Saturday, November 26, 2011

just a blah day.

It's been a long time since I've made a post like this. I've been able to hold myself together pretty well, without many sad days. With each passing day, the pain gets more bearable. Every day still has heartache, but I learn how to cope when thoughts come into my mind... but that doesn't mean that it ever is fully erased from my mind, either. Little things trigger the hurt- tonight, I was reading a post my friend made on her boyfriends wall, who passed away 3 months ago in a car accident. Of course nothing was said about adoption, but whenever I read about other people's pain, it only brings back my own. 
I miss him purely for my own selfish reasons. I'm very lonely living away from home, and I wish with all my heart that I could just have him here with me. To smile up at me when I'm sad, to give me cuddles in the mornings, to know someone loves me unconditionally. All these things I picture him doing with his real mom, and sometimes I just wish I was her. I know I gave up the chance to do all these things, but that doesn't mean sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't. 
I guess I'm just rambling on and don't really have a point for this... I've been struggling with finding the words for posts these past few months. I feel like my mind has just shut off and is refusing to put my feelings into words. Blah. Hopefully have some real posts coming for you all soon.

1 comment:

  1. Dallas, this is a real post. The loss is real, the wondering is our reality. Questioning our decision. And the great big heaping dose of grief that we learn to swallow. Those are real for a birthmother, no matter her circumstances. We all feel loss and a longing for our child.