temple date.

I read through the last blog I posted and felt somewhat embarrassed. Until this point, I think I have done a good job at appearing strong throughout my trials. And that last post, well... not so strong. I guess I was just having a bad moment. This little thing called jealousy keeps rearing its ugly head inside me, and as much as I try not to, I let it get the best of me sometimes. Its a goal of mine to work on.

Well, today I got news from G (my social worker) that Cash and his parents are FINALLY going through the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. 

They initially chose Oct 15th, but I will be in EUROPE then ! So I was really upset that I wouldn't be able to be there on this special day. I told G about my situation, and she set out to see what she could do. D&Y are amazing people, and they changed the date to October 22nd so I will be able to attend. 

I am so excited for this day to come. I know it will not come without its share of hardness on me, but I am so happy for D&Y's little family. This sealing is one of the main reasons I decided to place Cash for adoption in the first place. Its a complicated thing to explain, and when I have more time I will try to do that for you all.

The First Time Cash was at the Temple... here in my belly at 17 weeks <3

"The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally."

- The Family: A Proclamation To The World

i'm selfish and i know it.

I've been having a little bit of a difficult time lately. Just the past few days have been really emotionally stressful on me. Life in Edmonton hasn't been going exactly as planned, and I've found myself becoming caught up in the things that are making me unhappy. 

It seems like everyone my age is getting pregnant/already having kids. This is really hitting me hard, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. One of these situations in particular is causing so many negative emotions to emerge from me that I thought I had tucked away long ago, and here they are coming out again. I feel so much resentment, anger, jealousy, regret- all selfish things, and I wish I didn't !  

Placement was 15 months ago. I thought that through this blog I was able to come to terms with it and heal to the best I could, affirming to myself and to others that adoption was the best decision for me. 

Well, now I'm starting to wonder.

Adoption was definitely the best thing for Cash. There is no way I could give him the life he has now. I know that. I know he's happy, and that makes me happier. He has a good life. But was adoption the best thing for me? 

I would've been a great mom. This is bad to say- but I would've been a better mom than most of these girls who are having babies out of wedlock. I feel like I just.... gave up on it all before it even started. I know I'm being selfish, because I made this plan so Cash could have a good life. 

But for once, I just want to be selfish. I don't have many posts that tell the ugly side of adoption, so here's the truth: I'm sad every day. Every single day, I think about that little boy and what could've been. I hate it. I'm so tired of feeling this hole in my heart where he should be.

I want this back.