Monday, November 10, 2014

day 10: favourite quote

"And maybe, you can tell your baby
when you love him so that he's been loved before- 
from someone who delivered your son,
From God's Arms to My Arms, to Yours"

I have said before how I felt immediately that when I found out I was expecting adoption was my only option, and I felt very confident and at peace with that decision, because I knew in my heart that it was right. This quote summarizes what those feelings meant to me. 

I believe in a pre-existence, and in life after death. I believe that we all lived together in the presence of God before coming to earth, and that after we die we will be reunited with our families for all of eternity. Now, this may sound crazy to some of you... but I think that perhaps in the pre-existence we knew of the struggles we would face on earth, and that we agreed to tackle them in order to complete our journey here and make it back to our Father in Heaven. Maybe Cash's parents knew of their physical challenges that would prevent them from having children... and maybe I said I would help bring Cash to them through an unconventional way, in order to allow him to gain a spirit and be with his temporal family. (which are the ones he was adopted into).

Whether or not my theory is true, I find peace in believing it is. 
I can't ask for anything more than D&Y making sure Cash knows every day who I am, and how much I love him. After all.... I delivered him from God's arms- to theirs. 

(This quote means everything to me. It is from the song "From God's Arms to My Arms, to Yours" by Michael McLean. I first read this quote on a picture in the office of my Adoption Counsellor, the first time I met with her. The words completely stuck with me from that day on, and that is where I got the name for my blog from!) 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Day 9: Support.

I truly could not have made it through this difficult trial without the support of those around me.
I owe so much to my family, my friends, Curtis, and my Savior Jesus Christ. 

My family showed unconditional love every step of the way- and made sure that I never felt alone. They supported me throughout every decision, and were there for me when I needed it. I never felt pressured by them, or unloved in any way. I am very fortunate to have the family I have!!

I am grateful for my friends, who stood by my side and made those 9 months bearable. I always felt included and accepted and for that I am very grateful. I am especially grateful for Nikki- who was living on the other side of the country at the time I found out I was pregnant, and moved back to be with me. This girl singlehandedly taught me the true meaning of true friendship. She literally was at my side throughout everything- including Cash's birth. I couldn't have asked for a stronger girl to help me through the hardest times of my life. She loved Cash as if he was her own- and she cried with me every step of the way. Cash's placement was a difficult thing for her to experience as well because she had grown so attached to him, and I want her to know that I understand this now. She was always there for me when I needed her, and she will never know how much that means to me!

Curtis. Although at the time he was just a "sperm donor", Curtis grew to love Cash just as much as I did. He is truly the only person who completely understands how I feel, and I am grateful for his constant support over the past 5 years. It doesn't matter where we are in life, I know that I can always turn to him when I need someone to talk to, because chances are he needs me as well. There have been countless times in the past where I have called Curt and not said anything- but he will just listen to me cry, and know the reasons why. And he will cry with me because he feels the same, and then we will talk it out, and at the end of the phone call we will be okay. Because we both know we did the right thing for our son, no matter how difficult it may be.

Most importantly, I recognize the hand of my Saviour throughout this difficult time in my life. From day 1, I felt of his love and knew that no matter what trials lay ahead of me, I would not be left alone. It was the strength I received from Him that got me through the hardest days. The days when I felt like giving up, because the pain was too much. It was those days that I felt His love surround me, and pull me back onto my feet. I felt Him when I felt too weak to even get out of bed, but knew I could make it through the day because He was be with me every step of the way, holding me up. It is the belief I have of knowing when this world is over, I can be with my son again. That all the mistakes I made are washed away through His grace, and that with His help, my empty heart can be made whole again. I owe my life to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, in more ways that one. Truly their light and support is what single-handedly guided my life throughout the darkness and still guides my life today.

I could not have persevered throughout my struggles without the support of those mentioned above. I can't imagine how different things would have been had I not had the love of my family and friends around me as I endured some pretty tough things. I am so grateful for them, and for the continued support today. I love you all !!!!!

Day 7 and 8: That Plus Sign, and The Adoptive Parents.

Day 7: You can see my original post about that "plus" sign here- life changing moment 


I wrote 2 posts in November 2010 about choosing the family and meeting the family. Take a look :)

I am so blessed to have these two (and their daughter) in my life. They are an amazing couple, and have brought so much joy into my life. They truly have given Cash everything I could have ever hoped for him, and more. I have zero doubts in my mind that they are the family that Cash was predestined to be with. I am comfortable with the boundaries that we have set pertaining to our relationship and recognize that THEY are a family first and foremost, and I just offer some extra love ;) They have open communication with Cash pertaining to our situation, and he is fully aware that he has two moms, and two dads, and even at 4 years old he knows he is part of a very special story. I know that it was extremely difficult for them to accept that they could not have children of their own, but I love them for opening up their lives and hearts to me and allow everyone involved the benefits of an open adoption, regardless of how emotionally difficult it is for them.

I love this family so much. I have the utmost of respect for them, and feel 100% confident that they are raising Cash in the absolute best way. I know that they think of me in everything that they do, and want to make me proud. And they do. Cash is a very lucky boy- and I am grateful that was able to play a role in allowing him the opportunities that he has now, with his forever family. 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Day 6: My Happy Place.


Nothing makes me more happy than being with my Family. I have been incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support system, especially over the past few years. My first nephew, Hunter, was born when I was 12 years old. I remember the morning we got the phone call I immediately changed my MSN Messenger name to "Auntie Dallas" haha.. since then, and 6 more babies later, being an Aunt is still one of my defining titles and truly the greatest blessing in my life. I love those little kids more than anything!

We have a cabin in the mountains near Waterton Park, Alberta, and it is my favourite place in the world. It is a place where I can feel at complete peace, enjoy the company of my family, and escape the pressures in my life at school and work. It was here that I came with my parents the morning I placed Cash into his family. Being there is what got me through the most difficult day of my life. It was so comforting to be looking at the trees and mountains, and process what I had just endured before I started my grieving process. I felt of my Heavenly Father's love for me so strongly that day, as I was surrounded by his beautiful creation.

Planted this tree on the day of Cash's placement

Not the best photo, but these are the loves of my life !! 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Day 5: Fears.


My greatest fear: I am afraid that Cash won't come searching for answers, because he already has them. Cash knows that he has two moms and two dads, and that we love him equally. He has the answers he needs to know because our adoption is open, and when he is old enough, all the information will be available at his fingertips. Because of this, I worry that he won't have a desire to find out about where he came from, since he has been hearing the story since he was born. I worry that when he grows up he won't feel the need to have a relationship with me, because he already knows enough.

I am afraid that I will never feel great love. I worry all the time that I am no longer capable of having someone love me because I am "used".. I get anxiety at the first possibility of a relationship because I realize that at some point, I will have to share my story with this person... and I worry that they won't accept me because of my past. I also fear that I won't have the opportunity to have more children. This would absolutely break my heart, because one of my goals is to have children that I am in a position to raise in a stable environment. I worry that my experience as a birthmother will prevent me from accomplishing my greatest dream- which is to someday be a wife and mother.

I chose the quote "Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEAR" because it is something I strive to do each day. I have all these concerns, and at times it does really affect my perception. But, I do have FAITH that with the help of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, all things will work out accordingly. I have FAITH that even when times get hard, I can look to Him and be comforted in my sorrows. I have FAITH in a greater plan than any of us has the capacity to see, and that whatever happens, happens the way it is meant to be. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Day 4: The First Photo.


My birth-son Cash was born at 3:59 am on Friday June 18th, 2010. I had a natural delivery, mostly due to the fact that I am completely terrified of needles and the thought of an epidural going into my back did NOT sit well with me. I decided early on into my pregnancy that I would do it natural, and with the advice of a family friend, I looked into "Hypno-birthing" and taught myself how to relax through the contractions as best I could.

It is true what they say- as soon as you see that baby you forget all about the pain. 

That night is all a blur. I don't remember much from before I saw him- but thats one moment I will never forget. I can't get over how alert Cash was from the moment he was born. I never heard him make a sound in those first few hours. He was quiet, wide-awake, and content. It was a very surreal experience for me.. As soon as the nurses handed him to me after checking his vitals, everything else going on in the room seemed to disappear. It was me and him, and no one else. I was focussing on nothing but that little bundle in my arms. Everything I had gone to up to that point suddenly became worth it. Seeing this little face, and feeling of my love for him, made it all worth it.

In these photos, I was a mother. 

I had finally met the little boy I had carried for nine months, and grown to have such a strong connection to. Everything leading up to that point had been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences that at times had left me feeling hopeless and alone. But I wasn't alone- I had HIM. It was me and him, for nine whole months. I had made life-changing decisions on behalf of little guy, and this was it. This was when I got to meet him, to kiss him, and to tell him that I loved him and was doing this all for him. What an amazing experience, to hold this tiny child who unknowingly had been a part of a plan, and was going to change lives now and forever. 

I loved him the way any mother would love their child, only mine had some strings attached. I knew that he was meant for another family, and these moments together would be fleeting. I loved him the way I knew his adoptive mother would have loved him, if she was there. I thought of her, and how I knew I could trust her to love our son just as much as I did in those moments. I thought of how blessed we all were to be a part of this amazing experience. I thought of how much I loved him, and how hard it was going to be to say goodbye. 

I adore these photos because in them he was mine, if only for a moment.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Day 3- Debunking the Stereotypes.

 "In adoption, a child is not GIVEN UP. A birth mother GIVES LIFE, a child a family, unconditional love. She GIVES a part of her heart that will never feel whole. She GIVES another mother a part of her heart that was always missing. An adoptive mother GIVES a  family to this child. She GIVES unconditional love. She GIVES a part of her heart to another mother. You GIVE a lot- just never GIVE UP. - Terra Cooper" 

The biggest stereotype that I have faced over the past 5 years has been that I didn't love my baby, and that was the reason I was "giving him up". Let me set this straight- birthmothers do not "give up" their children. We give them LIFE, and we give them LOVE- but we never give up! I went through hell and back to give Cash the life he deserved.. I cried countless tears over the loss I felt, for his eternal gain. If I was concerned about my own feelings, I would have kept him so I wouldn't have to feel those pains. It would have been so much easier at the time. 
Birthmothers do not volunteer to endure a lifetime of emotional pain- we do it for the pure love for our children's well-being. We do it so that they have a shot at seizing every opportunity that life has to offer.
Placing Cash for adoption was the single hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life. But I loved him enough to let him go. 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Birthmom Photo a Day- Day 2- Why I Chose Adoption.


I made this decision for HIM, and him only. I wanted the absolute best for my child, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to give him that. His birth father and I were not in a situation where we could raise a child together, so marriage was out of the question very quickly. Abortion was not an option for me and was not considered.
I chose adoption because I had an undeniable feeling that it was the plan set out for my child. I know that sounds crazy, but I can't really explain it anymore than that. I just had this feeling I couldn't shake. I believed from very early on that my child was going to bless the life of another family, besides my own. I had already made my decision from very early on in my pregnancy, and didn't falter much from it.

I believe that I chose a very difficult path and that my life could have been much, much easier had I decided to go a different route besides Adoption. What I had to endure was extremely painful, emotionally, mentally and physically. But I firmly support the decision that I made to do what I know was the best decision for my son, both in this life and in the eternities to come.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Birthmom Photo A Day- Day 1- About Me

Day 1: ABOUT ME.

Hi! I am assuming by now that you have all followed my blog at some point in the last 4 years, but if this is your first time reading - Welcome !! 

Who am I ? I am a cosmetologist by trade, a third-year Commerce student majoring in Management, and most importantly - I am a birthmother to a darling boy who was born in June of 2010. I started this blog four years ago as I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of placing my child for adoption. I started it for personal reasons because it was an easy way for me to document my experience and rehabilitate myself by writing my feelings out. What started out as a personal journal quickly became a public display for everyone to read.. At first I was a little hesitant, because I was being so vulnerable. I was allowing everyone to be a part of what I was going through, the good and the bad. But I then decided that this blog was a great way for me to shed a little light on what adoption is really like, and why I did what I did. My life has since progressed slowly past this emotional and difficult time, and I am doing wonderful now. Yes, I still have my hard days as every birthparent does, but they are few and far between as they are replaced by happy memories and experiences as I see my birth-son grow up. 

Being a birthmother does not define me- it strengthens me. 

I would not be where I am today if I had not gone through the incredible experience of having a child and placing that child for adoption. I grew so much as an individual during that difficult time, and subsequently for the years after as well. I will go through all of that on a later date, but I would be lying if I said that I was not grateful for this trial in my life and how much I was able to grow because of it. Not a day goes by that I don't think of that little boy, and how much love I have for him. I owe so much to him. I live my life each day with the sole intention of making him proud. 

My name is Dallas, and I am a birthmother.


Hey everyone ! So I have been a little MIA on the whole blogging front lately, and the other day I saw this challenge being shared on Instagram... I thought to myself, it would be a great way to share my story and get back into the blogging world ! When I started my blog FOUR years ago (Crazy right !) It was an extremely therapeutic form of healing for me, and although I am doing emotionally well now, I believe it will still be therapeutic for me to revisit the whole experience again. SO here it goes !! Over the next 3o days, I will be sharing a blog post that follows the above challenge. I will be posting a few photos on Instagram, but the majority of this challenge will be done via my blog. I am not 100% open with my adoption story on Facebook and Instagram (for many reasons, but mostly to protect the privacy of Cash and his family, and also because I am not proud of the fact I became pregnant as a teenager and don't believe the whole world needs to know my personal story) BUT November is National Adoption Month and I would like to bring more awareness to Adoption, and the wonderful thing that it is. Stay tuned as I complete this journey !!