So you're new to my blog ? Here's my story summed up into a few minutes to get you up to date if you don't want to read the whole thing. (which I strongly suggest you do, anyways)
I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. It was a shock, to say the least. I was numb. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and mainly scared. I was scared of what the father would do, what my parents would think, and mainly I was scared of all the things I would have to do in the next 9 months. It was October of my senior year of high school, which meant I would be pregnant my entire grade 12 year- including graduation. I was selfish at first- I was so upset that I wouldn’t have the perfect grad I had always dreamed of (including the dress I had visualized for many years), and I was upset that I wouldn’t be able to dance in my year-end show. Something I had worked hard for. It took a little while, but soon all of these worries disappeared and I thought of the child inside me. It wasn't minutes after I heard the news that I had already felt with my whole heart that adoption was the plan God was laying out for this child.
The next step was telling my parents, which I did as soon as possible, and they reacted 100 times better than I was expecting them to. Of course they were disappointed, but they told me that they loved me no matter what and were going to support me. Going to high school was difficult, but I realized that obviously I couldn’t change my situation, so there was no use hiding it. Once people started finding out, which happened very quickly, I talked openly about it because that was easier for me to deal with than being ashamed. For the most part, I dealt with my less-than-desirable news in a very positive manner. I felt that this child was my opportunity to change my life and become a better person.
Obviously I loved my baby from really early on, but I always knew I was going to have to say goodbye, and I believe that was what gave me the strength in the end to go through with it. After talking with my social worker, I started looking at adoption portfolios from LDS Family Services around January. Saying you are going to place a baby for adoption and actually taking the steps to are entirely different emotional stages to go through. It was very hard on me to look at the families at first.. I couldn’t even open one for a few weeks because I didn't feel I was ready. I was trying to prepare myself emotionally and spiritually so that I wouldn't "make a mistake" and choose the wrong family, which was always my biggest worry. Once I felt ready, I started through the portfolios. I quickly became discouraged and wondered if there would ever be a family good enough. I pushed this thought away and finally admitted to myself that I was being extremely picky in my selections. I wanted the best for my baby, and to me under age 30, no other children, a stay at home mom, well-off and nice home were the things that made perfect parents.
Obviously I loved my baby from really early on, but I always knew I was going to have to say goodbye, and I believe that was what gave me the strength in the end to go through with it. After talking with my social worker, I started looking at adoption portfolios from LDS Family Services around January. Saying you are going to place a baby for adoption and actually taking the steps to are entirely different emotional stages to go through. It was very hard on me to look at the families at first.. I couldn’t even open one for a few weeks because I didn't feel I was ready. I was trying to prepare myself emotionally and spiritually so that I wouldn't "make a mistake" and choose the wrong family, which was always my biggest worry. Once I felt ready, I started through the portfolios. I quickly became discouraged and wondered if there would ever be a family good enough. I pushed this thought away and finally admitted to myself that I was being extremely picky in my selections. I wanted the best for my baby, and to me under age 30, no other children, a stay at home mom, well-off and nice home were the things that made perfect parents.
After looking through countless portfolios with no success, my social worker finally talked me into looking at the other ones, partially because I had looked at all of the ones that fit my strict criteria. I received a stack of about 10 folders, but there was one that caught my eye. It was the biggest one I had seen by far, and was bright blue. I hadn't opened it up yet, but somehow I just knew they were the family for my son. I remember the moment I opened it, for I immediately felt at peace and tears sprang to my eyes, something that had not happened for any of the others. They were a beautiful couple in their 40s, with one adopted daughter. I imagined my son in the photograph with them, and somehow I pictured him looking just like them. I didn't have to look through the others, because I knew with my whole heart that this family was who my baby was sent to me for. I called LDSFS as soon as I could to let them know I had chosen. Turns out, this couple had been talking only 2 days before about withdrawing their profile and giving up on their hopes of adopting another child. That very day I had chose them, their 4 year old daughter had drawn a picture of them with a baby, and told them it was her baby brother who was coming from heaven. They decided to keep their profile in a little bit longer, and I know this all happened because of our Heavenly Father's plan. They received the call from my social worker the next day and were ecstatic. I met them soon after and we immediately fell in love with them. We couldn’t picture a better family for our son, and they were so thrilled to learn that it was a boy.
Weeks turned into months and soon I was nearing my due date. I went to my high school graduation 9 ½ months pregnant, and 17 days later, June 18th 2010, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I had what I thought was an easy labor and everything went very well. I spent two beautiful days with my son, who we together named Cash, and then placed him with his parents on Father’s Day. I thought I had prepared myself for those 9 months to say goodbye, but nothing was able to prepared me for the insane amount of love I felt for that little boy, and the insane amount of emotional pain I felt walking out without him in my arms. Becoming pregnant at 17 and placing Cash for adoption was the hardest experience of my life, but also the most rewarding and amazing. I don’t regret a single minute of it because I grew so much and was blessed with a healthy baby to be raised by two loving parents.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Cash, or of his family. There will always be an empty place in my heart that could only be filled by that little boy, but the pain slowly leaving me over time. I have seen him a few times since placement, and receive regular updates and pictures from his parents. Each time I see him the pain gets easier, and I feel at such peace with my decision. I stand firmly behind the beauty of adoption, and what it represents. Open adoptions are a wonderful thing, and I am so eternally grateful for Cash's parents and their willingness to share his life with me.
