Thursday, October 28, 2010

weighing the options

  Obviously I am going to think adoption is the best thing in the world because mine has been so positive, but I also realize it is not for everyone and is a hugely personal decision that cannot be made overnight like mine was. I try to see both sides- single parenting, and adoption- but I just cannot help but think there is a very uneven balance between the two.
Abortion was not at all an option for me.
I do not judge those who choose to single parent - However in the end, I firmly side with adoption as being the best for both the child, and the parents. When I was pregnant, my social worker had me fill out a chart of pros and cons for each. Although it may have been somewhat biased since I had already made my decision, and because Curt and I weren't together, here is what I came up with almost one year ago :

SINGLE PARENTING PROS: I have my baby. My baby will know I love him. I will feel loved by him everyday. I won't be sad. My family won't be sad. I love my baby and won't ever have to say goodbye.
SINGLE PARENTING CONS: My baby won't have a father. My baby will always wonder what could have been. My baby will feel betrayed by his father. I will have difficulty dating. I will feel alone. I will struggle for money. I wont be able to go to post-secondary. I won't be able to afford the things a child needs. (Do you KNOW how much a kid costs from birth till 18?! Its scary!!!) He will be shipped back and forth between families. It wont be a stable life for my baby. I am not ready to be a single mom. Curt is not ready to be a dad. 
MARRIAGE PROS: Baby has a mom and a dad. We can support each other. I can stay home with baby. Baby will be happy his parents are together. Eventually we can be sealed in the temple. People wont judge me for having a baby and not being married. We can be a family. 
MARRIAGE CONS: What if we arent happy? We will fight all the time. Not a happy environment for baby. He isn't the one I want to marry. (At the time) Baby might feel he was the only reason we were married. We will struggle for money. See above. We are not ready to be parents. I don't want to get married at 17. I haven't finished growing up, let alone raising a child and a man (haha)
ADOPTION PROS: Baby has both a mother and father. Baby is never fought over between parents. Baby will be sealed to family forever. He will have everything he could ever wish for. He will know I loved him enough to let him go. He will be happy. He will never feel unwanted. He will never want for anything. I can go to school and make something of my life. 
ADOPTION CONS: I will be sad, hurt, and will miss my baby so much. He might wonder if we loved him. 

Obviously Marriage was the ideal Pro choice here. But given mine and Curts situation at the time, it was definitely not an option. Based ONLY on this chart, Single-parenting looks like a selfish choice. And that isnt the life for a child. Which then leads me to adoption. Again, based only on the chart I made, I realized a year ago that the pro's for adoption were based solely on my child, and the cons on myself. At first I thought Adoption was a very selfish act, and I know there are those who thought that of me too. But if you look at this list, you see that it is quite the opposite. No one is ready to be a parent, regardless of the age, and especially not a teenager. If you can make marriage or single-parenting work for you, then congrats. But it is difficult! I have seen so many of my friends struggle, and it is just not a good life for a child. Dont take this is the wrong way and say I am judging those who do- I am simply stating that it is a huge decision that all aspects should be thought of before it is made. And for all those saying adoption is the easy way out- I say think again. Placing my son for adoption was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it makes me cry just thinking about it. That being said, it was also the most amazing thing I have ever done and dont regret it for a second. 

I hope every unwed mother has taken into consideration all of the above points, and really thought about it. Do whatever you think is acquirable and beneficical to all involved, and sincerely pray about your decision before it is made. It will forever change your life, and is so much more than just a problem you can solve overnight. I have seen so many young mothers think they can handle a baby and raise one properly, but more often than not, it doesn't work out. I know many girls who had babies around the time I had Cash, and here they are, out partying all the time. It makes me so sad to see.. I don't know how they do it- I don't even have Cash, but I still feel like a mother. I grew up so much, and I don't see how these teen moms still carry on like they did before their babies. It is so sad, because it is the child who suffers. Babies aren't an "accessory"- they're a life you have to take care of. And there quite a few who are still with the child's father- good for them, I say. But they fight all the time over absolutely everything, and it isn't a happy environment for anyone, let alone a baby. Things started off like a fairy-tale in the beginning- an adorable new baby, and life seems great. And then reality hits, and these girls are thrown into the real world. Its an eye opener thats for sure! I hate to be negative, but it is a topic I am extremely passionate for because I have seen first hand everything I am talking about. These friends of mine tell me how much they respect me for the choice I made, and that they wish they had made "adoption an option" at that time. Of course they love their kids- but they realize now that its not as easy as you think its going to be. It would have been so easy to take Cash home and start a family with Curt. We were in love, and we loved our baby! But we were thinking straight and knew we just couldn't make it work. But trust me- it's the hardest thing in the world to go home from a hospital without a baby in the back seat after you've given birth... but at the end of each day, you realize it was the best thing for the baby.
I apologize that this post is kindof confusing and all over the place haha but it is late and I needed to get the above thoughts out of my head. I hope no one takes offence to anything I said- but clearly this is a blog about adoption, so that is what I am going to push. It was by far the best decision for me- no doubt about it. However,  I know adoption is not for everyone. But I wish more would seriously think about it before ruleing it out. Thats all I'm saying. I will edit this tomorrow so it makes more sense. Goodnight!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

death, adoption, love & change.

"Death does not end relationships, it just changes them."
It was my great-grandmothers funeral service today. The priest said the above quote and it really hit me. How true this statement is! It is hard to deal with the death of a loved one no matter what, but this quote put things into a new perspective. When someone leaves this world, the relationship we shared with them doesn't leave with them. Memories will forever be remembered, and the love we shared will never be forgotten. My grandma will always be my grandma. Just because she's not here with me to talk to doesn't mean she's not watching over us. I sat there in the church thinking about this some more and an idea came into my head. Switch a word and the quote reads "Adoption does not end relationships, it just changes them." Cash will always be my son. I will always be his birthmother. Just because we aren't directly in each other's lives doesn't change that fact. 
 In death, and in adoption, relationships are drastically changed. But they do not just END. The love we feel for someone like a grandmother or child will continue no matter the circumstances. I learnt this first from my own parents, and I will keep learning as I go. 

Friday, October 22, 2010

the secret

so i know theres probably like no one who reads this blog.. i havent told many people about it. its more just for me to get my feelings out and typing it is alot faster than writing haha. 
well i am currently in a hair school here in Lethbridge. (its called Purely Inspired and is AMAZING) anyways, the educators there are so good to us- not only do we learn about hair, but they teach us important life lessons that really make me stop and think. Today Kelli, who is the manager, was talking to us about attitude. She is a huge believer in "The Secret" and always talks about how if you believe something will happen, it will. I completely agree with her. All throughout my pregnancy I believed that everything was going to work out and be OK. I wasnt scared of labour, and I kept telling myself that I would make it through just fine. And i did! I seriously believe that it was my attitude that made everything. There are some people close to me who are extremely pessimistic and always have something negative to say. It definitely rubs off on people! Here are 100 quotes from the secret that I have sure learnt from and hope others can too : 

1. We all work with one infinite power
2. The Secret is the Law of Attraction (LOA)
3. Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting
4. We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think
5. Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy
6. People think about what they don't want and attract more of the same
7. Thought = creation. If these thoughts are attached to powerful emotions (good or bad) that speeds the creation
8. You attract your dominant thoughts
9. Those who speak most of illness have illness, those who speak most of prosperity have it..etc..
10. It's not "wishful" thinking.
11. You can't have a universe without the mind entering into it
12. Choose your thoughts carefully .. you are a masterpiece of your life
13. It's OK that thoughts don't manifest into reality immediately (if we saw a picture of an elephant and it instantly appeared, that would be too soon)
14. EVERYTHING in your life you have attracted .. accept that fact .. it's true.
15. Your thoughts cause your feelings
16. We don't need to complicate all the "reasons" behind our emotions. It's much simpler than that. Two categories .. good feelings, bad feelings.
17. Thoughts that bring about good feelings mean you are on the right track. Thoughts that bring about bad feelings means you are not on the right track.
18. Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming
19. You get exactly what you are FEELING
20. Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances
21. You can begin feeling whatever you want (even if it's not there).. the universe will correspond to the nature of your song
22. What you focus on with your thought and feeling is what you attract into your experience
23. What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is ALWAYS a match - no exception
24. Shift your awareness
25. "You create your own universe as you go along" Winston Churchill
26. It's important to feel good
27. You can change your emotion immediately .. by thinking of something joyful, or singing a song, or remembering a happy experience
28. When you get the hang of this, before you know it you will KNOW you are the creator
29. Life can and should be phenomenal .. and it will be when you consciously apply the Law of Attraction
30. Universe will re-arrange itself accordingly
31. Start by using this sentence for all of your wants: "I'm so happy and grateful now that.... " (each day in class we say something we are grateful for- it totally helps! i think everyone should do this at least once a day)
32. You don't need to know HOW the universe is going to rearrange itself
33. LOA is simply figuring out for yourself what will generate the positive feelings of having it NOW
34. You might get an inspired thought or idea to help you move towards what you want faster
35. The universe likes SPEED. Don't delay, don't second-guess, don't doubt..
36. When the opportunity or impulse is there .. ACT
37. You will attract everything you require - money, people, connections.. PAY ATTENTION to what's being set in front of you
38. You can start with nothing .. and out of nothing or no way - a WAY will be provided.
39. HOW LONG??? No rules on time .. the more aligned you are with positive feelings the quicker things happen
40. Size is nothing to the universe (unlimited abundance if that's what you wish) We make the rules on size and time
41. No rules according to the universe .. you provide the feelings of having it now and the universe will respond
42. Most people offer the majority of their thought in response to what they are observing (bills in the mail, being late, having bad luck...etc..)
43. You have to find a different approach to what is through a different vantage point
44. "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" - Buddha
45. What can you do right now to turn your life around?? Gratitude
46. Gratitude will bring more into our lives immediately
47. What we think about and THANK about is what we bring about
48. What are the things you are grateful for?? Feel the gratitude.. focus on what you have right now that you are grateful for
49. Play the picture in your mind - focus on the end result
50. VISUALIZE!!! Rehearse your future
51. VISUALIZE!!! See it, feel it! This is where action begins
52. Feel the joy .. feel the happiness :o)
53. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative one
54. "What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists." Alexander Graham Bell
55. Our job is not to worry about the "How". The "How" will show up out of the commitment and belief in the "what"
56. The Hows are the domain of the universe. It always knows the quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream
57. If you turn it over to the universe, you will be surprised and dazzled by what is delivered .. this is where magic and miracles happen
58. Turn it over to the universe daily.. but it should never be a chore.
59. Feel exhilarated by the whole process .. high, happy, in tune
60. The only difference between people who are really living this way is they have habituated ways of being.
61. They remember to do it all the time
62. Create a Vision Board .. pictures of what you want to attract .. every day look at it and get into the feeling state of already having acquired these wants (I did this and it worked! Its a great feeling to cross of the things I wanted)
63. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein
64. Decide what you want .. believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it's possible for you
65. Close your eyes and visualize having what you already want - and the feeling of having it already.
66. Focus on being grateful for what you have already .. enjoy it!! Then release into the universe. The universe will manifest it.
67. "Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve" W. Clement Stone
68. Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind.
69. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it and act on it.
70. How can you become more prosperous?? INTEND IT!!
71. 'Checks are coming in the mail regularly'... or change your bank statement to whatever balance you want in there... and get behind the feeling of having it.
72. Life is meant to be abundant in ALL areas...
73. Go for the sense of inner joy and peace then all outside things appear
74. We are the creators of our universe
75. Relationships: Treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others .. love yourself and you will be loved
76. Healthy respect for yourself
77. For those you work with or interact with regularly .. get a notebook and write down positive aspects of each of those people.
78. Write down the things you like most about them (don't expect change from them). Law of attraction will not put you in the same space together if your frequencies don't match
79. When you realize your potential to feel good, you will ask no one to be different in order for you to feel good.
80. You will free yourself from the cumbersome impossibilities of needing to control the world, your friends, your mate, your children....
81. You are the only one that creates your reality
82. No one else can think or feel for you .. its YOU .. ONLY YOU.
83. Health: thank the universe for your own healing. Laugh, stress free happiness will keep you healthy.
84. Immune system will heal itself
85. Parts of our bodies are replaced every day, every week..etc... Within a few years we have a brand new body
86. See yourself living in a new body. Hopeful = recovery. Happy = happier biochemistry. Stress degrades the bod.
87. Remove stress from the body and the body regenerates itself. You can heal yourself
88. Learn to become still .. and take your attention away from what you don't want, and place your attention on what you wish to experience
89. When the voice and vision on the inside become more profound and clear than the opinions on the outside, then you have mastered your life
90. You are not here to try to get the world to be just as you want it. You are here to create the world around you that you choose.
91. And allow the world as others choose to see it, exist as well
92. People think that if everyone knows the power of the LOA there won't be enough to go around .. This is a lie that's been ingrained in us and makes so many greedy.
93. The truth is there is more than enough love, creative ideas, power, joy, happiness to go around.
94. All of this abundance begins to shine through a mind that is aware of it's own infinite nature. There's enough for everyone. See it. Believe it. it will show up for you.
95. So let the variety of your reality thrill you as you choose all the things you want.. get behind the good feelings of all your wants.
96. Write your script. When you see things you don't want, don't think about them, write about them, talk about them, push against them, or join groups that focus on the don't wants... remove your attention from don't wants.. and place them on do wants
97. We are mass energy. Everything is energy. EVERYTHING.
98. Don't define yourself by your body .. it's the infinite being that's connected to everything in the universe.
99. One energy field. Our bodies have distracted us from our energy. We are the infinite field of unfolding possibilities. The creative force.
100. Are your thoughts worthy of you? If not - NOW is the time to change them. You can begin right were you are right now. Nothing matters but this moment and what you are focusing your attention on.

Think about the things you are attracting.. and change those negative feelings. No matter what your situation is, you can always get out of it. Or at least make things better. Believe in yourself, and others will believe in you too. Keep your head up and find the best in everything. I promise you, it will all be okay! 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mary Anne Bremner, 1914-2010

So I know I said I was going to post about choosing my son's family, but I had an sudden change of plans today so that post is going to wait. My great-grandmother died this afternoon. She lived a long, healthy 96 years. She lay down after her lunch and went to sleep while my great-uncle held her hand. Painless and peaceful. Although her death didn't come as a shock to me because of her age, it actually hit me in a really big way and I spent a lot of time thinking about her, life, and death tonight.
I asked myself, what do we leave behind when we die? 
I hope that I will be remembered for the good things I did in life, not the bad. I want to feel at peace with my life and go quietly in my sleep like my grandmother did today. I hope that I will leave the world a better place because of the things I did in it. I don't want my family to be sad-  I will have lived a full and prosperous life and am moving on to bigger and better things. That's not something to be sad over! My grandmother was not a member of the church, so I don't actually know what she believed in. I don't know if she even believed in God. I wonder what was going through her mind the minutes before she passed. Was she scared? I really hope not. I'm not scared of death, because I believe in the teachings
 of my church. I know we will be with our families again after we die, and that gives me great comfort. 
I am not necessarily sad over the death of my great grandma- yes it is sad to think she is no longer with us, but I know she is happy and in a better place now. She is with her husband, her children (my grandma & great-aunt) and everyone else she loved who had passed before her. They were probably waiting for her to say "welcome home" and together they would smile about the life she lived on Earth.
I believe death should be a celebration of life- it should be filled with joy for our loved one and not of sadness. Yes, there is a time and place for grieving, but I don't think they would want us to be sad and upset about their passing. 
I hope one day Cash feels the same way for me. I am definitely still grieving over the experience, yet find beauty and joy in it as well. (like a death). I picture him one day coming to me, wrapping his arms around me and saying "mom, dont be sad anymore. you gave me a great life and I am happy."
I know this post wasn't about meant to be about adoption, but this ties into death. I have lost a grandfather, and two grandmothers now. In a way, I have also lost a child. For those of you reading this who haven't placed a baby for adoption, but have felt what the death of a loved one feels like, thats the closest way to explaining the feelings. And even words cant describe either of those hurts. But I know that I will be with Cash again, not in this life but certainly in the next. He will always be a part of my family, and just like my grandmother, death isn't the end for us. Its a big concept to wrap your head around, but it gives me hope for the future.

I am dedicating this post with love in memory of my great-grandma and praying that she is in a better place and feels at peace with the life she lived. 

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Going through life as a pregnant teenager was difficult to say the least. Fortunately, I look older than I am so people who didn’t know me didn’t judge. But walking the halls of LCI high school was an interesting experience. I think it was harder for me when people didn’t know. The first day back to school that Monday after I found out was rough. I felt very detached from the world around me, probably because I had so much going through my head. I felt “dirty” for lack of a better word- I was ashamed of what I had done. Curtis didn’t even know yet.. I didn’t want to tell him- at that time, we were at different places in our lives and weren’t exactly on speaking terms. I knew he wasn’t going to react the way I wanted him to. He was your typical 17 year old (and a hockey player at that haha) and he just wasn’t ready or willing to accept the responsibility that I had to. It was extremely difficult to see him in the halls, especially since I had such negative feelings towards him at that point. I felt really alone, and I wish I could’ve turned to him then like I can now. Right now you’re probably thinking wow, that guy needs to shape up! Trust me, he definitely has. It just took him a little while longer to realize what was happening than it did for me. While he was probably really scared too, it was way more in my face than his those first few weeks at school. Luckily I only had two classes, so I would numbly go through the morning and then run home to my mom to cry. I made the mistake of telling people I thought I could trust too soon. I needed to talk to someone other than my parents, and since I couldn’t talk to Curt I looked elsewhere. A secret like mine wont be kept a secret for long and very quickly, word spread and everyone was now giving me attention. No one said anything for a long time- but it was obvious that they knew. People I never talked to started texting me randomly “just to see how I was doing”. I felt like I had more friends just because people wanted to be in on the school gossip. Everyone was nice to me.. Not that they weren’t before, I had lots of friends. But it seemed as though the kids around me were just doing it for their own selfish reasons, not genuinely concerned about me. I knew they would get information from me and then go spread it with the rest of the audience.I kept to myself a lot- but obviously I welcomed the fact that everyone was nice to me. It was way better than getting picked on or anything. And for the most part, everyone treated me with respect and were very kind to me. I never felt like anyone was judging me or being unkind. Once I started showing, that’s when things started to change a little bit, although my friends were still really great around me. At first, I just looked fat. And that was difficult enough for me to accept, because I was normally a tall, slim size 2 haha. Previously, I was a well-known girl in my school, so most people knew me anyways. One time, probably in my 5th month or so, I was standing at my locker and two grade 9s walked by. The one (who I actually knew from awhile ago) said “did you see how fat that girl was?” RIGHT as she walked behind me. They snickered and I turned around and smiled at her. She quickly shut her mouth when she realized who I was. When I walked through the halls, I got stares. But I stared right back, and they would turn away. I didn’t care what anyone thought, there was nothing I could do about it or my situation. I held my head high each and every day I went to that school. The teachers were amazing, I never heard one comment from them and that was really nice. It was almost as though they were pretending I wasn’t pregnant, and in a way I guess I was too. I lived in denial for a very long time, that’s for sure haha. But I embraced it and tried my best not to let it get me down. Of course, I would still go home and cry but I never let on in front of my friends. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together. But on the inside, I was definitely hurting. I went through high school the same as any student would have and graduated with my class, two weeks before I gave birth. It was a really hard thing to accept not being able to have the “perfect dress” I had always dreamed of, but I was still graduating in spite of my situation and that’s what was important to me. I never once considered giving up on my education like previous girls had. 

 At a grad party 
carrying on with my weekend activities!
spending time with friends, meeting new friends

No, it wasn’t the senior year I thought I was going to have but it was memorable that’s for sure! I lived each day preparing myself for the day I would have to say goodbye to the baby I had grown to love so much. I didn’t have a boyfriend to tell me everything was going to be alright, and I didn’t feel like I fit in with my friends anymore because I was thrown into this mature situation where I had bigger things to worry about than what was going on that weekend. As I spent more and more time alone or with my family, I realized that the little things don’t matter. I wish I had placed a greater importance on my family and my inner self during my previous years in high school than I did on friends and my outward appearance. I had always struggled with self-esteem issues up until that point, but feeling like all eyes were on me all the time at school and having to keep my head up throughout everything really gave me the opportunity to become confident. I grew to know myself, and love myself during those 9 pregnant months of grade 12. Many people wondered how I was able to do it, seemingly careless of what was going on around me. And for the most part, that was true. The minute I found out I was pregnant was the minute I stopped living for myself, and started living for my unborn baby. No, I did not care what people thought about me like I used to. All that mattered to me was that I was making a life this baby would be happy to be in and preparing everything for the day I would place him in the arms of a loving family. 

 "No one ever said it would be easy- 
only that it would be worth it."

Me and Curt at my graduation, May 29th, 2010
Me and Curt before his graduation, June 5th, 2010

Monday, October 18, 2010

eventful week.

There will be many posts over the next few days as this week marks the anniversary for a lot of important events in my life. The most important events so far actually..  (and i got a new macbook so blogs are easier to post haha :) ) I gave birth to my son 4 months ago today. Its crazy to think that it was that long ago, let alone that it even happened. It all seems like it was just a dream. And then I see the pictures and feel the longing in my heart and I realize it was just 4 short months ago. Usually these days are very difficult for me, but today I am feeling very blessed. Cash changed so many lives, for the better. His father and I would not be the people we are today if it wasn't for him. He caused me to open my eyes and view the world around me in a  completely different light. I love that little boy with all of my heart, and even though he is not with me, I cannot imagine life without him. I owe all of my growth this past year to him. Having a baby at 17 was certainly not planned, nor was it a happy surprise. But this quote basically sums it all up:

"Every life has a purpose and every person is in this world for a reason. Never think of your life or anyone else's life as a mistake, for God doesnt make mistakes, but he certainly forgives ours. " 
I have never thought of Cash as a mistake. He is my gift from God, and I truly believe that. No, he did not come to Earth in the most favorable of circumstances, but he came at the time when I really needed a wake-up call and he was the answer to my prayers. 4 months ago, my life changed even more drastically than it did when I learnt I was pregnant. 4 months ago, I feel in love with a tiny baby boy who showed me what the true meaning of love was. And still, 4 months later, I feel that same love each time I think of him. I don't believe it will ever go away. People say that Cash is not my son and that I need to "move on", but they are wrong. I chose to carry that baby for 9 months and then give birth to him. He is 100% my child, and I will always be his birthmother. (I do not claim to be his "mom" however. The woman raising him and giving him both of our love is his mom.) The love I feel for Cash will be the same yesterday and 20 years from now. No amount of time can erase that from my heart.  Usually I am an emotional wreck on days like today where I am constantly thinking of him, but today I feel at peace with everything. I was able to bring a healthy child into this world to bless the lives of amazing people who have always dreamt of having a son. I was able to give that boy the gift of having two parents who could give him everything he needed and wanted, where I could not. Right now, I do not have anything to be upset over! Yes, I still feel incredible pain over it, but it is not necessarily sad. A big piece of my heart went with that little boy, but knowing he is being well taken care of eases that pain just a little bit. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, and I see that he is. 
Cash was my little angel with no halo, and today I am grateful for the gift he was in my life. 

Other events coming up: 
Wednesday, October 20th marks 4 months to the day I placed Cash with his adoptive parents. It was Father's Day, and was beautiful in spite of its sadness and heartbreak. That day each month is also extremely hard for me, but its another one I hold close to my heart. 
Saturday marks ONE YEAR since I found out I was pregnant. 


Thursday, October 14, 2010

An unconditional love.

After I found out I was pregnant, I called my sister in law and asked her to come talk to me. She could tell I was upset and luckily was on her way to Lethbridge already so she stopped by. Her sister also had a baby when she was 17 so she understood more, and I trust her with anything. (shes an amazing sister, I love her so much!) anyways, she came to talk to me and I told her that I was pregnant. At first I don't think she believed me.. Or she didn't want to. Then her eyes filled up with tears as she realized this was real and she told me that everything would be okay. She told me they loved me no matter what, and that we would get through it together as a family. (I am so grateful for Tiffany and everything she did/does for me. It was so important for me to have someone there for me when I needed it and I'm so lucky to have her I my life. ) she told me I needed to tell my parents as soon as possible. Thats what I was dreading.. We had some japanese exchange students staying with us for the week. I decided to wait until they left to tell my parents because my mom stresses about everything as it is haha. So the next day we took a trip to Waterton Lakes National Resort and our cabin. I acted like nothing was wrong, but obviously I had alot on my mind! The day they left, I wrote a note to my parents explaining that I had something to tell them and to please not yell and get mad at me because I was already upset enough as it was. I told them I loved them and that I was sorry. I decided to write this note because I knew they would not be expected what I had to say, and I didn't really know how to bring it up otherwise. When I came home that night, my dad was sitting there and I immediately burst into tears and gave him a hug. He asked "Is it what I think it is?" and I nodded. He sat down again and it killed me to hear him say "girl you've broke my heart". He never yelled, or got angry which is what I was expecting. But to see my father, my hero, crushed because of something I did.. I think that was worse than being yelled at. We discussed things a little more, and my mom finally got home. She walked in and saw us sitting there crying. She asked what was wrong and I didn't say anything, she just gave me a big hug. I'm not really sure what happened then, because I didn't tell her I was pregnant so my dad must've. Or maybe she just knew. I didn't say the word "pregnant" for a long time. My mom never got mad either. I guess there was no point in it, there was nothing we could do. We discussed things, and I told them my decision to place the baby for adoption. Some people think I was forced to do it, and I want to clear that up once and for all. My parents never told me what to do. From day one, they knew I had decided on adoption and so they supported me in that. It was MY choice, and whatever I chose they would back me in that. Although difficult, they knew I wasn't ready to be a mom and I couldn't give my baby the life it deserved. I didn't want my parents to have to raise their grandchild while I went out and tried to start a life. My parents have always supported me 100% in all that I do, and just because I was pregnant at 17 didn't change anything. If anything it made them support me more. Had I wanted to be a single mother, they would've done everything they could to help me out, as any parent would. I expected a completely different reaction than what I got. No parent wants to hear their teenage daughter (or son) is having a baby. But my parents showed me that love really is unconditional and made me feel at peace with my situation. My parents and I became so close over those 9 months, and they were my biggest supports and fans by far. When I began to lose some friends, my mom grew to be one of my best friends. Before this trial we had our differences like all do, but it brought us closer together as a family.
Telling my parents so soon was the best decision I could've made at that time. I was carrying around so much stress and worry and hurt and just so many emotions.. it was a relief to share those with the people who were willing to carry them with me. It is because of my family that i was able to get through my days with my head held high. Because i knew they were rooting for me! We cried together, we laughed together, we prayed together.. And then we cried a little bit more. But the most important thing is that I knew my parents loved me, and my baby, no matter what the circumstances. They really made all the difference in the world and words cant describe how grateful I am for them. I love you mom and dad!! <3

Me and my beautiful Mom before my graduation !

Cash & Grandpa, who his middle name is after

3 Generations 

A loving Grandpa & Grandma 

Monday, October 11, 2010

life changing moment

I sat in a doctors office on the 23rd day of October, 2009 waiting for the simple answer that had the potential to change my life forever. I had always dreamt of having kids.. But never in a million years would have imagined that day coming so soon. I was due to have a baby on June 17th, eighteen days after my high school graduation. I couldn't believe it.. I wouldn't believe it. There was no way this could be happening to me... I was the baby of 4 with parents who raised me perfectly. I  was a member of the LDS church and my standards expected way more of me. I was a dancer, a model, a teenager... I was a daughter. And here I was, going to be a mother at age 17.
It was a shock, that's for sure.. It was the first time I had unprotected sex and I felt that was so unfair lol.. Plus I had taken Plan B within the recommended time so I never imagined I would be sitting at that table again. I immediately broke into tears and my first feeling was dissapointment. How could I have allowed myself to be in this position? I thought next of my parents. They were going to be so dissapointed in me too. When the nurse told me my due date, June 17th, I thought of my highschool graduation and my dance shows and all the fun things I would be missing out on. I thought of the father, Curtis. And then I thought of the baby inside of me. I knew I had to do everything in my power to step up to the challenges that lay ahead of me and give this child the best life I could. Almost instantly my instincts kicked in and I stopped thinking about myself, and thought only of my unborn child. The nurse told me what my options were as a single teenage mother but I only heard one word.. And as I sat in the exam room I had already made up my mind about what I was to do.. And that was Adoption. 
I cant tell you why, But from that very instant I knew that I was going to place my baby for adoption, 9 months later. I just KNEW that's what I was going to do.. My answer was clear as day, right there in front of me. I already loved this baby, but in my heart I didn't feel it was meant to be with me. I wanted it to have the best life, and I couldn't provide that. The biggest thing was that I didn't want my child growing up without a father. (which at that time, Curtis wasn't involved at all anymore- that's a whole different story for another post) Thats the reason I was able to get through my tough times with a positive attitude and a smile on my face. God had a plan for my baby and I was the one He chose to carry out that plan. So, after the shock of being pregnant hit me, I accepted it and started my difficult journey. The first step would be telling my

Thursday, October 7, 2010

coming soon

Almost one year ago, I started reading a blog. It was by chance that I came upon it, but Stefani Jinelle's story about the adoption of her daughter Olivia changed my life. She inspired me to write my own blog, so here I am.  I hope to inform those who know me of the girl behind the face, so that they may better understand who I am, and what I've been through. My main purpose for this blog however is to help other birth mothers find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their trials. I hope the things I went through will inspire others and show the positive sides to a beautiful thing called adoption. The story of my own journey will soon be posted.