew I could make it through the day because He was be with me every step of the way, holding me up. It is the belief I have of knowing when this world is over, I can be with my son again. That all the mistakes I made are washed away through His grace, and that with His help, my empty heart can be made whole again. I owe my life to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, in more ways that one. Truly their light and support is what single-handedly guided my life throughout the darkness and still guides my life today.

I could not have persevered throughout my struggles without the support of those mentioned above. I can't imagine how different things would have been had I not had the love of my family and friends around me as I endured some pretty tough things. I am so grateful for them, and for the continued support today. I love you all !!!!!

Day 7 and 8: That Plus Sign, and The Adoptive Parents.

Day 7: You can see my original post about that "plus" sign here- life changing moment 


I wrote 2 posts in November 2010 about choosing the family and meeting the family. Take a look :)

I am so blessed to have these two (and their daughter) in my life. They are an amazing couple, and have brought so much joy into my life. They truly have given Cash everything I could have ever hoped for him, and more. I have zero doubts in my mind that they are the family that Cash was predestined to be with. I am comfortable with the boundaries that we have set pertaining to our relationship and recognize that THEY are a family first and foremost, and I just offer some extra love ;) They have open communication with Cash pertaining to our situation, and he is fully aware that he has two moms, and two dads, and even at 4 years old he knows he is part of a very special story. I know that it was extremely difficult for them to accept that they could not have children of their own, but I love them for opening up their lives and hearts to me and allow everyone involved the benefits of an open adoption, regardless of how emotionally difficult it is for them.

I love this family so much. I have the utmost of respect for them, and feel 100% confident that they are raising Cash in the absolute best way. I know that they think of me in everything that they do, and want to make me proud. And they do. Cash is a very lucky boy- and I am grateful that was able to play a role in allowing him the opportunities that he has now, with his forever family. 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Day 6: My Happy Place.


Nothing makes me more happy than being with my Family. I have been incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support system, especially over the past few years. My first nephew, Hunter, was born when I was 12 years old. I remember the morning we got the phone call I immediately changed my MSN Messenger name to "Auntie Dallas" haha.. since then, and 6 more babies later, being an Aunt is still one of my defining titles and truly the greatest blessing in my life. I love those little kids more than anything!

We have a cabin in the mountains near Waterton Park, Alberta, and it is my favourite place in the world. It is a place where I can feel at complete peace, enjoy the company of my family, and escape the pressures in my life at school and work. It was here that I came with my parents the morning I placed Cash into his family. Being there is what got me through the most difficult day of my life. It was so comforting to be looking at the trees and mountains, and process what I had just endured before I started my grieving process. I felt of my Heavenly Father's love for me so strongly that day, as I was surrounded by his beautiful creation.

Planted this tree on the day of Cash's placement

Not the best photo, but these are the loves of my life !!