Monday, May 30, 2011

formspring #2

Did Curtis agree with adoption in the beginning? or did he want to keep Cash?

I honestly did not give Curtis a choice in our decision, I just told him adoption is what we were doing.. he wasn't involved much in the beginning of my pregnancy. He knew that I would do whatever I wanted, so He supported my choice the whole time, and helped choose the family. Nearer to the end of my pregnancy it became harder for us, and we thought about keeping him. But when it came down to it, we knew it was the best decision for Cash.

formspring #1

If you ever do have any other kids and stay in touch with Cash how are you going to explain keeping that baby and not him?

I haven't given that much thought yet, but I think I would just explain to him that I was young, unmarried, and not ready to give him what he needed. I am sure that he will ask, but his parents are so great that I truly don't believe he will be angry with me for my decision. Curtis and I do wonder, since we are together, that if we do get married and have more children, how that will affect them and Cash. Having full siblings might complicate things a little bit, but i have talked to other adoptees with full siblings and they assure me that it will all work out. Luckily I have lots of time to think about how I will respond to his questions.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

blog change!!!!

Just so all my followers know, I will be changing the URL of my blog in a week...
I have decided to go anonymous (as much as I can) to ensure the privacy of Cash and his family.  My new blog domain will be

Thanks for reading :)

graduation- friends forever?

It has been exactly one year since I graduated high school. As I watched the Class of 2011 last night, I found myself reminiscing about my own grad night, and it actually made me a little sad.
The night before my grad, I had an emotional breakdown. I was determined not to go to convocation the next morning. I did not want to get up in front my classmates and their families, filling our local WHL hockey arena. It was probably one of the biggest struggles I had while I was pregnant. I was fine walking the halls of school because I was surrounded by people.. not walking alone across a stage, looking especially gigantic in that hideous cap and gown. Grad is supposed to be the best day of a teenagers life, but I was expecting it to be the complete opposite. After thinking about it more and talking with my parents, I finally decided that I needed to go. No one was forcing me, but I needed to show everyone that I wasn't going to back away then. I went to school every day for 9 months, and I couldn't give up now. There was no other option, I had to show everyone (and myself) that I wasn't ashamed. I remember crying myself to sleep that night, dreading the next day. Even tonight it makes me cry to think about how I felt. I woke up the morning of May 29th, telling myself I could do it. And I did. I was one of the last names to be called up to receive my diploma. I waddled up there in my high heels, and shook the hands of my teachers that had been so supportive of me. Each one of them told me how proud they were of me, and that meant a lot. After convocation, everyone started taking pictures with friends, and I just left. I wasn't included in much, and at the time I didn't want to be in any. I just wanted to get out of there and get the day over with. Looking back, I wish I had dressed up and taken pictures. I think I only got this one with Kar and Pa.
This is what I wore to convocation after I handed in my gown.. classy I know.
My best friend Karlee and "Pa", my other father. 
Not at all the dress I would have chosen had I not been
50 pounds heavier, but it worked.

At least I looked the same from my shoulders up!
 Just a little cubby ;) 
I didn't have a grad date, so my best friend Nikki and I went together haha.. She was such a great friend. We walked with two other boys from our graduating class, and that meant a lot to me that they weren't too embarrassed to walk with a hugely pregnant girl. James and Dylan, you'll never know how much I appreciated that. 
I often wonder who I would have gone with had I not been pregnant. All of my friends got asked in really cute ways, and it hurt me a lot not to be included in that. Its something every girl thinks about for years, and its a really exciting topic of conversation in grade 12. I wasn't surprised that no one asked me, but I do envy those who were asked. It would've been fun to match a boy and have him buy me my corsage and take pictures with me. 
I regret not taking pictures at all that day. It wasn't a big deal to me at the time, but looking back I wish I had some good ones. While I don't really want to remember the feelings I had, it would be nice to have more pictures to remember what I looked like, haha.
After the grand march, we had a dance. I danced with my dad very first, and then it was the dance for your "significant other". Well, mine wasn't there so I stood on the sidelines, and watched. The dance carried on for a few hours, and I just sat in the back and ate, haha. I talked with a few friends and it was actually pretty fun, when I didn't think about how much fun it could've been. 
After the dance, I went to Dry Grad. It's a grad put on by parents for those who aren't drinking at Safe Grad. We had it at the UofL, so we went swimming and rock climbing and had the gyms rented out for games and laser tag. It was reaaally late, and I was tired so I didn't do much. My parents were chaperones so I hung out with them a lot and did a few things, but because I was so big I wasn't able to do much other than swim. I always thought I'd have so much more fun than I did. 
Nikki and I giving each other foot massages at Dry Grad.. it was a longggg day!
What a great best friend.

My grad wasn't at all what I had dreamed of it being. It's not one of the happy, important days in my life, and I try not to think about it much. I looked last night at all the seniors, and felt super jealous of them. Oh how I wish things had been different! I remember dancing with Nikki to the song Graduation by Vitamin C and crying. Most of my friends and I have drifted apart, and its really sad. It happens to everyone though I suppose. We've all grown up, and things have changed.

I am extremely proud of myself for graduating high school and not missing a single day, despite my situation. I would have regretted dropping out, or finishing at an outreach program.
I wish things had been different, but they weren't.
I decided my graduation night that my wedding was just going to have to be perfect and everything I had wanted & more. Haha. I guess I'll have to combine my grad and wedding dreams into one day.
I can promise you right now that I wont be 9 months pregnant for my wedding!
I'm making a concious effort now to just forget about grad and look forward to the day I can wear the perfect dress, be with the perfect man, and be HAPPY! THAT will be the happiest day of my life. This whole deal with grad will just be a silly memory.

roses & thorns.

I have a thorn in my side, 
and it hurts sometimes- reminds me i am only human
But every tear that I cry waters a ground that is dry,
And soon the flowers blossom;
cause roses and thorns grow together,
Like a rainbow follows bad weather..
 Roses and Thorns grow together.
So I don't lose faith, when the storm clouds roll;
cause I know the trials will strengthen my soul,
Making me whole.

Friday, May 20, 2011

breathe with no air

So, you all know how I love lyrics right?? well, I've decided that I am going to name the title of all my posts after a song that portrays what I am feeling. The things I want to say but don't, and the things I wish I could tell someone, but can't. Sometimes they will be related to my post, and sometimes they might not be. If you wanna know the song I'm feeling, google it :) I'm not very good at getting out exactly what I'm feeling, but I can almost always find a song that can. Just a little head's up for the future posts :) which will be coming soon... as soon as I find time to breathe, let alone blog! haha.cOh and PS, In case you haven't noticed I have changed the back ground yet again... Whenever I go through a big change in my life (ie. a break up) I seem to change my surrounding environment too. Just an odd little habit I have. I really like this layout though.. For now.. ! 
 Goodnight, blogger world <3 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

what makes a mother?

Since Mother's Day last week, I have been thinking a lot about the title "Mother." What really defines someone as a mother? A mother is something more than the result of a biological function.  A mother is a woman who does more and goes farther than a simple physiological process can explain.  There are so many different situations that give a woman this classification. Some women deliver their children to become mothers, and some women become mothers through adoption. Some women are not able to carry their children to term, but are still mothers to those babies who have passed on. Some women are raising other womens children because they cannot take care of them themselves. A mother does not always raise her own child. She may know she can’t provide for it and knows she’s not ready to be a good mother.  She may realize that the best thing for this child is to be raised by a mother who can provide for it and who is ready to raise this new baby. 
I became a mother to Cash the minute he was placed into my arms. Y became a mother to him the minute I placed him into her arms. Each of us care for him the way any mother would. We found out we were going to be mothers at different times, yet the love we felt for him was the same. I know Y would do anything for Cash, as I would. To me, a mother is someone who puts the good of their child above their own good.  They put their own needs aside so that their child can have what he needs.  

"He is mine in a way that will never be hers. Yet, He is hers in a way that will never be mine. Together, we are Motherhood."

"So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the LOVE you had so much of
Right from the very start."

Sunday, May 15, 2011


I finally got the courage to read the update Y gave me for Cash's 10 month package. It is so amazing to read her letters, she is an amazing writer, and it really makes me feel like I'm right there with them in the story. When reading, I always skip ahead to the end of her letters where she always turns the cheery, upbeat words into a more serious tune. This last letter, which she wrote in April, really touched me and made me realize, for the billionth time, how wonderful Cash's parents are and how grateful I am for them.

"As Cash sleeps, his deep blue eyes closed for the night until the daylight of a new day awakens them to their brilliance, I give my deepest thanks to the unselfish choices of two sacred birth parents. Two blessed souls, who put their own pain aside an felt that making a choice in the best interest of their son was the right one. Every day, I often think as I raise him; "Is this what they would want me to do?" You are always on my mind. As I wipe his hands and face without delay and keep him squeaky clean I know his loving extended family would be pleased to see him kept that way. I think of you as I see characteristics that emerge and I am able to see each of you begin to develop in him. He is our son and a miracle of creation that reminds me daily to be grateful to the loving choices of his birth parents and to our Heavenly Father's great plan for us on this earth. 
To two of the most beautiful people that we have ever known, we want you to know how much we love you, think of you and pray for you always. Cash will always know who you are and love you for your choices. I will teach him to always be grateful for loving birthparents who followed inspired messages and to a loving Heavenly Father who directed this amazing, perfect boy to your eternal family. 
With love, now and always. "  

wouldn't you love waking up to this little face ?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day.

I received this email from a woman in Florida (craaazy), and I thought I would share it because it sums up what I think every birthmom needs to hear on Mother's Day. To be honest, I have no words to share right now. I'm so exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally.. I have been going through a lot these past few days. I can't even think about what to write. I had an alright day with my family today and actually haven't cried.. (it might be because I cried everything out yesterday...? hmm.) Anyways, this email touched me a lot, and showed me how much people (even thousands of miles away) still care about complete strangers. Not all of you reading this are strangers to me, but I still care about each and every one of you the same. I hope all you birthmommas had as enjoyable of a day as you could, despite the emotional challenges we all were facing. May these words comfort you as much as they did me. Much love to you all <3 

 "I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, but I will pray for you as you walk this hard journey and will pray that God gives you great peace and that your day ends up being so special.  God cares so much about you and He is the God of all comfort.  Cling to His promises to help you through each day.  He is such a great God and He says to cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us... that is something to take great comfort in as you pour your heart out to Him... HE CARES for YOU!!!  :)  I do hope your Mothers Day is special as you honor the great moms and grandmas in your life.  Praying for you in Florida! "

A special shout out to Megan and Sara: your friendship and thoughtfulness today meant the world to me, especially because I know this day was not easy for either of you. The flowers are beautiful, just like the both of you. I am also so grateful for everyone else who extended their love and support for me today. You are all amazing people and I am so blessed to have you in my life <3

Friday, May 6, 2011

no words.

I have so many things that I want to write about, yet somehow I can't find the words to. 
I have felt so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life lately, and each night I stare at this blinking curser, trying to find a way to type what I need to. I know I need to get it all out, I've found it's the best way for me to deal with everything. But how?

Point Form:

1. I didn't think Mother's Day would be hard on me, but I'm starting to get more upset each day that it draws closer. I'm spending Sunday with my family, and I've realized its going to be really hard on me. We're celebrating all the mother's in my life... my grandma, mom, and my sisters.. and I'll just be sitting there. No one will even think about me on mother's day, because I'm not really a "mom". It's hard for me to be excited for my family, when I want so badly to be included too. It's a really hard feeling to explain, and I wish they would understand. Y wrote me a letter to open on Mother's Day, so I'm excited to open that, but dreading the day itself. This must be how all birthmom's feel, and for lack of a better word- it SUCKS.

2. I went to an amazing dinner last night that G put on for all the birthmothers she has worked with at LDSFS. I will elaborate on that later, when I'm not feeling grumpy because it was a really special evening. 

3. Last week I got together with Ashley and Megan, and we just talked and talked and talked. It was so nice to be together again. We are each so different, yet share the same experiences. We are SO excited to be working more on Birthmother Appreciation! More to come on that, too. 

4. You all know how much I love music and quotes. So instead of telling you how I feel and sharing my entire personal life with the BF, here's a video that explains exactly what has been going on. 

In all, kinda been feeling pretty crappy lately. I try to stay positive and upbeat on here, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't usually like that. But I guess life can't always be the way we want it, right? I know it'll all be okay in the end. And like I always say, a few tears and heartache isn't always bad. Still forcing a smile on my face, even when it's hard.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


For one so small, you seem so strong.
This bond between us can't be broken,
I will be here...
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on, Now and Forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, Always.

always & always.