Friday, August 12, 2011

a rambling thought

I've been reading some blogs from birthparents and adoptive parents and I find myself being somewhat angry with AP's right now. Not angry at D&Y by any means, just in general. (Cash's parents are great with our openness- definitely not saying otherwise here

There is a certain BM blog that I follow and we regularly comment on each other's posts.. I don't know this woman at all, but I feel a tender spot in my heart for her. She is part of an open adoption, but it seems to me that she does not have a very good relationship with her daughter's AP's, and that saddens me. She, like most BMs, does not want to step on any toes and make the AP's uncomfortable... but in turn that makes it feel like she is not "allowed" to see her birth daughter. This is causing her to feel a bit of regret that she placed in the first place, because she hasn't yet found that closure that is so easy to achieve when you have open contact.

This is what I think- and correct me if I am possibly just being dramatic- We, as Birth parents, have made it possible for APs to have a family. And in return, some AP's just cut off all ties to BPs because of fear. Fear of what, I don't really know. Now tell me, how can that possibly be fair? True, when a BM places she relinquishes all rights and privileges without any sort of legalities binding the openness agreement, but it was a gift of pure love- and they are left with nothing but a broken heart in return. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I am very passionate over BM rights. To me, refusing contact is what's selfish in this situation. For a BM to think she is not "allowed" to see her child is so sad to me. 

Of course, there is always the other side where a BM does not want contact, but thats an entirely different topic I will touch on later. Also, some AP's cut off contact with their BMs because they feel it is in their child's best interest, and I will not argue with that. I'm talking about AP's who agreed to an open adoption but are not willing to uphold that agreement because of selfish concerns, despite the child's best interest.

All I'm saying is that no BM should ever feel like they are not allowed to know how their child is doing. Adoptions have come a long way in the past few years, and obviously it's for a reason. There is no way I would have placed Cash if I wouldn't be able to see how he is doing. I think it is also super important for an adoptee to know where they came from, and who better else to heart that from but their birth-family? A main point of having an OPEN adoption is so that birthparents can see how their child is doing and continue to have the reassurance they need to know they made the best decision possible. Adoptive parents at least owe that to their children's birth parents, don't you think? 

It's late, and maybe I'm just rambling on, but this is really bothering me. I hope nothing I said was offensive. Comments please! 


  1. I love what you have to say, and understand where you are coming from. I am an AP who is made to feel like crap by my daughters BM. She treats me like the scum of the earth. I did promise an open adoption and in 3 years have had 23 visits. Yet it does not seem to ever be enough. I am at the point now where I do not know what to do. I just want to be a mother who is not made to feel like a babysitter. I am judged at every turn and both her and her family have no problem telling us what we should and should not be doing. The thing that hurts the most is that we were promised information and photos but they have now decided they do not want to share them with us, and yet except us to share everything. As a bm yourself what would you advise me to do?

  2. I'm really sorry that your "blog friend", is having so many difficulties. I can't really give any advice because our adoption is very very very closed, we can't even know our son's birth last name (BMs choice). But I can give you a link to a post by an AP who is part of an open adoption, that may help explain why APs can be a little insecure about there relationships with BMs. It is very well written and has nothing to do with the BM, it is just the APs feelings. It is here:
    I totally agree with what you said in your post, and I am very grateful for BMs and their sacrifice, because if it wasn't for you then we wouldn't have these precious little people in our lives and hearts. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you...

  3. I don't think your blog post is offensive at all! It is SO true...Birth Mothers give you everything!! In my opinion you owe them the world, so giving them what they want is such a tiny little thing to give back....really it's the least they could do.

  4. My heart aches for the pain that girl is feeling. I know that was my biggest concern when I was thinking of placing. "What if they just walk away and I never see him ever again?"
    I understand that these people are afraid to show their little precious child the woman who gave them up, but I think it would help so many adopted children feel that they weren't abandoned. She cared enough to be there, to check in, write letters, and will tell you whatever you need to know when you ask her.

  5. Anon, I will make a post for you.
    Jacquie, i LOVE that article. It definitely puts things in a good perspective
    cc, you'll be an amazing AP :)
    and Ashley, I totally understand the worries you had what causes adopted children to feel abandoned... i think many AP's don't think of that when they decided to close off their adoption.

  6. i would like to comment slightly on this post and slightly to anonymous. i like what anonymous said about not wanting to feel like a babysitter. I am dating a boy who was adopted and he is in an open adoption. hes 20 years old now, and while he was in an open adoption his birthparents did not come down every couple months or every holiday jsut becasue they gave birth. pictures, letters a visit now and then is what an open adoption should be. when you start having multiple visits a year it is not only hard on the family who adopted the child, it is confusing for the child. my boyfriend always said he didnt want to have that contact wtih his birthparents because ultimately he didnt see them as parents. he saw his adoptive parents as parents and that was that. the child deserves a normal life, and while placing him was what was best for him, then giving him the chance to live normally is also whats best for him. how can you want whats best for him when you give him up, but then want to confuse him and potentially cause turmoil for the adoptive family. is seeing the child in your best interest or the childs. i dont know, but that is what i feel and i know multiple families wtih the adopted children who all feel the same way.