Wednesday, September 14, 2011

i'm selfish and i know it.

I've been having a little bit of a difficult time lately. Just the past few days have been really emotionally stressful on me. Life in Edmonton hasn't been going exactly as planned, and I've found myself becoming caught up in the things that are making me unhappy. 
It seems like everyone my age is getting pregnant/already having kids. This is really hitting me hard, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. One of these situations in particular is causing so many negative emotions to emerge from me that I thought I had tucked away long ago, and here they are coming out again. I feel so much resentment, anger, jealousy, regret- all selfish things, and I wish I didn't !  
Placement was 15 months ago. I thought that through this blog I was able to come to terms with it and heal to the best I could, affirming to myself and to others that adoption was the best decision for me. 
Well, now I'm starting to wonder.
Adoption was definitely the best thing for Cash. There is no way I could give him the life he has now. I know that. I know he's happy, and that makes me happier. He has a good life. But was adoption the best thing for me? 
I would've been a great mom. This is bad to say- but I would've been a better mom than most of these girls who are having babies out of wedlock. I feel like I just.... gave up on it all before it even started. I know I'm being selfish, because I made this plan so Cash could have a good life. 
But for once, I just want to be selfish. I don't have many posts that tell the ugly side of adoption, so here's the truth: I'm sad every day. Every single day, I think about that little boy and what could've been. I hate it. I'm so tired of feeling this hole in my heart where he should be.

I want this back.


  1. Of course you would have been a better mom than most of the single moms out there, you've shown that from the start because you put Cash ahead of yourself. It used to bug me too (and still does) to see young single moms making stupid choices (like smoking around their kids), knowing that there was so much I could give those kids. I also know the hurt of seeing 'everyone' getting pregnant, and wanting that so badly. Most days I'm o.k., but still whenever a sister-in-law or friend "shares the news", that little monster known as jealousy rears it's ugly head. I have a good cry, then I pick myself up again, and I can be happy for them, knowing that it is their time right now, and not mine.
    You will be a great mom someday, and your joy will be so immense, especially since you will have a loving and supportive husband beside your side to share that joy with.
    Hang in their, cry your tears, and know that others feel your pain, especially your Savior. I will be thinking of you and praying for you,
    Love Jacquie

  2. One foot in front of the are going to be okay.