This years Christmas was certainly different from any other year, but I guess that's just a part of growing up. All of my siblings are 27+, and I have 3 nephews and 3 nieces under 6. As it turns out, Christmas is not centered around me and I finally realized that this year ! haha. We spent Christmas Eve together as a family last night, as we always do, and opened up all presents under the tree. Then this morning we went to my brothers house in Magrath for church and spent the rest of the day there. I think that was the weirdest part for me, not being at home for Christmas. My sister and her family decided to spend the day at home, much to my disgust... I love her kids SO much and was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to see them. But thats life.
I was super excited to give my nieces and nephews their presents last night, and I also finally realized how much more enjoyable it is to give than to receive. I could care less about opening my presents, I just wanted to see the kids faces when they opened theirs.
My FAVORITE gift to give, however, was to those who I unfortunately would not be able to see. I was being crafty this year and decided to continue on my tradition of Christmas Ornaments for Cash's family by making one! I am extremely OCD about things and am a perfectionist, so I was really stressed out about making something, but it actually turned out well and I was happy with the end result. As always with Cash's presents, there is one for myself one as well.
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I also happened to come across this picture frame a few months ago, and I thought it was PERFECT. D&Y don't have any photos of the placement, and even though this one isn't focussed I was so happy to have any at all. I hope Y will really cherish it, and hang it in Cash's room so he can see this special moment for himself every day.
On the back of the frame I put a copy of "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours". I thought it was really fitting for the frame, and just so happens that thats what my blog is named after !
Last years Christmas I posted a poem, it was aimed towards a birthmother's first Christmas since her child was born, but excerpts of that poem are still true for me now, on Cash's second Christmas. I think the poem is perfect, so I'm going to use it again....
Knowing her decision
Was one for the best
She lights a candle in memory
Then sits down to rest.
The wick of the candle
flickers with light
The wind outside is howling
She finds little comfort on this lonely night
She takes out an album
And gently dusts off the cover
It is all she has left
To feel like a mother.
She treasures each photo
of her little one
They are her only ties
To her precious son.
Silently a tear
Slips down her cheek
She wipes it away quickly
So she doesn't appear weak.
Christmas will never
be the same again
She will always be thinking
of her little man.
She knows through her pain
For him this was right
But her unselfless deed
Gives little comfort that night.
Her arms are still empty
Her heart is still breaking
He is with somebody else
And she is left aching.
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| I got to cuddle my darling little niece all day, and that definitely is therapeutic for me. My arms ache to hold Cash as a baby again, and taking care of her eases the pain I still feel naturally after the "loss" of Cash. Its difficult to explain, but holding Brylee takes some of the ache away. And it helps that she is such a sweetheart ! |
Her heart sits on each page
Of that dusty book
In his eyes, his little face
The way that he looks.
She can't hide her pain
She can't hide her tears
This is the first of many
Long, painful years
It is true that my Christmases will never be the same, and each year I know I will feel an emptiness in my heart and that longing to have Cash with me. I see all his cousins playing together, and I wish that he could be in there with them too. I definitely feel like there is something missing when we are all together. I know without a doubt that he was excessively spoiled this year with presents, and that he gets more than enough love from his adoptive family. I hope he also feel's of his biological family's love for him too, mine and Curtis's.
I am accepting the fact that each year for Christmas I might get sad that Cash is not with me. I made a choice 18 months ago, and this is a small consequence of that choice.
But the light that she sees
At the end of all this
Is the smile on his face
He is truly blessed
With that thought
She slowly readies for bed
To sleep all night
Dreams of him in her head
She slowly lays down
And heads off to sleep
Knowing his memory
She will always keep.
Merry Christmas, everyone. And especially to my little boy & his family. I love you all.
