Saturday, April 30, 2011

visit #2


(just thought I'd throw that in there so people outside of the adoption world would know)

Friday afternoon I got to see my sweet little Cash. We met at LDSFS and had a great visit. Just Y, S, Cash and myself. She wanted to spend some time together, just us moms, for Mother's Day. 

He wouldn't stay away from the water cooler ! Here he is giving me a face before reaching up and pulling the lever. He knew he wasn't supposed to! Such a mischievous little boy.
He loved being spun around with S in the chair, and every time he'd come around he'd give me a little face. This was one of  many different looks ! 

Crawling after his big sister! 
Big Yawns !!

 It was getting close to nap-time, so we had to say our goodbyes.
When Y was putting him in the carseat, Cash just stared at me and smiled. She shut the car door and the last thing I saw was his little face looking back at me. I pictured him thinking "Don't be sad, look how happy I am!" And look how happy that makes me.

I am TRULY grateful for Cash's adoptive parents. The fact that it was her that reached out to me for this visit means the world. They are amazing people, and I am so lucky to have a relationship with them. Y and I talked about many things that "friends" would talk about. I feel so comfortable around her, and she gives good advice. I know she would do anything for me.

We shared words that are very near to my heart, and I don't wish to write them on here because they are so special to me. This woman is such a light in my life, and I look up to her so much. I strive to live my life daily to become more like her, but I know I could never come close. Her love for her children is overwhelming. I found myself just looking at the three of them and being so happy. 

I feel at such peace. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type, but they are tears of joy. 
I have searched for answers for so long, and I have finally received them. 
I know why I went through what I did this past year and a half.
True, it hurt. A lot. It still hurts. It probably always will. 
But you know what ? 
It's. SO. Worth. It.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

huge sigh of relief.

SO HAPPY TODAY. Indescribably happy.
G texted this morning asking me to call her when I had time. I immediately did, hoping that she had the pictures from D&Y for me.. She didn't..
She had even better news ! They have been waiting to send my update package until now because they are headed to my city this weekend to spend Easter with their families... And that's not all!  
I am meeting with Y and Cash next Friday. She wants to spend some "mother" time together with Cash for mothers day. 
I cannot tell you how much relief hearing this gave me. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I couldn't help but cry tears of happiness. 
I am so very grateful for these amazing people in my life. Their willingness to open their lives to me and share special moments together means the world. 
I will admit I got very discouraged when the package was late. But I know they would never let me down :) Just goes to show that you don't always know the reasons behind something, good or bad. I can accept a late update because it means I get to see the real deal in person :) One week! 
I can't wait to hold that little guy in my arms and tell him how much I love him. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

10 months.


You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
You were placed in my arms,
And I couldn’t help but cry.
You were so precious so beautiful.
I stared at you with pride.
Your hands so tiny,
Your eyes so bright.
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
And I knew it would be hard
To say goodbye.
I cried for you at night.
How could I let my
Little butterfly go?
Then I thought of the new world
You will see.
Of the loving parents that will
Take care of thee.
And I felt peace.
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
And no matter how hard it is,
I must say goodbye.
So, open your wings
And don’t be afraid to fly.
Fly away to a new life.
Where opportunities are
At every door.
And my love around every corner.
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
But, quickly you left
To live your new life.
You’ll always be in my heart.
Your memory in my every thought.
Those tiny hands,
And bright eyes.
I will forever love you,

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Birth Mothers Appreciation

Ok guys, I am super super excited about this post. My friend Ashley from my BM class at LDSFS came up with an amazing idea, that she was inspired of through Birth Mother Baskets. (To get the whole story behind her idea, read her blog here.) 

I can promise you all that without the support I received from G at LDSFS, and the girls in my class (Megan and Ashley), I would not have gotten through my difficulties the way I did. The woman who worked more independently with me, CP, made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that people outside my family loved me too. When I gave birth to Cash, the amount of love I received was overwhelming. An older couple gave me the book., "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours", which was what inspired the name of my blog. Another woman who recently lost her own child due prematurely, was thoughtful enough to send me a gift, even though she was suffering too. The list of support I received could go on and on. 

All of these acts of kindness really helped my grieving process. I realized that I did not have to hurt on my own, and that there were people watching over me and would do anything to help.

I want each and every young mother who is facing an unplanned pregnancy to feel the amount of love I felt from the people around me. 

You can imagine how happy I was that Ashley approached me with an opportunity to do just that! Finally I can feel like I am making a difference in the world, and have something good come out of the trials I have been through.

The project is called Birth Mothers Appreciation. Since every girl in these classes at LDSFS will be giving birth, we consider them all Birth Mothers, regardless of the decision they make after their baby is born.

What we will be doing is putting together things that will help with the adjustment process after birth. We are gathering personal testimonials from girls who have placed for adoption, chosen single parenting, or if they are raising the baby with the father. We will collect quotes, songs, books, journals, products for pampering, gift certificates, and for the mothers that are keeping we will give them gift certificates for places like Wal- Mart and Superstore and baby clothing stores to help with the cost of raising and feeding a child. Every basket will be filled with love and with things from people who have experienced these things before. We might even go in and talk to the girls and share our individual stories with them. Anything and Everything that will make these girl's lives a little easier to get through.

If you wish to share your story, have something to donate to our cause, or have quotes/songs that will be appropriate, please contact our group at :

Thursday, April 14, 2011

oh, they just forgot.

I texted my social worker yet again today, wondering if any pictures arrived. They hadn't, but she assured me she was trying to get to the bottom of things. (D&Y are not her "clients", so she had to go through a different office and contact their worker and sort things out) She said they had left several messages for them and hadn't heard back yet. Well she called me a minute later and said she just talked to their case worker and he said they hadn't looked at the agreement papers for awhile and had just forgotten to send me my update. I hope that was all that was behind it...
Gloria assured me that I would have something in a week, and that she reminded D&Y how important these updates are to birthmothers. We automatically assume things are wrong if something like this happens, just because we are so focused on the exact date we are supposed to receive pictures. When the 18th of March rolled around, I was SO excited, because I was expecting them any day.. now here we are nearly a month later and all that excitement slowly turned into anxiety and hopelessness. I thought they were withdrawing contact, when it was really something much simpler.
To a birthmom, waiting for an update of her child is honestly like a 6 year old waiting for Santa to bring her all her presents. You count down the days until your package arrives, and cannot wait to open it up and take a look inside.
Hopefully I only have another week until I can open my present :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

if I were to do it over..

Stefanie sent this question to me last week from the Birth Mom Missions page on Facebook. At first, it was almost a no-brainer. Then I sat there thinking for quite some time before I could actually pick my answer. 

If someone were to come to me now and ask me now If I'd do the same thing over again? As a birth mother with different experiences.. what would you say? 

-I'd keep my baby
-I'd do it all exactly the same 
-I'd do it the same, just have demanded my rights more

I miss Cash. No doubt about that. I have found myself getting .. jealous? over some of the young moms I know. It seems like everything worked out for them. I know it hasn't been easy, but that could've been me. That's what I think every single time I see a girl I know with her baby, all of whom were born in the same year as Cash. It could've been me. And sometimes, I think it should've been me. My main reason for deciding to place Cash in the beginning was because I didn't want him to be without a father. And here I am, a year and a half later, and still with his  birthfather. It's hard for us to be together without Cash, really hard. Both of us deal with different kinds of guilt over it still. Yes we are young, but we would be more prepared than some of our peers who are having children are. At the time though, there was no way we were ready for a baby. We still aren't ready, not for a long time. But I look back on it all, and I know we could've made it work. I don't have regrets, but I definitely think "what if."   

Would  I "demand" my rights more if I did it again? No,
I'd do it all exactly the same. 

I love and respect Cash's adoptive parents more than anything in this world. I do not wish to make them uncomfortable or offend them in any way, because they are the only thing connecting me to Cash, and that line can be very fragile. I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship that we have. There are a few things I would have done "differently" prior to placement, but never in a "demanding" way. 

The emotional and mental pain I have experienced is completely worth it when I stop my crying to remember why I did it. I did it for a darling little boy, who now has a life filled with opportunity ahead of him. I did it for two amazing people, who's dream in life was to have a son. I did it because I loved my baby and wanted the best for him. 

I miss him everyday. There are constantly moments throughout my day where I think about what life would've been like with him. My imagination paints up a pretty good picture, but I know that one day I will have that experience, when I am ready and able to give a child all that Cash has. 

This face right here is the reason.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

i took the pledge, now it's your turn!

A friend of mine took this pledge and I decided I should too. Now it's your turn !! 


  • create, inspire, and admire rather than compete with fellow bloggers
  • be understanding of each other-- in the blogging community, as well as in the world
  • stay away from internet/blogging bullying
  • speak my opinion freely, while still being mindful of other's feelings-- be tactful.
  • make an effort--no matter how big or small the gesture, to spread kindness or joy to others
  • acknowledge that I will make mistakes, (I am only human) but remember to learn from them
  • know that at times I will post about the negative stuff in life, and maybe even some complaining (I am only human) but I will always follow up with something happy/positive too.
  • believe that this world is a good place, filled with good people.

SO, as part of my first act for this pledge, I feel the need to clear up a few things:

1. From my previous post about my job... The girl I was speaking of is actually a really nice girl. And I was not trying to make her out to be the "bad guy" in the situation. It was uncomfortable for me, but I know she didn't intentionally try to make me feel that way. So please don't think badly of her :) 

2. I understand fully that adoption is not for everyone. I don't mean to put down those who choose otherwise. That being said, this IS a blog about adoption. I support it 110% and will express that as freely as I like. I try to be mindful of other people's opinions and feelings, and I hope I am achieving that. If I am offending anyone, please let me know and I will try to change that.

3. Many of you know how frustrated/disappointed/confused I have been lately with the lack of contact. This does not in any way mean I am disappointed in Cash's adoptive parents. I'll admit that I have been selfish and am sad only for myself, and do not know the reasoning behind the recent events. I hold the utmost level of respect and love for D&Y and always will, no matter what happens with our openness agreement. 

4. I am still going through stages of grief. I am not sure that it will ever go away. I have good days, but I also have bad days. Unfortunately, I usually post more about the bad days. The negative things in my life. Thanks to this pledge, I am trying to change that. There are so many positive things in my life that I should be writing about, so I'll try to do that more often. Of course, there will still be the few negative ones, that's all part of life. 

5. I also decided to yet again change my background. I thought I needed something a little more uplifting.

I challenge you all to take the Pledge !!! Be a Kind Hearted Blogger ! :) 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

sisters through trials

My dear friend Ashley wrote a blog today that truly explains the main support system I had in my life exactly one year ago. (She also said some pretty nice things about me, for which I am truly grateful for) This woman is an amazing writer, and I think you all should take a look at her blog :) I have posted her story previously on my blog, and I'm sure you all know by now how wonderful she is. Ashley- Dalys Crapo: "Sisters"...from heartache to happiness

Friday, April 8, 2011


Guess what creepers.. I GOT A JOB! I decided it was finally time to leave school and start working in the field I love. So, starting next Friday I am working out in Raymond as a hair stylist, nail tech, and body sugarist. YAY! I am so so so excited. It seems like such a great place to work. So, if you're from Southern Alberta, come in and see me !!! 
OH and here's a good story for you all.. 
I was out in the salon, right after I was hired, and this girl goes "How's your baby?" Uhmmm... GREAT. Thanks. Right in front of my new boss, coworkers and clients in the salon. Not that I am ashamed of Cash, not at all. But really?! I met these people 10 minutes ago! So my Boss J, goes "You have a child?" I say "Umm. Sort of." Sort of? I sort of gave birth to a baby, but I'm not his mom ? That kind of sort of. Then I have to explain a really really short version of the story, while I'm standing there wanting to run away and hit something. J says "Oh." Yeaaaa... Oh as in Hmm I just hired this girl I knew nothing about and all of a sudden I know the biggest story about her. That kind of Oh. Great first impression.
Well, I guess the ice is broken and I won't have to wonder if I should let them all know. Because they already do! Yup. Awesome.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

is it closing?

I'm beginning to get a tiny glimpse as to what birthparents with closed adoptions must feel towards their babies. I've found myself wondering about things that Cash should be doing at his age.
Does he crawl yet? He was pretty close at Christmas. Does he have any teeth? What's his personality like? What kind of foods is he eating? Is he sleeping through the night? Is it time for his first haircut? (which I would absolutely love love love to do)

I should know these things by now. And yet here I am, still imagining to myself what milestones in his life I don't know about yet. He will be 10 months in 12 days and I haven't heard a word since I saw them in December. I know I legally have no right to know anything about him anymore, but I'm still feeling somewhat let down.
I've always kept my head up through challenges, and this time won't be any different. I'm looking to the bright side, hoping that maybe they just forgot to send my package, or maybe they have been away on holidays. Hopefully I find out the reasoning soon. Still smiling, yet anxiously waiting.

December 2010- The first, & last visit with Cash

Sunday, April 3, 2011

here without you.

A hundred days have made me older 
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face 

A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same 

But all the miles had separate 
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face 

I’m here without you baby 
but you're still on my lonely mind 
I think about you baby 
and I dream about you all the time 
I’m here without you baby 
but you're still with me in my dreams 
And tonight it’s only you and me 

The miles just keep rollin 
as the people either way to say hello 
I've heard this life is overrated 
but I hope that it gets better as we go 

I’m here without you baby 
but you're still on my lonely mind 
I think about you baby 
and I dream about you all the time 
I’m here without you baby 
but you're still with me in my dreams 
And tonight it’s only you and me 

Everything I know, 
and anywhere I go 
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love 
And when the last one falls, 
when it’s all said and done 
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love.