Thursday, July 7, 2011

i'm back.

Well, I'm back in the blogging world. For how long, I don't know. I haven't decided what my mind and heart will allow me to do. But I do know that this post needs to be shared, because it has been weighing on my mind and I need to let it out...
My sister had her baby yesterday. A beautiful, 8 pound 12  ounce, 21 and a half inches long baby boy. Everyone is so happy for them! My dad is over the moon- and I don't blame him!
But Ah. That's where the hurt started. 
I thought I was okay. And I WAS ! 
My arms wanted to hold him so badly. I told my mom I got first dibs on the new baby. And I did- but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. It only made me miss holding my own baby. Being in the same hospital, seeing those white blankets. Reminiscing and comparing my own labor experience to my sisters. Remembering what it felt like to sit in that bed and hold something so perfect.
I envy her. She gets to take him home. She has a husband and family who supports her. She gets phone calls from family saying how excited and happy they are for her.  She gets to cuddle with her baby whenever she wants, and make sure he knows how much she loves him. 
I walked out of that same hospital alone just over a year ago, carrying nothing but material memories of him, and the heaviness of my heart. No one was excited or happy for me, only hurt. I don't get to cuddle him whenever I want, or make sure he knows I love him. I have no control over that.
I made the decision to let all of that go, and I am owning that decision. I don't regret it.
That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

I LOVE my new little nephew. I will never hold a grudge against him or anything like that. Its just hard for me to be in a hospital room and see a new baby. I know I'll get over it eventually. One day I'll have the opportunity to take my own precious one home. And what a great day that will be. 

Saying Hello to Cash, June 18th 2010

Saying Hello to Cooper, July 6th 2011

PS. I got to see Cash quick on Canada Day. I was in the parade in the town where I work and they were watching because Y is from there. I knew they would be there, but I didn't think I would see them. Y called my name out and I went over to say hi. She told me how beautiful I looked. Cash looked big and definitely not like a baby anymore. I chatted for all of 10 seconds and had to go because my float was way down the road. I wish I had asked to see them after but I didn't. I don't like stepping on any toes. It was just nice to say hello. I love that family so much.