Tuesday, March 29, 2011

and then... i wake up.

You know Sleeping Beauty? Once Upon a Dream? She's in the forest telling her animal friends all about this prince she met. Leading them on and on and getting them all excited.. "We walk together, and talk together, and just before we say goodbye, he takes me in his arms.... and then I wake up. Yes, its only in my dreams."

I keep having these odd dreams a few nights a week.. They are so vivid after I wake up, and I never seem to forget them. They are always similar in nature. In one dream, Curtis and I were staying at D&Y's house, and in another they were staying with us at my house. The 4 of us are talking in the dreams, usually about Cash. It is such a comfortable setting and it seems as though we have been friends for years. Their daughter S is around, playing with us, and I know Cash is too.. The troubling part to me is that I never see him in these dreams. I know he's there, and we talk about him like he's right there, but I just can't see him. I want to see him, and I try so hard to!! But no matter what I do, I always seem to wake up right when I think I'm about to. I've been having dreams like this on and off since June, and not once have I actually seen him in them. I wish I understood what this meant, if it means anything. Ugh. 

"They say if you dream a thing more than once, it's sure to come true." Disney's Sleeping Beauty

Sunday, March 27, 2011

November 30, 2009

"Sometimes, the things that happen today  
make us a stronger person for tomorrow."
"I LOVE quotes. I LIVE by quotes. I have quotes all over my bedroom that hold personal meanings. This quote really spoke to me today. YOU aren't a burden to me baby, but the situation I am in is extremely hard for me to handle at times. People say hurtful things, and that doesn't make it any easier. I struggle to stay afloat, but I know I am going to grow so much from this experience, I already have. I feel somewhat blessed, because I believe you are being sent here for a reason. My patriarchal blessing made that clear to me. So Yes, even though things are difficult today, it will be a blessing down the road in life. I won't get discouraged when things get tough. Challenges and trials are a part of God's plan for us here on Earth. Its how we act and react from those problems that make the difference. Always keep your head held high, baby. Never, ever give up. No matter what you may be going through, you'll get through, and come out stronger on the other side. I promise."

Thursday, March 24, 2011


This video was so great that I knew I had to share it with the world. It's everything I could tell you summed up into one video. It's a little long, but so worth watching. 

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

getting impatient!

Waiting for my 9 month update from D&Y is like a 6 year old waiting for Santa to come. I keep my phone on me constantly, waiting for it to ring and tell me to come pick it up. I have not heard anything from them since our first visit back in December, and I am anxious to see what they have to say. They still haven't responded to my email. I hope everything is still okay.. Sometimes I worry that our visit made them want to withdraw contact.
Hopefully I get some pictures of him soon. 
I'm trying to stay patient.. I guess all there is to do now is wait. 

Friday, March 18, 2011

9 months.

My little one is 9 months old today. 
I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. 
But that doesn't make it any easier.

I am obviously pro adoption, but I will never sugar coat these feelings I have on the 18th of every month. And just about every other day. I knew it was going to be painful. But if I knew it was going to hurt this much, I probably would have thought about it a little bit more. That's why I get so angry when people say I was being selfish by placing him for adoption. You go right ahead and feel the way I have for the past 9 months and still tell me I was doing the best thing for myself. I have been through hell and back and its a wonder I am even here to let you read this. Even after 9 months it still feels like some part of me is missing. It will probably never go away, and I guess that's okay. It reminds me of the sweetest little boy, and all he has done for me without even knowing it.  
I'm hurting today.. that's nothing new.
Yet even though it's hard.. I'll never regret a second of it.

His hat says "thinking of mommy". I hope he knows his birthmommy is always thinking of him, too. 

"It seems like yesterday has come and gone so fast... but the memories will last... If there's one thing this mother knows, the hardest part is letting go."

Thursday, March 17, 2011

always be with you.

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind  
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time.  
There's no use looking back or wondering how it could be 
now or might have been. 

All this I know, but I can't find ways to let you go. 

I never had a dream come true till the day I found you. 
Even though I pretend that I've moved on,  
you'll always be my baby. 

I never found the words to say you're the one I think about each day 

And I know no matter where life takes me to,  
a part of me will always be with you. 
Somewhere in my memory, I've lost all sense of time.  
And tomorrow can never be cause yesterday is all that fills my mind.  

You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget. 

It's no use looking back or wondering because love is a strange and funny thing 
No matter how I try and try I just can't say good-bye.

I never had a dream come true till the day I found you.  
Even though I pretend that I've moved on you'll always be my baby.

A part of me will always be with you.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

i miss you.

I miss you

I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you

I miss you 

I'm thinking back on the past

It's true that time is flying by too fast

I miss you

I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you

I miss you 

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face, oh
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I Miss You.

Monday, March 7, 2011


Here's some hair and makeup I did for a photoshoot last weekend. I'm tellin' ya, that snake was terrifying. I hate snakes. At one point the snake slithered(?) through the models hair before I did it, and got caught in her bun. There was no way I was touching that thing to get it out, no matter how painful it was for her. It looked hungry, and I was nearby. Sorry, Ashley!

Friday, March 4, 2011

post #2: job goal

Day 2: A Short Term Goal You Have:

My goal for this month is to get hired for my dream job. I have always wanted to work at a certain salon here in Lethbridge, and tomorrow I am going to get it !! I'm not letting anything hold me back. I firmly believe in the Law Of Attraction (which states that positive and negative thinking bring about positive and negative physical results, respectively), and so I will be be bold and tell you all right now that I will get this job! I am not going to share which one it is, I don't want to jinx it ;) But here's to hoping that it will all work out!! 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

post #1: from my arms to yours.

I was home sick today and didn't really feel like posting something that took alot of thought and was emotional for me, since I'm already so stuffed up :( I know I don't have to post everyday but honestly I have became so addicted to it and want to! I have been working hard on some really great posts that will be up soon, but for now this is all I've came up with. I have put together a compilation of blog challenge posts. I picked the ones I liked, and have about 70 of them. I know I won't want to post about them in order everyday for that long, so I will just do them whenever I have a day where I am "post-less". 

DAY 1: The Meaning Behind Your Blog Name and Why You Chose It

 From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours- Michael McLean

"With so many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking, 'cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.

And maybe, you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before.
By someone who delivered your son, From God's arms to my arm's to yours.

Now if you choose to tell him and if he wants to know.
How the one who gave him life could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floors.
And knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.

Now I know you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me?
The first time that he ties his shoes or falls and skins his knee, 
And could you hold him twice as long when he makes his mistakes.
Tell him that he's not alone, sometimes that's all it takes -
I know how much he'll ache.
This may not be the answer for another girl like me.
And I'm not on a soapbox saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above.
And I'm trusting you can give our baby both his mother's love.
And maybe, you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before.
By someone who delivered your son, From God's arms to my arm's to yours."

The song says it all. What title for my blog could possibly be more perfect than the one I chose? 
This song got me through it all.. and still pulls me through the tough days. I still cry everytime I hear it. An elderly couple my family knows through church gave the book to me while I was in the hospital, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours", and I strongly suggest anyone affected by adoption reads it. It is full of beautiful words and songs, each so perfect to what we go through. I couldn't have said it better myself! I had actually boughten myself a copy earlier in my pregnancy, so I gave that one to Curtis for him to be comforted by and I kept the one this couple had had written in for me. I was so touched that they were that thoughtful and supportive, despite their age. To this day, I still pull the book out and read through the lyrics. 
Why did I choose this title? I chose to write a blog about placing my son for adoption, so I chose a title that was about adoption. I left out "from God's Arms" because it made for a long title, but in no means does that mean He is any less important. I completely acknowledge God's hand in my life, and in my journey. I could not have gotten through any of this without my faith in Him. 
This song is perfect, just like my love for little Cash. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

a year since we met.

One year ago today, I met the people my son now calls his parents. One year ago today, I met the two people who would change my life. I will never forget that day, and the feelings I had. You can read about that day here.  I really don't have much else to say.. Other than how much I love D&Y and all they do for Cash. I couldn't have pictured a more perfect life for him than what he's got now. And that's what gives me the comfort I search every day for.

This picture of Curtis and I was taken the day we met D&Y. 
For their own privacy, I removed them from it. 
Just reminding myself how different I looked a year ago, haha.